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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with this MIL situation

84 replies

LoveRedShoes · 10/10/2010 22:06

What should I do?
MIL is generally lovely, though we have fairly opposite personalities, I do my 'best' to get on with her.
We have been out of the country working for a while, and stayed at the PIL house last year for a fortnight. We were invited to leave our excess clothing, to pick up on our next return as we were struggling to fit everything in our suitcases. I left several items of clothes, one of which I had loaned to her when she was caught without - don't want to say what item it was, as family members may well be reading! She commented on how lovely it was at the time.
Fast forward six months and we retuned to visit and pick up our few belongings. I had forgotten exactly what I had left, as it had been some time.
Due to weather, I needed to loan something, and she presented my item to me, saying I could borrow it Shock. I did a double take, then realized it was my lovely item, old make up stain in place, zipper tag pulled off as I remembered.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, she clearly thought it was hers. She even removed it from the bedroom in case 'I packed her x by mistake'.
As I was going I mentioned that I thought the X was mine, to hear 'oh no, I bought this at X on holiday. Look, I even have the X and my things are in the pocket' (like, yes, because you've clearly been wearing it form the last few weeks).
Soooooo...... What do I do? I'm really pissed off as this item cost me a lot of money, and was kind of special, in that at the time I had saved up for it.
I don't think she is doing it maliciously, she is just old and mistaken. However, she has clearly taken a firm shine to it and refuses to see she has made a mistake.
If I make a fuss, I look unkind, but at the same time ....it's MINE MINE MINE! I love it and want it back!!!!
It will cost me a lot of money to replace it as it was very expensive.
Do I just leave it and be graceful (while biting my tongue so hard it bleeds) or take issue? What is reasonable/ unreasonable?

OP posts:
Careybliss · 11/10/2010 08:16

I would probably take the high ground and say "well if it's THAT important that you want to keep my x then you can have it because I'm not the sort to make a fuss about it" and then don't help out financially in the future.

diddl · 11/10/2010 08:48

Why should she get away with theft just because she´s old?

Tell her that since she has obviously lost the one you left there when you went abroad, you will take "hers" as a replacement.

melikalikimaka · 11/10/2010 08:55

Forget it, you forgot it was there, so it couldn't be the most uppermost item in your mind. Would you rather she charged two weeks bed and board?

lucy101 · 11/10/2010 09:00

Because she removed it from the bedroom so you wouldn't pack it I think she knows (even if very deep down) it is yours... but maybe she wants it so much she has either a) convinced herself it is hers or b) she is manipulating you. The fact that she lets you help her financially is basically the same thing: she is used to taking what is yours and doesn't allow herself to think or doesn't care about the consequence to you.

I think you either steal it back or, with DH's support, confront her. I think you need to address the financial support too... otherwise I think you are going to get more and more resentful and ultimately end up having a huge row anyway.

CrazyPlateLady · 11/10/2010 09:07

Its your thing, not hers. You know you are in the right. She knows she isn't by coming out with crap like "oh look, my things are in the pocket" and taking it just in case you forget and pack it.

Take it without her knowing and if she brings it up, say you know its yours as you spent ages saving for it and you lent it to her when she really needed something and be firm about it. If your DH has said something too, he clearly knows that you are in the right too.

Why the hell should you just let it go? Its your item that you had to save for, not hers! I think she is being crafty and knows exactly what she is doing.

DiscoSquish · 11/10/2010 09:11

If she can afford to dress in the latest Boden or Laura Ashley then IMO she doesn't NEED your financial aid. I'd stop that right now.

And then I would liberate the X. X is yours, not hers. She sounds like my granny, very sweet, very kind, very very manipulative in the nicest possible way. She gets her own way all the time by turning on the waterworks and It Drives Me Mad.

Possibly I am slighly biased by that. But X is yours. Go set your X free Grin

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/10/2010 09:13

She is either losing her memory or she is lying to you.

Not sure which one is better Hmm

I would take it back. She can't keep an eye on it all the time. When she is out of the room I would just take it and leave with it. Don't be sneaky - you don't need to be - it is yours. Is she going to fight you for it? Being old doesn't mean that she can just steal your things!

YunoYurbubson · 11/10/2010 09:24

£350?

I HAVE to know what it is.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/10/2010 09:35

It must be a coat!

She needed it because it was cold. Unless it's some sort of dodo scarf

pressyourthumbs · 11/10/2010 09:41

Memory is a funny thing though. I have stood with DH and he has been utterly confident he did something while I'm absolutely sure I did it. She probably really believes it is hers now.

