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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel mean but resolute

71 replies

mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:26

A month or so ago we brought DP's DN to live with his. He's been brought up by his granny (orphaned as a baby) but chose to come and live with us in a different city because he wanted to change schools (problems with behaviour in general). He's 12.

For the past three years, since I met DP, we've taken him on holiday with DP's brother's children (DP's brother is useless father and they wouldn't really have much of a holiday without it).

This year I feel I don't want to take them on holiday with us. I now have DN and that's been a big change for me (we have DS, 12 months plus I work). The younger child is sweet but the older one is now 17 and I find him a bit difficult if I'm honest. I've talked to their mum and she completely understands. She has recently been able to go back to work and will be able to afford to take them somewhere herself.

I just feel we should focus our efforts and our money on DN for now. I will end up looking after them for the whole holiday (DP pretty much just ornamental in that department), cooking and clearing up etc.

So this evening I showed DN where we might be going and all he wanted to know was if they could come with us. I said no, because of money and space issues. He looked really upset and I feel mean, because actually we probably could organise for them to come I just don't want them to come because it'll make it much less enjoyable for me, less time with DS etc.

But he has had a lot of change etc. (although has not exactly covered himself in glory at school or home).

I wondered if anyone else thought I was bu.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 20:12

Thanks nzshar, the truth is I'm struggling with DN as it is.

OP posts:
JoanHolloway · 08/10/2010 20:16

It doesn't sound mean at all.

YANBU (and I like your name)

nzshar · 08/10/2010 20:17

I am in no doubt of that taking on a 12 year old is no mean feat. I found the 11 through 14 years with dss hard and have it all to come again with ds but it seems like your heart is in the right place and thats half the battle I think :)

FakePlasticTrees · 08/10/2010 20:19

Well if he's trying to guilt trip you, you should respond like you've not noticed he's upset and be unspeakably chipper - it's sooo annoying when you're trying to sulk if your sulking goes unnoticed.

YANBU to just want a holiday with your family unit, of which he is now part.

BTW - it sounds like you've done a lot for your DH's family, you should be feeling proud of what you've done, not mean for not doing more.

ValentinCrimble · 08/10/2010 20:19

Can you not take the younger one? At 17 the difficult one should not expect to come....but seems a shame to leave the younger one out.

nzshar · 08/10/2010 20:22

ValentinCrimble why do you think its mamateur and her husbands responsibility to take the younger cousin on holiday? They have a mother and father, even if the father dosen't step up.

GibbyS · 08/10/2010 20:23

I think it is unreasonable for DP only to be "ornamental" about looking after the children - including HIS DN. You need more support, as you said.

Original poster
mamateur · 08/10/2010 20:32

Thanks Joan

Gibby, I know. You are so right. The first two times we went away with all of them I spent the whole week trying to make meals they would all eat. The older boy is very very fussy, i.e. he won't have anything with butter in it, no potato or pasta. The last time we had them I was 39 weeks pregnant and trailed around with them in the boiling heat forking out money for fairground rides etc. DP just doesn't do cooking, but cooking is such a big part of looking after children.

We are having big row debate about his role in this.

Detective that's very true. I do bright and breezy when he sulks. I'm reading around it too. I recently observed him with his granny and couldn't believe how much control he had over her. I'm not blaming him (I blame granny a LOT though, another story) - these strategies develop.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 08/10/2010 22:50

mama ignore ignore ignore..you are doing well!..it's hard to see another person undermining or placating his behaviour but you can see it for what it is..well done and keep going..

mumbar · 08/10/2010 22:58

YANBU and your an absolute saint by the sounds of your OP. Put velcro on your guns and stick to them Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2010 23:08

Was that the granny who gave the child a full glass of champagne, or am I mixing you up with someone else?

Original poster
mamateur · 09/10/2010 09:19

thanks, I'm definitely not a saint and I don't think we're doing particularly well. At the moment I feel like DN is lodging with us and parented remotely by granny (yes Annie, it was 3 glasses of bucks fizz). I'm reading this book which gives good insight into breaking the cycle.

I've now had a conversation with granny (my MIL) and she won't be buying him anything else after last weekend's x-rated computer game Angry.

OP posts:
maryz · 09/10/2010 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shitemum · 09/10/2010 09:57

Maybe you could do a day trip to somewhere nice with the cousins? Maybe your DN thought he'd be spending more time with them now he lives in the same town and is disappointed about this. You say they're not interested unless there's a holiday involved. Maybe help DN build up a relationship with them that doesn't involve holidays but lets him see them now and then?
YANBU tho...

ScroobiousPip · 09/10/2010 10:03

Mamateur, understand where you are coming from, you sound brave to take on so much.

From your DN's perspective though, going on holiday with 2 adults (not yet, perhaps, viewed in the 'parent' role, although that will no doubt follow) and a 12mo baby sounds pretty boring for him. There will inevitably be times when he is left hanging round while the baby needs feeding/changing etc.

