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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

67 replies

NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 12:25

I don't think I am, but maybe I need a bit of perspective, it's not been said in so many words but it's been implied, your opinions are greatfully recieved.

A bit of back story, and I will try to keep it as short as possible (but don't want to be a acussed of BU by stealth)

DD is almost a year old when she was 5 months old I returned to work (to a job that I don't particularly like and with people I really don't like but that is another story)and DP became a SAHD (I have to say he is fantastic with her, and the other mums, he does most of the housework and cooks dinner most nights - I know I am very lucky).

Every night when I get home from work, I look after DD (play with her, bath her, get her ready for bed and get her to sleep) and finally get a chance to sit down at about 9pm. I DO NOT begrudge this at all, as I love to spend the time with her and miss her enormously during the day.

Every weekend DP goes out at least one day for a minimum of 4 hours to enjoy his hobby, which I have no issue with and accept that he needs some boy time. The rest of our weekends are spent doing family things, but because DP looks after DD all week, I tend to take over the duties (feeding/ playing/ nappies etc)

Now here comes the AIBU bit...

It was recently my birthday and because I couldn't really think of things I wanted I asked those who wanted ideas for either cash or vouchers for a local salon, as a result I have now booked myself a 3 hour spa session on a Saturday. (This includes getting my hair cut, which I haven't done since before I was pregant due to money being really tight)

I confirmed before booking with DP that he had no plans for the day, and he was happy to look after DD, and he said he was. PiL called earlier this week and it was mentioned to them that I was looking forward to some me time and although the didn't say anything to me, they obviously said something to DP, because ever since he's been laying it on thick about not spending quality time with DD. I will be taking her to a Birthday party the same afternoon, and DP will be off for several hours enjoying his hobby.

So AIBU for wanting a few hours me time? I just sometimes feel all I do is work or look after DD, and only get an hour to myself once she's gone to bed before collapsing because I'm exhausted myself.

ok fire away - I'm ready to be told I'm being a selfish cow and putting my wants before my DD.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 14/10/2010 13:09

Would you like one of my "Oh just fuck off" t-shirts?

LarkinSky · 14/10/2010 13:12

You and your partner should have equal amounts of (non-child) leisure time.

It sounds as though he has more than you: does he get to put his feet up earlier that 9pm? If he's clocking off his day job at 6pm, when you're home, I'd estimate he gets 5 x 5 hours R&R time in the week (25 hours) plus the 4 hours at the weekend to pursue his hobby (approx. 29 hours).
Plus a Saturday or Sunday lie-in perhaps?

Add it all up... Do you get 29 hours a week leisure time?

I know how petty this will sound, but I think it's minutia like this that can wear a relationship down.

Compare your 3 hours to his weekly 29 hours, then kick your guilt out of the door.

Original poster

NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 13:13

:o @ hullygully - can I have a black one with pink print?

@ 2babyblues - I sometimes think I've got it so good with him doing most of the housework, dinner, looking after DD, that I just need to suck it up and accept that me time is a thing of the past.

OP posts:

LarkinSky · 14/10/2010 13:17

Oh yes, and does your DD nap?

I'm currently a SAHM, and although I work bloody hard, when DD has her daily 2 hour nap, at least 3/4 of that time is mine. No housework, feet up, laptop on, reading the newspaper, emailing, or mumsnet of course!

Just reverse the situations: if your DH worked outside the house fulltime, would he feel so guilty he forgoe any entitlement to me-time until his children had left home?

Original poster

NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 13:18

LarkinSky, I hadn't thought of it like that, it does make my 3 hours seem quite trivial really.

Now looking forward to my spa, and can relax and enjoy it without feeling guilty.

Thanks so much everyone who has posted

OP posts:

gardeningmum05 · 14/10/2010 13:21

i would be more concerned at your MILs interference...nip it in the bud!!!

pithyslicker · 14/10/2010 13:21

Does he get 29 hours a week leisure time?
Sounds like spin to me I don't think you'd get away with that argument with a SAHM.

He shouldn't begrudge you having free time though.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 14/10/2010 13:24

Sounds to me like (a) people are interfering where they shouldn't be and (b) some people are perhaps having difficulty with the role reversal here (i.e. your DH being the SAHD instead of you - Although I may be making a ridiculous leap here).

