to not want to lose 2 days of our holiday

[roadkillbunny]

We couldn't get away for more then a long weekend in the Summer due to DH not being able to get time off work so he booked off half term week so we could go and spend the week in our old city staying at my Mums.

All planned out, lots of plans to see people we haven't seen in years and lots of things to do with the children, we are all really exited and then DH says that he forgot he has a grading for his martial art on the Monday of that week and he wants to put off us going away until the Tuesday so he can do it, we are meant to be going on the Sunday after I finish work so my Mum doesn't have to leave keys with a neighbour (as she is still working that week) and so that we can have 6 full days of holiday.

If we do what he wants not only do we lose £25 from our very small budget for being away to pay for the grading we would also end up only having 4 full days of holiday.
I am really against this and upset that he is prioritising his own wants above the needs/wants of the family as a whole.

He feels IABU because he will not be able to do the grading for another 3 months if he doesn't do it now. I have suggested he finds out if he can do his grading at one of the other training locations but he doesn't seem interested in looking into this properly, we found out this time last week that he had forgotten about us being away and the date class, I told him then I didn't want to lose so much of our holiday but he just ignored me and said nothing to his leaders on either of his training days about not being able to make the grading and made no effort to see what could be done, I only found out he had failed to do this when he was talking about the grading and I said 'oh you sorted it out then' and he said 'yes we are going away on the Tuesday'.

He has training tonight and I asked him to speak to the leader and see what could be done and he just went into a sulk, said he could see if he could get a few extra days off so we could stay longer at my Mums until I reminded him that our dd needs to be back in school on the Monday, he then left for work pointedly not giving me a kiss goodbye and ignoring me when I wished him a good day and told him I love him.

So, who is being unreasonable, me or DH?

not spoiling for a fight or playing any games (except for the acronyms and i apologised for that), just trying to put across my point of view across as well.

understood, and thank you.

Katey1010 fair enough..

in case it hasnt been discussed enough..

I apologise
I am\was wrong
I accept all present\past\future misgivings
I will wait three months
I will put my family first

Good for you!

For Gods sake, arghhhhh!

It is the same old same old bloody lip service, getting sick of it I really really am, having had a very stressful couple of months myself as you well know and having seen one friends marriage implode and another one on serious rocks my level of putting up is really not as high as it has been.

I really didn't think this was such a big of a deal, looks like upahill was bang on the money, more fool me.

Can I have an AIBU within and AIBU?

Is my level of annoyance with TKDDH unreasonable?

TKDDH YADBU especially about a bloody cake

RKB YADNBU

I can't remember the last time I had a birthday cake! If someone made me one, even if it was foul, I would be delighted they had thought of me.

I spent most of my last birthday in a and e with my ds, leaving dh, dd and lots of my friends at the pub, still partying. Once you become a parent, life stops revolving around you and it becomes one big compromise.

You sound like a real charmer and quite immature to be honest.

So.

We had a no more then needed words to each other in the half hour he was home between finishing work and going to training due to the kids being up.

45 minuets after leaving for training while I was reading the kids bedtime story he walks back through the door.

On the main A road driving to training he got stuck in traffic in the aftermath of a fatal road accident, he saw a woman die. As soon as the traffic moved far enough for him to find a route home he came home, would have been hard for him to make his class but more he wanted to be home with us, a big dose of the what if's and could be's to remind him what his family means to him.

Prior to this it was the normal lip service, hard to understand from lines of type when you don't know him but his previous 'I was wrong' etc etc come with a tone I know all to well hence my response (and the line 'I accept all present\past\future misgivings' give a hint to that). The difference on his return was genuine, he has been given the worse shock and realisation he could have had, tonight one woman will not return home to her family, it hit home.

As he didn't make it to class we still don't know if there are any other options but waiting 3 months to do the grading but the events of this evening have put that into perspective.

I'm glad he has come to realise there is more to life than martial arts. I agree, what a tragic way to come to that realisation

Thoughts with the family.

Enjoy your precious time with your family

I'm glad your DH has gained some perspective RKB, but that poor woman and her family - my heart goes out to them. Lets hope your DH continues to appreciate his family for a long time to come...

I am reviving this zombie thread of mine from 9 years ago (Christ!), posted by me on my old account, to let anyone who is dealing with a Man like this that you need to listen to what he is telling you about the kind of person he is.
I would have loved to say that the tragic accident he witness changed him and from that point he realised the importance of his family but let’s get real here, people like this don’t just change everything about themselves after one dose of the ‘what ifs’ after witnessing a truly tragic event.
This man never changed, if anything he got worse. His self centred behaviour, his selfishness, his disregard for the feelings of his wife and more importantly children. All the terrible behaviour he displayed in this thread. It not only didn’t change, it got worse.
He is a compulsive lier who it seems I never truly knew, it is impossible to separate the lies from the truth in his ‘life story’
5 years ago the marriage ended after the lies got worse and worse, some pointless, unimportant truly baffling things t9 lie about up to the massively important things (although he never had an affair), things that put his family at risk of ending up evicted and homeless because he would rather buy himself a games console than pay rent and proceed to concoct lie upon lie to try and justify himself. His apologies were empty and meaningless as when you say sorry for something and do it again within days that apology means absolutely nothing, worse, it makes you feel worthless and unimportant, makes you feel like you don’t matter, like his kids don’t matter...
I have realised that he had a Been telling me for a long time the person he was but I was so desperate to make my family work that I glossed over it for far, far too long.
It’s been 5 years, my children are no long toddlers but 11 and 14, wonderful young people that have had to go through things no child should in dealing with their Fathers behaviour and for my daughter, rejection by him in favour of her brother. They have also had to deal with my failing health, disability and needing to help care for me.
The children are doing well, im doing so much better without having to deal with him, a spoiled, entitled man child incapable of prioritising he children over himself, 5 years and he still hasn’t got accommodation that would allow him to have the children overnight, he still has them at his parents home Relaying on his mother to care for the children (and that has its own set of problems) and has recently cut his contact in half because, to quote him over the years ‘I want to be able to have a fresh start and move on, I want more time for myself, my girlfriend and her child without having the children’ he freely admits these days that he is selfish almost like he is proud of that fact.
I hope people don’t mind me getting this zombie out but I found a link to it while clearing out my notes app and I just want to hopefully let somebody who may be dealing with a man like this know that it’s not okay, don’t be fulled by these empty apologies that change nothing in their behaviour. It was 4 long years of all this and much worse then he showed here before I managed to accept who he had been telling me he was for so long and get me and my children out, if I can help even one person it’s worth flack for a zombie thread.
If you have read all this, thank you for your time.
If you recognise your own relationship in this thread I hope my story can help you make the tough decisions.

(Just to note, my ExH no longer has this account active, he hasn’t used the attached email for a very long time, he isn’t going to show up, although it might be interesting if he did! I’m not about to make the mistake of pointing him in the direction of this thread again! That was such a big mistake and then allowing myself to be drawn into a public argument, sigh never said I was perfect.

I'm sorry, JenJenWheels. I hadn't noticed the date and read through the whole thread. When we got to the road accident, I thought, well I'm glad if he's had a revelation, but he still sounds like a petulant dick. Clearly he is.

Usually I hate resurrected threads but in this case I am pleased to see the outcome.

Whatever the burdens you now have at least you can see they are lighter without him.

For goodness sake! Martial arts grading usually come around every 3 months - he can wait.