Would you do this - Leaving your young DCs for child-free holiday?

[angel1976]

Have 2 DSs and love them to death! DS1 is 2.7 and DS2 is 11 months old. It's been hard work having two so close in age; DS2 suffers from reflux (still does and only now going on medication...) but they are entirely gorgeous and scrumptious and I know how lucky I am that they are both healthy. My family is overseas so no help from there. In-laws are very hands-on when available but on their terms (fair enough, they have their own lives) so help is fairly spaced out - we go visit overnight for one weekend every six weeks and they will pop up for the day now and then so we see them every 3 weeks or so. Have a friend who helps babysit once a month so DH and I could go out for dinner / night out.

But our relationship has suffered in the last few years with the kids' arrival. I feel really stretched thin, DH took on a more demanding job when DS1 arrived and things have really kicked off (in a good way) for him there, so at the end of the day, we are both knackered. But we do love each other but sometimes, it's just hard to get back to the way things were (not sure if that is entirely realistic anyway!). And of course, we both adore the children. We just don't have 'us' time anymore. He works very hard for us and I know that. Before I get attacked for wanting to have a 'child-free' holiday, we have gone on plenty of overseas trips and the kids always come with us and they are very well-travelled for their ages. DH also knows that I love our family and I do a lot at home so he doesn't have to worry about the running of the household as such.

So it's his 30th birthday in a month and I have planned a week-long trip overseas to somewhere he's always wanted to go as a surprise. ILs will have the children and I've arranged the time off from his work. I am about to take voluntary redundancy so have some spare cash to spend on this trip. But now the time is getting near and I can't help but think if I am being too selfish in planning a trip like this and leaving the children. I have NO doubt about ILs' caring for our DCs - DS1 loves them to death and vice versa. I think it will be a great bonding experience for them. But god, I feel so bad about leaving DS2 who is a complete mummy's boy! Will my little boy forget about me after a week? :(

But on the other hand, I know deep in my heart that DH and I need this time away to rediscover our relationship. I don't think we are going to split up anytime soon but I can see that if something doesn't change, we are in real danger of that in a few years' time! I would not have organise a trip like that if I didn't feel that DH and I really need it to work on our relationship. My thinking is that: it's better for our DCs to spend a week without their parents than for them to have two unhappy (and separated?) parents in the future iykwim? And they will be with GPs who adore them and vice versa. And I can only afford this because of my redundancy, I doubt I will be organising a trip like that for a while!

If at any point I feel my DCs are not up for the separation, I would cancel the trip in a heartbeat! But I so do want to put DH's and my relationship first for this week but I feel like such a bad mother? AIBU to go on this trip? And would you? Really interested in opinions here. Thanks. :)

I think in a way it is easier for the grandparents to look after an 11 month baby and a toddler than 2 energetic full of beans older ones. So if you don't do it now it might be harder to do next year.

Well, it sounds like you really want and need this time alone with your DH, which I don't really feel (not sure what this says about us really! ), but equally I don't feel like we've ever had the option to do so for as long as a week. Go and enjoy!

Go for it. And don't feel bad. The best thing for kids is a good marriage!

You should absoluetly go and enjoy it.

DH and I are having our very first child free holiday in January. Like you I battled with the idea of it, but spoke to someone in work who has one family holiday and one adult holiday every year and she swears by it.
Me and DH have never been away together without the dc's.

I know I will miss them, and will phone every day, but the thought of a plane journey watching a film/reading/listening to ipod without anyone clambering over me, or wanting me to cut up a roll, or needing the toilet is just lovely. Also the dream that is being able to lie in every day pure bliss.

Go and enjoy, your dcs will be having their own mini holiday

I think it's quite depressing that you are already envisaging splitting up with your DH in the future just because you're parents now and - shock! horror! - children take up a lot of time and energy

Having said that you have now got me contemplating a weekend away with DH and leaving DD (aged 5) with family. Only a weekend though, might work up to a week by the time she's 35

YANBU go for it, I'm

Your DC will be with close family, not strangers/hired help so they will be loved and cared for. Invest in your relationship, hopefully securing a happy, long future for your family as it is now.
So many parents split up cos they have forgotten toi invest in themselves.

