AIBU to want to stab XP's eyes out with a rusty nail, and give his new g/f a good shake every time I see them?

[portaloo]

I am so !!!

Ok, to cut a very very long story short, my XP almost ruined my life in every way possible. He almost left me and DC homeless, ran up huge debts in my name, trashed my car, humiliated me in front of friends, my DD left home because of him, he gambled thousands away, was violent to me, lots more, but it was the financial mess we were in that made me stay with him for so long, until I eventually realised we would never get out of it together, and I would be better off on my own. It has been 5 long years of penny pinching since we split. During that time, he has broken into my house when I was away and stolen £600 in cash, various other items, which I reported to police, but due to the financial strain I do not have contents insurance and so cannot replace them.
I arranged for HA to secure the window he got in through, and tried to put it behind me.
XP always made himself to be a victim, ahhh poor him, NOT!!!

He has a list of X g/f's who he has treated all the same, the stealing, lying, being a massive financial burden etc etc.

We have a DD together.

XP is in training for world's worst father. He has bought 5 items since my pg. He has DD every other weekend, and asks me to provide practically everything she needs during that time. He seems to pick up none of the responsibilty at all.
XP is not welcome at my home at all. I do not trust him in the slightest. He picks up DD from the end of the road, and returns her to the end of the road.
Despite not darkening my doorstep, he has the audacity to ring me to ask if he can come to see DD at 8pm. He knows DD will be in bed. He rings me to tell me something apparently important, and makes lewd suggestions, asking me to take him back. Obviously his g/f has no idea of this and it makes me angry on her behalf.
He uses DD to keep the door open between myself and him. I think he knows without DD I would have nothing at all to do with him!!

I am still resentful that I am paying off debt he caused and he is now duping his next g/f and living a scot free life.

He pays no maintenance.

Now XP has decided that whenever there is a meeting that has anything to do with DD, he will be there (fair enough) and so will his g/f.

So far, his g/f has accompanied him to the courts, the hospital in the middle of the afternoon when DD fell out of her highchair, and every pick up and drop off.

Now I don't know this girl well enough to like or dislike her, but she has even knocked on my door for a cup of tea and a chat to discuss XP having more access to DD. I tried to explain to her that XP didn't see DD consistently and I felt he had enough opportunity to see DD, which he rarely took up. She then launched into a diatribe of how awful it was that XP is unhappy until I asked her if he had set her up to ask me for more access. She said No. I listened to her moaning about his 'awful' life for a long time, then I told her that XP was a liar and a thief and he had played her for a fool if she believed his sob stories. I told her in great detail how he had ruined my life and would do the same to her. She just gazed at me with this demonic smile. I told her he had treated all his g/f's within the last 10 years the same. I don't think she believed me.

As far as the access goes, My problem is that XP loves an audience. He seems to be as close to reasonable as possible when there is only him and me. As soon as anyone else is there he will whisper shit to me to try to wind me up, preach to me about parenting, ask me about every (and I mean every) mark or scratch on DD. Since his g/f has been present at access handover, and all other appts, not only does XP do his best to wind me up to verify to his watching girlfriend that I am indeed a loon, she sits in the car grinning inanely at me. She looks like a cross between the Joker and the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

I am getting mighty fucked off with it now tbh. I do not understand why when I am obviously getting annoyed with XP, she is grinning at me. I do not understand why she insists on being the receptive audience. I do not understand why she is letting XP take her for a ride, and why she cannot see that this jobless twat (he's out of work again) who his employer sacked for theft, is not Mr Wonderful. She has already had a relationship with an EA before XP. I do not see what my DD's hospital and nursery meetings have to do with a girlfriend he has not been dating for 6 months. I wish XP would fucking see DD regularly, and love her like I do, not as a means to get to me, I hate XP for the shit he has left us in, and the fact I will be paying it off for a good ten years more. I would like to see him suffer but how will he when theres always a woman waiting to put a roof over his head, hot food in his stomach and money in his hand. Grrrrrrr.

