To fucking loathe myself?

[blueascanbe]

I've name changed for this.

I can't be fucked with anything anymore. My lo is 9 months old and I haven't taken him outside in a week now. There's no-one to go and see, nothing to do which doesn't involve money and no nice places to walk to.

I try so hard to be the perfect wife and mum, and it just goes tits up. H always jokes and says that I'm so lazy, but he says it so often that I'm starting to believe it.

I hate sex, I can't fucking stand it. I only have sex with H to keep him interested, as I'v got it into my thick head that he'll just leave me for some beautiful woman if I don't.

I want to feel me again. I want to have a laugh and go out more with H. I want to stop feeling tearful and lonely.

Hey blueascanbe,

How long have you felt like this? Having DC is very hard sometimes. Do you think you are putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect? It sounds like you are.

Your little one is fine as long as he/she is looked after and where you are so don't worry about not having taken him/she out but it definitely does you good to get fresh air. The walk doesn't have to be anywhere special, just to the park is something.

And, do you think you could be suffering from postnatal depression? Have you been tested for it? And your H needs to be more supportive. Ask him not to "joke" about you being lazy. Because it clearly isn't funny.

Have you spoken to your GP? it sounds a bit like depression to me and the GP may be able to help x

Its totally normal to feel overwhelmed at the work being a mum and wife brings and noone expects you to be perfect, does your DH help around the house? do you get any time to yourself?

Please see either your HV or your GP. You almost certainly have one of two problems (possibly both). The main one is likely to be PND - you feel tearful, lonely, inadequate and that everything is too much effort. THis is not your fault, it is very, very common and it can be cured.
The other possible problem is that your H is an arsehole. If he is regularly calling you lazy (and not doing any domestic work himself) and demanding frequent sex when you have a small baby, then he is selfish.
Was he always selfish?
To be fair, it is possible that you are seeing things through the filter of PND and your H is trying to jolly you out of it and doing a crap job - so do speak to HCPs first.
Best of luck. None of this is your fault, all of it is very, very common.

you need to see your GP, tell them how you are feeling

quite possibly you have PND

don't suffer any longer

blueascanbe get yourself to your GP - possibly having printed off what you put in OP so you don't have to say it out loud.

I could have typed that very post a few years back

i agree you should see your GP, my pnd kicked in when my ds was about 9mths, i was in denile for a while about it though, there is light at the end of the tunnel, dont suffer in silence, talk to a professional

and stop hving sex with your dh if you dont want it, give yourself a break, tell him how you feel and gve yourself a chance to feel better again

where do you live blue? which town?

Definatley go and see your GP, and in the mean time you could give the Samaritans a call or an email just so that you can talk a bit about how you are feeling. Talking to them anonymously might help you prepare to go and talk to your GP.

Totally agree that you should try and talk to someone - maybe gp or someone from hv/ children and families team at your local surgery.
I think setting unrealistically high expectations of yourself can make things really hard - you are not lazy. You are caring for your 9 mo and that is hard work. Don't feel that you have to do anything you don't want to. You don't have to.

I know exactly how you feel when you say you "want to feel like me again". I felt exactly this way a few months ago. Try to think of things you could do for yourself in the future so you have something to look forward to. And talk. Talking definitely helps.

I've never felt so worthless and lonely in my entire life.

I'm so bitter. Bitter that everyone else has a life and I don't. Friends enjoy healthly sex lives, go on dates, have romantic meals and conversations.

..and there's me. With hair that hasn't been washed for a week, baby food on my clothes and jeans that don't fit.

I've thought about leaving, but I can't even be bothered to do that. How fucking sad, eh?

Where do you live, blue?

This is exactly how I feel today! Only difference is that I am working outside the home. For me at least, it has been caused by not having a good night sleep in weeks and the last three nights DD being awake from 1am-3am.
I don't know a lot about PND but sometimes I wonder whether being a mother really is just shit and taking drugs to make me think otherwise might not be a good idea, which is why I haven't gone to the GP. But then my depression goes after a few days (or with some sleep) so i guess that is the difference between what I go through and PND.

I do hope things feel better soon, blueascanbe and that you get some support. I can feel your pain!

