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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gobsmacked that ExP brought his girlfriend

71 replies

MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 21:24

to a school for for secondary school for ds?

And then proceeded to talk only to her about the school, while she backed him up about how fab it was?

Background is I don't want ds to go to this school. very poor, improving slowly. But its right next door to ExP.

I want him to go to a school near me, because it is an excellent school.

My form on this is that ds currently attends school near ExP and lives with him four days a week at the moment. I moved him there because I thought it was the best school for him, even though it killed me not to have him with me all the time.

So, AIBU to be furious that ExP brought his girlfriend of six months to this school visit?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 22:59

And for all that think another viewpoint is a good thing, where was she at all the other school visits?

OP posts:
ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 14/10/2010 23:00

Does the gf live with your XP (and hence with your DS when he's there), or are there plans for her to move in in the near future? If so then I don't think it's utterly unreasonable for her to be there as she is potentially going to be involved in the practicalities of getting him to school / picking him up if he's sick / etc. and should know what's going on. I don't think she should have any input into the decision, though.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 23:02

She moved in three weeks ago. There are now three of them in a one bedroom flat. Another issue to be considered.

OP posts:
reddaisy · 14/10/2010 23:06

YABU. If she was showing an interest in your son's education then surely that is a good thing? Try and get on with her, instead of resenting her prescence. Even if it is just a case of keep your friends close etc.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 14/10/2010 23:07

You know what, I guess I should chill about it. After all, its not like he doesn't do this stuff all the time.

I first met her at the special brunch for ds' 10th birthday which was meant to be just the three of us, and lo, there she was, showering him with gifts and clothes in front of me....I shall just sing la la la very loudly in my head from now on, and choose the best school for ds.

OP posts:
unusualspectre · 14/10/2010 23:12

yeah just ignore her .best way really

LookToWindward · 14/10/2010 23:38

I don't see a problem with your ex DPs new partner being present at a school open day. I also fail to see why your opinion wrt to choice of school should be the deciding one. I also don't understand how you can have sole PR when your son spends more than 50% of his time in your ex's care.

To be honest this is coming across as little more than petty jealously. But then I find it hand to get an even opinion with only one side's viewpoint...

midori1999 · 14/10/2010 23:48

"To be honest this is coming across as little more than petty jealously. But then I find it hand to get an even opinion with only one side's viewpoint..."

I'm inclined to agree.

Just bethankful that the new GF is taking an interest in your sons life. An extra adult to look out for him is a good thing, not a bad one. She could be the stepmother from hell who doesn't give a shite about your son and tries to get your ex to kick him out and send him back to you to live full time, but instead it sounds like she is trying to build a good relationship with your son and be there for him.

Nellykats · 14/10/2010 23:48

yanbu

I don't see what the girlfriend's role was in this, especially if they've been together for 6 months.

I think it's more a statement from the ex "woohoo I have a girlfriend" rather than genuinely caring. So in six months she has developed such feelings for your child she needs to be part of the decision making? At least they should have asked if you minded her being there, showing some care for your feelings too.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:10

Oh please, I am more than happy for ds to have a loving and close relationship with the new women in ExPs life.. in fact I have been unfailingly polite and friendly to all his GFs over the years. It is in ds' interests that we all get on and have his best interests at heart.

I WANT ExP to settle down and have a happy home life. Why wouldn't I? Its ds' life too.

I have always supported their relationship, in the face on really trying behaviour, including refusing to see ds when I tried to discuss child support over the eight years we were separated. This man has never paid a penny in child support. He has not worked in years, his parents support him financially, as do I.

His new gf is perfectly nice as far as I know. He, on the other hand, has turned into a truculent teenager since they got together. Ds is only with ExP so much at the moment as I have started a business and he agreed to have him a bit extra while I got on my feet. This was not an arrangement where I handed ds over to ExP without a thought. It has broken my heart to be separated from him, but he was sinking badly in his old school, they failed to diagnose his SN for years (finally had to go private) and ExP won't do any of the physio ds needs. I am getting to the point where I feel this experiment in joint parenting is failing badly, as ExP refuses to involve me or inform me of anything regarding ds. For example, I allowed him to take ds abroad this summer for five weeks to visit his family, even though I really didn;t want to. At no point during that time did ExP pick up the phone to allow ds to talk to me, despite that being a specific condition of taking him away. His justification was that ds needed to do it by himself to be independent. Five weeks of chasing my child around another continent to be told he was off camping so couldn't be contacted, to be told the call was too expensive. He other justification was that he left home at 14 so ds should be able to deal with managing his own contact with me while abroad. DS is ten.

I could go on.

But I always believed ExP, however stupid and lazy, would always put ds' interests first. which is why I am finding it so hard to understand why he wants him to go to a crap school when a fantastic one is available to him (top 1% in country). This has shaken my faith in his ability to co parent with ds' best interests at heart. After all, I sacrificed my time with ds so he could go to a school where he would be loved and cherished and his self esteem built up.