I say let it go, but don't offer them as much support financially in future. Of course you will end up resenting them if your frugality just allows them to live beyond their means.

And buy yourself something nice with half the budget for her Christmas present!

JockTamsonsBairns · 11/10/2010 09:46

I have to know what it is too Grin

I'm wondering how you and your MIL can possibly share the same taste in fashion attire when it comes to garments worth £350?

Also, the garment would have been the first item to go in my suitcase - not the thing I left behind for six months, as I couldn't fit it in the case. Just me of course, not meaning to be contentious.

CrazyPlateLady · 11/10/2010 09:49

Unless it was a coat and they were somewhere hot so it wasn't needed. Wink

JockTamsonsBairns · 11/10/2010 09:53

Fair point - that's most likely come to think of it.

pongonperdy · 11/10/2010 09:58

Ask her what happened to you x that you left there in their care. Tell her you left your x in the bedroom and it is now missing. Perhaps they can reimburse you for loosing your x. That may jog her memory.

RiverOfSleep · 11/10/2010 10:05

Maybe she is getting dementia. My nan was a bit odd for a couple of years before we really knew it was definately dementia.

I would let it go - get another x and then reclaim this one when her memory has finally gone.

My nan doesn't know her own family now let alone her own clothes.

MaudOHara · 11/10/2010 10:06

YANBU for being annoyed but like others have said the fallout of making the point and getting your item back would be huge.

So either give in and buy another with the money you save not subsidising them or steal it back seem to be your only options

pressyourthumbs · 11/10/2010 10:41

Actually, next time you are visiting, take it into the garden, wee on it and set fire to it. Shout "Now nobody can have it!" and burst into tears.

Then everyone will pussyfoot around you instead of around her in the future. You may even be able to take some of her nice Boden at the same time without anyone daring to complain about it.
:)

MaudOHara · 11/10/2010 11:20

Pressyourthumbs fantastic idea

thx1138 · 11/10/2010 11:40

I had a very similar situation with my sister. In the end I just popped the item in my bag (it was small) and denied all knowledge when, a few days later, she complained that she couldn't find it. I felt much better.

Original poster
LoveRedShoes · 11/10/2010 11:55

Crazyplatelady is correct Wink
The (un)funny thing is that as I was leaving and getting DCs into the car, she came running out of the house holding my brand new Burberry Mac shouting 'ooh, don't forget this, will you? It's lovely!'.
You have never seen me run so fast....and snatched it a little too violently from her sticky paws.
Someone here hit on a good point with their Nan, in that the MIL manipulates with absolute lovely jubbly kindness, sweetness and light. That is why I would look like a bitch if I argue with her as I would a friend who had done this.
I'll maybe leave it a few weeks, then don a balaclava.

OP posts:
TandB · 11/10/2010 14:06

This would drive me absolutely insane every time I saw it. You have reminded me of something similar that happened to me at university. A girl in the same sports club as me kept swiping some of my kit and then wearing it in front of me and claiming it was hers. She took at least 4 items, 2 of which she could not, under any circumstances, have owned herself as they were national team issue for Scotland - she had never lived, studied or done anything else that would have allowed her to represent Scotland.
Despite a screaming row in front of the rest of the club, all of whom agreed with me that she was clearly stealing my stuff and told her to give it back, she maintained that it belonged to her. Short of calling the police there wasn't much I could do!

alicet · 11/10/2010 14:18

kungfupannda I would have called the police

SeaTrek · 11/10/2010 14:24

YANBU but I think you should let it go. It doesn't sound like it is the lovely item you left with her (because she has worn it to death for the last six months!) anyway. She will probably have a moment where she realises she was wrong in a few weeks (I dare say she won't admit it though). Sometimes the prize just isn't worth the argument (I had to bite my lip this morning thinking the same thing). You know you are right, your DH knows you are right and you now know not to lend her anything or leave anything at her house again.

cornflowers · 11/10/2010 14:26

I wouldn't stand for this. In fact, I'd repossess the item at the next possible opportunity. It sounds to me as though she knows exactly what she's doing.

pleasechange · 11/10/2010 14:29

I agree it sounds like she knows what she is doing. It really is stealing imo. She has stolen something from you, and by the sounds of this it will annoy you until you do something about it. I'd do as others have suggested, take it back and deny all knowledge

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