To be gobsmacked that ExP brought his girlfriend

[MadameDefarge]

to a school for for secondary school for ds?

And then proceeded to talk only to her about the school, while she backed him up about how fab it was?

Background is I don't want ds to go to this school. very poor, improving slowly. But its right next door to ExP.

I want him to go to a school near me, because it is an excellent school.

My form on this is that ds currently attends school near ExP and lives with him four days a week at the moment. I moved him there because I thought it was the best school for him, even though it killed me not to have him with me all the time.

So, AIBU to be furious that ExP brought his girlfriend of six months to this school visit?

op you sound like a great mum who will do everything possible for her child.

From my point of view, when I met dh we got serious pretty quick and his son came to stay with us. Dh had to work (which I was not happy about) and I cared for the child each day for a fortnight's holiday with us. I was new to that, having no children at the time, and ss was only 4. I was flattered that dh trusted me with his son, and humbled when the boy took to me and trusted me. In many ways I thought his mother must have made a great job bringing his up. My dh lived so far away from his son that visits were infrequent, but lengthy.

I suppose what I'm saying is, maybe this is a serious relationship and he does sound a bit useless. Perhaps she wanted to come and offer him encouragement. Your ex would have shown good manners to inform you that she was coming, but was not really under any obligation to ask your permission.

But I do understand, it sounds like he has been pretty useless for a long time, and that this is just one of many irks.

He has a right to an opinion, and to voice that opinion, and that opinion to be heard, and taken fully into account.

When that opinion is based solely on a desire to not have to travel very far to get a child to school a couple of mornings a week (even though he does not actually work) its kind of hard to see the validity of his viewpoint.

The best school available to ds, vs a struggling school? We are talking inner london here. There is a policeman based a the school he wants ds to go to. I know what that means. The head couldn't even be bothered to come out of her office and say a few words to the parents who had turned up. We saw no teaching, we talked to no teachers. The one I want him to go to? An inspirational head, (who I have met before, and who spent half an hour talking to me about ds and how they could support him) brand new building, fabulous facilities, a strong school ethos, amazing SN support, and only two years ahead of ds. No lunkin great 16 year olds being frisked for knives on the door. These things matter.

IF the school ExP wanted ds to go to was in the same league, I would be hard put to justify sending him to my choice simply because I want ds to be with me. But as he will be 50/50 between us, we have to choose the best school available. And if ExP can't see that, then I will have to make that choice by myself.

thank you perfumed. You sound like a lovely person for your dss to have in his life.

As you say, it is not entirely unreasonable to be irked and annoyed at his twattishness. It was a missed opportunity for us to co parent. Opportunities that are few and far between sadly.

Its just wildly annoying! Nothing to do with GF. Perfectly nice girl. Just ExP being a twat. That's all, no need for heavy handed assertions of my obvious pettiness and jealousy.

Just cross and pissed off. Is that allowed?

You will need to make the decision on the school I think, it sounds like exp will take the least hassle option

Education is too important.

And just to be really clear. I don't make the law. When the application for secondary school goes in, it has to be done by the parent/s who have PR. That is me. So I do have that responsibility. I could be a cow and simply do what I like. I am trying to make sure the decision is a joint one. But that is looking less and less likely.

I would be very unimpressed that he hasn't even bothered to apply for PR. Is he aware of how few (none) rights he has over ds?

It sounds like he is half in, half out tbh. I really think, although you are showing very willing by including him in this process, he most likely will opt for what's easy, easy for him.

It sounds like he is just blithely assuming you will carry on giving him the benefit of the doubt, and that approach is doing nothing to make him sit up and take notice. Take care of his responsibilities.

I have told him again and again. he just doesn't get it. He even knows that I have appointed guardians for ds (though of course ds would live with him) in my will!

Because unless he steps up and formalises it, I have to do it all.

I have just come back to this thread and I have to say that I don't think your ex is entitled to an opinion wrt schooling or any aspect of his childs upbringing if he has not paid child support or been a consistant presence in his childs life.

