Am I being selfish?

[NewbeeMummy]

I don't think I am, but maybe I need a bit of perspective, it's not been said in so many words but it's been implied, your opinions are greatfully recieved.

A bit of back story, and I will try to keep it as short as possible (but don't want to be a acussed of BU by stealth)

DD is almost a year old when she was 5 months old I returned to work (to a job that I don't particularly like and with people I really don't like but that is another story)and DP became a SAHD (I have to say he is fantastic with her, and the other mums, he does most of the housework and cooks dinner most nights - I know I am very lucky).

Every night when I get home from work, I look after DD (play with her, bath her, get her ready for bed and get her to sleep) and finally get a chance to sit down at about 9pm. I DO NOT begrudge this at all, as I love to spend the time with her and miss her enormously during the day.

Every weekend DP goes out at least one day for a minimum of 4 hours to enjoy his hobby, which I have no issue with and accept that he needs some boy time. The rest of our weekends are spent doing family things, but because DP looks after DD all week, I tend to take over the duties (feeding/ playing/ nappies etc)

Now here comes the AIBU bit...

It was recently my birthday and because I couldn't really think of things I wanted I asked those who wanted ideas for either cash or vouchers for a local salon, as a result I have now booked myself a 3 hour spa session on a Saturday. (This includes getting my hair cut, which I haven't done since before I was pregant due to money being really tight)

I confirmed before booking with DP that he had no plans for the day, and he was happy to look after DD, and he said he was. PiL called earlier this week and it was mentioned to them that I was looking forward to some me time and although the didn't say anything to me, they obviously said something to DP, because ever since he's been laying it on thick about not spending quality time with DD. I will be taking her to a Birthday party the same afternoon, and DP will be off for several hours enjoying his hobby.

So AIBU for wanting a few hours me time? I just sometimes feel all I do is work or look after DD, and only get an hour to myself once she's gone to bed before collapsing because I'm exhausted myself.

ok fire away - I'm ready to be told I'm being a selfish cow and putting my wants before my DD.

TBH it doesn't matter who is the stay at home parent. There is a type of husband's parent who is only happy when their DIL is putting everyone else ahead of herself. Because they're related to the rest of the family, and so care about the rest of the family more than they care about her.

If you let them have their own way you would never do anything for yourself again, ever.

I think your H is a bit of a selfish prick, TBH. I bet he never stops pulling the martyr routine about how hard his SAHPing is as a justification for having about 10 times as much leisure time as you. Sorry NM but this is a sexism issue, your H (and his parents) are acting as though leisure time is only for men no matter what the WOHP/SAHP arrangment is, and this is simply unfair.

YANBU - sounds like you and DP have a great balance worked out between you. Don't let your silly silly PIL stir things up

Totally agree with SBSUB here.

To me it sounds like your PIL are not at ease with the SAHD thing (or are not yet used to it/ look at it differently to SAHM) as they seem to have needled your DH about it.

Either they or him are obviously assuming that you are ahem (and apologies in advance) 'swanning off to work all day during the week and then deigning to bugger off for half the day at the weekend too, leaving poor DD and poor DH to fend for themselves'.

This totally disregards your role in the home when you return from work, and the fact that both you and DP should make sure you BOTH get some down time on a regular basis - if only for your sanity.

The way your post describes it, your DH was happy with arrangements prior to talking to your PIL. I would try to get to the bottom of his change if heart (discover what has swayed him) and perhaps discuss the issue of alone/down time for the both of you with him.

Sounds like an age old problem which I am sure every couple where one works and the other doesn't goes through. And that is recognising that both roles involve full time work when apart, and that when together the work should be shared, allowing both parents the 'time-off' that they need.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say I had a chat with DP last night, and it turns out he was swayed by his parents, his mum apprently went on about how she gave up her life to raise him and her sister, and how she felt I should do the same, she felt I wasn't commiting enough time to DD and was leaving DP to basically do my job.

MiL called last night, for her weekly chat and update on DD, so I asked her about her concerns, it seems there is also a concern which stems from a family friend who was a SAHM and her DP ran off and left her with nothing, as she hadn't worked for 25 years (much older dc's when they split) she was unable to find work and basically fell to pieces.

