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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

oh I probably was wasn't I

73 replies

Whitby · 06/10/2010 19:54

Five years ago DP (now DH), went to work abroad. I was a single mum to DD. We went to spend the summer holidays with him (I'm a teacher). I was renting a little flat in a nice part of London. I was also a total total doormat.

Meanwhile a friend of mine (we were all mid twenties at this point), had moved to London to be with her boyfriend. He dumped her and she was staying with a series of friends on their sofas etc. Her kids lived with their dad in Luton and she needed somewhere to take them for her access weekends.

She asked if she could stay in my flat, paying me £500pm rent, while I was abroad, so her kids could have somewhere safe to be and she wouldn't have to keep imposing on friends.

I said yes with some misgivings. Part of the agreement was that my bedroom would be locked (she would have DD's double bedroom and the sofabed when her DCs were over).

When DD and I got back, the bin was full of maggots and there were carrier bags of chicken bones and other food rubbish piled up next to it, also maggoty. The flat was totally filthy with stamps (the rubber type), on the walls and woodwork. My bedroom door was still locked but all my clothes had been gone through a couple of dresses smelt very distinctly of her (she smoked). My dressing-gown cord had been used as wrist restraints when she'd had a guy over (I found out from him later, it was still tied to the bed). There were mice in the flat.

I'm a bit shit at confrontation but let my friend know that I was really miffed. She cried and apologised and begged me not to throw her out as she didn't have anywhere else to go. So she stayed in DD's room for another week, during which time we were broken into. The insurance wouldn't pay out as she'd left the window unlocked and they'd got in that way.

I got really upset with her and she went off on a huge rant, saying she'd lost her laptop too and who did I think I was charging her for staying somewhere when it wasn't costing me anything.

I asked her to leave, she left (but left all her stuff and all the kids' stuff behind, it took up most of DD's room). She'd left me two cheques for £500 - they both bounced. I contacted her to tell her this and she said she was sorry and she'd pay me back as soon as she could.

The next week I was putting DD's clothes back in her chest of drawers and found three pills (ecstasy), in a little plastic bag.

My friend went back to Luton, went on the dole and got a council flat. After repeated emails were ignored I told her I was moving and her stuff would be out on the street unless she came to collect it; she and her new boyfriend came to collect it and she said "I owe you almost a thousand pounds!", and said she'd pay me back £10 a week out of her benefits. She emailed me to ask for my bank details but nothing further transpired.

A couple of years ago she added me on facebook and I added her back out of curiosity really.

Last year she moved in with a guy and got a job with the local council.

Today she posted about getting a morgage and how she and this guy had a 30% deposit so why wasn't the rate better.

I messaged her saying "great to hear you're buying a place, does this mean you're going to pay me back?"

It was unreasonable, wasn't it.

She's replied now and I am too scared to open it!

OP posts:
lal123 · 06/10/2010 19:57

Open it, open it!! (Nosy emoticon)

oh - and no YwereNBU

jellyrolly · 06/10/2010 20:02

Do you know what I thought out of everything you said? What a nice person you must be to still refer to her as "my friend" after she was so awful to you!

And no, you are not BU. But she probably won't give it back to you.

Whitby · 06/10/2010 20:03

Oh she won't - I think IABa bit U to bring it up now after so many years of not saying anything.

I will post her response here! It is very PA!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 06/10/2010 20:05
prozacfairy · 06/10/2010 20:06

YANBU She is for being a blatant user. Open it like lal said and tell us what she said! I'd love to see how someone as a awful a friend as her can possibly wriggle out of this one....

peggotty · 06/10/2010 20:07

Your 'friend' sounds like a flakey nightmare of a woman! I don't think you were unreasonable at all to mention the money she's owes you 5 years later but you have diddley squat chance of getting it. I am intrigued to know her answer ......

Whitby · 06/10/2010 20:07

This is her response:

"Whitby, how much do you think I owe you?

I remember a £50 you lent me to get home when we met near X's house once but I thought I had paid that back. In my list of people-who-i-have-paid in online banking there is your name so I must have paid you something, although it will take me a while to phone the bank and find out how much it was and when because I can't remember.

There was some rent I didn't pay, but didn't you agree I was overpaying you anyway at £500 a month for a room that still had stuff in it? I paid you literally half of what I got while I was living there and struggled a lot when I had to move out and find a deposit. When I spoke to you at the time, you knew that and you'd said you were happy for the money I did manage to give you - it wasn't costing you anything to have me there.

I wish you would have said something about this before rather than getting upset about it. Have you been angry with me all this time?

