to not want to lose 2 days of our holiday

[roadkillbunny]

We couldn't get away for more then a long weekend in the Summer due to DH not being able to get time off work so he booked off half term week so we could go and spend the week in our old city staying at my Mums.

All planned out, lots of plans to see people we haven't seen in years and lots of things to do with the children, we are all really exited and then DH says that he forgot he has a grading for his martial art on the Monday of that week and he wants to put off us going away until the Tuesday so he can do it, we are meant to be going on the Sunday after I finish work so my Mum doesn't have to leave keys with a neighbour (as she is still working that week) and so that we can have 6 full days of holiday.

If we do what he wants not only do we lose £25 from our very small budget for being away to pay for the grading we would also end up only having 4 full days of holiday.
I am really against this and upset that he is prioritising his own wants above the needs/wants of the family as a whole.

He feels IABU because he will not be able to do the grading for another 3 months if he doesn't do it now. I have suggested he finds out if he can do his grading at one of the other training locations but he doesn't seem interested in looking into this properly, we found out this time last week that he had forgotten about us being away and the date class, I told him then I didn't want to lose so much of our holiday but he just ignored me and said nothing to his leaders on either of his training days about not being able to make the grading and made no effort to see what could be done, I only found out he had failed to do this when he was talking about the grading and I said 'oh you sorted it out then' and he said 'yes we are going away on the Tuesday'.

He has training tonight and I asked him to speak to the leader and see what could be done and he just went into a sulk, said he could see if he could get a few extra days off so we could stay longer at my Mums until I reminded him that our dd needs to be back in school on the Monday, he then left for work pointedly not giving me a kiss goodbye and ignoring me when I wished him a good day and told him I love him.

So, who is being unreasonable, me or DH?

YANBU

#dinkystinky

• 4 hour trip each way, please refer to page 1

:)

TKDDH welcome to Mumsnet dh! I am not calling you selfish for enjoying TKD, you know I know what it means to you, my 'problem' as such was/is with the fact you until now had failed to/refused to look at any options seriously, you have known for over a week about the clash, done your normal training days yet failed to even talk to your instructor about the problem, I know you have worked hard to catch up, not disputing the importance this has for you, I am upset that you put that personal importance and desire above the family unit as a whole. The rest of this discussion needs to happen between us privately later this evening.

The idea of going up right after the grading while looks like an idea on paper would in reality be very tough, it would be 9pm before we could even get out the door and then a four hour (ish) drive, TKDDH you know our children well enough, how do you think that would really work out? How would we even get into Mums house arriving at around 1am, wake Mum up to let us in 4 hours before she has to get up to go to work, wake up her neighbour and her 5 year old at that time in the morning? Go round to my brothers, you never know they may be up with the baby at that time?

sigh I really really hope that you find that something can be sorted out tonight, you just don't know until you talk about it and ask, if you had done so a week ago it is highly unlikely this issue would be here now.

Thank you all for the input all and the different points of view are helpful, we will get this hashed out one way or anther so that everyone is while maybe not happy is able to make the best of and enjoy spending a week (or maybe less) together as a family having some fun away for the normal daily slog.

TKDDH - imho, your family holiday should take priority in this situation. It sounds as though it was your error on the first place.

You can do your grading another time, you can't get back valuable family time - especially once the dcs have started school.

I'm not sure how comfortable I would be if my dh suddenly appeared on a thread I had started

Yes - 4 hour trip each way. You are the only one that benefits from doing the grading on the Monday - they dont. In similar situations, I have done the same (take entire family down on a 5 hour trip on the Sunday, drive back in the early hours of Monday morning to attend work meeting I couldnt get out of and drive back to join family on holiday on the Tuesday) - its a lot of driving but I didnt think anyone else should suffer, only me

I pointed him to it to try and make my point so really can't complain that he wanted the chance to have his say. I think I would if the boot was on the other foot.

''I pointed him to it to try and make my point so really can't complain that he wanted the chance to have his say. I think I would if the boot was on the other foot''

Fair enough op and your dh. Glad you 'knew he was here'

yanbu.

he needs to sort out another date at another location.

as per roadkillbunny post, will discuss privately, once feedback from all parties have been received.

INMT I will get back to paid work.
l8r h8rz

TKDDH, yabu just for using text speak!!

I second Mumi.

Maybe patience is what your Dh needs to learn. Martial arts aren't just about the physical body, and jumping through hoops, like a show pony.

Your Dh sustained an injury, maybe he should wait until his body is healed before he takes his grade.

