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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4.7,too young for tea and a play?

92 replies

motherbeyond · 14/10/2010 19:47

aibu,or is dh? dd has just started school and this pm one of her classmates asked if she could go to his house for tea and a play next week. i said yes,but have just told dh and he says no way,that she's too young.
i have never met his dad but have gotquite friendly with his mum as she walks halfway home with me if i see her that am/pm(same village)
what says the mn jury?

OP posts:
BaggedandTagged · 16/10/2010 08:23

Your DH's logic is completely flawed because if they are psychopths then

  1. why would they leave a complete audit trail to their plan to abduct and murder your PFB rather than just kidnapping someone off the street?
  1. She's not going to admit to being a psychopath just because you go for a Starbucks with her before allowing your child into her house for the afternoon?

tbh I would be a bit "oh FFS" if you wanted to vet me before allowing your daughter to take up an invite for tea having met me before on sevreal occasions. I'd probably just write you off as a bit weird and get my son to invite someone with slacker parents.

piscesmoon · 16/10/2010 09:52

Exactly BaggedandTaggged-not worth the bother. If I had something to hide I would be very careful in hiding it!
I would highly resent the fact that I couldn't issue a simple invitation without the parent (if it were the done thing) asking to see my CRB, meeting DH and the rest of the family, inspecting the house for danger, the kitchen for hygiene, my proposed menu for tea, knowing my philosophy on parenting and having 3 visits with DC to check that I follow them. Luckily it is not the done thing!! It is a simple after school visit-perhaps much better in the days that DCs just went out to play and called for someone!
People will then start to complain that their DC has no friends and isn't invited anywhere!

DaisySteiner · 16/10/2010 09:58

Yes, children are very impressionable and for that reason I think it is a good thing for them to get to see other families that are different from their own rather than being wrapped up in cotton wool.

"all have been people I've thought of as pretty good parents before the incidents have happened" So you'd write someone off as a bad parent because they made a mistake? Are you perfect then?

bandgeek · 16/10/2010 10:01

I think it's lovely that she is making friends. Your DH is being a bit strange Grin

BaggedandTagged · 16/10/2010 10:29

plus, one of the joys of going to friend's houses for tea is that you're allowed to do stuff you're not allowed to at home.

I liked one friend's house because

  1. she was allowed to watch Grange Hill
  2. She didnt have to ask if she could have a kitkat- she could just take one

Equally she liked my house because

  1. we were allowed to use our loloballs in the house so long as we washed them first
  2. we were allowed to climb the trees in our garden

I dont think either one of us is scarred permanemtly by these weekly transgressions from parental norms Smile

piscesmoon · 16/10/2010 10:56

Parents have to accept that as their DC goes out into the world they can't have absolute control over every situation and the wise parent sees this as a good thing!
Obviously you weigh up the risks but I would say that a couple of hours after school in someone else's house was very low-I also fail to see how tea in Starbucks goes anyway to altering the level of risk.

Heracles · 16/10/2010 12:53

Your husband has issues. Does he read the Daily Mail...?

Foxy800 · 16/10/2010 17:18

My daughter had a couple at nursery and has had one since starting school in September. She is 4.5 yrs old. If your daughter is cinfident abotu going then go for it.

moid · 16/10/2010 17:28

Gosh I am such a slacker - have never thought about the quality of the parents when saying yes to playdates.

Though I had one 5 year old using the word c**t, one child stripping at tea time, a full on fight between DS1 and friend vs DS2 and friend, tears and pooey pants all at different times.

And all those kids have been back to play because they are just kids and we are all just parents trying to get by.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/10/2010 17:41

I'm a bit like your DH and would worry about my DD too, so like the idea suggested earlier that you explain to the mum that it's your DDs first time going to tea at someone elses house and would she mind if you came too for a bit.

That way, you can get more of a feel for what kind of people they are.

I only let my DCs go to the houses of people that I have met and spoken to (or have friends who know them) and got a 'feel' for iyswim.

I do think it is important that you know the people you are trusting with your child. Some people will have completely different opinions wrt what their DCs are allowed to do and at 4 your DD is a bit too young to be responsible for saying that she isn't allowed to do certain things.

Clary · 16/10/2010 17:49

She's never been away from you???