That's what parents do. I always thought he was a good dad, if useless in every other way. Now I am seriously wondering if I made a terrible mistake.

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 15/10/2010 00:15

If you're so convinced you are right why are you posting here?

AuntiePickleBottom · 15/10/2010 00:18

so what makes a good and bad school.

tbh ofstead reports means nothing, the school is informed when they are coming...unless the school in under special measures then i can't comment about it

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:19

Yes. I guess you are right. Why post here. I'll just mooch off and be petty and jealous all by myself. After all, what would I know? stray gfs should always be included in life changing decisions regarding children. you are so right.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 15/10/2010 00:23

Not exactly a winning attitude that one. I appreciate it's horrible for you, but "poor me, I'm a waste of space, I'll go now" is a weird way to think.

Nellykats · 15/10/2010 00:24

MadameDefarge, I think you're right to be concerned and to be posting here, hope you feel a bit happier in the morning

good night from me x

Nellykats · 15/10/2010 00:25

what's with the critical attitude towards the poster? is this the aibu police? please get over yourselves

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:25

Auntie Pickle. You are indeed right. Ofsted reports are not the best indicators of a school's strengths and weaknesses, and I speak as someone who was working in school when we went into special measures.

In my book, what constitutes a good school is one where the head bothers to be available at the one open day they have for prospective parents. who spends time talking to parents about their issues, who organises tours in a timely and informative manner. It is one where SN support is strong. It is one which feels like a community devoted to the well being of all the children. It is one which teaches all the children how to respect themselves and each other. One where achievement is not measured solely in academic performance. But one which also actively seeks to promote each and every child according to their needs.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 15/10/2010 00:29

so those are your views then fight for it, it seems to me you are doing the best for your child.

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:32

Beautiful, every heard of heavy handed sarcasm?

Such a silly question, no one posts in AIBU unless completely convinced of being utterly reasonable. We might well change our minds in the face of reasoned argument, but being told I is petty and jealous to mind a random girlfriend suddenly playing mum to my son is not one of them. He has a mother, and a father. It is our job to talk to each other. Pretty hard with new gal hanging of ExPs arm breathily spouting " This is wonderful school" when by every metric is is pretty bloody poor. Poor thing, she'll soon dump him when she realises, as they all do, what a muppet he really is.

Its just an irritant. And completely his fault, not hers. Though pretty dim not to have suggested it might be a tad inappropriate, and to ask me first if it was ok.

Its called manners.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:39

Indeed, Auntie, but the irony is, I don't need to fight for it. I could do what I bloody well like when it comes to choosing the school, because I do have sole PR, and for those of you who think its weird I have sole PR when ds is with ExP so much at the moment, that's the law. He has had ample time and encouragement from me to have shared PR, but he has never pursued it. He won't formalise anything, and never has, neither child support, nor access, nor contact. I have flown by the seat of my pants for years supporting ds and his feckless pa, and I was really happy that finally he took the opportunity to commit to this little boy who never really knew if daddy would even turn up.

At least I have achieved that.

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 15/10/2010 00:41

A big part of my job is finding the 'truth' from two very different viewpoints of the same event. I know how easy it is to dramatically skew an argument by simply omitting a few details here, elaborating on a few things there or simply how something is worded. I am very good at 'reading between the lines' as it were.

This is what makes aibu so interesting for me. So often its only one view with all subtle and partisan inflectipns that view has. Id be very interested to hear the XPs description of this...

As I've said,this sounds like a simple case of jealously to me but given we've only heard one view its hard to say...

AuntiePickleBottom · 15/10/2010 00:41

so why make it an issue

Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:48

What do you think I am jealous of? I don't understand. Jealous of his new gf? We have been apart for 8 years...who bloody cares who he goes out with as long as she is kind to ds?

Jealous of her being party to his thoughts on the matter? Of course he is going to discuss it all with her, who wouldn't?

Jealous of her being there?

No, not jealous, just gobsmacked at how inappropriate it was. We needed to walk around the school together, talk about it together, discuss our concerns. All impossible with new GF there. ANd massively passive aggressive. Especially as she did not come to the school I want him to go to, and he refused to go to any other school, despite the fact we have six choices to list, so I did the rest by myself.

Perhaps I am just losing patience with idiots who wont even participate fully in the process but think they have every right to have an opinion?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDefarge · 15/10/2010 00:53

And lookto, when you have got over congratulating yourself on your uncanny ability to divine the real truth behind people's words, perhaps you could just entertain, for one moment, that it is just bad mannered to thrust a virtual stranger into the middle of a life changing decision regarding a child?

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 15/10/2010 00:54

so the father does not have a right as in your opinon, he don't have PR so don't have a choice.

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