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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to lose 2 days of our holiday

64 replies

roadkillbunny · 11/10/2010 09:50

We couldn't get away for more then a long weekend in the Summer due to DH not being able to get time off work so he booked off half term week so we could go and spend the week in our old city staying at my Mums.

All planned out, lots of plans to see people we haven't seen in years and lots of things to do with the children, we are all really exited and then DH says that he forgot he has a grading for his martial art on the Monday of that week and he wants to put off us going away until the Tuesday so he can do it, we are meant to be going on the Sunday after I finish work so my Mum doesn't have to leave keys with a neighbour (as she is still working that week) and so that we can have 6 full days of holiday.

If we do what he wants not only do we lose £25 from our very small budget for being away to pay for the grading we would also end up only having 4 full days of holiday.
I am really against this and upset that he is prioritising his own wants above the needs/wants of the family as a whole.

He feels IABU because he will not be able to do the grading for another 3 months if he doesn't do it now. I have suggested he finds out if he can do his grading at one of the other training locations but he doesn't seem interested in looking into this properly, we found out this time last week that he had forgotten about us being away and the date class, I told him then I didn't want to lose so much of our holiday but he just ignored me and said nothing to his leaders on either of his training days about not being able to make the grading and made no effort to see what could be done, I only found out he had failed to do this when he was talking about the grading and I said 'oh you sorted it out then' and he said 'yes we are going away on the Tuesday'.

He has training tonight and I asked him to speak to the leader and see what could be done and he just went into a sulk, said he could see if he could get a few extra days off so we could stay longer at my Mums until I reminded him that our dd needs to be back in school on the Monday, he then left for work pointedly not giving me a kiss goodbye and ignoring me when I wished him a good day and told him I love him.

So, who is being unreasonable, me or DH?

OP posts:
Galena · 11/10/2010 10:05

Could you not go with the children on Sunday and he come by public transport on the Tuesday?

Obviously for him the grading is a big thing, so I can understand his reluctance to postpone it. For you the holiday is a big thing and I can understand your reluctance to postpone that.

Maybe there's a way you can both be happy.

lucky1979 · 11/10/2010 10:09

Why don't you go on te Sunday and he can follow on Tuesday. He's behaving like a child.

upahill · 11/10/2010 10:16

I'm with you on this one - He is being unreasonable.
Most Martial Arts schools that I know do 'special' gradings for those that can't make the date, although obviously they would prefer every one to make the same date.

Is it a big deal if he has to wait 3 months until the next round of grading.

If it comes down to it where he is insisting he does the grading go without him.
There doesn't have to be a row or sulk just be matter of fact about it.

FluffyDonkey · 11/10/2010 10:16

What level grading is it?
Here, you can try for grades above black belt only twice a year, so I would be v pissed at missing the grading.

However, you said he could try again in 3 months, which suggests to me its a lower grading? A coloured belt? A bit frustrating for him, but not the end of the world.

And I agree that he is putting his wants ahead of the family. In the scheme of things, a delay of 3 months to be graded is not a big deal.

So, YANBU

ChaoticAngel · 11/10/2010 10:18

YANBU

What Upahill said.

bigchris · 11/10/2010 10:19

Yes you go on Sunday , he comes on Tuesday
pretty obvious really Grin

bigchris · 11/10/2010 10:19

Hope you're not one of those couples who can't be apart ever Grin

Original poster
roadkillbunny · 11/10/2010 10:36

Thanks for the input, it is a colour belt, can't remember what one, he is orange now.
We can't go up separately as at the moment I can't drive, we only have one car and can't afford the cost of train or coach to go on public transport (it is over 200 miles) on top of the fuel cost for driving so that option is sadly out.

I do think that the school will have options for those who can't make a grading for some reason, it must happen, for instance he has only been back training for 2 weeks after 3 weeks out with an injury, what if grading had come when he was injured? I think I am getting frustrated with him as he doesn't seem to want to find out, as I said, he has known for a week and has not said anything to the leaders!

