AIBU to want to stab XP's eyes out with a rusty nail, and give his new g/f a good shake every time I see them?

[portaloo]

I am so !!!

Ok, to cut a very very long story short, my XP almost ruined my life in every way possible. He almost left me and DC homeless, ran up huge debts in my name, trashed my car, humiliated me in front of friends, my DD left home because of him, he gambled thousands away, was violent to me, lots more, but it was the financial mess we were in that made me stay with him for so long, until I eventually realised we would never get out of it together, and I would be better off on my own. It has been 5 long years of penny pinching since we split. During that time, he has broken into my house when I was away and stolen £600 in cash, various other items, which I reported to police, but due to the financial strain I do not have contents insurance and so cannot replace them.
I arranged for HA to secure the window he got in through, and tried to put it behind me.
XP always made himself to be a victim, ahhh poor him, NOT!!!

He has a list of X g/f's who he has treated all the same, the stealing, lying, being a massive financial burden etc etc.

We have a DD together.

XP is in training for world's worst father. He has bought 5 items since my pg. He has DD every other weekend, and asks me to provide practically everything she needs during that time. He seems to pick up none of the responsibilty at all.
XP is not welcome at my home at all. I do not trust him in the slightest. He picks up DD from the end of the road, and returns her to the end of the road.
Despite not darkening my doorstep, he has the audacity to ring me to ask if he can come to see DD at 8pm. He knows DD will be in bed. He rings me to tell me something apparently important, and makes lewd suggestions, asking me to take him back. Obviously his g/f has no idea of this and it makes me angry on her behalf.
He uses DD to keep the door open between myself and him. I think he knows without DD I would have nothing at all to do with him!!

I am still resentful that I am paying off debt he caused and he is now duping his next g/f and living a scot free life.

He pays no maintenance.

Now XP has decided that whenever there is a meeting that has anything to do with DD, he will be there (fair enough) and so will his g/f.

So far, his g/f has accompanied him to the courts, the hospital in the middle of the afternoon when DD fell out of her highchair, and every pick up and drop off.

Now I don't know this girl well enough to like or dislike her, but she has even knocked on my door for a cup of tea and a chat to discuss XP having more access to DD. I tried to explain to her that XP didn't see DD consistently and I felt he had enough opportunity to see DD, which he rarely took up. She then launched into a diatribe of how awful it was that XP is unhappy until I asked her if he had set her up to ask me for more access. She said No. I listened to her moaning about his 'awful' life for a long time, then I told her that XP was a liar and a thief and he had played her for a fool if she believed his sob stories. I told her in great detail how he had ruined my life and would do the same to her. She just gazed at me with this demonic smile. I told her he had treated all his g/f's within the last 10 years the same. I don't think she believed me.

As far as the access goes, My problem is that XP loves an audience. He seems to be as close to reasonable as possible when there is only him and me. As soon as anyone else is there he will whisper shit to me to try to wind me up, preach to me about parenting, ask me about every (and I mean every) mark or scratch on DD. Since his g/f has been present at access handover, and all other appts, not only does XP do his best to wind me up to verify to his watching girlfriend that I am indeed a loon, she sits in the car grinning inanely at me. She looks like a cross between the Joker and the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

I am getting mighty fucked off with it now tbh. I do not understand why when I am obviously getting annoyed with XP, she is grinning at me. I do not understand why she insists on being the receptive audience. I do not understand why she is letting XP take her for a ride, and why she cannot see that this jobless twat (he's out of work again) who his employer sacked for theft, is not Mr Wonderful. She has already had a relationship with an EA before XP. I do not see what my DD's hospital and nursery meetings have to do with a girlfriend he has not been dating for 6 months. I wish XP would fucking see DD regularly, and love her like I do, not as a means to get to me, I hate XP for the shit he has left us in, and the fact I will be paying it off for a good ten years more. I would like to see him suffer but how will he when theres always a woman waiting to put a roof over his head, hot food in his stomach and money in his hand. Grrrrrrr.

I wish she would back off from attending everything relating to DD, so arsewipe XP didnt have a bloody audience to play up to and humiliate me in front of, and he would grow up, but I feel that if I ask her to back off, she will think it is because I want him back which is what he always tells new girlfriends.

Help me control my anger. If I see that inane grin one more bloody time, I am not sure I will be able to control myself.

