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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel mean but resolute

71 replies

mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:26

A month or so ago we brought DP's DN to live with his. He's been brought up by his granny (orphaned as a baby) but chose to come and live with us in a different city because he wanted to change schools (problems with behaviour in general). He's 12.

For the past three years, since I met DP, we've taken him on holiday with DP's brother's children (DP's brother is useless father and they wouldn't really have much of a holiday without it).

This year I feel I don't want to take them on holiday with us. I now have DN and that's been a big change for me (we have DS, 12 months plus I work). The younger child is sweet but the older one is now 17 and I find him a bit difficult if I'm honest. I've talked to their mum and she completely understands. She has recently been able to go back to work and will be able to afford to take them somewhere herself.

I just feel we should focus our efforts and our money on DN for now. I will end up looking after them for the whole holiday (DP pretty much just ornamental in that department), cooking and clearing up etc.

So this evening I showed DN where we might be going and all he wanted to know was if they could come with us. I said no, because of money and space issues. He looked really upset and I feel mean, because actually we probably could organise for them to come I just don't want them to come because it'll make it much less enjoyable for me, less time with DS etc.

But he has had a lot of change etc. (although has not exactly covered himself in glory at school or home).

I wondered if anyone else thought I was bu.

OP posts:
phipps · 08/10/2010 19:30

Why did you show him where you were going? It is obvious he would assume he is going as he has before.

sparkle12mar08 · 08/10/2010 19:32

Are you saying you'll still take DN but not his other brothers/sisters? It's a bit confusing.

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:33

Well I showed him where we were going because we're about to book, with four other families. He mentioned it a while ago and DP told him they would not be able to come. THere will be other children his age, kids of our friends.

Now he's in his room sulking.

OP posts:
niceday · 08/10/2010 19:33

YANBU. Is this the only time he sees them? Maybe organise a week end together.
And just give him time to get used to the idea of holiday w/o them and something else to look fwd to

phipps · 08/10/2010 19:33

Can't say I blame him.

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:34

I know it's confusing!

DN is DP's sister's child. She and her husband died when he was a baby. THe other two are his brother's children. His brother has failed to provide for them at all really, so we took them to help his mum out.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:35

He can see them whenever he wants. They all now live in the same city.

Phipps, of course I agree.

I would let him bring a friend from school but now feel I can't offer that as it wouldn't make sense.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 08/10/2010 19:37

OP is taking her DN Phipps, but doesn't want to go with his cousins (is that right mamateur?) From what you say, - that you will have to run round after the cousins - I don't think you are BU. Your DN will be fine when you get there and I'm sure will have a good time, in fact he's much more likely to enjoy it if you are having a good time and don't feel stressed.

Ragwort · 08/10/2010 19:37

I really can't understand why you showed him where you were going and then you go on to say there will be other children his age there ............. poor kid must be really, really confused. I do appreciate it must be difficult (am currently minding a relative's child - I know its not easy) but please, be the bigger person and take him on holiday.

activate · 08/10/2010 19:38

can't the mum and cousins come and stay nearby so you could meet up but they're not your responsibility

although i don't think your'e unreasonable not to take them and the child will get used to it - also have the other families you're going with round for a big meal and give them lots of ds / gaming time so he can see how fun holiday mode can be

Ragwort · 08/10/2010 19:39

Oh, didn't quite understand that you are taking DN with you but not the other two (is that right??) - it all sounds totally confusing to me - good luck whatever you do.

sparkle12mar08 · 08/10/2010 19:39

Gotcha - the other children are DN's cousins. I think all you can do is just talk to him about it when he brings it up. That this time you're really looking forward to time as a family, that the elder cousin perhaps wants to do his own thing for a bit, and that yes money is an issue. As niceday says, perhaps also offer to set up a weekend's visit for him and get him involved in planning the activities for that too.

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:40

Ragwort, we are taking DN. He is now a permanent member of our family. I am just getting used to this change which has been a pretty massive deal for me and not ones I've had much support with. I just don't want to take two extra children with us. I also have DS since we last took the other two on holiday.

Thanks Kurri Smile.

OP posts:
magnolia74 · 08/10/2010 19:40

ragwort, she is taking him Hmm its his cousins she doesn't want to take Smile

phipps · 08/10/2010 19:41

I was also confused ragwort.

ImSpartacus · 08/10/2010 19:41

You are being perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:42

The older cousin has apparently been asking DN if he and his sister will be invited.

OP posts:
peggotty · 08/10/2010 19:42

The OP's DN is going on holiday, it's the cousins who aren't coming. I think yanbu to want to have a holiday with just your DN, DS and DH. Your DN will get over it, especially since you're going with other families who presumably have children for your DN to play with.

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:45

Thanks Pegotty. He has learned with his granny to play guilt trips and boy is he trying to play them on me. I'll try to just be positive about it. I would actually be really happy if he made a good friend at school and they could come. That to me would be a good investment in his future. He never sees his cousins at any other time, although he would like to, they're just not that interested, unless there's a holiday involved.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 08/10/2010 19:46

I think you need to explain in more detail why they cant come..you want to spend special time with him and DS and you will do something with his cousins another time...he was probably looking forward to it so his reaction is understandable..

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:47

MCP, I absolutely agree with you. But when I talk to him about anything like that he looks at me like I'm nuts and walks out. 12 is a difficult age, I'm learning.

OP posts:
OkayGrrl · 08/10/2010 19:48

Yanbu, your nephew will get over his cousins not coming when you actually get to your destination, like you said he'll find other children to play with there.

Mumcentreplus · 08/10/2010 19:53

So i see!!mama...I think right now this is just his initial reaction.. give him some time to warm up to the idea..I think he will be fine once he's come to terms..it will work out...

nzshar · 08/10/2010 20:05

FFS read the bloody op properly before answering please! I think you are being absolutely reasonable mamateur. You have your ds and now dn to think about. The cousins involved have their mum to take them on holiday, as you say she is in a better place financially now. Must say you have been very good to your extended family in the past its only fair to focus on your "family" now. :)

DetectivePotato · 08/10/2010 20:11

You say he has become good at guilt tripping granny. Don't let him guilt trip you! Once he does it, he will do even more.

YANBU to not want to take DNs cousins as well, again. Their own bloody father should step up. Why can't their mother take them somewhere?

He will enjoy it once he is there.