Would you do this - Leaving your young DCs for child-free holiday?

[angel1976]

Have 2 DSs and love them to death! DS1 is 2.7 and DS2 is 11 months old. It's been hard work having two so close in age; DS2 suffers from reflux (still does and only now going on medication...) but they are entirely gorgeous and scrumptious and I know how lucky I am that they are both healthy. My family is overseas so no help from there. In-laws are very hands-on when available but on their terms (fair enough, they have their own lives) so help is fairly spaced out - we go visit overnight for one weekend every six weeks and they will pop up for the day now and then so we see them every 3 weeks or so. Have a friend who helps babysit once a month so DH and I could go out for dinner / night out.

But our relationship has suffered in the last few years with the kids' arrival. I feel really stretched thin, DH took on a more demanding job when DS1 arrived and things have really kicked off (in a good way) for him there, so at the end of the day, we are both knackered. But we do love each other but sometimes, it's just hard to get back to the way things were (not sure if that is entirely realistic anyway!). And of course, we both adore the children. We just don't have 'us' time anymore. He works very hard for us and I know that. Before I get attacked for wanting to have a 'child-free' holiday, we have gone on plenty of overseas trips and the kids always come with us and they are very well-travelled for their ages. DH also knows that I love our family and I do a lot at home so he doesn't have to worry about the running of the household as such.

So it's his 30th birthday in a month and I have planned a week-long trip overseas to somewhere he's always wanted to go as a surprise. ILs will have the children and I've arranged the time off from his work. I am about to take voluntary redundancy so have some spare cash to spend on this trip. But now the time is getting near and I can't help but think if I am being too selfish in planning a trip like this and leaving the children. I have NO doubt about ILs' caring for our DCs - DS1 loves them to death and vice versa. I think it will be a great bonding experience for them. But god, I feel so bad about leaving DS2 who is a complete mummy's boy! Will my little boy forget about me after a week? :(

But on the other hand, I know deep in my heart that DH and I need this time away to rediscover our relationship. I don't think we are going to split up anytime soon but I can see that if something doesn't change, we are in real danger of that in a few years' time! I would not have organise a trip like that if I didn't feel that DH and I really need it to work on our relationship. My thinking is that: it's better for our DCs to spend a week without their parents than for them to have two unhappy (and separated?) parents in the future iykwim? And they will be with GPs who adore them and vice versa. And I can only afford this because of my redundancy, I doubt I will be organising a trip like that for a while!

If at any point I feel my DCs are not up for the separation, I would cancel the trip in a heartbeat! But I so do want to put DH's and my relationship first for this week but I feel like such a bad mother? AIBU to go on this trip? And would you? Really interested in opinions here. Thanks. :)

Angel1976 Do it. Your children will be fine, you sound like you know your marriage needs it so imo yanbu.

Personally, I wouldn't but then my DS was an only child and was still bfing at 11mo. Also, I can remember being 4 when my mum went away for a week for uni and I remember missing her terribly (even with older siblings and dad around).

But, each to their own. If you think your DCs are ready and won't miss you too much then go.

If you'd posted to say "I'm off on another jolly without the kids and I don't have any problem leaving them regularly" then I'd be a bit but the point of family is that the WHOLE family has to work and be happy, and it sounds as though you and your dh need a bit of time together to make that bit OK again. So I'd say if you can find a way to do it where you are relaxed and the kids are happy then go for it. And don't feel bad doing it. Make it an adventure for them and they will be fine! :o

I couldn't do it - far to long for me, but then I have only left DS for 2 nights once, and DH was at home, and a few one nighters for weddings with DH. DS is almost 4 and I am expecting DS2 any day. But I know people who do it - their kids are used to spending a week with grandparents, and I sometimes feel a pang of envy....But I still wouldn't actually want to do it. DH wouldn't want to do it either as he doesn't see DS half as much as he would like anyway, so I don't think he'd even contemplate a holiday without him. He'd be more likely to suggest a holiday for all of us, with a kids club, which we have done. There will be plenty of time for holidays for just us when they are older and we embarrass them and they don't want to holiday with us.