I wish she would back off from attending everything relating to DD, so arsewipe XP didnt have a bloody audience to play up to and humiliate me in front of, and he would grow up, but I feel that if I ask her to back off, she will think it is because I want him back which is what he always tells new girlfriends.

Help me control my anger. If I see that inane grin one more bloody time, I am not sure I will be able to control myself.

I know this is not logical or rational. I don't feel very logical or rational.

scottishmummy Truth be told, he made me laugh and he resembled Mr Muscle, so I assumed there'd be no way he could harm a fly. (Yes, the guy from the Mr Muscle adverts, thin, weedy although I later changed that to lean and wiry because I discovered just how strong he is. Lifting 100kgs on his own hardly raises a drop of sweat)

well least you are shot of him now,but bloody hard struggle you been through

Portaloo unfortunately I fear your barrister may not have had a sense of humour and has taken you at your word. Bah.

If you speak to the SW and explain what you have here, without throwing in murderous intent , then at least she would understand your frustrations. Or perhaps begin to see where you are coming from.

If your XP was truly a broken man who wanted his family back together he would be paying his way or getting some sort of JSA to support his child. By not doing so he amounts to nothing in my eyes. I would imagine that any person in an official stance would be inclined to think the same.

Doesn't matter if the court date has been and gone, you and your dd still have to live with this. Which means it is not over.

If you look at it all with a non-emotional head on you can see that everything is in your favour so long as you take the appropriate action and don't let him bother you.

Be strong for yourself and your dd. If this was your dd in 10 or 20 years time what would you want her to do? You would want her to be strong and stand up for herself so this is what you must do now to set an example.

ChippingIn I'm liking the idea of a hitman, not too keen on having his blood on my hands, and I've heard blood is a bugger to wash out, ha ha ha.

DD stays with him all weekend, until Sunday evening. I really don't see why I should provide her with pyjama's/spare clothes etc etc. I hate that I pay for it all, including his shitty debts and he is given everything.

He relies on the fact that I don't want DD to suffer for his sins, and tbh, I don't think it would bother him that much if her shoes were too tight, or if she had no pyjama's.

God, I despise him.

While most people have a conscience, including me, he uses that to squirm out of taking any responsibility.

FWIW, I think his g/f's car, which he drives to pick DD up and drop her off, is a death trap, but no proof. It smokes like mad, and I tried telling barrister all of this, but twas like water off a ducks back.

(You didn't think he came in his own car did you? )

I don't want to flame you, why the fuck does such a waster have your DC every weekend?
:(

Jareth XP has DD every other weekend. It was 3x a week but not overnight, which he has never stuck to, but upon going to court last week, crap barrister said she was going to recommend overnight every other weekend to the judge, in DD's best interests.

Barrister said this was the 'usual' contact for a NRP, and she saw no reason why it should be contested. She had spoken to XP and his g/f before we went into court and it seems XP was happy with this too.

Barrister also thought XP's g/f was 'a very reasonable lady' and had let g/f take an active part in the discussions before court.

dear farking lord........

and the drugs they take are?

I asked for a "usual" contact order too, but judge told me I was "most selfish and unreasonable to expect dd to miss spending christmas day and night with her uncles and aunts and inlaws to spend it with YOU, every other year".

So the legal system seems to work on a finger in the air method. I feel for you and second the comments about cutting all contact apart from written. My ex can only contact me through my solicitor, as she would ring and text abuse and allegations constantly before.

Oh, God, I had one of these. The girfriend attending every pick up /drop off and grinning inanely in the car is exactly the same.

I can't really offer any advice, because it wound me up to hopeless, sobbing fury until they both eventually disappeared fom our lives. Hope this happens for you, too.

portaloo....it strikes me that this man is a good manipulator and I can't imagine that when you were with him you would have listened to an ex gf either. She probably has lots of warning that you are a loon and so anything you do makes you look like that, even if you were beyond reasonable....I heard the expression on here about 'How often do you beat your wife?' and there being no right answer, I imagine it's this sort of situation your ex puts you in.

Can you take someone with you when you hand over, so that you can focus on them and your dd? I agree about the gf in the car, do not look at her, put yourself so you have you back to her and then you won't have the awkwardness of avoiding her gaze.

