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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gobsmacked that ExP brought his girlfriend

71 replies

MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 21:24

to a school for for secondary school for ds?

And then proceeded to talk only to her about the school, while she backed him up about how fab it was?

Background is I don't want ds to go to this school. very poor, improving slowly. But its right next door to ExP.

I want him to go to a school near me, because it is an excellent school.

My form on this is that ds currently attends school near ExP and lives with him four days a week at the moment. I moved him there because I thought it was the best school for him, even though it killed me not to have him with me all the time.

So, AIBU to be furious that ExP brought his girlfriend of six months to this school visit?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 21:25

sorry, should have said school open day... gah!

OP posts:
furryfungus · 14/10/2010 21:26

So did you attend also?

I don't see what the problem is.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 21:27

The problem is that she is not his parent, and its nothing to do with her. It is between ExP and myself.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 14/10/2010 21:27

What's the issue, that he brought her, that he wants him to go there, ? I think there are lots of issues. I think you probably ABU about him taking her there (background? How long seeing each other etc?) but not necessarily that he looked at this school in the first place...

furryfungus · 14/10/2010 21:28

I would be pleased that anyone would be taking an interest in my child's education.

fuschiagroan · 14/10/2010 21:28

This is going to be typical of the kind of ballache you will encounter with ExPs. But surely it doesn't matter what she thinks, it won't have any bearing on where he actually goes?

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 21:29

And yes, I went, because I am trying to be even handed about the decision where he goes. I went as a courtesy to ExP. and was even prepared to be blown away if it was a much better than I had thought.

OP posts:
JoBettany · 14/10/2010 21:30

YANBU. I completely agree with you. It is absolutely nothing to do with a new-ish girlfriend where your DS attends school.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 21:31

Hm, Furry, I really don't think you would. They both ignored be and were playing happy married couple in charge with my child not knowing who to walk with.

OP posts:
furryfungus · 14/10/2010 21:31

So if you make the decision in conjunction with your exP, how can she have any control over it? Surely she is another interested party not a decision maker.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/10/2010 21:37

I would be pissed off too. It's nothing to do with her and was very rude of your Ex to do this.

Who gets ultimate say if you can't agree? I'd be wary of having your DS spend most of the week with your EX because he could claim to be primary carer and overule you wrt decision making.

I would have DS living with me and would take him into school myself, even if it was a long way to travel.

saffy85 · 14/10/2010 21:47

YANBU. My stepmum wouldn't have gone to something like this and she's been married to my dad since before I started school of any kind!

Don't know the finer details but this is something you, your ex and your DS should be deciding between you, without ex's new missus sticking her oare in.

pooka · 14/10/2010 21:50

With Karmabeliever re feeling concerned about the decision making ability being removed if your ds lives there for 4 days out of every 7.

perfumedlife · 14/10/2010 22:07

I don't see what is wrong with him bringing his partner. If she is a partner, then surely this will be a topic they both talk over? Maybe she will even become a stepmother? Who knows.

I do think they should have been talking with you, well the ex should, after all ,that's what the visit was about, no?

My dh discusses his son's school stuff with me, and I am the boys stepmum. Name only, I don't have much of a role other than cheerleader for him, but still, I would not like to feel pushed out of something that affected my dh and his boy. I think it's healthy to share.

Blu · 14/10/2010 22:15

YANBU. gf of 6 months doth not a step-mum make. And it sounds as if they behaved very rudely to you.

How long has your DS been living with exH and attending the school near him? How does your DS feel about which school, and changing the living situation?

portaloo · 14/10/2010 22:19

IMO, It depends on why he brought his g/f to the meeting?

Have you told him you don't want his g/f at these meetings? Do you get on with his g/f? Or do they sit whispering and talking amongst themselves, while you sit alone, and you are the one feeling left out?

This is probably all coming out wrong, but AFAIC, If your XP knows how much you don't want his g/f there and then turns up with her, and proceeds to discuss your DC's schooling with her rather than with you, I'd be pissed off too.

For the sake of good relations between you, XP and your DC, I think if they knew it would upset you, the g/f should have stayed away, since she has only been his g/f for 6 months. Not exactly a long standing relationship anyway IMO.

portaloo · 14/10/2010 22:24

perfumedlife I also agree that XP's probably do share what happens with their DC with their new g/f's, but why not fill new g/f in after the meeting??

Personally, I would be livid if XP brought his new g/f of 6 months to a meeting at the school. And he knows that!! Not that he would respect my feelings. Angry

OTOH, I expect he tells g/f everything that has been said, decided etc etc and I don't mind about that.

huddspur · 14/10/2010 22:25

YABU and you sound a little jealous/resentful. Why not have a 3rd persons input and she could well end up as his step mum anyway.

perfumedlife · 14/10/2010 22:26

yeah, fair point portaloo.

Snorbs · 14/10/2010 22:34

karmabeliever, would you be so concerned about the father losing decision making primacy if the child lived the majority of time with his mother? Or are you just assuming that the mother should always have the final say?

Anyway, if both parents have PR (and absent a sole residency order) then both parents are obliged to discuss schooling. If no agreement can be reached then mediation could be used or, ultimately, a family court case could be brought.

OP, I can understand your dismay at your ex bringing his DP. It is a bit of a crass thing to do. On the other hand this isn't a woman he happened to pick up in a bar the previous weekend. It's a six month relationship so could be seen as reasonably settled.

Your views are important and if you're not happy discussing this with your ex face-to-face, write a letter laying out what you think and what you would like to happen. What does your ex think about your preferred school? And where does DS want to go?

piscesmoon · 14/10/2010 22:51

If it is just an open day I can't see the harm-another view can be a good thing. If you are discussing where DC goes then it is between the two of you, but he is an equal parent and you are going to have listen to him.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 22:52

Thanks all for your input. I am certainly not jealous or resentful. Took me long enough to get rid of the emotional and financial leech as it is.

I have sole PR. So, he really should be making the effort with me, not the other way around. Being rude and disrespectful to me is not the way to persuade me to continue to share so much parenting with him.

My son has some SN which means long travel for him every day is not good for him, and I think its great his dad finally gets to see what day to day parenting is really about. And I work, which his father doesn't so someone has to pay the bills.

Plus my ds adores his dad, so anything to further their relationship is good in my book.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 22:56

actually I don't have to listen to him at all. The fact that I am trying to so hard to be inclusive and hear his viewpoint is simply to be fair all round. In law he has no say whatsoever. He should respect that.

OP posts:
unusualspectre · 14/10/2010 22:57

yanbu what the hell as it got to do with her where your son goes to school

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 22:58

And sorry to drip feed, but neither he nor his gf are from this country, neither understand the education system here. He simply wants him to be near to him because he is too lazy to go on a bus with him a couple of times a week. So their input has `zilch value.

OP posts: