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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel mean but resolute

71 replies

mamateur · 08/10/2010 19:26

A month or so ago we brought DP's DN to live with his. He's been brought up by his granny (orphaned as a baby) but chose to come and live with us in a different city because he wanted to change schools (problems with behaviour in general). He's 12.

For the past three years, since I met DP, we've taken him on holiday with DP's brother's children (DP's brother is useless father and they wouldn't really have much of a holiday without it).

This year I feel I don't want to take them on holiday with us. I now have DN and that's been a big change for me (we have DS, 12 months plus I work). The younger child is sweet but the older one is now 17 and I find him a bit difficult if I'm honest. I've talked to their mum and she completely understands. She has recently been able to go back to work and will be able to afford to take them somewhere herself.

I just feel we should focus our efforts and our money on DN for now. I will end up looking after them for the whole holiday (DP pretty much just ornamental in that department), cooking and clearing up etc.

So this evening I showed DN where we might be going and all he wanted to know was if they could come with us. I said no, because of money and space issues. He looked really upset and I feel mean, because actually we probably could organise for them to come I just don't want them to come because it'll make it much less enjoyable for me, less time with DS etc.

But he has had a lot of change etc. (although has not exactly covered himself in glory at school or home).

I wondered if anyone else thought I was bu.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/10/2010 11:51

OP is taking the boy she showed the pics to-he lives with her!

cory · 09/10/2010 11:53

I had a tough time 2 years ago when dd was 11 so I can sympathise. I decided to turn down an offer abroad which would have given us all a chance to emigrate. Dd was convinced that I had ruined her chances of a good life forever, she did not speak to me for days and sulked for about 6 months, was still making pointed remarks a year later. Very tough, because I couldn't be sure she wasn't right.

But that's what you get with parenting older children: they are old enough to understand when life is tough and young enough to blame it on you.

MyPrettyFloralBonnet · 09/10/2010 12:02

Oops, sorry missed that bit!

Maybe he wants his cousins there as a kind of safety net, in case he doesn't get on with the other kids. He'll probably have a lovely time once he gets there, although that's no consolation for you at the moment so good luck.

They both look lovely by the way

YunoYurbubson · 09/10/2010 12:09

Is anyone else as irritated as I am by everyone saying she shouldn't have showed him the pictures of he's not going?

He IS going

It was all pretty clear in the OP I thought.

PosieParker · 09/10/2010 12:14

So you have DN that lives with you, DS and DNs that don't live with you but have been on holiday with you?

Now you are not taking DNS because you're taking two dcs that live with you? Fair enough. Perhaps you could plan a day trip with all four? And perhaps you need to sit down and chat about this decision with your DNs to explain.....

cory · 09/10/2010 12:19

What Posie says, but I also think you may need to accept that he is going to whinge and you will be made to feel guilty, because that's the way things are atm. The most reassuring thing (for all of you) is for you to have made up your mind, carry out your resolution and not show that you are upset by his reaction. Let him feel that he can safely let his feelings out (as long as he is not overtly rude or violent), and that it won't change the way you feel about him.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/10/2010 12:28

I would explain why you are not taking his cousins, but after that I would stop talking about it. I think, as parents, we try so hard to be fair and reasonable that we sometimes end up over justifying our decisions to our DCs.

I don't know if you have legal custody, but you talk about grannys 'remote' parenting. I know you've spoken to her, but I think it's very important that she treats both your children the same from now on, as you are now the parent of the 12 year old as well as your new baby. It wouldn't be good for her to undermine you with the 12 year old, even if she is well meaning.

Children will exploit any sign of indecision or difference between the adults who care for them, so I think you have to stick to what you want to do and get extended family to support you,

I do also think that your DH should be helping more. You have made major changes in order to benefit his family and he ought to be pulling his weight.

I think you are doing a fab job.

Original poster

mamateur · 09/10/2010 12:49

I think it will build his confidence if he does go (and of course, he's going). In his upbringing with granny I think she reinforced his fear of new things - she used to say to me, he won't do that, he doesn't like doing x or y, and he says to me very often, I won't do that, i don't do things like that. It was easier than confronting any issues. He even knows the other children who're going as we went on a short break with them last year. He wants to go with his cousins because it is the least challenging thing to his comfort zone.

DP should of course be helping more.

OP posts:

cory · 09/10/2010 12:53

Yes, just keep repeating to yourself that you are doing the right thing. You are!!!!

(but please take on board my point that this is normal behaviour for his age group. Seriously, it is).

Original poster

mamateur · 09/10/2010 20:08

Cory I do appreciate input on what's normal 12 yo behaviour! I actually think maybe DN is pretty good, he's kind and gentle (brilliant with DS) and often hilariously funny. The 'problem' is he always looks for the easiest way out of anything, incredibly lazy. I suppose that's normal. We are giving him lots of incentives to do things. Which is why it's such a problem when granny buys him every expensive thing he asks for. I've told her every gift she buys him is a wasted opportunity, in that it could have been a reward. I've said if she buys anything else I'm taking it away and he can earn it. I really hope I don't have to!