Does she not go to school then? Hmm

YY it's totally fine. Tbh when would it be fine for yr DH, based on his rather random objections?

Anyway I see you have sorted out something that suits. I agree with Piscesmoon tho, socialising on her own is an important social skill.

maryz · 16/10/2010 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 16/10/2010 18:17

yes,i may be bit precious first born,but she is just that.very,very,precious.
imagine you had priceless ming vase...would you give it to any old fuckwit to hold?...
i feel the same way about my little girl Wink
(ps.heracles.no,dh doesn't read the daily mail,he works for a rival publication Grin)

OP posts:
maryz · 16/10/2010 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cat64 · 16/10/2010 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 16/10/2010 19:38

wouldn't it be easier if they were Ming vases though...

no unsuitable boyfriends

no dodgy parties

no worries about whether they are streetwise enough when they go off to uni

piscesmoon · 16/10/2010 19:49

The Ming vase is a silly comparison-it goes out of everyones reach in a cabinet-that would cause real mental health problems for a DC-although they would be safe!
Everyone's DC are precious-mine certainly are which is why I am not going to keep rigid control over the poor things! How on earth will they cope with cub camp, sleepovers, going into town on their own, having boyfriends, cooking a meal etc etc if they can't go to a friends house after school for a couple of hours! I haven't seen any lurid headlines about dreadful happening while at tea with a classmate. It wouldn't be news to say that xxxx thousand 4 yr olds went to tea without mummy-quite successfully!
If there are problems I expect the mother would phone you and you could go and collect.
Surely it is good, as someone said earlier, to see that other families do things differently,

Clary · 16/10/2010 23:38

Oh right your DD is precious and of course because I let my DC use big scissors to cut and go to play at the Rec and go to houses I have not personally vetted for axe-murderers they are not precious? Hmm

You need to let go for your DD's good. A friendly parent at school having her to play for a couple of hours is about as safe as it can get!

allhallowsandwine · 17/10/2010 01:15

karmabeliever i would have anyones dc at mine regardless of the parenting and have expirenced similar occurances as you at my own house but i would be a little more reluctant to send dd to some of their houses.

its a hard one but to op it sounds like you have found this person to be an alright parent at the least so dispite my other reply go for it on this occassion and take each invite as you find it and plan a quick fitre risk assesment on each invitation as hopefully thier will be many more. you may find there are invites you turn down but even then it may be more apropriate to say actually thanks but ill have them at mine this time.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 17/10/2010 08:21

clary...you let your dc use big scissors to cut?Shock im ringing social services Grin

picesmoon
of course i don't want her to be a social outcast,or unable to cope with situations without me there,but i also think there's plenty of time..she's only4!
..and to everyone,obviously ALL your children are precious to you,didn't mean to imply otherwise Smile

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 17/10/2010 09:28

I know that they are all precious but you can't compare to Ming vase! If you treated a DC like a Ming vase then it would be a case of calling social services. Grin

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/10/2010 10:11

4.7 is a perfectly normal age to do playdates (the word mn hates Grin)

my 3yr was going for lunch and play after nursery and then i would pick up at 3 or meet the mum at school when picking up eldest dc

nothing wrong with going along to the first one and having a cuppa so you know what the house is like if you want to and then your mind will be at peace and next time you can happily boot then off :)

pigletmania · 17/10/2010 10:43

YABU she is 4.7 not 2.7 you cannot keep wrapping her up in cotton wool. Its great that she has friends. Is not like you have never met the parents, you know the mum and walk with her on the school run regularly. Let go you have to sometime Smile

coolma · 17/10/2010 10:54

Oh dear, my 4.9 year old has not only been going to play with friends since she was 3, she has already had a sleepover at her friends house. I may be old and jaded, having got a 21 year old and a 10 year old as well, but I think it's really important for them to learn about other householdss...as well as relishing the peace and quiet Grin

choufleur · 17/10/2010 11:00

DS (4.6) is so excited that one of his friends is coming for tea after half term (i'd said no to inviting friends back before half term simply because ds is so bloody tired and I thought by half term he might have settled into the school routine by then). I've only ever spoken to the other boys mother for a few seconds in the morning when dropping DS off at breakfast club.

It's a normal thing to do. You DH is BU.

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