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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Siblings party ettiqute

71 replies

tjacksonpfc · 09/10/2010 20:43

Aibu to think that if one of your dcs get invited to a school friends birthday party, you dont naturally assume it inccludeds there siblings aswell.

There is a group of us at the school today who are all good friends as are our dcs, they are all in the same class apart from my dd who is older.

There was a party today that all the dcs were invited to including my older dd.

However there are a few parents who come in drop all the dcs off even if only one of them is invited and leave before anyone has a chance to say anything. Am i wrong in thinking this is totaly unreasonable.

My ds is having his birthday in a play centre soon and ive booked it for 10 children as that is all he wants. But what i dont want is the parents assuming that all children are invited and just dumping and running before i get the chance to say anything.

They can of course pay for there other dcs to go in to the play centre but they wont be able to come into the party room and have any food.

Is it just me being unreasonable or does anyone else find this unacceptable.

OP posts:

bearcrumble · 09/10/2010 20:45

I agree with you - you're only inviting the one child.

blametheparents · 09/10/2010 20:49

I agree with you.
As they get older their birthday party invites should be about who they want to invite, not your friend's children, or the siblings of their own friends.

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 09/10/2010 20:50

Can you put on the invite IE Jake ONLY

HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/10/2010 20:51

You're right.

To avoid this, put on the invitation

"No siblings, sorry, places limited to invitees only"

Or maybe say it. I have had to book the number of places, so it is invitees only, no siblings.

SE13Mummy · 09/10/2010 20:55

I include a line on invitations that says, "invitation is for X only - we do not have space for parents or siblings. Sorry!" No-one has complained about it yet (but a couple have friends have asked if I mind them 'stealing' my idea as they've had random siblings/cousins dropped off at parties in the past).

mummychicken · 09/10/2010 20:58

I recently had a 3rd B-day party for my DS. The invite went SPECIFICALLY to his 3 year old cousin only and explictly said that it was a drop off party.

Lo and behold, the bratty 6 year old came along and BOTH parents decided to stay. IT really peed me off as I then felt I had to entertain the adults instead of the kids. Completely ruined my enjoyment (kids had a ball regardless)

Next time I won't invite any of them (DH's family - not mine

Some people are just rude and will think of a party as a free feed for the kids!

mummychicken · 09/10/2010 21:00

Think I will use SE13mummy and Hecates wording in future!

redmoooon · 09/10/2010 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

minxofmancunia · 09/10/2010 21:10

YANBU, at dds 4th Birthday party recently a few siblings turned up pissed me right off. parents attempted to bugger off but I made it clear I wasn't going to be child minding siblings. Also only had a certain number of party bags so had to refuse siblings. Cue much crying and grumpiness.

mummychicken · 09/10/2010 21:14

redmoooon That was a personal attack which I do not appreciate- and if you are the sort of person that willing gatcrashes a 3rd b-day party then perhaps you should be aware that your actions will seriously piss other people off rather than being so egocentric. You children are not the centre of everyones world.

The bratty 6 year old in question is incredibly mean to my DS on every occasion they meet and therefore I did not want her there. FYI she had several major tantrums because there was not enough prizes/party bags etc for her. Why should I be overly concerned about that becauses SHE WAS NOT INVITED? Her Mum should have removed her.

If I am a bloody cow for not inviting or wanting certain children at my DS's party, then I'm happy with that and I'm really not bothered what a doormat thinks of me!

PlanetEarth · 09/10/2010 21:18

Never heard of such a thing. Totally unreasonable and rude!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/10/2010 21:21

yanbu, Ive avoided party's so far, will do one for DS 4th i spose as he weill have nursery friends by then - not looking forward to it though.

Mummychicken i dont think i could invite one cousin and not the other, even more so when they are siblings.

nancydrewrocked · 09/10/2010 21:22

mummychicken given your attitude there is no way I would leave my three year old alone at a party with you - I cannot believe you are criticing parents of a three year old for not leaving him unattended.

As for inviting one sibbling and not the other when they are cousins FFS!

ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 21:26

No YANBU! I mean what do you do at mealtime? Pay for another 10 kids or tell the siblings they ca go and press their noses to the glass whilst the other kids chow down?

This is obvious to me! Now and then my older child has an invite at a playcentre and there is a note or an extra invite for youngest DC who is 2....but I dont expect it!

itsatiggerday · 09/10/2010 21:29

Can I ask what age you expect children to be dropped rather than have a parent remain? We're only at 3yo parties so far and I wouldn't expect the hosting parents to field DD along with a bunch of other 3 yos alone. And if I stay, then DS (1yo) has to stay too. I don't expect party bags / inclusion for him though, and he can't do party games!

Sorry, not wanting to hijack but wondering if I've deeply offended now...

