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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with this MIL situation

84 replies

LoveRedShoes · 10/10/2010 22:06

What should I do?
MIL is generally lovely, though we have fairly opposite personalities, I do my 'best' to get on with her.
We have been out of the country working for a while, and stayed at the PIL house last year for a fortnight. We were invited to leave our excess clothing, to pick up on our next return as we were struggling to fit everything in our suitcases. I left several items of clothes, one of which I had loaned to her when she was caught without - don't want to say what item it was, as family members may well be reading! She commented on how lovely it was at the time.
Fast forward six months and we retuned to visit and pick up our few belongings. I had forgotten exactly what I had left, as it had been some time.
Due to weather, I needed to loan something, and she presented my item to me, saying I could borrow it Shock. I did a double take, then realized it was my lovely item, old make up stain in place, zipper tag pulled off as I remembered.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, she clearly thought it was hers. She even removed it from the bedroom in case 'I packed her x by mistake'.
As I was going I mentioned that I thought the X was mine, to hear 'oh no, I bought this at X on holiday. Look, I even have the X and my things are in the pocket' (like, yes, because you've clearly been wearing it form the last few weeks).
Soooooo...... What do I do? I'm really pissed off as this item cost me a lot of money, and was kind of special, in that at the time I had saved up for it.
I don't think she is doing it maliciously, she is just old and mistaken. However, she has clearly taken a firm shine to it and refuses to see she has made a mistake.
If I make a fuss, I look unkind, but at the same time ....it's MINE MINE MINE! I love it and want it back!!!!
It will cost me a lot of money to replace it as it was very expensive.
Do I just leave it and be graceful (while biting my tongue so hard it bleeds) or take issue? What is reasonable/ unreasonable?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/10/2010 22:42

I think you should stop helping them out financially - your PIL are not your responsibility and you are feeling resentful, which is not good for the long term relationship between you all.

If your DH remembers you wearing this outfit then he needs to insist that it is yours and you want it back. Know that this will cause ructions though, so only do it if you really want it back. I think if you stop bailing them out financially, you will feel a bit better about the loss of this item.

Finally, don't ever leave anything at your Ils again.

Just a thought, but do you think she is starting to go a bit senile? If so, then handle a lot more diplomatically and let her keep the dress.

hellymelly · 10/10/2010 22:43

Gosh that is very tricky.I would be tempted to filch it back at some point and then deny all,but I see that might be difficult.I left my favourite cookery book in DH's Grandmother's house,as I was baking her a cake,and MIL took it and has ignored all my heavy hints that it is in fact my book,and brings recipes round from it when she visits.Grrrr.I have decided to take the high ground and just buy another one,but then it is £20,not a really expensive item like yours.How old is she? Is she generally forgetful,or is this an "accidentally on purpose" thing?

loubielou31 · 10/10/2010 22:43

Or I would let it drop for now and then exactly as you're leaving, pick up the coat say "this is mine and I'm taking it with me" if she's confused then she'll forget and if she's pulling a fast one then she'll have been caught out.

zipzap · 10/10/2010 22:48

Could you ask her what, in that case, she has done with the one in perfect condition that you left behind and that she had borrowed when she got caught without... definitely talk about that time that she borrowed it for the first time when you were kind enough to lend it when it was needed.

Don't suppose you have the receipt for it - or even a credit card statement with a payment for it on it or any other sort of proof?

Or does she or you have a photo of her at the time she borrowed it from you the first time so that you can

Can you talk to your fil or even better get your dh to (or any other family members that can help) - and say that you are really worried about your mil because of this situation, that it might be the start of something more serious tham simple old age forgetfulness, and that you are very upset to have lost something that that was both special and cost a lot that you are unable to replace. Any way that you can get them to say they remember you with it on or lending it or that she took it away with her on holiday so didn't buy it out there... anything to screw up her claim to it!

In fact - what does your dh think about this all?

I don't think you should simply lie down and give in to this - she isn't, she is relying on you doing the right thing while she doesn't so that she gets to keep something that isn't hers.