The other thing I worry about, having STILL not done our wills, is the thought of both DH and I dying at the same time. Completely morbid I know, and just as likely to happen in a car crash in the UK.

But it sounds like you have thought it through, and you wouldn't have planned it if you didn't think it worked for your family, so trust your judgement. I am sure you will have a great time, and so will your DC. Your grandparents will also relish the time with them too.

Go and enjoy yourself.

My DD and SIL left their DD - our GD who was then 13 months old with us for 2 weeks while they had a much needed break in the USA.

It really did DD and SIL good with just the two of them and we had a wonderful time with GD. Although we live In Essex and they live on the south coast we had always seen a lot of our grand daughter so it wasn't as it she didn't know us.

That was 8 years ago and we now have 2 GD and they both come and stay for a week at least 4 times a year. The other GP's only live 40 minutes away from them but rarely babysit and will only having them for 2 nights at the most, as it is all they can manage. As far as we are concerned their loss, they apparently complain that the girls are not very close to them.

Do it!! We have no one to leave our DCs with and I would bite off the hand of anyone who offered to have them for a night

angel1976 - watch this video!!

mowbraygirl Nice to hear from the GP's POV! My worry is not so much for the children (I know they will be well looked after!) but more as to whether my ILs can cope. They are still very young and healthy but I know they love their sleep so that is my only worry - that DS2 will have a bad few nights but for me, I've done almost a whole year of that (bad night's sleep I mean!), it wouldn't kill them to have a few of those! But DS2 is sleeping well at the moment so fingers crossed. BUT I have given that plenty of opportunities to back out. Have continually checked with them that they are okay with it all and the last time I asked, they said they are really looking forward to it! :) DCs definitely know and love their GPs and I am really hoping this will cement their bond.

DomestGoddess You do have a good point and we have done plenty of holidays with them. We recently went longhaul to see my parents and then to Bali and it was really hard work for us but DS1 had the best time ever and DS2 enjoyed it as much as a 10-month-old could! And we are booked to go to Sharm next April for a whole week with the kids. DH and I cannot wait till DS2 is old enough (probably DS1's age now) so we can take them on all our escapades! This is definitely a one-off for now.

Thank you all for your best wishes! I really want DH and I to make it as a couple as much for us and for our little family... :)

Angel remember they have had a child themselves in their time - they know what they're letting themselves in for! Imagine yourself in 25 years time doing this for your own children to give them a break - you'd do it in a heartbeat, even if it meant a whole week of sleepless nights.

haven't go ttime to read the whole thread i'm on my way out so sorry if this has been said but if you and your dh really need this time then take it :)

surely its better for the whole family if you can rediscover your love for each other and will come back more relaxed and maybe closer? than you were before.... its a good thing for the family in the long run.

We've had about five long weekends away without DS

YANBU - go for it.

our dc are 6 and 4 and we are thinking that a week away is just what we need - think we should have done it sooner rally.

as everyone says, your relationship with dh is key to your family unit. if it needs a little tlc then go for it!

Go for it!!!

We have had at least 1 weekend away every year since the DCs were born. We were away for 4 nights recently and I was worried that I'd miss them too much, but it was fine. DCs (5 & 2.5) stayed with GPs and they had a ball.

I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my GPs and think it's great that my DCs and my parents are getting the chance to bond so much.

And it will be good for your relationship, which in turn is positive for your children. DH & I do have a strong relationship, but spending time alone really does make a difference for us. Just having time to talk without constant interuptions or having to clean up jam/ketchup/wee is fantastic. Not to mention the opportunity for morning sex

I go on a holiday on our anniversary every year and leave my son with my parents. It gives him time to spend with them as he doesn't see them often.

