AIBU to want to stab XP's eyes out with a rusty nail, and give his new g/f a good shake every time I see them?

[portaloo]

I am so !!!

Ok, to cut a very very long story short, my XP almost ruined my life in every way possible. He almost left me and DC homeless, ran up huge debts in my name, trashed my car, humiliated me in front of friends, my DD left home because of him, he gambled thousands away, was violent to me, lots more, but it was the financial mess we were in that made me stay with him for so long, until I eventually realised we would never get out of it together, and I would be better off on my own. It has been 5 long years of penny pinching since we split. During that time, he has broken into my house when I was away and stolen £600 in cash, various other items, which I reported to police, but due to the financial strain I do not have contents insurance and so cannot replace them.
I arranged for HA to secure the window he got in through, and tried to put it behind me.
XP always made himself to be a victim, ahhh poor him, NOT!!!

He has a list of X g/f's who he has treated all the same, the stealing, lying, being a massive financial burden etc etc.

We have a DD together.

XP is in training for world's worst father. He has bought 5 items since my pg. He has DD every other weekend, and asks me to provide practically everything she needs during that time. He seems to pick up none of the responsibilty at all.
XP is not welcome at my home at all. I do not trust him in the slightest. He picks up DD from the end of the road, and returns her to the end of the road.
Despite not darkening my doorstep, he has the audacity to ring me to ask if he can come to see DD at 8pm. He knows DD will be in bed. He rings me to tell me something apparently important, and makes lewd suggestions, asking me to take him back. Obviously his g/f has no idea of this and it makes me angry on her behalf.
He uses DD to keep the door open between myself and him. I think he knows without DD I would have nothing at all to do with him!!

I am still resentful that I am paying off debt he caused and he is now duping his next g/f and living a scot free life.

He pays no maintenance.

Now XP has decided that whenever there is a meeting that has anything to do with DD, he will be there (fair enough) and so will his g/f.

So far, his g/f has accompanied him to the courts, the hospital in the middle of the afternoon when DD fell out of her highchair, and every pick up and drop off.

Now I don't know this girl well enough to like or dislike her, but she has even knocked on my door for a cup of tea and a chat to discuss XP having more access to DD. I tried to explain to her that XP didn't see DD consistently and I felt he had enough opportunity to see DD, which he rarely took up. She then launched into a diatribe of how awful it was that XP is unhappy until I asked her if he had set her up to ask me for more access. She said No. I listened to her moaning about his 'awful' life for a long time, then I told her that XP was a liar and a thief and he had played her for a fool if she believed his sob stories. I told her in great detail how he had ruined my life and would do the same to her. She just gazed at me with this demonic smile. I told her he had treated all his g/f's within the last 10 years the same. I don't think she believed me.

As far as the access goes, My problem is that XP loves an audience. He seems to be as close to reasonable as possible when there is only him and me. As soon as anyone else is there he will whisper shit to me to try to wind me up, preach to me about parenting, ask me about every (and I mean every) mark or scratch on DD. Since his g/f has been present at access handover, and all other appts, not only does XP do his best to wind me up to verify to his watching girlfriend that I am indeed a loon, she sits in the car grinning inanely at me. She looks like a cross between the Joker and the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

I am getting mighty fucked off with it now tbh. I do not understand why when I am obviously getting annoyed with XP, she is grinning at me. I do not understand why she insists on being the receptive audience. I do not understand why she is letting XP take her for a ride, and why she cannot see that this jobless twat (he's out of work again) who his employer sacked for theft, is not Mr Wonderful. She has already had a relationship with an EA before XP. I do not see what my DD's hospital and nursery meetings have to do with a girlfriend he has not been dating for 6 months. I wish XP would fucking see DD regularly, and love her like I do, not as a means to get to me, I hate XP for the shit he has left us in, and the fact I will be paying it off for a good ten years more. I would like to see him suffer but how will he when theres always a woman waiting to put a roof over his head, hot food in his stomach and money in his hand. Grrrrrrr.

I wish she would back off from attending everything relating to DD, so arsewipe XP didnt have a bloody audience to play up to and humiliate me in front of, and he would grow up, but I feel that if I ask her to back off, she will think it is because I want him back which is what he always tells new girlfriends.

Help me control my anger. If I see that inane grin one more bloody time, I am not sure I will be able to control myself.

I know this is not logical or rational. I don't feel very logical or rational.

Dione I would probably say that XP has had a very hollow victory, because ultimately his goal is to move back in with me, and fleece me of more, whereas he hasn't achieved that and never will.

I will get back on my feet again, a little stronger and a little wiser.

Of course you will Portaloo. It just takes time to build up your strength. You know what to do and when you are strong enough you will do it. In the meantime, good luck.