Hopefully you haven't left anything there this time - or if you have had to, have left a documented list behind and kept a copy of everything along with a photo of everything (joys of digital cameras making it so easy to snap lots of pictures for virtually nothing other than the time it takes to take them).

hope you do get it back without causing a massive family upset but remember that she is conveniently happy enough to upset you!

nemofish · 10/10/2010 22:49

My dsd's mother filched a big jumper of mine. Dsd arrived at ours on Christmas day, wearing it (in all innocence, I believe). If I could turn back time now I would not say 'What are you doing with my jumper?' as a greeting to dsd on Christmas Day. She looked confused and thought it was her mums and I was being mean / mad, and I looked like a bitter, grabby twat. No, make that a bitter, grabby Christmas twat. Sad

Chalk it up to experience, don't let her get her grubby (grabby?!) mitts on your stuff again, and move on. You are quite entitled to scowl a bit as you shuffle off. Grin

olderandwider · 10/10/2010 22:50

I think you must be firm but say as tactfully as possible that you are 100 per cent sure x is yours. Don't apologise (it is yours!) just say very sweetly that is is most certainly yours, you remember leaving it when you went away and that the make-up stain is one you made earlier.

(Do your DC remember you wearing it? Not that I think you should get them to testify. But perhaps they could say innocently - oh look, there's your coat, mummy).

I don't actually think you should feel bad about reclaiming it. She's had six months use of it, time to let it go back to the rightful owner!

olderandwider · 10/10/2010 22:52

Sorry, said coat, not x - no idea what x actually is, of course.

zipzap · 10/10/2010 22:52

oops, cross posted with some of these.

Also - if there is a next time and she tries the 'it has my things in the pockets' remember to counter with 'and I'll bet it has my make up stain from xxx and the zipper gone which went yyy before you first borrowed it from me' and see what she says to that...

alicet · 10/10/2010 22:58

If at all possible I would just plain and simple nick it back and then not wear it again in her company. Go on, do it now and lock it in tour car or something! If she asks deny all knowledge.

Not the most adult way to deal with this granted but this would p*ss me off A LOT too. And it is yours - its not as if you are stealing!

onceamai · 10/10/2010 23:02

YANBU but even if you take it back - are you going to be happy wearing it? Is it worth it at the end of the day? She will end up upset and you will probably never be that comfortable wearing it again.

hellymelly · 10/10/2010 23:11

Having thought about it I do think that I would pinch it back on a future occasion,as either she is going senile,in which case she will forget all about it,or she knows it is yours,in which case she deserves to have it pinched back! Although taking something off a senile old lady sounds a bit shabby now I've written it down....

alicet · 10/10/2010 23:16

No hellymelly I would do exactly the same!

Original poster
LoveRedShoes · 10/10/2010 23:21

Thanks guys, I feel so much better being able to talk about this and get out the pent up anger Smile
DH was a star and did point out all of the things I've said, and also asked (without being prompted) what she may have done with the item I had left that was exactly the same, if she was right, and had bought this one herself. She just repeated the same things she had told me, said she hadn't seem mine, and stood firm. He has said it is annoying, but just to forget it and buy something else. I kind of agree with him, as I don't want to cause ructions - how bad will I look upsetting an elderly MIL - but I am so fed up with her.
I don't want to be 'passive aggressive' by dropping contact, but I don't want to cause a family fall-out either.
dH did suggest liberating it at some point in the future, but I think as she has taken a clear like to it, no matter what, she will probably check every day that it is there.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I just know she will stipulate that she is to be buried in it too, just to piss me off for eternity Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveRedShoes · 10/10/2010 23:24

Hellymelly Grin I like how you think!

