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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4.7,too young for tea and a play?

92 replies

motherbeyond · 14/10/2010 19:47

aibu,or is dh? dd has just started school and this pm one of her classmates asked if she could go to his house for tea and a play next week. i said yes,but have just told dh and he says no way,that she's too young.
i have never met his dad but have gotquite friendly with his mum as she walks halfway home with me if i see her that am/pm(same village)
what says the mn jury?

OP posts:
pippylongstockings · 14/10/2010 21:15

Honestly it really wouldn't overly worry me to the point of thinking about.......

'Mainly because I worry that other households do not share my safety standards eg dogs left alone with children, alcohol, cleaning products or medicines left within children's reach, paddling pool left uncovered.'

The worst injury I have known was from a friend dropping a child back after a playdate - cue small child tripping over and gashing his head open - BUT it was an accident it could happen at any time to anyone. Nothing anyone could do about it even if they had high safety standards.

I would judge most people who have children to keep their house reasonably safe but you cant wrap them in cotton wool and predict what may or may not happen.

For me it would be if my child was happy to go and felt comfortable more than any other health and safety issue.

Can you go to for a cup of tea 1st to appease your DH?

My DS1 is about to go on his 1st sleep over - he is 5.7, I think it is too young but he massivley excited about it so I am happy to let him go.

ChippingIn · 14/10/2010 21:20

He's being a bit U.

LO's started going to friends to play/have tea and having them to ours when they were at nursery - so barely 3.

How long would he like to wrap her in cotton wool for ??

NoahAndTheWhale · 14/10/2010 21:21

DD is 5 and recently went to play at a friend's house after school. I hadn't been there before but the mum and I both had each other's phone numbers, I have talked to her in the playground and her DS is lovely so I was v happy for DD to go.

And she ate mashed potato there (never does here) and was happily stroking their dog when I arrived to pick her up (have never seen her voluntarily being near a dog before. NB had told the other mum about her wariness around dogs). So all good :)

Original poster
motherbeyond · 14/10/2010 21:32

hmmmmm,god,now i am thinking no!i dothink maybe she's a bit young.ican't really ask to come bacause i have 2yr old and a4 mnth old and would have to bring them too...that might be a way outGrin"yes,dd would love to come.infact,we'd all love to come!"

OP posts:
pigletmania · 14/10/2010 21:36

go for it, sounds great, your dh is being a bit pfb like my dh.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 14/10/2010 22:31

i think i'll suggest we allgo for tea somewhere...happy medium me thinks

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 14/10/2010 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 14/10/2010 22:46

All that matters is does DD want to go and is she happy going by herself? If so then go for it. DP is going to have big problems if he is so suspicious and controlling.

cory · 14/10/2010 23:17

"'Mainly because I worry that other households do not share my safety standards eg dogs left alone with children, alcohol, cleaning products or medicines left within children's reach, paddling pool left uncovered.'"

Do you really think your 5yo would go swigging somebody's alcohol if it wasn't kept locked up? A 2 yo, I would understand. Or a 15yo. But a 5yo? They don't go stuffing things in their mouths like babies, do they?

piscesmoon · 14/10/2010 23:25

I think that if you let your DD mix with others then she wouldn't be so impressionable in the first place! She would also start risk assessing for herself. I agree with cory and it would never have occurred to me that my 5 yr old would swig someone's alcohol-they were respectful of other people's things-apart from other considerations. Have you asked if they have a dog? Would they have an uncovered paddling pool in the second half of October? Would your DD take medicine if you left it out? I prefer to bring them up to be sensible. You surely have met the parent and formed an opinion-go with your gut reaction. Most parents are fairly normal-in my experience-at least for a couple of hours after school.

mrswoodentop · 14/10/2010 23:36

Welcome to the world of reception!You dh has to realise that your dd has stepped out into the big wide world.An hour or so of tea and play in other peoples houses is all part of that process.There was another thread on this recently but in reality part of settling in to school is the forming of friendships ,it really is unlikely that anything very bad will happen ,yes things might be different from home but that is part of the fun.
Going out after school is likely to be much more stressful , the other parent may well have other children,she may have a friend for each .It is also likely to cost money plus she may be slightly upset that you do not trust her with your child or feel able to let you dd come to her house

dearprudence · 14/10/2010 23:45

If your DD wanted to do it, I'd be delighted that she was making friends and let her go.

My DS had a boy round to play earlyish in reception. DS was 4.4 and a PFB. Guest child was nearly 5, super-confident and had an older sister.

I was Shock when guest child asked if my DS ever went and 'knocked for' the other children from the class in our road.

I'd still have happily let DS go to their house though - unforunately he was far too shy to go to friend's houses at that age.

ForMashGetSmash · 15/10/2010 00:50

We were nervous about it too...when you said "tea and a play" I had images of your DC going for tea at the Ritz and then on to see Romeo and Juliet!

As for the nervous Dad, he's normal...not weird. If you feel happy then let DC go....

