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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dh to go to NYC and to hate him at this moment

60 replies

lecce · 05/10/2010 22:47

DH has been invited to NYC for 4 days next February to celebrate a friend's 40th. He is a sahd, I am a teacher and I have just gone back to work after a year's mat leave for ds2. Dh used to do regular, temporary work that mostly fitted in with the school holidays and was well paid. However, this all fell through just as my mat leave started and he has not worked since (Though obviously, he does now as a sahd).

As a result, we built up quite a bit of debt while I was off which we are now paying back with our tax credits. We got no extra last year when we needed it but get it now for last year because it is paid a year behind. We have a tiny mortgage, and we did have savings though we had to use them last year, and no other debts so we are fairly comfortable and should be debt free by early next year.

However, we certainly don't have money to waste and we want a bigger house in about 3 year's time so want to over-pay on the mortgage as much as we can once debt is cleared.

Fwiw, dh has already been to NYC twice, once with a friend and we got married there so not once-in-a-lifetime chance.

So aibu in thinking dh should not have even considered this trip, which would have to be paid for on a credit card just as it would otherwise be paid off? The friend in question is a good friend to dh in that they are in a band together, but not close in an emotional way, iyswim.

DH said HE knows it's not ideal but wanted me to think about it by tomorrow and then he'd agree with whatever I say. WE HAVE HAD a huge row as I say he's beng manipulative and passive-aggressive and will blame and resent me.

He then said he's not going and is too pissed off to talk but will be ok tomorrow. Meanwhile, ds2 has woken with a cold and I've brought him down, dh has just gone to sleep despite knowing I have work tomorrow and will now get no rest. He is clearly sulking and this will go on tomorrow as well.

AIBU in thinking he should never have mentioned the fucking trip as we can't afford it?

Sorry this is so badly written, ds is wriggling all over me and I'm a tad worked up.

OP posts:

JoanHolloway · 05/10/2010 22:49

YANBU at all.

If it has to go on a credit card, you can't afford it.

And that's that. And he knows it surely. You're not his mum, why should you have to tell him that?

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 22:51

Well, sulking and passive-aggression to one side, I agree that your DH should not be considering a 4 day trip to NY in your current family situation

PerArduaAdNauseum · 05/10/2010 22:51

Oooh, you're both all worked up aren't you? TBH, you might be U or not, but I don't think you'll know for yourself until you've calmed down a bit. How do you feel now you've typed it all out?

mamas12 · 05/10/2010 22:53

Well if he decides that he can afford to put it on a credit card then he can then tell you how he will be paying for it because you won't be.

The decision and responsiblilty will then be his.

Stick to this and mean it.

mumblechum · 05/10/2010 22:54

Well, number one, it's his JOB to get your ds off to sleep, so wake him up! You need to get a decent nights sleep as you have work in the morning.

Normally I'd say YABU to stop him going on a trip just because he isn't earning (lots of women expect their dhs to fund treats for them), but if it would have to go on a credit card then he shouldn't even have mentioned it imo.

Hulababy · 05/10/2010 22:55

If you can't afford it then he should't go, simple as that. You can't use a CC to pay for a holiday you can't afford - fine if it can be paid off asap but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Yes, your DH may be disappointed. But he isn;t a child. he needs to get over it and realise that as an adult he just can't do everything he wants.

I think choosing to spend money on a big trip for one of you, when you are financially still getting sorted, is quite selfish TBH. Any spare ought to be on things you can all share/do.

womblingfree · 05/10/2010 22:58

You say you'll be debt free by early next yr which is when the trip is, although I guess his going and putting it on cc would throw that back a bit.
Is there anyway he could pick up some of the work he used to do or get some evening/weekend work (am thinking Xmas cover in Tesco or something) that would enable him to put it on cc in the short term but not effect your long term budget plans?
I can see where you are coming from and I know what a pita sulky husbands can be, yanbu to consider the implications of him going, but maybe a bit u to hate him over it.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 22:59

I don't think OP was saying he couldn't go on trip because he isn't earning

did I miss summat ?

I think her objections are due to the family's financial situation, irrespective of how it has transpired

sundew · 05/10/2010 22:59

I think there are arguments for both of you. If this was a sahm posting saying this was her one chance in a year to have some proper grown-up time and her dh wouldn't let her go then I think a lot of MNetters would say that she should go.