We have been living on practically nothing, while we save up to buy a 1 bed flat, so our deposit is only £10k, and most of that is BF's. I haven't been to London for 5 years. I am getting made redundant in January so we are trying our hardest to get into a situation where we won't be dependant before that happens.

If you tell me how much you think I owe you then I will try and put some aside between now and january - however this message and the way you phrased it have come as a huge surprise."

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 06/10/2010 20:08

hmmmmm...

taintedpaint · 06/10/2010 20:08

I would've said it, it would've eaten away at me otherwise!

What did the reply say?

taintedpaint · 06/10/2010 20:08

oh x-post, sorry!

Whitby · 06/10/2010 20:09

(She was in London three years ago to collect the stuff from my flat but that's splitting hairs probably. I've been through my internet banking and can't see anything from her - I can search my statements right back to 1998, wow, didn't know that!)

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 06/10/2010 20:10

She's trying to back out of it then? Sounds like my scrounging dear cousin.

Whitby · 06/10/2010 20:11

She's making it up to me to say how much she owes - but letting me know they're on the breadline. Very clever and I already feel really guilty but cross too. Reminds me of actually being around her IRL!

OP posts:
phipps · 06/10/2010 20:11

That is actually a very clever email if she wants you to feel bad and not mention it again.

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/10/2010 20:12

Hmmm... She's good isn't she? She either has the most conveniently selective memory or she is hoping you won't press for the money.

FWIW I have a "friend" who owes me approx £1000 from about 8 years ago. I know I will never see a penny of it but, to be honest, I'd still help a friend in need and I bet you would too Smile

AnyFucker · 06/10/2010 20:12

oh dear

rewriting history and a master class in passive-aggression in her reply Hmm

just de-friend her, pronto

you will never get your money, and she is no friend

AgentZigzag · 06/10/2010 20:13

Going on her past behaviour, anything she says will just be a crock of shite, but you already know that Smile

YANBU to expect her to pay her debts, but I doubt she will.

I'd just delete her off your fb and forget you ever knew her, she sounds a right royal PITA, but you sound very patient, much more than I would have been.

mumbar · 06/10/2010 20:13

lurking with intent of knowing the outcome - oh and YANBU Smile

BitOfFun · 06/10/2010 20:13

Will you write back?

I would c&p much of your OP into a message to describe how you remember it, including the maggots, invasion of your room and the ecstasy tablets, and say that, yes, you were angry about how she abused your hospitality.

I would say that you have written the debt off, but a full and honest apology would have gone a long way to repairing your friendship if it had been forthcoming at the time.

AnyFucker · 06/10/2010 20:13

yup, belle, she is brilliant

I would love to be so blatantly obtuse

I am too bloody honest though Angry

Nancy66 · 06/10/2010 20:14

She's just one of life's takers....

DirtyMartini · 06/10/2010 20:16

God, how massively manipulative and shit.

I particularly like the little touches: "Have you been angry with me all this time?" Meaning: You terribly unreasonable, sad woman to still be carrying this dreadful grudge about a little matter like "some rent I didn't pay". How awful for you that you have been unable to move on, etc etc

Oh, and "how much do you think I owe you?" Hmm

So what are you gonna do now?

TrillianAstra · 06/10/2010 20:16

She is either a manipulative scrounger or an airhead who gets away with acting like a scrounger because people say 'oh she's just got her head in the clouds'.

  1. 'struggled a lot when I had to move out'? She agreed to pay £500 rent. If she couldn't afford it she should have said that at the beginning.

  2. 'A room that already had stuff in it'? She needed there to be stuff in it or else what would she have slept on/ate off of/tied her boyfriend to?

  3. 'Wasn't costing you anything'? Apart from the fact that if you had not had her there it would have been clean and tidy and there would not have been drugs in your dds drawers, this on is almost true.

taintedpaint · 06/10/2010 20:16

My cousin is exactly like that. If I ask her to pay me back what she owes me (similar amount to what you are owed) I actually get her saying "this is taking food out of my child's mouth", which I know very well it is not.

I would go right ahead and give her the figures, make it clear you know you never agreed she should pay less and see what the money-grabbing 'friend' comes back with.

FakePlasticTrees · 06/10/2010 20:16

well, I'd not let it drop after that! Perhaps say "you did give me 2 cheques that bounced. If you felt the amount of rent we agreed was too much at the time, you really shouldn't have accepted and moved in. I'm surprised you wrote those cheques if you didn't feel you owed me any money.

Oh, and dont worry, I don't really expect you to pay for replacing the items that were stolen due to your carelessness, it would have been my response if the situation was reversed - but I understand you're far more cavalier with other people's property."

She probably won't pay out, but let her realise you don't remember it her way...