I speak, btw, as a complete do as I say not as I do! DD is 2 and still not been away overnight
Need to get my arse into gear and sort summat out with DP. Enjoy your trip.

Bear in mind:

Today, you feel pressure to hover over them, spooning in lovingly made purees, and lovingly applying sudocream.

Tomorrow you'll be trying to get them excited about phonics and telling them reading is cool.

the day after, you'll be stroking their hair, telling them that it's OK that their best friend is being mean to them.

.... And then you'll be looking for the right words to guide them through being teenagers.

IMO it's a mistake to over-invest in any one stage. Invest in yourself, your dh and your relationship, so that you still have the petrol In the tank to meet the new challenges as they come around.

YANBU for wanting to do this or even doing it.

I personally couldn't have done it and TBH, DD is now 8y, I still don't think I could. DD goes away sometimes on school trips and next year wih my parents - but has been 4 nights max, and I miss her loads, DH prbably misses her even more, lol.

But each to their own.

Your children are going to be very well cared for by people who love them dearly. They will be safe and happy. You can easily contact them and you can speak with your eldest.

You and your DH need some breathing space together. If this is what feels right, then go ahead and enjoy it - and don't feel guilty.

Ignore the smug fucks who tell you that you shouldn't do it. Motherhood does not mean always sacrificing yourself, you do not always have to come last on the list.

I'm with Hula - I personally couldn't, I would hate leaving my DD's for a whole week.

However, if you have the option there and you would feel comfortable going then go for it.

I could do it for 3/4 days/nights - we are for our wedding anniversary next year but I know I will be a wreck - DD's wont bat an eyelid though

YANBU - I have left DS (2.9) with my mum many times while we had a short break and yes Ds has been on my mind and we do phone to check how he is - but we always have a great time. DCs will have a lovely little "holiday" as well.

There's no right or wrong answer here. My view is that your kids will be happy and well cared for with their grandparents and it's only for a week, so why not.

Just because other people here wouldn't do it, it doesn't mean they're better parents than you or that they love their kids more than you do. You want to go, so go. Sounds like the trip will do you both good.

Go for it! Much easier to leave them now, as others have said will be harder when older. We did it when dc young, now my folks are too old so am doomed to next however many years with no lovely hotels and time with dh. Yes, you will miss them, but they'll be fine and you will be even better mummy when you return.

There are three good reasons for starting young

1. It just comes naturally to the DCs and they have no worries-it is home from home.
2. Make the most of it-if you wait then grandparents can get too old/or have health issues and can no longer do it.
3. It gives DCs happy memories of times with grandparents.

Thank you for all your lovely posts!

Sassybeast In terms of illness, we are going to trust that the GPs will be able to deal with it and if it's a real emergency, we will be on the first flight back! No doubt about that at all. DH would love the surprise. And not having DCs with us meant he could lie in and sleep all day if he wanted. That's what he misses most about being a dad, the lack of sleep!

Laquitar Funnily enough, I was talking to a friend of mine today and she was saying how her parents are taking her DSs less now they are older (6 and 4) as they find them harder to entertain.

DomesticGoddess I wish, wish, wish I was one of those parents who love their DCs so much they never need time away from them, I really do. But at this point of time, it's just been a tough slog. I love my DCs but I am just not a baby person and have struggled through the first year of both my DSs' lives, don't know what that says about me either but my love for them is 100%!

Altinkum What can I say? Have fun and do come back and tell me how it went if you have the time and not completely shagged out!