This wait cold be quite an event for him spiritually - why is he resisting it? Does he feel inadequate? Why was he injured - was he pushing himself beyond his body's capabilities? Why this push to grade now when there are obvious RL reasons not to grade now.

Show him this thread by all means..

The most important thing your Dh may need to learn this grade is how to be patient with himself, and to respect the greater life he has.
Think Yoda!!

I think TKDDD has used text speak because he knows how much I hate it, how I will send 5 texts rather then used text speak to shorten. Either he has lost his mind or it is a little thing to try and p me off!

zazen put it perfectly.

Martial arts are not supposed to be galloped through, measuring progress solely by the colour of your belt.

Maybe we could all club together and buy you dh some vowels for christmas RKB

I also think zazan makes a very valid point, I did question if after having time off for injury it is the right time to be looking at grading, but what do I know, I don't know the details I don't go to the classes, I think the fact that DH used to do a couple of other martial arts (I can't remember which ones) when he was younger is a factor, also he enjoys it so much he is very keen to get on however I wish he would think about the reason he had to give up 10+ years ago was injury, I don't want history to repeat for his own sake.

I think the problem now is I feel humoured, kind of 'yes dear anything you say dear' and really he is not acknowledging the reasons why I feel he is BU, maybe I have to let that go, having this problem would probably always involve an element of that. I just want to get this sorted so we can go on holiday as a family and have a nice time :(

Thanks for making me smile like a loon DaftApeth

Honestly don't know what the text speak is about, if it wasn't for knowing too many details I could swear the TKDDH is not my husband!

Shodan\zazen - agreed, the belt is in an indication of the journey, for the record, if i have to wait three months i accept that, sure i wont like it i'll confess .. but thats how it goes.

Apologies to all for being grouchy ... I've had a lousy month, a crap birthday cake, and spent my 'birthday money' buying car tax and groceries, spent my year signing numerous birthday cards for all my other colleagues and nobody could bother to buy me one ?

Yes, it nice and thoughtful somebody took the time to make me a cake - I appreciate the sentiment I do, doesn't make me want to eat sponge cake tho :)

TKD is my outlet, where only one person asks me to do something, where I dont have rude customers to speak to and deal with and i get to relax, learning something that enables me to protect my family and myself, keeping fit and keep my inner calm

If I didnt care for my family, I'd shout at my wife to wake up with them at 6.30am as i want a lay-in before work - I don't, I get that its thats my job and role as a parent, a dad.

and for the record: Star Wars is overrated.

/dropthehate

exactly BrightLightBrightLight:

"Shodan\zazen - agreed, the belt is in an indication of the journey, for the record, if i have to wait three months i accept that, sure i wont like it i'll confess .. but thats how it goes."

DaftApeth if you could add them to a fruit cake (oh the fun you can have) rather than a sponge cake, followed by lots of humble pie that would be nice.

If you could also find your way to leave a message for father christmas and tell him I would like my holiday entitlement back for this year and to win the lottery that would be quite sublime (no not the ska band !!)

I would advise against a who has it harder debate TKDDH, that kind of thing never ends well and just makes everybody miserable, I think you know I don't have to say a word on that one for you to see that.

One think I really can't help but say is that 'crap' birthday cake was made for you by my best friend who chose to do it for you to do something nice, sorry she couldn't manage the fruit cake to satisfy your lovely sense of entitlement, she was probably a bit busy what with her 6 month old twins and post natal depression.

To ask somebody what they would like, receive an answer, then ignore it whats the point ?

Would you like me to get you a mince pie, a: no, thank you, here you go one mince pie, oh thanks.

Yes, I'll avoid the post natal depression, however its good to see she has stopped being so stubborn to seek help on this issue .

Again, if shes busy - whats the point ?

Spend £3 in a supermarket getting a fruit cake base, and say I was rushed off my feet and couldnt get any time to do the icing etc lol ... a classic fob, and who can argue that one :D

You are clearly just after a fight and to stir the water, I refuse to get drawn into this game you are playing, this ends. I pointed you to this thread to try and get you to see where I was coming from on a certain point, I didn't mind you popping up on the tread in relation to that issue, everyone has a right to get there point across but now I am really getting annoyed, coming on and spoiling for a fight is a whole different matter.

I am saying enough of it now, I would like to say I will speak to you about it when you get home but you will be going out again after 40 mins to training and it will be close to nine before I see you again, and yes, I have washed your uniform.

I'm not touching the cake-gate domestic but my DH (black-belt and TKD instructor) says, "his mistake, his problem". He takes a hard line!