Hi portaloo just checking in, so glad to see that it went without incident. And I am so pleased (yet at the same time horrified) that there are other posters who have experienced much of the same and can point you to the right people for support!
This place is a godsend at times!

bethjeff I agree, venting on here has been a godsend, and the advice has been so helpful.

SugarMousePink I agree wholeheartedly with everything you have said. I am grateful g/f is putting up with him, if only because I do not relish him turning up on my doorstep.

I collected DD today. I didn't speak to him, didn't trust myself not to blow a gasket when once again, his g/f and her DC were there for the drop off. I actually felt much calmer and composed.

On the short walk back home, DD kept chanting 'More Daddy, More Daddy' I am actually pleased that she obviously had a lovely weekend.

StewieGriffinsMum I will be phoning my solicitor tomorrow morning to let her know what XP's g/f said about me being a possible threat to her DC, then bringing DC to pick up/drop offs.

Sorry to resurrect this thread, but thought I'd give an update.

XP and his g/f have been picking up and dropping off DD for contact, I refuse to utter a single word to him, everything was going well I thought, only now he has reported me as an unfit mother to social services.
SS have already been round once and the SW explained that she was happy to close the case, then lo and behold, my GP gives a verbal report on DD's medical records over the phone, and suddenly, SW has launched a 'core assessment'.
I have the 'allegation' report which came through the post a couple of days ago, which includes the GP's report, but tbh, I truly feel like giving up.
The SW has raised a couple of issues, which I will mention if anyone is interested.

Are there any SW's on here, or indeed anyone who can maybe offer me some emotional support?? I really feel I am being scrutinised by XP through SS. SW turned up unexpectedly first time, so I am concerned if there's any mess in my house or if my DD is behaving and happy all the time just in case SS turn up unexpectedly again. I don't really know what they expect. I feel I can't relax while all this is going on. To be truthful, I feel like I am crumbling under the pressure of defending myself all the time.

Portaloo - this sounds very hard for you. Hopefully, a social worker will be along soon. In the meantime, contact your solicitor because this is beginning to look like serious harrassment. Your XP has form for violence against you etc so it shouldn't be too hard to discredit your XP completely. That way you only have to deal with whatever the GP said.

Did you report XP to the CSA? If not do it now! Seriously consider reporting his GF to the benefits agency. Make his life really uncomfortable.

You clearly are really getting to him that's why he has gone to SS because he wants to keep control of the situation. So, awful though this is for you, you know that ignoring him was really working.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Thank you so much for replying.

I have reported XP to CSA. He texted me to tell me that he had heard from them, and 'to save me the trouble, he will be declaring my new income to the relevant authorities'.

I haven't received any maintenance yet, and probably wont, but the irony of that text says it all.

The GP reported that I had taken DD to the dr's with nappy rash a couple of months ago, and this is what the SW told me on the phone has alerted her to carry out a core assessment. I explained that I thought DD had thrush, because I had been using metanium, and after 2/3 days, it was no better, and had started bleeding a little, so I took her to drs. Dr explained it was not thrush, but that it was probably not clearing up because the nappy was rubbing the metanium off as soon as I put the nappy on, so he advised me to put sudocrem on (which he prescribed) wait 10 minutes, then apply vaseline as a barrier. Within 3 days, it was gone.

My solicitor wants to see the report, to decide whether I can deal with this myself or whether I will need her intervention although she didnt sound particularly interested.

I am no expert but I cannot see that the SW will want to take this any further. Nappy rash is common and you took your DD to the GP rather than letting her suffer. Compared to the level of neglect that some SW must come across I would expect this puts you in model parent category. Was this some time ago? If so, and there have been no incidents since then I would be surprised if this is seen as any more than a one off medical condition.

Its worth getting this on record with your solicitor as you have done, that way if XP tries the same again you already have a record. Additionally, you may want to make the SW aware of his previous harrassment so if he tries to report you again they will be aware of his history (I expect they would still have to investigate any report but might handle it differently).

It must be a terrible way to be living. Have you saved any of his texts wanting you back? If so, show them to the SW.

Why was your Dr giving reports over the phone and who to?

Who has parental responsibility?

You need another solicitor I think - someone who is interested in getting you into a position where he can't pull this shit.

Jeeeeez. Baby Peter dies abused and ignored, but nappy rash gets a "core assessment" on the back of a vindictive ex partner? I would hope that SW will see sense in this matter, going to the doctors for nappy rash is surely the behaviour of a good mother, no?

It's clear that your X and his new gf are bonding over vilifying you. This is doubtless an attempt to get a rise out of you, so do your level best to seem as serene and unflustered by this as you can muster in front of him. The more wound up you get, the more enjoyment they get. Your X is just a plain old bully, and from the sounds of it his new gf needs abusive partners to fulfill some distorted psychological need.