We have also been offered some free family therapy which could be interesting.

OP posts:

maryz · 09/10/2010 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 09/10/2010 21:57

mamateur - I remember your posts a while ago, talking about when he came to live with you.... somehow I've missed the ones where he is living with you! You are amazing.12 year old boys can be bloody hard work and that's when you've had them for the adorable baby/toddler stage - getting one already at that age is v v v difficult.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse - plenty of us here, I'm sure one of us lives near enough. He is his nephew - he needs to step up to the plate NOW with BOTH boys and around the house! Neither of them are solely your responsibility!!

..Oh and about what you actually posted about of course YABU, just take DN on his own - it will be a good opportunity for him to make friends. Is it possible for him to meet the other kids beforehand if he hasn't already?

Original poster

mamateur · 10/10/2010 10:39

Hehe Chipping, form an orderly arse-kicking queue! He's taking him out today as for once he isn't working. We're trying to work out now what we can do. I'm hoping things will get easier when we move (we're trying to break our rental contract now and move into my flat) as we'll have more space and a proper place to eat together.

Maryz I think you're right about the novelty of us wearing off a bit. I'm letting him spend as much time as he likes on the computer at the moment so long as he goes to bed at 9.30. We've tried getting him to spend time on his homework but frankly what they give him is so easy it's a joke. We're aiming to get him into a sport but meeting a lot of resistance.

OP posts:

maryz · 10/10/2010 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heracles · 10/10/2010 17:14

Just go by yourself. Ah, nice!

ChippingIn · 11/10/2010 15:25

mamateur - you knew I meant YANBU didn't you :)

It's so easy to say from the outside looking in, but really, limit computer time. It doesn't do anyone, any good and it's not going to help you all gel as a family. Also, it will become (if it isn't already) habit/default way of spending time and it's just not healthy

I don't envy you doing this at all and I hope one day he appreciates it :) (it will be a longggggg way off though!!)

Original poster

mamateur · 12/10/2010 07:31

Hey Chipping, things have been surprisingly easy really so far - we're waiting for things to kick off I suppose. We will definitely limit his computer time but I'm letting it ride till we move, have TV (we don't have tv although DN can watch stuff on the internet) and he has more friends and general stuff going on. If there is such a thing as the addiction gene, DP's family have it for sure.

On Friday afternoons, the school finishes early but offers an optional activity for four hours. Not surprisingly, he's taken the option of running home to play on his computer instead. We're thinking of starting with this, perhaps with an incentive, telling him he HAS to do it.

It's a big thing to take on, and I try not to think too much about the difficult years to come, but I really don't want to bring DS up in a war zone! DP is very imposing and will basically be very strict with him. DN is definitely 'scared' of him in that when he's done something wrong he steers well clear. At all other times they are close. His approach is very different to my reasoning/incentive/reward one and I've worried he'll be too much (of course he would never be physical) but then I thought that actually it's no bad thing. He leaves all the day-to-day negotiations to me, backs me up but would come in a tear a strip off him if he did something really out of line. He also wants to help him a lot academically.

He feels if we steer him through these years without him going off the rails (drink and drugs have decimated his family), gets reasonable qualifications and understands how to work and respect others, then we will have done him a massive favour. Of course we'll also give him a warm and loving home, although I'm unsure he'll ever really "let us in" emotionally, he stonewalls all that sort of thing, always has.

thanks

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 12/10/2010 08:52

YANBU, things have changed in your family set up so it is quite reasonable not to continue doing things you used to just because it was always done that way before.j I would think that the holiday would be nice home to focus on your new family unit.

scaryteacher · 12/10/2010 09:35

The thing to remember about 12 year old boys is that they are basically egotestical (yes, that's spelled correctly, read the word carefully), and that they are beginning to go through rapid brain changes which effectively takes them back to toddlers. I still look at my almost 15 yo ds and say 'keep calm, toddler about'.

onmyfeet · 12/10/2010 09:58

Yanbu, and sound like you are doing everything right. Being upbeat and explaining. He will adjust to holidays without them.
Regarding the sports, how about a martial arts class? That may appeal to him, and they teach self discipline and so on.
I think you are a great auntie, and will make a positive difference in his life.

Original poster

mamateur · 12/10/2010 10:20

haw haw at egotesticals... they certainly have little gratitude at this age. An extra battle for me is that granny has spoiled him rotten and he's used to having exactly what he wants to eat plus loads of sweets etc. I've refused to get these, well just a few and he always scoffs them on the day the shop arrives. He is disgusted that we only have pudding a couple of times a week. This morning I found he'd eaten all the baby puddings and the chocolate cake decorations left over from DS' birthday!

I'm a 'pleaser' by nature and have to keep steeling myself to not do things to please him. Not having sweets every day will not hurt him. He is cross with me for things like, I won't pay for him to buy a fizzy drink with his lunch. Apparently the water in the school fountain 'isn't very cold', FGS!

OP posts:

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