However, if you really can't afford it that is another matter. Your earnings are for the family if he is a sahd and as such you both need to be able to make decisions about how the money is spent - in a fair and transparent way.

Would it be possible for him to have a part-time job - say evening work at the local supermarket / pub to give him back some independant earning and to pay for this trip?

bruxeur · 05/10/2010 23:01

Perhaps I'm misreading this spectacularly, but is mumblechum saying that SAHMs should always be the ones to get up with/soothe to sleep unsettled children?

Or is it just the SAHDs?

MissAnneElk · 05/10/2010 23:03

Sundew has said it so well! I would be more pissed off that he's gone to bed leaving you to cope knowing that you have to get up in the morning.

Original poster

lecce · 05/10/2010 23:05

Thanks for replies. I am just so angry with him. He has this thing of saying I'm a difficult and negative person everytime something like this comes up. To be fair, I have, especially at the start of our relationship, shown jealousy and been resentful of him going out with friends. However, I think I have got over this and, desppite what he says, have never stopped him doing stuff.

I have no issue with him spending money on himself, his work is childcare and he does a great job. I see my earnings as ours, not just mine, and we just have one joint account. However, this trip we can't afford.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 23:06

Your last sentence is all that needs to be said, lecce

mumblechum · 05/10/2010 23:06

SAHPs generally. If the WOHP has to be early to do a full days work in a stressful job, the SAHP should, imho, make that possible by taking on the late night childcare.

MollysChambers · 05/10/2010 23:10

Bruxeur - yes I was a bit at that one too. No point in having two parents in the house at all then really, is there?

PerArduaAdNauseum · 05/10/2010 23:12

I'm going to swim against the tide for a bit here... If you'll be debt free by next year - 3 months away - then is £500 on a weekend away that much of an issue? And if he hasn't worked for actual money in a while, what sort of cash does he have access to? Does he use it?

(If however the band thing is a symptom of general peter pan-ness and he has a ponytail please ignore me)

Booboobedoo · 05/10/2010 23:12

Have to disagree with you there, mumblechum.

DH works out of the house, I work in the house.

We both need sleep to function.

So we take turns - always.

Neither role is more important or valued than the other.

MollysChambers · 05/10/2010 23:12

If there is no money to pay for it then he can't go. He'll get over it.

Original poster

lecce · 05/10/2010 23:14

Part-time job is good idea, he probably won't want it, he does have ms which, though thankfully has not affected him seriously as yet, does make him tired so would not want to risk him taking on too much. However, will suggest it if and when he stops sulking.

It's not his only chance for adult time, he plays in a band a few times a month and sees friends weekly. He doesn't spend a lot or stay out late often but certainly gets plenty of free time - a lot more than me!

OP posts:

PerArduaAdNauseum · 05/10/2010 23:15

God, now you've talked about the MS I'm thinking let him have some fun while he can still enjoy it...

bruxeur · 05/10/2010 23:17

Dripfeed Winner 2010.

sunnydelight · 05/10/2010 23:18

It sounds to me like you really don't want him to go and are using the money thing to feel righteous about it, but hey - that's just my opinion. I really strongly believe that couples should be NICE to each other in the middle of what can often be the chaos of parenthood, and try and give each other what they need within reason. If you can sort the finances why not be the bigger person here and tell him to go and enjoy himself. What goes round comes round.

DryYourEyesMate · 05/10/2010 23:18

I have shocked myself by thinking YABU

The money situation seems a bit too controlled

Sometimes its worth spending money to just have some fun

Unless, of course, there is is a backstory to this

booyhoo · 05/10/2010 23:20

i also don't see why one paren'ts work is more important that they need more sleep for it than the other's just because it is salaried.

WRT OP's question, i think he is BU to expect that he can just add a debt to the one's you already have for a holiday. a holiday is not an essential and he has already been twice before, i think the adult in him should realise he is being selfish if he agrees to go.

mumblechum · 05/10/2010 23:20

Why not say that if he can earn the £500, or at least a big chunk of it, then you don't mind him going?

I'm off to Rome in Jan with my girlfriends, but don't expect dh to fund it, I'll save it up from my "on the side" job which is my pocket money, because I like to be independent (even tho' he earns ten times what I do)

BUT if I couldn't afford it I know he'd stump up the money to keep me happy

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