OP posts:
fanjolina · 10/10/2010 23:57

"it is quite a specific thing"

  • is it a gimp costume? Grin
onmyfeet · 11/10/2010 00:35

I would leave it. My fil thought a t-shirt I showed him, of mine, was being given to him. Now this may be because it was a large size (a band t-shirt that I had ordered on-line in a size larger than I wear, in case it shrunk in the wash). I thought he was just joking around with me saying "Is this for me onmyfeet?" as he is always joking and is hard to tell the difference most of the time.Confused

It was on Christmas day and I would have wrapped it if it were a present, Grin. Anyways, I searched for ages for it, not realizing he took it home with his other presents, and one day chatting to MIL, she mentioned how FIL just loves that t-shirt I gave him and wore it all the time. He usually wears conservative clothing, so that was kind of strange, so I thought he liked it because it was from me. Awww.Blush
Anyways, I ordered a new one for myself. GrinThat is probably what I'd do if I were you.

ZacharyQuack · 11/10/2010 01:54

onmyfeet I hope you and FIL will wear your matching t-shirts the next time you see each other Smile

OP, I would probably either :

a) leave the item with MIL and reduce the amount of financial aid you give them because you have to buy a replacement item for yourself, or

b) swipe it and exchange it with a similar but lesser copy "Oh no MIL, this lovely polyester one is yours"

echt · 11/10/2010 01:56

fanjolina you are a one! :o

jacksmomma · 11/10/2010 02:39

has she had an affluent lifestyle until now? she may feel ressentful at a change in lifestyle and resentful of the fact she needs financial help, she may envy you having beautiful things (which i know is no reason to steal your stuff ) instead of helping financially couldnt you or you dh show them ways to have a nice lifestyle on a budget giving them their independance back?

i think in this case you should let her keep the x but your dh should buy you a new one for keeping the peace just this once ,but in future be v careful about what you leave ,

YunoYurbubson · 11/10/2010 05:49

I BET I know what happened. I think MiL bought herself something similar. Didn't she say she bought it on holiday? Pretty easy to leave it in the hotel room or lose it on the way home. She gets home, looks for her new thing, thinks she's going mad when she can't find it (we've all done that), finds your similar one and truly believes that it is the one she bought (and doesn't know she lost) on holiday.

LtEveDallas · 11/10/2010 06:44

Oh God, it's not one of those lamb foetus coats is it? Is that why you are calling it X? Smile

5DollarShake · 11/10/2010 07:34

She says she bought it on holiday. Which holiday? Inside or outside the UK? Is the shop a UK shop, in which case she couldn't have bought it anywhere else? This could be one way to catch her out.

Otherwise, I would just say to her that the top IS yours - because of the make up stain and the zip - but she obviously really, really wants it so you hope she gets as much enjoyment out of wearing it that you always did.

And if that doesn't guilt her into giving it back, then nothing will. Plus, if she wears it in front of you, you should definitely comment. [/petty]

Original poster
LoveRedShoes · 11/10/2010 07:39

Ltevedallas and fangolina, sorry - both incorrect Grin
ZacQuack I like your idea of replacing it with a cheaper version.
I wouldn't say she had a particularly affluent lifestyle, but regardless of that, used to buy what she fancied anyway. I don't begrudge that, as I am fond of clothes myself, but I do mind it when I was at home with the DCs without income, we had to scale back a lot whilst also supporting them a bit. Every time we met she would be in the latest boden or Laura Ashley, and I would be in my four year old shoes and jeans.
I suppose I am also angry because taking my nice X is an extension of at behavior. I am also angry because you can't object loudly to an elderly lady and look like a decent nice person.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveRedShoes · 11/10/2010 07:45

5dollarshake, I had pointed out at the time that this x cost around £350, and she must have been splashing out HAD she bought it on holiday. She countered that 'she bought it in the sale- truly, truly I did!'.
One hand she may be showing the first signs of senility, on the other, would she be able to hold a discussion like this with her wits about her?

OP posts:
Tokyotwist · 11/10/2010 07:51

Let it go. Save up with loans you would have given PIL, buy a new one and then flaunt it in front of MIL making sure to point out stain on her your old one.

Seriously, just let it go.

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