I can understand why he is not wanting to wait 3 months to do the grading but what I feel he is failing to see it that it could be a year or more until we get to go on holiday again.

I would gladly go away on the Sunday and have him join us later if it was possible but as I said the only way would be for my and the two children (2 and 5) to get the coach or train and even if I did have the cash for that it would be a nightmare with the 2 year old.

Any ideas of ways I can explain to him why I feel the family holiday takes president and that I do understand where he is coming from?

OP posts:
tjacksonpfc · 11/10/2010 11:19

My Dcs both do taekwondo. We are fortunate in that we have a senior instructor taking our clasess so he does the gradings. If someone can't make the school grading they are able to apply to grade at another local school.

It may mean that your Dh can find another school to take his grading in so he doesnt have to wait 3 months for his schools next grading. HTH

Original poster
roadkillbunny · 11/10/2010 11:36

Taekwondo is what dh does and the school he is with have multiple training locations, they are all at journey as we are rural but this is what I have been trying to get him to do, he looked at the next closest but they had gradings last week, it seems he is digging his heals in, wont talk to the instructors or find out because he wants to do his grading at his normal place on that day, the rest of us be dammed.

I am hoping he has time to think on it today, may email him at work (can't phone due to the nature of his work) and try and get my points across again (or point him to this thread!) so hopefully he will go to training tonight and talk to his instructor and find out exactly what if anything can be done about him missing the grading.

I can't help but feel like saying to him that if it is just so important I will manage somehow on public transport and I will go just me and the kids, he can stay here on his lonesome, only problem with that is my family and our friends would be very upset not to see him and he might like a week off work home alone a little too much!

OP posts:
curlymama · 11/10/2010 11:41

I'm normally all for husbands getting to do their hobby, whatever it may be, but this is your only family holiday this year. It should be the priority, your dh is being selfish. If he wants to do it that badly then he may have to sacrifice something else so that you can afford the public transport. No way should the money come out of your family holiday budget.

upahill · 11/10/2010 11:43

I don't want to get all deep and heavy and reading things that are not there but is the importance of the grading the real issue here.
I mean most people I'm sure would recognize the family holiday as being important and be pissed if it clashed with another date in their personal diary BUT most people would be willing to look at ways around the situation and find a solution that is the most happy compromise.

In your case your DH is digging his heels in and refusing to do anything about alternatives. Why?
Is it the place he is going ( your mums) a sticking point.

It just seems odd behaviour. I know in the past when things have clashed we have sat down and worked stuff out, in fact we have had to compromise this half term and everyone is happy with what we have decided.

NordicPrincess · 11/10/2010 12:09

you call his leader and explain it isnt convenient and sort out a another date and time for the grading.

zandy · 11/10/2010 12:11

Our classes offer a private grading for five pounds (on top of the usual grading fee) to be done at a time convenient to the instructor. Worth him asking if his offer the same.
The grading is really just a group showcasing of what they have been learning.

Original poster
roadkillbunny · 11/10/2010 12:13

upahill I really don't know why this has become a sticking point, his training is important to him for many reasons (weight loss, getting in shape, a life outside work and home) and I support him in this all the way, he needs it and has needed it for some time and it is good for him, I do find myself resenting it at times, it costs money, quite a bit of it (for us) and this can make me feel a little envious at times, I don't have anything really that is just for me but I do have more friends then him and go for a night out from time to time so while it isn't quite even it is not totally one sided, I will get my chance in time I know but I think this is also effecting how annoyed I am about his unwillingness to either miss the grading or try and re arrange something, there may be an element of 'you honestly don't appreciate what you have' from me.

The actual holiday I know he has nothing against and is certainly not reluctant to go, he gets on well with my family, no issues about staying with my Mum (she will hardly be there through the week anyway due to work and it is a very big house) has been looking forward to seeing old friends, I think it is possible he doesn't realise how important it is to me to have a good break away, his parents and family live close to where we are now but although I have very good friends I am isolated from my family and also a bit from the world, we are in a very small village and with not driving right now it can go weeks and weeks without leaving the village for me, not sure he appreciates that.