I know this is not logical or rational. I don't feel very logical or rational.

Cargirl XP's g/f is working part time and claiming tax credits, HB, Council tax benefit and CTC as a single mum whilst XP lives there.

She's going to need every last penny.

I should think that is causing their desperation to get you to back off with the CSA claim......

Honestly I would report her for housing benefit fraud, can be done over the phone anonymously!

babyheave That is exactly what I think the g/f thinks of me, that I am a vindictive bitter evil X, who wants her b/f back.

I am beginning to feel sorry for the g/f.

CarGirl I have thought of doing that a few times, but tbh, she is going to end up like all his other X g/f's, penniless and in debt to the tune of thousands. Her car has seen better days and I can just hear him promising her a better one, when his cheque clears etc etc, but it will never happen.

He just keeps girls hanging on with his promises and their hopes, whilst slowly sinking further and further into debt they can't possibly afford to pay back, unless it takes them a hundred years.

I ended up living on hope, hope he would finally stick at a job and get us out of the mess he put us in. I didn't realise at the time he was gambling away most of his earnings. He could earn really good money when he worked, but he always claimed not to have been paid.

In the end, I realised he was never going to get us out of any debt, he was only going to ever make things worse. Now I am paying it all back on my own, surviving on benefits, and he begrudges a few pounds of his wages. .

Beats me why SS even listen to him.

Anyhow, I am just not sure I can kick another person when they are down, no matter what she is helping XP do to me, she is not to blame really, she is just another victim. She also has a young DC too.

Part of the problem is that they have you to focus on as being "the problem" it's so much easier to ignore the huge thorn in her side that your ex is

Hi
sorry It has taken me a while to read through all the posts. Can you just clarify a few points to me please.
Did you mention another dd(not his?) who left home. if so then why?.
Still do not understand why you simply presumed that he was paying all the bills or why you let him borrow money in your name?
Also re the gf-she has nothing to do with your daughter AT ALL so has no right to attend school or hosp appointments. If this is something that your solicitor advised then get a new one!
Tbh you keep sayng that you feel sorry for the new gf but thats not what I am picking up at all. Think you are a bit jealous(even if you really dont want him back is hard to see an x with someone else).
Also you say you want your dd to maintain contact with x but how is it in her best interest to be round a man who you claim is so feckless?.
Sorry for long post but I was brought up in a stepfamily(with a stepdad who sounds s lot like your x) and it has affected me badly.

CarGirl Your words make so much sense of my foggy thoughts. You clarify my thoughts. Thank you.

pink4ever My eldest DD left home to live with her nan, closer to college etc.

My XP told me he was paying some bills, and I trusted him. XP paid rent and council tax. I paid the other bills and food shopping. I did not hear anything from landlord to suggest rent had been paid short until I was thousands behind on rent.
By the time I did, I began to 'rob peter to pay paul' to try to get straight. This involved waiting for XP to be paid, and in the meantime paying all of the bills on my overdraft or my credit card.
XP didnt borrow money in my name, only applied for credit from my address, including a provident loan he never paid bck and other things he purchased on credit which I still get letters for.

If I come across as jealous, I have definitely given the wrong impression. Jealousy is not the way I would describe how I feel about her, it swings between frustration, anger, pity and just sadness, but never jealousy. I would have to want something she had to be jealous and I definitely don't want anything she has.

I prayed for another woman to take XP off of my hands, I know where he is, so theres less chance of him lurking round my house.

There is a God, because he answered my prayers.

I want DD to maintain contact with XP because she has a strong bond with him and she loves him, she has great fun with him, and I have no concerns about his fathering abilities so far.

StayFrosty Thank you so much for your support. I like the way you chose the word victim. This is exactly what XP thinks he is, always.

His X's are vile, his employers are unfair, his family are uncaring, his friends lie about him. (He has no friends now after he stole from them all, but of course they lied about that)

I meant to say 'I have no concerns about his fathering abilities when he actually sees DD, which has been consistent for a few weeks now, so fingers crossed. He never treats DD with anything but love and kindness. DD is obviously unaware that XP doesn't pay maintenance, or hasn't always provided the things she needs during contact, and I have no reason to believe DD is unhappy about seeing XP or his g/f.

So from DD's point of view, he is a great daddy, and she deserves a great daddy in her eyes.

