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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

67 replies

NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 12:25

I don't think I am, but maybe I need a bit of perspective, it's not been said in so many words but it's been implied, your opinions are greatfully recieved.

A bit of back story, and I will try to keep it as short as possible (but don't want to be a acussed of BU by stealth)

DD is almost a year old when she was 5 months old I returned to work (to a job that I don't particularly like and with people I really don't like but that is another story)and DP became a SAHD (I have to say he is fantastic with her, and the other mums, he does most of the housework and cooks dinner most nights - I know I am very lucky).

Every night when I get home from work, I look after DD (play with her, bath her, get her ready for bed and get her to sleep) and finally get a chance to sit down at about 9pm. I DO NOT begrudge this at all, as I love to spend the time with her and miss her enormously during the day.

Every weekend DP goes out at least one day for a minimum of 4 hours to enjoy his hobby, which I have no issue with and accept that he needs some boy time. The rest of our weekends are spent doing family things, but because DP looks after DD all week, I tend to take over the duties (feeding/ playing/ nappies etc)

Now here comes the AIBU bit...

It was recently my birthday and because I couldn't really think of things I wanted I asked those who wanted ideas for either cash or vouchers for a local salon, as a result I have now booked myself a 3 hour spa session on a Saturday. (This includes getting my hair cut, which I haven't done since before I was pregant due to money being really tight)

I confirmed before booking with DP that he had no plans for the day, and he was happy to look after DD, and he said he was. PiL called earlier this week and it was mentioned to them that I was looking forward to some me time and although the didn't say anything to me, they obviously said something to DP, because ever since he's been laying it on thick about not spending quality time with DD. I will be taking her to a Birthday party the same afternoon, and DP will be off for several hours enjoying his hobby.

So AIBU for wanting a few hours me time? I just sometimes feel all I do is work or look after DD, and only get an hour to myself once she's gone to bed before collapsing because I'm exhausted myself.

ok fire away - I'm ready to be told I'm being a selfish cow and putting my wants before my DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 12:26

OOps sorry that is really long

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 14/10/2010 12:29

Of course you are not. Enjoy your spa day.

BuntyPenfold · 14/10/2010 12:29

So are you not to get a hair cut until she is at school?
Of course YANBU.
Is your DP always so influenced by his parents?

TattyDevine · 14/10/2010 12:33

This is a trap a stay at home parent can fall into - that of thinking your "me time" is actually at work simply because it is child-free. This is not the case. Just because you can drink an entire cup of coffee, shit visit the toilet on your own, and finish a sentence, doesn't mean its "me time".

I am a stay at home parent and I recognise this.

If my DH were to dissapear off and play golf for a whole day once every weekend, I would have an issue with that as he's not here much as it is, but the odd chunk of time here and there he is entitled to as much as me.

YANBU.

DiscoDaisy · 14/10/2010 12:36

It's your birthday present so it's not as though you do it every week!
YANBU.

heymango · 14/10/2010 12:38

YANBU - you are allowed some time to yourself!

The situation in this house is the reverse, and I definitely don't get evenings and half a day off per weekend to do 'girl stuff'. DH does play golf occasionally or go to the football, and I don't begrudge him that at all (honest!)

AddictedIsFeelingHappy · 14/10/2010 12:38

yanbu, ignore dp parents and if dp says anything point out that he has his me time doing his hobby, just because you go out and work does not mean you forfit time for yourself. And this is your birthday present, hardly a regular occurance.

Its 1 weekend in a year and you probably wouldnt spend much time with her anyway if shes at a party.

Go and enjoy your birthday present

Tootlesmummy · 14/10/2010 12:39

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Enjoy your spa day and tell your DH to shut up about it.