Portaloo,

Here's what I think you should do having seen it from both points of view (new and exp).
-Send her in only the clothes she is standing in, he doesnt contribute financially so why should you send her with clothes etc.

• Buy a dictaphone (they can be purchased for about a tenner), put it in your pocket and record what happens. If nothing else, this will help you ignore him as you know he is being recorded!

• Arrange seperate appointments where possible, eg at nursery. You dont have to tell him aout appointments, he should arrange his own seperately. With hospital appointments, I would say at the beginning that of the appointment that you feel the appointment is confidential to your DD and that you woould like only adults with Parental Responsibility to remain in the room. The hospital have to back you up on this, and TBH would rather that less people were there. 3 adults for one child makes it harder for them to communicate.

• Stay calm, stay clam, stay calm. You are showing your DD how to behave. Be a fabulous role model, you know you can.

• Vent on MNet, I find this helps me to resisit lamping ex.

• Make a chart with the number of day til your DD is 16 and you will never have to make arrangements with him again. cross off each day .

So sorry you are getting soooo wound up by this man.
You now realise you have to change tack now don't you.
Ballstoit is right, get a dictaphone and don't tell him.
Why are the medical professionals allowing this on your behalf it is outragous that gf is at appointments.
Inform the hosptial before you get there and when you arrive and let them evict her, his response would be very telling to the staff there.
Try to get back up all the time and ignore his phone calls just email or text. Stop engaging.

Thishas been and will be tough but stop talking to him. If he starts on you walk away get into your car and go.
Good luck

I was going to suggest recording him, some mobile phones have such a feature, or can you record him with a camera or a webcam?. Do some mental pictures of him next time you see him, something like him being completely naked and his dick is going all black and dropping off, anything to bring a smile to your face.

Thank you all so much. Your posts have made me laugh, as well as nod my head in agreement. I am grateful to each and every one of you.

Jareth Your last post made me chuckle.

TechLovingDad It appears the courts do whatever they think on any given day. It has been put into my court order that XP has DD every other year at Xmas. He will be having her this Xmas. I am okay about this, since DD probably wont properly understand Xmas this year, but by my turn to have DD next year, she will have a much clearer grasp on Xmas. I feel for you not seeing your DC at Xmas at all. That is beyond cruel.

Jillhastwoponies For my DD's sake, it would be the best thing if XP and his grinning g/f disappeared from our lives. It is good to hear from someone who understand how mad it makes me feel. How long was it until your XP and his grinner lost interest? How has this affected your DC?

ballstoit Thanks for the advice about the hospital appt. I'll definitely ask that only people with PR go into the consultants room. I didn't realise I could request that tbh, so thanks. It has really helped to vent on here. I shall look into getting a dictaphone, I agree it will probably help me to remain calm, if I know I am being recorded too.

mamas12 I am curious to know what XP will do if his g/f is evicted by the hospital staff, ha ha ha. I will be sorely tempted to walk away if it gets too much, but then I am not sure he will keep me informed about what the consultant said.

mumdrivenmad That is a good suggestion. I am sure I can think up many undesirable pictures of him in my head, lol.

I took DD to meet him today, and when I arrived at the car park, there he was, with his g/f and her son, all larking around in the car park. (I still don't understand why g/f refuses to have me at her house because of any possible threat to her son, yet she brings him to pick ups )
I could feel my blood pressure rising, so I just said goodbye to DD, told her I would see her tomorrow, and she ran to XP. I turned and walked away. I do not wish to engage with him or his silly g/f at all.

Poor DD. I didn't even really say goodbye properly before she ran off. She was so excited to see XP, she just kept shouting Daddy, Daddy.

Well done, each time you refuse to engage it will become clearer to him and his dim gf that you are not interested.

Now, you should treat yourself to a long bubble bath, and a glass of wine to congratulate yourself on not rising to him today.

Thanks ballstoit. I wish my mother could be half as supportive as you lot on here, but that's a whole different story.

It never rains but it pours sort of thing.