Hope that makes sense.

Sorry I though from your original post that your other dd has left home because of x? also imo a "great daddy" is not someone who evades paying for his dd(even if she is too young to know it) jump into relationships willynilly as a means of maintaining his lifestyle(you mentioned he had done this before and you expect him to do it to present gf so therefore this may simply be the 1st in a series of gf your dd may be exposed to? not good surely?).
Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic but as I mentioned my stepdad did something very similiar(left my mum with loads of his debts)but I also think the other person in relationship has to accept some of the blame too.

pink4ever I agree that I have to accept some of the blame, and since I am now a single parent paying off 'our' debt for the next umpteen years, I feel I am paying my penance.

I would never ever allow this to happen again. I did what so many other woman do and trusted blindly. We all have to trust blindly in alot of situations, but I will never blindly trust again where my home or my possessions could be at risk. I have learnt a very hard lesson.

Still seems a tad unfair that XP gets away with it again and again.

Thats because gullible women(including yourself) let him get away with it. Did you never hear anything bad about him from xgf,family or friends that would have given you a clue?
I am truely sorry you have been left to pay off debts but am still concerned with your absolute belief that contact with him is in your dds best interest. If it were me then I would get my dd as far away as pos from such a manipulative person but I really hope it all works out for you both.

ps-having just read this back sounds a bit sanctimonious.apologies but I have very strong feelings where dc are exposed to probs in adults relationships. x

Portaloo, its taken sometime to read all through this,Im really sorry for you, and this shit your getting just so you can maintain your DD contact with her idiot of a dad. I really do feel for you
You have quite clearly stated he is a good father, im sure you put that he was trying to gain access to your DD bed frame (which he bought)im sorry but i dont think thats the act of a good father. Too take the bed frame from his daughter, to see her without a bed, the fact is, that bed means nothing to him, and will be of no use to him in any shape of form, he has just requested it to get up your nose. Basically he is trying to take your DD bed, to get at you.He is using her to get to you, doesnt sound like a great dad to me tbh
I really feel for you, and hope you get through this, and he see"s the light sooner than later, i really do wish you the best for the future, and please change your legal firm they seem like they were educated by the tellytubbies

pink4ever I wonder, have you ever been in this situation yourself?

I can say categorically that I was NEVER told anything bad about my ex by either his family, friends or his X g/f. In fact, his X g/f was trying to resume their relationship. His family didn't spout lots of negative things about him, they just didn't mention anything bad at all.

If he appeared to be such a poor choice for a partner right from the word go, one has to wonder why he has never ever been single for more than a few weeks AFAIK.

As it is, I do not have a choice whether he sees DD or not. There is a court order in place, and I cannot just decide he wont be seeing her and refuse, unless it is a serious enough situation to be justified in overriding a court order. To say he has threatened to remove DD's bed frame (although he hasn't anyway) or that he is manipulative to me, has stolen from me (cannot be proved) is not an immediate threat to DD's safety or welfare.

My mother was in an abusive relationship, and I judged her to be gullible too, and found it very very difficult to understand why she put up with it for so long, or how she could possibly get into such a mess, but until you have been in an abusive relationship yourself, it's easy to pour scorn on other people who find themselves in abusive relationships without understanding just how easy it is to be in one, and just how very difficult it is to get out of one.

I am really hoping you will come back to say that you have indeed been involved with an abusive partner, which will imho give your opinion much more credence.

pink4ever Indeed, the more I read your last post, the more I feel you are projecting XP's abusive behaviour onto me, insinuating it was my own fault for not seeing he was abusive from the very early days, and the blame lies with me for sticking it out for so long, and that I should have known he was abusive before embarking on a relationship with him, or at least within the first few weeks. Maybe with hindsight I was wrong, I accept that, but your frustration at problems in abusive relationships is directed at the wrong person surely?

Surely the abuser is mainly in the wrong, not the abused??

pink4ever - please stop projecting your frustrations with your mum for choosing and putting up with your stepdad on to portaloo. I really don't see how dumping your issues on her is particularly helpful.

If you want to have a vent about your mum and your stepdad and the pain you suffered because of it please go over to the Relationships area and do it there. You will find lots of sympathetic and understanding people with lots of good advice and knowledge. This isn't the right thread to work through your pain.

Portaloo hope everything is going OK today.