Original poster
motherbeyond · 15/10/2010 16:21

mmm,im still unsure,i'm sure dd would be there like a shot,given the nod!

OP posts:
cat64 · 15/10/2010 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

allhallowsandwine · 15/10/2010 16:45

after reading this post and doing a quick sweep of playground today of the 40 odd mums and dads from dds reception class i picked out only 3 i would be happy for her to go to tea, these are people i have walked along to school with had a previouse conversation with. the others either i have never talked to yet and dont even know wich child belongs to them, or rightly or wrongly I made a judment about them from just looking at them or the brief contact i have had in past 4 weeks.

if you are uncomfertable with it maybe as a very earlier post sugeted explain Dhs concernes as they are resonable and suggest maybe they come to yours as this would be easier for u and other dc and of course mum or dad are welcome.

Oldjolyon · 15/10/2010 16:45

Agree with lots of points other posters have made...

"children at this age arevery impressionable
she's never been away from us
there's no guarantee that they're not the next fred and rosemary west"

Yes, and Holly Chapman was 10 years old - on those grounds would you seriously not let her go to someone's else at 10, because even 10 years cannot judge properly? At what age are they able to judge correctly?

Also,
"Mainly because I worry that other households do not share my safety standards eg dogs left alone with children, alcohol, cleaning products or medicines left within children's reach, paddling pool left uncovered.'"

Here, I agree with Cory. With the exception of the dog, to me the issue is not whether you trust the other family, but whether you trust your child.

Personally, I think children are old enough to be left alone at play dates when they are old enough to be trusted to behave in a manner that you expect whether you are there or not and when they are old enough (and confident enough) to ask for the mother to call you if they are upset.

On that basis, my three year old loves playdates (well, she is 4 next month!)

domesticsluttery · 15/10/2010 16:47

DD is 4.7 and frequently goes on "playdates"

mumblechum · 15/10/2010 16:47

Your dh is being ridiculous.

juicy12 · 15/10/2010 16:49

Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, not Holly Chapman. Anyway, I would probably go to the first play date at that age, but not subsequent if all went well. You could always do a short one and build up to tea.

SlightlyUndead · 15/10/2010 16:51

Normal behaviour - you should let her go. Perhaps collect her early and have tea with the parent in charge to make sure you are happy for this to become a 'regular' thing. Or, tell the other mum that as this is DD's first 'tea' would she mind if you stayed for the first hour.

You will thanking god for any 'playdate' you can get before you know it. My DD is 5 and out at someone's house now. There are around five houses she regularly visits. My DS is 3 and we had two of his friends round this morning.

piscesmoon · 15/10/2010 21:54

The best thing that you can do for your DC is help them to socialise-it is a lifeskill and will make them much happier.
If your DC hasn't the confidence then you could sugggest the friend coming to your house and the mum staying, but I would aim to get over that as quickly as possible. The whole aim to to let the DCs entertain themselves.However if the DC is quite confident and wants to go it is very sad that the parent holds them back because they don't trust anyone.

mumeeee · 15/10/2010 22:10

You DH is being unreasonable. Your DD will be fine and you know the Mum. A lot of 4 year olds go on playdates.

Original poster
motherbeyond · 16/10/2010 07:24

well,i don't know the mum...i have chatted with her..she doesn't know me either.she may have a sense thati am a decent person,and i sense that she is too..but who knows?
i know a woman since dd was born,who has frequently askedto have dd to play,and i always decline because i don't trust her dh/home situation/parnting skills.

i don't gt any of these feelings about this new mum.

anyway,she asked again and i askedif we could go out fortea and get to know each other a bit and she said,of course....so all'swell Smile

OP posts:
ididnamechangeforthis · 16/10/2010 08:02

I think you have to go with your gut feeling here motherbeyond and if you are happy then all good.

With my DD at playgroup she went to one friends house, once after nursery. But I'd met the mum, popped in for a cup of tea and was happy all was well..

Now she has started reception, I am nervous and wary as, suspicious as it sounds, I don't know the parents all that well yet. I would always ask to go with my DD to settle her in if it was a new playdate, and if I was happy to leave, then I'd leave, if I was uncomfortable then I'd stay.

The thing is, yes it is a life skill they should learn, yes they should be respectful of other peoples property, yes, they should be fine, however, with my DD I know that at just 4 years old she does not tell me everything nor still understands about personal safety even though I do tell her about it. She is just still very young for her age, and understandably, as the parent, I make the decision that she is too young to go without me going with her first.

If I was really not happy about the other parent, or their home (i.e. not very safe, or people hanging around that I was unsure about) I would suggest meeting at the park, or wherever.

I'm sorry, I know it sounds suspicious, but I do have my reasons for saying this, as I feel as her parent, I want to give her freedom, but at just 4, I am still responsible for her.

I know other children at four are more vocal and open, and it's fine for them, but my DD, I'd still be worried.

And motherbeyond, if another parent asked me to go out for tea to get to know each other it wouldn't worry me, as I can understand wanting to get to know the other parent and children first. Hope you have fun :)