I think it is unhealthy to never leave your kids. I used to work with a woman who had a 10 and 12 year old and she never went out and was always with them at night. She wanted to go on a works night out and the children screamed and screamed and she couldn't go as they were so bad. She could go out to work but at night time she had to be at home no matter what. I felt so sorry for her

do it i had week break from dc went to teh us my mum came stayed looked after them yes i missed them but it was fantastic to have some me time and be me not a mum , mind not that saw that much of chicago but thats another story but thats kept me going through many rough time will never forget it

You are not a bad mother!
I also think it very unhealthy never to leave them.
It is lovely for the DCs and grandparents to have a relationship that doesn't involve you-it is entirely different.
I got mine used to being with grandparents from that age and then it was never strange-it was home from home and they were all very relaxed about it.
Life is not entirely within your control and if you were to be suddenly rushed off to hospital it is comforting to know that the DCs can go to a very familar environment with people who love them and no trauma.
Having time with DH will have a positive effect on your DCs-the worst thing possible is to let your relationship suffer because you always put the DCs first.Family relationships need balannce. Eventually the DCs will leave (it happens in a blink of an eye-looking back!)and DH will still be there.

I did this for DH's 40th when DS was 3. We only had 5 nights (I couldn't afford any more), and went off to Barcelona. DS stayed with my sister (my mum went to stay there too, so he had more attention than he normally got at home !!)

I arranged it all in secret (including getting his boss to block out his diary in advance, so he didn't book meetings for those days), collected DH from work and took him straight to the airport.

We had a super time, rested, ate in restaurants without interruptions, talked, snogged, talked ...... and really connected again.

DS was, of course absolutely fine, and not that fussy when we got back to him, simply because he was soooo happy with his aunt/uncle and granny. He liked his present, mind you!

Please please go, and have a lovely time. Your relationship with DH will benefit, and that has to be to the good of the family overall.

DO IT!!!

We didn't leave DS for a week when he was little, but my parents took him away for a week on holiday when he was 2. He absolutely loved it, I missed him like crazy but was glad he was having a good time and DH and I had some nice time together.

Treat it as a holiday for your babies too. It'll be fine!

DH and I have have always had the odd weekend away each year.
And now they are in secondary school I wouldn't worry about leaving them for longer - just don't get the chance.

I don't tink I would have left them for a week at the age of your DCs - but that's not to say you shouldn't.

Thank you for all your positive messages about re-connecting with your DH, I feel really strongly that we really need to do that now before it's all too late. Like a lot of you pointed out, my DH will be here for me and to grow old with while our DCs will leave us ultimately and have their own little families. And I do want to grow old with DH. :)

I have to admit I am very guilty of putting the DCs first all the time. And I know it's natural because I am their mother but I do feel sorry for DH sometimes when he comes back from a hard day's work and I can barely muster the energy to talk to him!

There have been occasions where we have had to leave their overnight with the GPs (a friend's big birthday, wedding etc) and I always worry about it before it happens but the DCs and GPs always seem to have a real blast. I am starting to get excited about the trip. Thank you all. I just wanted to do this one thing for us and just hope I am not a selfish mother for wanting that!

You are not being selfish. You were a couple before you became parents and it's good to have the chance to have some time out to re-connect.
You've clearly thought this through so don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

Your DCs will not be permanently traumatised by a week away from you in the care of people they are familiar with.
Didn't have the opportunity when mine were younger but wish I had. When I occasionally go nowadays, I always come back refreshed and the DCs never tell me that they wished I hadn't gone. No, they don't hate me

Hope you both have a fabulous time

How wonderful! Please go....and have fun:-)And don't give it a second though... Your kids will be fine. You are leaving them with grandparents!

I wouldn't for that length of time and for that distance. For me, one or two nights away within driving distance would be enough at that age. My concerns would be if it's a surprise trip, are you sure your DH will be up for leaving them ? And what happens if one of them is ill and needs you ? How easy will it be to get back ? If you're happy that both those bases are covered , then it's absolutely up to you

Lucky you, to have the option!

Go, enjoy, revel in it

Do it. It will be fine.

Don't think about it as 'abandoning' your DC. Think about it as giving them some space to develop an independent relationship with their grandparents.

perversely, ime, grandparents like to do a longer period of care. The first day they're getting their bearing, the second day they are sorted, the third day they're having fun.

I don't think you should martyr yourself to guilt . Your DC will benefit from knowing their extended family.