Could you offer to take the younger cousin with you as company for DN? The 17yo should be adult enough to understand not being invited.

Original poster
mamateur · 09/10/2010 10:10

Thanks for all your encourage. It's been very difficult finding our way through the first few weeks. There has been more than one post!

Whenever I try and arrange something with the cousins, they have other stuff going on. The younger one is a girl and the older one has his friends etc.

Maryz thanks, he's settling in really well at school, although he's had some detentions (2 in the first week!) one for rudeness and the next one for not bothering to go to the first. Discipline seems quite tight though, and I think he was just seeing what would happen. He says he really likes school. We've improved the bedtime routine and he now goes off on time in the morning having had breakfast and brushed his teeth. This has been my first achievement! I think he's making friends. If one particular one were to emerge, I would definitely offer to take him with us on the holiday.

The holiday is with three other families, loads of kids, several around his age, so taking extra ones isn't strictly necessary.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2010 10:20

I think if you just want to take your nephew that´s fine.

It´s a shame that it seems to be expected that because you took all of the cousins previously then you always should, rather than just being grateful that you did iyswim.

How about the cousins are taken on holiday by their own parents for a change?

MyPrettyFloralBonnet · 09/10/2010 10:27

I'm probably talking crap here (it has been known on the odd occasion!) but how about selling it to him as a special holiday for just his little family i.e. you, dp, ds, and him, kind of like 'we're so happy you're living with us permanently we want this holiday to be just Us'.

Maybe you don't make that distinction and it might just be me being weird but for example it was my birthday a couple of months ago and dp asked me what I wanted to do on the day, all I wanted to do was go out with dp and ds on our first family outing, and whilst we stopped off on the way home to see my parents I had a nice special day with my new family. So maybe make a big deal about him belonging to your family group and thats why you don't want anyone else there.

I hope any of that makes sense, painkillers and sleep deprivation do not make for coherant thoughts!

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/10/2010 10:29

YANBU mamateur, you have 2 more DC than you had last time around. Don't feel guilty.

ScroobiousPip · 09/10/2010 10:31

Mamateur - just seen our latest post about going on holiday with other families with children. In that case, YANBU.

Sounds like a really hard time all round though, with DN perhaps testing the boundaries of his new 'parents'. Good luck.

Original poster
mamateur · 09/10/2010 10:34

Hello MyPretty, holiday is with at least 3 other families (villa sleeps 18) so my idea is he should mix with the other kids. I do agree about building a family though, we try to do stuff together but unfortunately we're always competing with some computer game he wants to get back to. It's a shame, before the computer arrived he always wanted to be with us, came with me even if I was just going to the shops. Hope you feel better (fully sympathise on the sleep deprivation front, DS woke at 5.30...).

He just always wants things exactly his way and leaves the room immediately if he doesn't get it. If you don't agree, he looks at you like you're a total moron. I'm working on his behaviour but frankly it's a lonely battle as DP's social skills are such that he doesn't really notice DN's failings. Well, they were both brought up by the same woman!

OP posts:
pressyourthumbs · 09/10/2010 10:38

Yadnbu, he will be fine with the other kids there.

Original poster
mamateur · 09/10/2010 11:23

I've put a pic of him with his little brother on my profile, so you know it's not all bad news!

OP posts:
cory · 09/10/2010 11:39

I did get your first post and I do think you are doing a wonderful job here.

Can I just say one thing:

You must get out of the habit of blaming every single annoying trait in him, like guilt tripping, on having been spoilt by his gran- it only makes it harder for both of you! Everything you tell us about him- in this and previous threads- strikes me as completely normal for 12yo boys.

I can assure you my 10yo has been carefully parented by two splendidly consistent and no-nonsense parents (me!!! Grin), but we still can't make as much as a 4 hour trip into the country without a constant chorus of moaning and whingeing and guilt tripping. In fact, I can't walk with him as far as the traffic lights without being made to feel that I am an embarrassment and a threat to his street cred (I use this to my advantage: if I really don't want to go out in the rain, I put on my most unfashionable coat ). It's what pre-teen boys do. It's them hormones! The only reason your own ds isn't doing it yet is that he is 12 months old. His time will come.

Of course it is harder for you because you are making such a big sacrifice taking him on. But he can't stop being a pre-teen boy just because he owes you one.

Yes, it is very possible that his gran has contributed to the situation. And that his unsettled early life has. But tbh the amount of sulking a normal 12yo gets through is on such a scale that the difference is probably negligible.

Imho the answer is earplugs. And I don't intend to take them out until ds goes to college. But will continue to don "Charles Dickens" whenever the weather looks threatening.

Floopy21 · 09/10/2010 11:49

Completely understand you not taking him, but maybe he's sulking because you rubbed his face in it? No need to show him, etc.