It is clear I need to talk to him again tonight, rather then just saying 'It is the family holiday, we are not going to get away for another year' I should tell him the things I have just written, I thought our communication was okay but it clearly isn't.

OP posts:
Mumi · 11/10/2010 12:28

It may be different if it were to be your DCs grading, but your DH is not a child, however much he may sulk like one.

3 months is nothing when dan grades are several years apart.

YANBU!

fluffles · 11/10/2010 13:06

i am a martial arts instructor and obviously have been a student and i understand entirely how he feels. it is important to grade with your 'cohort' and he may have training partners etc. he particularly wants to grade with and who he will train less with in future if they grade and he doesn't.

BUT you shouldn't lose out on your holiday. i would say that he should take you to your mum's then drive back on monday afternoon for the grading and back to holiday on tuesday morning. i know that costs petrol money but it is really the only way you both get what you want..

i have to repeat, him being 'behind' a grade if he misses this grading will be evident in every training session he goes to and this could lead to building resentment for the next three months.

fluffles · 11/10/2010 13:20

should add.. i posted from a student's point of view.. as an instructor i would tell my students that it's not important (but i know they feel it is).

i missed a grading at the lower end of the belts (around orange/green) for an injury and right through to dan i was aware that i'd missed a grading at that time... you don't want your DH to always remember the grading "his wife wouldn't let him do" (now i'm speaking as a wife not an instructor or student).

upahill · 11/10/2010 13:24

Fluffles does your training centre do 'special' grading?

I know when I used to do a martial art we would have the grading on the Sunday and a big deal was made the following week in class to introduce the 'new' grades to the rest of the class and congratulate them. Of course there were times when people couldnt make that date due to work/ holiday/injury etc so at a convinent time the student and a higher grade would go to one side during a regular session with the students regular partner if desired and a grading would take place.

I cant see why that cant happen here. The sticking point seems so be roadkill's DH not even wanting to look at solutions rather than them not being available.

upahill · 11/10/2010 13:27

There's no reason why people should think 'the wife wouldn't let me do it' unless the DH tells people that. He could just say 'Bloody Hell that date clashes with our holiday, weve not been away yet. Is there any chance we can sort something out?'

But so far he is saying nothing.

Shodan · 11/10/2010 13:30

Second Mumi. At his level it is not as imperative that he makes this one. No need to grade with all his pals- in fact he'd probably benefit from waiting, given that he's just had an injury that needed a three week hiatus from training.

Morloth · 11/10/2010 13:37

Can't you go up on the Monday?

Why does it have to be Sunday or Tuesday? He does his grading and you all head off immediately after?

TKDDH · 11/10/2010 13:52

Thought I would chime in :)

Due to tendonitis I missed a large chunk of training (3/4 weeks if I recall), involving the pattern for my yellow belt, having made up time between lessons and individual one on-one times with higher belts so as not too slow down the class.

That said, holidays are important, I spend my life working 34 hours+ a week in a tech job, at home, or at TKD.

My wife (roadkillbunny) gets to see her family,and the kids get to grandma and other relatives, like she said i am spoilt as my parents live less than 10 miles away so can see them as much\little as we as a family\I want.

Waiting on feedback from my teacher to see if I can grade out of sync atm.

To clarify: yes, I am probably being selfish as I enjoy TKD, but at the same time need a holiday.

l8r

TKDDH · 11/10/2010 13:53

Morloth, I have no problems with that.

dinkystinky · 11/10/2010 13:57

Can he not drive you all on the Sunday and - if he really has to do the grading on the Monday - drive back himself (at his own expense!) to do the grading and drive up to your mums again on the Tuesday. Seems rather unfair that you and the kids have to miss out on 2 days of holiday time.