Portaloo - I hope they feck off sometime soon, it sounds like your DD would be better off without him in her life anyway.

The legal system is truely fucked up.

Sorry about your Mum too - it's a fairly common problem :(

Thanks ChippingIn.

I'm feeling much better at the moment, have had a nice quiet day.

Roll on tomorrow evening, doing the walk back up the road to pick up.

Would it be worth putting your issues with your barrister into writing and sending to your solicitor?

At least that way you will have on record that you are not happy with the way the barrister treated you and ignored some of your requests or asked for things that you weren't expecting or happy with. Keep it very un-emotional (sometimes means you need to write about 5 drafts, first ones end up being very emotional, then you cut more and more of the emotion out!) and simple, points that she said and for each, either why you disagree or what she did differently or when she did something and didn't explain, and when you asked her to do something and she didn't (or did it differently, particularly if it was helping your xp rather than you iYSWIM)

And if you do need to go back to court then hopefully it means that you will either get a different barrister or if you do have to have this one, she will listen to you more rather than just rattling off standard stuff and being accomodating to your xp rather than fighting for you and your dd.

Don't know if it is worth sending a copy of the letter to the barrister too.

Was it so bad that you would like to file an official complaint against her? Not sure if you complain if you will be able to get court to listen to you again or change things if you have to go back to them for something.

And is there nothing you can do to get yourself out of the debts that he ran up in your name, even if it is just to get them transferred into his name? Can you get police involved or small claims or anything else (sorry, not a legal bod so no idea how you would go about this!)

if he wants to call police about dd's bed, then I would welcome it and say that he can have it - as soon as he has replaced the things that he stole from you and the debts that he ran up in your name. But until then, you are hanging on to it.

And I would also file a complaint with the csa to say that you tried to open a file previously and that you were told you couldn't for the reasons you gave above, but that nobody told you that your claim would have dated from the date you started to open a claim with them. OK so maybe your xp is not earning now but when he is earning you will have potentially lost out on more money that he should have been giving for your dd. See if you can get them to backdate your claim and also to force a change in their procedures so that others in your position won't be put off from claiming. That should show them you are serious and that you think their mistake stems from a procedural error on their part (might be that they try to disuade people from claiming if they know the parent is going to be really hard to track down as it might be bad for their figures or something, who knows)

Anybody else that you can go to for help - MP? GP?

Sorry, lots of random thoughts. Sounds like you have been put through the ringer by this guy, hope you manage to get through the other side soon.

Why did you have £600 in cash in your house?

Portaloo - I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. Did you have a different name when your ex stole the money (or is it just a co-incidence that another mn'ers ex stole that amount too?) No biggie either way, just curious :)

Try to enjoy your time alone, do some 'grown ups' stuff :)

Ignore, ignore, ignore and csa his arse. He's a fuckwit.

zipzap You have raised some very useful points there. I'll think on what you have said.

As far as the debts go, they are all in my name, mainly rent arrears and utility bills that XP swore he was paying and never did. By the time I discovered the extent of what he had not paid (or had set up a direct debit for, then cancelled), the debts had mounted up and I had to pay them in installments which I continue to do to this day.

XP had a poor credit rating, and I also got a loan out to replace my car (this was before I realised he was not paying the rent/bills)

We agreed I would pay the loan, food and petrol for the car, and a few other bits and pieces, and he would pay the rent/bills. Instead he ran up the bills (£800 in one weekend on the phone unbelievably) then didn't bother paying anything, instead just gambled his money away. I didn't find that out until after he left.

phipps The £600 was a combination of money I had withdrawn from the bank over 2 days to pay for repairs on my car, and DD's birthday money.

I have yet to replace the birthday money for DD.
I am sure I will get there one day.

ChippingIn Not me I'm afraid, seems there must be a few con artists out there.

PoshSingleMum I couldn't agree more.

Portaloo, things are hard for you at the minute, but you are not stupid. Step out of yourself for a minute. What would you advise a friend going through the same thing? I ask this because, no matter what anyone says, you are going to do what you do. Perhaps if you listen to what you would say you will get better grip of the situation.