I think you sound like a good parent who has tried to be fair to her Ex and has had no consideration in return. If my Ex took my child out of the country for 5 weeks and wouldn't let me have contact, it would be the last time he saw my child unsupervised. I'm surprised you are still happy to let your child stay with his dad given this.

I think you should bring your child home and not discuss the school issue any further and just send your child to the better school. I would tell my EX to pay child support if he wants to be given an opinion.

YANBU.

I'm a mother and a step-mother so see it from all sides. As a stepmother, and I've been with dh for 5+years in total now, I wouldn't dream of going along to something like that, but then dh's ex wouldn't even think to include him in anything like that, except for paying child support and having access. That's just how she is, dh has dropped dsd at school, collected her or attened parents evening. Not his choice I hasten to add.....

You on the other hand sound like you've done everything to facilitate a good relationship with your son & xh.

I also totally agree with Karma's post above, but equally feel that access shouldn't be based on paying child support.

If the EX has their child 4 days a week I don't see that he should be paying child support.

YANBU. It's not her business. If she had to visit the school she should keep her trap shut about what she thinks. The decision is yours and the boy's father's to make.

YANBU MadamD

She's been his gf for 6 months, it is not her business. I can see completely why you are infuriated/irritated by this. However no doubt she will be a flash in the pan so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

BTW MadamD's ex doesn't pay child support as he doesn't work, so what are people bringing that up for?

All people saying it's great the gf cares and OP should be glad she is interested in her son, are you in the habit of involving random strangers in life changing decisions involving your DC?

Unless you are quite mad, I am guessing the answer would be no.

YANBU

I would hate this and the thought of the personal compromises you made in your son's best interests and your ex's disregard of these compromises makes me and reminds me of my current situation.

Horrid for you.

Yet he could afford to take the child out of the country for 5 weeks?

I bring up child support because I think that if you want to be involved in making decisions then you also have to stump up the cost of bringing up a child. If he's not working now, through no fault of his own, then he can't contribute much, but when the child returns to live with his mother, he should pay what he can.

The OP says he's never paid child support, and I find it hard to believe that in all that time he's never had any money!

Ah right Karma I understand where you are coming from.

Unfortunately, it is quite easy to avoid paying child support if you are that way minded - I speak from experience.

Totally YANBU.

Comical that you still had people saying YABU! There will always be some.

OP, YANBU, totally, and I can't believe some of the views on here tbh.

To separate the two points - the GF being there, and giving her opinion - I agree, it was totally inappropriate, she has not been on the scene long enough to have an informed opinion on what is best for your child.

Point two - the choice of school. You are absolutely doing the best thing for your ds to get him into the school you feel comfortable with, and where you genuinely believe he will receive most help. I don't believe any decent mother wouldn't do that, particularly with a SN child, where it's so utterly crucial to give them the best chance possible.

I don't understand why MD has been getting such a hard time. Choosing a school is a huge and sensitive subject, and even more charged when it has implications fo where a child lives and with which parent. MD wouldn't have to be a jealous, bitter petty minded bitch to feel that the unexpected presence of a new partner taking a very active interest wouldn't make her feel outvoted, 2:1 in the decision making.

Surely a good 'other half' or step parent or potential stepparent does what theyc an to suport the child's parents to make careful decisions in the best interests of the child. And that doesn't necessarily mean being part of the decision making. In this case, 3's a crowd.

The way tohave done it would have been for the exH to say " I wondered about bringing ** along as she is a teacher and good at deciphering what schools are really offering, what do you think? Would that be OK?" Not just bringing her along unanounced as part of the decision making team.

Thanks for your comments ladies. I don't feel quite so bad now!

Re the child support. We split when ds was 2. Ds lived with me f/t until last year, seeing his dad at weekends, and going on holiday with him.

ExP has not worked properly since we split, despite retraining in a profession, and has never paid child support. I made the decision not to pursue him on it and just to support ds myself.

When I decided to change ds' school, the best one I found was very near to ExP, who was keen to have ds more, so this worked well, and has given them a chance to really form a close bond. This is good, though it has cost me alot given I miss him so much.

His parents support him financially.