Oh lord! That sounds horribly familiar . I am the most irritatingly upbeat person normally but when I suffer from depression I am just as you describe. Please please please, go and see your GP right now! It isn't you, it's the depression talking. Might be PND, might just be just ordinary depression, either way you can get better.

I'm on citalopram and it has helped me massively.

Please go. You don't need to feel like this.

Would third PND, mine didn't kick in until 6 months and took a few months to really get a grip on me :( Please go and see your GP, and printing this off is a great idea. Meanwhile bung LO in a pram and go for a walk, walking helped me tremendously and even if it doesn't work for you at least you will be able to tell yourself you've achieved that.

I have some family here, but they work and have things going on at weekends, they're the type that say they'll pop round but never quite manage it. Both sets of lo's Grandparents live in France and DH's sister is in London.

I live in Cambs, Balloon.

blue! Ring GP for appointment.

blue- sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like you have pnd. i suffered from it with my dd1, i hid it until she was about 7 months and then i started to feel like you. I was prescribed an anti-d and also conselling and it took 5 months but i feel like me again, you will get there but you need to go to your gp. i called my hv and cried about it, she contacted gp and i was seen immediately. i couldn't bring myself to tell the gp because i'd got so good at hiding it so i wrote a note.

here are a few things i do that don't cost money but gets you out:

go to pet shops, garden centres, parks, walk round toys shops... i do that just to get out...

please keep us posted xx

Ah mate, you are really struggling and can't see the wood for the trees.

I def think you are in the grips of depression.

You need help, you deserve help.

You are not worthless or loathsome you are just not very well at the moment.

My stepsister felt the same as you and I practically forced her to go to the GP and get some anti-depressants and counselling. Within 3 months she had gone through a huge and positive turnaround. You can too.

xx

BTW when I started on citalopram I felt better within a week. Literally that quickly. And knowing I had done something about it helped too.

blue,

yes indeedy you are living the reality of babydom. probably with a bit of depression, especially if you cant see the good in anything.

first of all perfect wife and mother??? myth.

you do what you can to get through the day with you and the baby unharmed and healthy.

YES it really is that basic. when i had y babies, i was so depressed, so bitter, angry. suddenly all my friends didn't want to come see e with shitty nappies and unbrushed hair, i didn't get invited out anyore, and if i did - could i really be fucked going?

everything was a chore, and everyone was better off than me.

every woman with a child was a better mum than me
everyone with a house had a nicer house than me, and they kept it tidy
i felt very bitter towards people with cars shit you not, i almost hated the gliding along to wherever they were going, whilst i was pushing a bloody buggy up mount everest to buy a pint of milk.

and the kids, 9 months old. god how uninteresting are they? well good mums ( i thought) they doted on their kids, but i didn't even particularly LIKE mine.

yeah ok i loved them, but i felt that was obligatory.

i didn't like them.

i went to the doctors and all that, and i think you should too.

but MY salvation was a plan.

it dawned on me that the only person who could pull me out of this big black hole was me.

that DH didn't get it, he was working 12 hour night shifts and coming home to a screaming harridan. my marriage was breaking and i knew it.

so i decided to do something about it.

i took my driving lessons
i went to college - one that had a creche, so i didn't have to be with the kids i didn't particularly like all day.

i think this is what you need, a plan.

because when you plan for the future, you are giving yourself hope.

HOPE is what you don't allow yourself to have when you have depression

get it!?

Blue - I think you need to take charge of your situation - and posting on here is a way of doing so, so well done you.

You have identified part of the problem - you're not going out. Deep down you know that this is a possible sign of PND, and that going out could well make you feel better.

You need to decide whether or not you are going to see your GP.

This is excellent.

It talks about the need to do things which would have caused you pleasure in the past - to fake it so you make it, essentially.

With regard to your husband calling you lazy, he needs to know this is completely and utterly unacceptable. Perhaps you should leave him with the baby for the day, that will concentrate his mind.

So, I have a appt at 3:15pm to see the GP.

I'm suprised the receptionist could understand me through my wailing. I'm so scared of going, more scared of going out the front door.

I've been on citalopram before lo was born, it seemed to work. I thought I'd gotten through the worst bit when he was born. This has well and truly bitten me right on the arse.