So it sounds like there are a number of underlying issues here, I've explained that I love DP to pieces and while I cannot predict the future I never plan to leave him nor DD. I've also tried to put her mind at rest about the role changed and explained that DP is great with DD and actually enjoys being a SAHD more than he's ever enjoyed working. I've taken the stance that were I to be a SAHM, DP would have to get a job he hates (which would probably involve loads of travel) and he wouldn't have the strong bond he has with DD.
I've assured her that DP and I have agreed to revisit the SAHP role should he decide at any stage that he no longer wants to do it, and that I'm pushing gentley nudging DP to look at some form of training in the next couple of years so that when DD starts school, he can maybe get a job he actually enjoys.

Sorry that was so long, but basically wanted to say thank you for all of the comments and I'm glad I didn't just cancel my day out and actually spoke to everyone involved and everyone is now hopefully a bit happier and I can relax and have a guilt free morning.

Good for you.

Re your MIL, it's funny she thinks it's your job to bring up DD but never mind.

I'm glad you got it sorted out and everyone is happy. Now go and enjoy your pampering!

So he's not a 'selfish prick' then?

Maybe PIL are concerned that as you're not married he wouldn't be entitled to a lot if you split? As in no spousal support.

Well done, communication works.

Pithy nah, not really. I would be lying if I said he was perfect, but he's good most of the time :)

Glad you have sorted it all out NM but do bear in mind that this sort of issue may arise again in future, because what is at the bottom of it is the idea that women should put themselves last all the time because men are more important.
YOu are entitled to some leisure time that is both chore-free and childfree. No need to row about it with them, just don't let Pil or H make you feel guilty.

YADNBU!!!!!!!!

IMHO, you are being WAY too nice & accommodating to your DH anyway, & he's been a complete prat if he thinks otherwise

I've been in your situation, & so I can understand you burning yourself out trying to fit in quality time with DCs, but regardless of how good your DH is, YOU need down time too

I used to think my DH was a great SAHD, as he did all that you mentioned above, but he panicked over choosing her clothes, & sorting out her food (due to allergies) this was genuine, so I had to sort that out too, & I will lay bets that YOU also do more than you let on, just by your admission of needing that quality time with DC

I ended up very ill as a result & was forced into giving up work, because I DIDN"T demand down time, so please look after yourself better, & tell anyone who doesn't understand that need to swivel

just spotted your update, really glad you sorted it out, but IMHO, you really do need t make it a more regular thing than just your birthday

My goodness.. none of that was any of her business.

You are nicer than me

YANBU at all, and quite frankly you must be exhausted! Sometimes I think we just can't win. I've been a working mum, a working at home mum and currently a SAHM, and I've found that when it comes to family members (not OH) someone always has an opinion. I've been told that I am a bad mother for working, had it implied that working from home is 'cushy' compared to OH's job and now get snide remarks about sitting on my arse all day. What is important is the OH and DS's are happy with the situation so everyone else can go fuck themselves get lost.

OP - you do a lot more around the home than most working dads - my DH definitely does not take over childcare when he gets home from work and expects me to have a meal ready for him when he gets home - despite the fact I work 4 days pw.

I agree you need to have regular me time and should just book it, the same as your DH has.

And tell MIL to butt out of your family arrangements. None of her business.

And while I can see what she means about DP being financially insecure if he is financially dependent on you and you are not married, I notice she seems to think it would be OK for you to be in this situation

Thanks all for your comments, I'm going to try to start getting a bit of me time, even if it is just a few hours a month just to go window shopping on my own (and of course a coffee and cake)

I've always beeen a bit about our neighbour (also a working mum) who plays sport for a few hours every weekend, now I see this is probably a fantastic way to get some time that is just about her and what she wants to do, and keep her sanity.

If I'm completely honest there have been times when I'm been in tears on the way home because I just feel so trapped, but I have always just bottled it up and carried on, because I thought I needed to do what was expected of me (not by DP, more by everyone else who just have to contribute their 2p) I realise now that if I get the occasional break, I'll actually be a better mum if I'm relaxed and happy, rather that trying to pretend to be when I'm really stressed and tired.

Thanks again MN - you have proven once again what a fantastic bunch you areand how a little perspective can make a massive difference.

@ DancingHippo - I'm in two mind on your last comment, part of me thinks she knows I pulled myelf from having nothing to get where I am now (Left exDH with the clothes on my back and a few books that I had since I was a kid and nothing else)the other half of me still thinks that DP and I will not last (as she has said herself previously) because we met not long after his marriage split up and she views me a bit as the rebound girl - although that was 10 years ago...

erp - I meant

...the other half of me still thinks that she thinks that DP ...