However, you are not being unreasonable at all.

In all fairness you should both have the same amount of 'down time' each week/ month as you will both need something to keep you sane. Work time doesn't count as you are still being hassled/ having to take responsibility for things.

SOunds like DH gets 4 hours a week - what do you get? Do you get to go out for lunch or do something with your friends without DH and DD (or maybe go on date with DH)?

My response to this would be the following: when DH mentions something about 'quality time' I would simply and very calmly say -

'you seem to be saying that a lot lately/ be quite worried about my time with DD. Is there something you want to talk to me about?'

I might also be tempted to directly follow this up with something like 'has this got something to do with my plans on Saturday, becuase if you are unhappy about it isn't it best we talk about it?'

But then again I can be quite confrontational when I want to be, and don't have any qualms with it!!!

phipps · 14/10/2010 13:28

YANBU.

He gets 4 hours every weekend, you are asking for 4 hours as a regular thing.

DH works full time so he is either at work or doing stuff related to the house or kids, I get time free in the day and also he is happy for me to go off shopping at the weekend if I want.

You are not being selfish and your DP is being silly and a bit mean.

phipps · 14/10/2010 13:31

you are not asking for 4 hours as regular thing.

WreckOfTheHesperus · 14/10/2010 13:35

hmmm, but if the OP was asking for 4 hours as a regular thing, would it BU then?

DaftApeth · 14/10/2010 13:37

Does his 'boy time' hobby involve something with other guys? Are all these friends SAHD too? Or do they go to a job out of the home and still get to do their hobby at weekends?

If that is the case, does he have a problem with them not being at home all weekend? Or is it ok because they are blokes?

I agree that he should not be so easily swayed by his parents' opinions and he should stick up for you and value your role within the family and recognise that you still deserve a birthday treat!

sungirltan · 14/10/2010 13:41

yadnbu. enjoy the spa time and dont feel guilty

phipps · 14/10/2010 13:43

Not at all Wreck.

3thumbedwitch · 14/10/2010 13:45

YANBU. Have a lovely time for your birthday treat. :)

SeaTrek · 14/10/2010 13:49

No, YANBU, and I am really sad that you have been made to feel this way :(

I doubt whether your husband would have given up his 4 hr a week hobby if he were the main breadwinner and you were the SAHP.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 13:51

How many hours' time for leisure do you actually get in an ordinary week? Because most SAH MUMS don't get any - their male partners insist that they are the ones entitled to leisure because they have been 'working so hard all week'. It is not remotely unreasonable for you to take three hours for a treat on your birthday ffs!

Original poster

NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 13:58

I do think the role reversal thing makes it difficult, I do appreciate he is surrounded by women most of the time, and needs an outlet.

His hobby isn't a male only sport, I used to enjoy it with him pre DD, but it's not something we can do with her until she's older, and due to baby sitting issues going out together is really difficult. Most of the guys he goes out with work, but not all of them have children.

OP posts:

MidnightsChild · 14/10/2010 13:58

MidnightsChild · 14/10/2010 13:59

Oh & sorry, its already been said by others but ... YANBU

Original poster

NewbeeMummy · 14/10/2010 14:03

@ SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass - I don't get any (OK I do watch an hours telly before bed if that counts?), I know it sounds a bit pathetic, but I'm happy to have DD most of the weekend and in the evenings as I do miss spending the time with er when I'm at work.

I don't want DP to feel he cannot have any time to himself as I know how important his hobby is to him, it was a big part of his life before I came along, and I don't expect him to drop it.

OP posts:

GreenStinkingStumpSleeves · 14/10/2010 14:12

I would enjoy the spa, take as long as possible and forget all about home and work for a few hours

and tell your MIL to jog on

Appletrees · 14/10/2010 14:14

vile pil

WreckOfTheHesperus · 14/10/2010 14:16

agreed Phipps; but a lot of the responses seemed to be implying that it was ok as it was a one-off rather than a regular occurrence.

GeekOfTheWeek · 14/10/2010 14:27

Yanbu. Your dh is.

If he doesn't like it then ask if he would like to swap roles because, imo, he has got it easy.

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