Or tell him you'll either start to work part time and he can get a part time job or you'll be a SAHM and he can go back to work.

proudnscary · 14/10/2010 12:39

Why are you asking this?

sixpercenttruejedi · 14/10/2010 12:42

so he gets 4 hours each weekend for his hobby, and you taking 3 hours for your birthday is selfish?
YANBU. Grab the opportunity with both hands and don't think twice. Hope you have a great time.Smile

mendipgirl · 14/10/2010 12:45

YANBU, I suffer the same thing, I work more hours than my DH and I recently had a spa day with a friend as it was her 40th and got lines like, "would you rather do that than spend time with DD?" etc. And the truth is occassionally yes it is lovely to get some me time. I think you will feel all the better for it and be so happy to see DD afterwards. Don't feel guilty at all!!

pilates · 14/10/2010 12:47

YANBU - your husband gets time every weekend to do something of his choice. Your treat is a one off so enjoy and have a great time. He or the in-laws shouldn't be making you feel guilty by the way.

BalloonSlayer · 14/10/2010 12:49

Well I am a SAHM and if DH booked something pleasurable for him for three hours at the weekend I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Hedgeblunder · 14/10/2010 12:52

That's really nasty! No way. You go and enjoy yourself, using your dd like this is actually piss poor, of course you love her and want to spend time with her, but it's important that you are looked after too.
I'd be having serious words with dp about the inlaw interference too, it's none of their business at all.

anonacfr · 14/10/2010 12:57

YAsoNBU.
It's your birthday for God's sake. I'm a SAHM and I don't get 4 hours 'off' every weekend to do something for me.
What do your PILs think you do at work all day btw? Faff on the internet and take 3 hour lunches?

In your shoes I'd be quite annoyed with my DH for making me feel bad. What does he think you do with your DD every night?

Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 12:58

Thanks so much, I was really starting to feel really bad about it and was considering canceling the spa part, having a quick hair cut (just to use up the vouchers) and putting the cash into our joint account to go on day to day things.

OP posts:
BrainMash · 14/10/2010 12:59

Absolutely not BU - a well deserved break I'd say.

Enjoy yourself - you work very hard and a short break will do you the world of good.

sixpercenttruejedi · 14/10/2010 13:00

I'd save a sneaky Hmm for your MIL too. But that's the kind of shitstirrer DIL I am.

Tootlesmummy · 14/10/2010 13:00

I'd also ask your DH is PIL said something to him, if they did I would ask him to tell them to keep their thoughts to themselves or speak to you about it.

Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 13:01

MiL gave up work to look after DP and SiL, which I have no issues with and tbh if DP could earn enough for me to be a SAHM I would grab the chance, unfortunately I earn more than he did so our arrangement made financial sense although when PiL's found out about it they were very Hmm about it.

I think PiL are of that generation that they think my work is easy office based stuff and I spend all day chatting and farting about making coffee, if only that was the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 13:03

Thanks sixpercent I may just do that :)

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 14/10/2010 13:03

YANBU. I work full time and DH is a SAHD. He absolutely would not begrudge me 3 hours to myself at the weekend, especially if it were a birthday treat.

However, it might be worth seeing if there is an underlying issue that is making him lay it on think about quality time. Does he resent that he's doing all the housework, or eg that you sometimes have to work late. Of course, it may be nothing, or just his parents stirring, but it's probably worth having a proper chat about how his comments make you feel.

Original poster
NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 13:06

@ tootles & cornflake - I think I will ask him outright and see if it is just PiL's stirring (not unknown) or if he is feeling harddone by.

OP posts:
2babyblues · 14/10/2010 13:08

YANBU - it's a birthday treat afterall!

By the way I do what your husband does, except I have 2 children (3 and 6) and work from home around the children (ie. pre school time and evenings). I also usually put the boys to bed as my husband is often not back till later. I don't get 4 hours off every weekend for my hobby! We occasionally both do one off things at the weekend for a treat but generally have weekends as family time.

Sounds like your husband has a good deal to me.

AddictedIsFeelingHappy · 14/10/2010 13:08

put the cash in your joint account to spend on day to day things?? Shock

Dont you dare.

That is money that was given to you to spend on yourself for your birthday.

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