NoelEdmondshair DH and I waited for 5 years after we got married before we had children but the transition from just a couple to parents with two very young children have been really hard. I sometimes feel ashamed to admit it but the children have really tested out relationship in a way nothing has before BUT they have also cemented our relationship. I know we will make it but at the moment, everything's rather foggy from the lack of sleep and sheer exhaustion!

MrsArch That is my greatest fear - that we end up sacrificing our marriage for our children and no one benefits in the end!

Slyvanian Wise words indeed!

Piscesmoon You sum the reasons up a lot better than I ever could!

Thank you all for sharing all your thoughts and stories.

Angel, believe me I do need time away from DS and I could never have 2 together as close as you have - hence the fact he is 4 in December and DS2 is due any day! What I meant was DH and I don't "need" a break together, it would be nice, but not essential - but perhaps we should be putting more emphasis on OUR relationship.

Have a lovely time!

DomesticGoddess Good luck for the birth! I hope it goes well... We had two close together cos I think if we waited, we would never have a second one! The first 6 months was pure hell for me as DS2 threw up badly everyday. And DS1 was going through a particularly challenging stage also known as the terrible twos. I think I channelled all my energy into just surviving everyday! But it's just getting to the stage now where I'm really enjoying my days with DS1 and DS2 (just watching DS1 feeding DS2 rice krispie by rice krispie is enough to melt anyone's heart!). Things aren't bad between DH and I now, just that we aren't talking/communicating as much as we used to and I want to change that. if you can find the time, do drop us a note on this thread when your DS2 is born! :)

everyone needs a break, and if i were you i would go for it! we get a weekend together just staying at home every one or two months and we really need it. I love my ds (2) so much, but im only human and not having to wake up early, do nappies, organise my day around him is utter bliss. I would have no problems leaving him for a longer period of time, i think the longest i've left him is 2 nights. You and your DH obviously need this time, and tbh your dc will be utterly spoiled and the week will whizz past.

go. enjoy. relax. you'll both be better off for it.

Angel1976 - I hope you decided to go in the end and are already enjoying it....x

YANBU Didn't even have to read your post, just the thread title

Hi, I just wanted to update my OP (if anyone is still reading!). Last Saturday, we dropped the kids off at my ILs and we stayed till they were safely tucked up in bed (our flight wasn't till early next day!). My ILs were very re-assuring and seemed like they were really looking forward to having them for a week.

DH and I just got back from Tokyo tonight and we are exhausted (all day traveling!). We called most nights and the boys did brilliantly through the week, ILs kept telling us they were no problem at all! It was hard in the first few days... Due to the jetlag (and guilt!), I kept waking up a few times the first few nights dreaming that I was doing something for the boys! We had a brilliant time in Tokyo and just did stuff we couldn't have done with the boys, like eating loads (and as and whenever, how nice not to be 'ruled' by a routine!), going on a roller-coaster ride around a shopping centre, walking loads and exploring the city at our own pace, doing shopping etc etc. BUT we did miss the boys a lot, there was a lot of 'DS1 would have loved this...' etc etc. So we won't be making this a habit! I think I realised as well that I needed a break. The last few days with the boys, I was so teary and emotional cos I think the last 12 very intense months have finally caught up with me...

We bought lots of lovely nice presents for our boys and they are being dropped off tomorrow. I cannot wait to see them and give them massive kisses. I think the GPs have also really enjoyed getting to know each boy really intimately in a way they couldn't have before. Thank you all for your support. I am so glad we did the trip in the end as I think it has benefitted us all in ways we haven't quite expected! :)

Haven't read whole thread but I certainly hope YANBU- DP and I will be going for a 2 week honeymoon when DS is 2! We'll miss him terribly but it's our honeymoon!

Glad you had a good time BTW:)

I personally think a week is a long time so I would not. It sounds like you are looking for other mums to say it is ok for you to go, but yo are always going to get some who say go and others who think you shouldn't. Could you not just do a few days? Are you confident your dc's will be ok for a week? They are still very young for a week away in my opinion but that's just me and you need to do what you want to do.