ChippingIn · 09/10/2010 21:31

It's rude, it wouldn't even occur to me to state this invitation is for x child only - the invitation is to 'x' child, not 'x' child and any siblings, neighbours, cousins you feel like bringing with you! I wouldn't even take a twin!

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 21:34

hmmmm..it depends upon the age of said children..but it must be pissin annoying if a parent stays with another uninvited child..do you really think you could stop them from joining in???...I think the expectation is there in some parents ..

esti1 · 09/10/2010 21:36

I agree with friends of child invited only not sibblings but im thinking mummychicken is somewhat rude OP only, is that not your DCs family!!! I would not dream of inviting a certain cousin all cousins are invited to all paties, goes without saying for me.

mummychicken · 09/10/2010 21:38

WOW - I've inadvertantly hijacked a thread where I was in support of the OP!

All the parents were happy with leaving the 3 year old kids with me - if they weren't they could have declined the invite.

My point was I wanted the FRIENDS of DS there NOT ones who bully/pick/ are mean to him. All the kids are in the same class at nursery and therefore same age. Hence I didn't invite the 6 year old. I had spoken to Mum at time of invite and she was more than happy with this and to leave the 3 year old for 2 hours.

obviously I am a cow for
a) not wanting all and sundry to come to a party

b) not allowing a 6 year old to bully my DS (regardless of whether they are related or not)

c) not being a doormat and getting peed off when these things happen

OP - yes I think it is rude when anyone gatecrashes a party whether they are siblings/relatives/fairy princesses. However as I am seemingly descended from the wicked witch of the east, have dubious parenting skills, no friends who will trust me with their children as I may eat them for breakfast my opinion are can be disregarded.

Original poster

tjacksonpfc · 09/10/2010 21:39

Thanks for all the responses i was starting to think it was me lol.

itsatiggerday We are talking 5 year olds at mo most of the parents stay as we are all friends anyway. the ones who appear with other siblings in tow are the ones that drop and run and dont stay. When we have a party in a hall if people say is it ok if X Y or Z comes aswell in advance of course i say yes. The annoying thing is when people assume it is ok with out even asking.

I think when i give out invites im going to have to make it clear that siblings wont be able to have food. I'm sending invites out in advance so if someone dc can't make it i can invite some one else.

OP posts:

perhapstomorrow · 09/10/2010 21:42

I think it's quite rude to assume that siblings are invited. Last year when my then 4 year old was invited to parties I would stay but her younger sister stayed at home. After a couple of parties my 4 year old was happy to be dropped off which made things easier. The only time when I've asked whether it would be OK to bring her younger sister was when the party was over 30mins drive away at a soft play and I had no childcare. I then made sure her sister understood there would be no party food or party bag. I think it's unfair on the party boy\girl and the siblings.

As for age to be dropped off I would say by about 4.5 - 5 most children are happy to be dropped off. Until they are happy to be dropped off I would say babies are fine to come along but to always check before bringing toddlers and older siblings along.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 21:45

I could/would not stop a child from having food!?!...its a mine-field!!...personally I think its rude to presume...who's on the invite is who I take..

Hulababy · 09/10/2010 21:51

TBH I have never actually experienced this. DD is 8y and has had big parties since she was 3y and we have never had univited guests just turn up and expect to be entertained and fed. We have had siblings arrive at drop off, but mever expeted to remain - although a couple of times, where it was suitable, we have offered for them to join us.

It is incredibly rude to turn up with siblings and expect them to be able to join in and be fed, and puts a huge imposition ont he host. Very unfair.

If it is a problem you mention it to the host in adavnce and see what can be arranged, but don';t just show up and expect siblings to be part of the party.

However,I wouldn;t say no to adults - I think it is always acceptable for an adult to remain with a child, regardless of age, as some children need that support. I wouldn't expect a party for 3 and 4y to be without adults anyway, not in my experience.

alicet · 09/10/2010 21:54

I think babes in arms is a different thing but I agree that people assuming siblings are invited is totally not on.

We have just had ds2s 3rd party and I did have one mum asking if it was Ok to bring the brother of the girl who was invited. I don't mind asking at all but the party was at our house and if everyone had brought sibs it would have been totally out of hand. Plus I wanted the party to be full of people that ds knew and had asked to come (he was very very prescriptive of who was and wasn't invited!) and not diluted with children he didn't know.

So I just replied politely explaining the above - it wasn't a problem at all.

Have to say I find the idea that you can tell parents that they HAVE to leave a 3 year old is a bit OTT although given that the parents were mostly OK maybe I am being precious! We said at ds1s 4th birthday that parents were welcome to drop off or come and most wanted to stay.

sofaaddict · 09/10/2010 22:01

Hmmm, think YANBU in that I would never assume anyone other than named DC was invited to a party of a nursery/school friend. However, I do have a different mindset when it comes to family parties and parties of children of close frends of mine. However, for these I would talk to the person throwing the party and heads up if it was ok for the whole clan to be there, iyswim.

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