Your legal help sounds a bit pants, TBH. Have you considered getting consultations with some other solicitors, just to see if you can't find one willing to put a bit more effort and interest into proceedings? Remember, you are the client, you fire them if they aren't delivering what you need.

ChippingIn Not sure if I've still got the texts where he's asking me to get back together with him, but will look this evening.
The Dr was giving reports to SW over the phone, I had already signed an agreement saying she could obtain my DD's and my medical records when she asked. I thought I had nothing to hide. SW asked Dr to send report in writing, but Dr's didn't respond quickly, so SW followed the request up by phone and got the information.
Both my XP and I have PR, he is on the birth certificate.

dizietsma It's nice to have an insight into what the hell is going through XP's and his g/f's minds, so Thank you. I am wary of involving a new solicitor, purely because I still have legal funding at the moment and I don't really want anymore delays in getting help via solicitor because of changing.

My XP has texted me again today to say he can no longer afford to pick DD up and drop her off, since I have made a claim through the CSA, so is suggesting I pick DD up from g/f's house, after g/f explicitly refused in court to have me do drop offs or pick ups at her house, due to the effect it would have on her son, even though she brings her son to every single drop off and pick up.

I have yet to reply. I couldn't get hold of my solicitor on the phone or her secretary, so I have emailed my solicitor today.

Nope you can't.

If he wants to see her, then he has to be the one to pick her up and drop her off.

This is crap and he is just trying to wind you up/make you feel guilty/control you.

Do not buy into it.

It all adds to your cause if he doesn't turn up to collect her when it's 'his time'.

Your DD is better off without him - don't feel bad x

Portaloo
Did the judge order that you meet in a carpark for the handover. If so, then he is proposing to breach the court order, in that case you simply have to text him back saying I will be in the usual place at the usual time in accordance with the court order.

If he fails to show up then he is the one at fault as you have complied with the order to the letter.

I'd love to see him go back to court to vary the pick up / drop off arrangements on the grounds that the CSA are pursuing him for unpaid maintenance . I'm sure the judge would be really impressed.

BTW - save that text

for you. keep fighting.

Thanks so much.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude The court order does indeed state that the local pub car park is pick up/drop off point. (I've always thought it an awful place to choose for pick up/drop offs but barrister in court recommended it. I did offer to pick DD up from XP's whilst we were in court, which my barrister duly suggested to him, but his g/f pointblank refused, saying she did not want me at her house for drop offs or pick up, due to the effect my presence may have on her son. She was concerned I would become volatile and begin screaming, although she attends every drop off/pick up with XP and brings her son to every one too. (It is her car btw.)

I have 2 concerns.

My first is that he will pick DD up for contact, then claim he does not have enough petrol to return her and I am not sure how to handle that.

Second is that I find DD rather a handful, she is a typical 2 year old with a loud headbanging habit.
I actually look forward to having a break once a fortnight, and DD absolutely loves seeing XP. Just to have that time means I can get so much done, and I can relax again.

I just want XP to be a responsible father, and quit his insatiable appetite for causing me as many problems as he can. He has called the police on me for silly things, now SS. Where will it all end??

Thanks Undertone. I just find I am getting so so tired of it all now, and it all seems such hard work.

I want to shout 'Stop the ride, I want to get off!!!'

Portaloo
If he doesn't return her because he hasn't got enough petrol he is in breach of the court order. You go and collect her that time but make it clear that you will be raising his breach of the court order with your solicitor.

If at any point he starts to breach the terms of the order keep a record and raise it with your solicitor. That way you can go back to court and start putting the pressure on him.

If he doesn't return her you call the police and report her as having been abducted.

Poor you - can you put a hook on those rusty nails and twist!

sunnydelight With pleasure

He is just trying to make you feel guilty and drop the CSA claim - I wonder if they are living together and she is claiming benefits or such like..........

Speak to your solicitor about your concerns that he may fail to return your daughter after contact so she can be prepared to get an emergency residency order in place should you ever need it.

I'm really sorry but with twats like that you just have to win the war not the battle

Portaloo - just wanted to send some words of support as I really feel for you. Your ex sounds like a vindictive bully. I know from experience how easy it is to be sucked in. (An old boyfriend of mine was divorced by his wife for DV - I belived him when he said she was being vindictive as she was a psycho. How thick was I? Found out the hard way).

Sadly men like them are so good at playing people its hard when you know what they are really like. I think that SS are just covering their backs and once they have seen you, they will see that it is your ex being vindictive, but it must be so stressful to be in that position.

Like the rest of the PPs I say keep records of everything that happens. Ignore the gf, no matter how hard it is - she'll find out the hard way.

Good luck with it all.