to not want dh to go to NYC and to hate him at this moment

[lecce]

DH has been invited to NYC for 4 days next February to celebrate a friend's 40th. He is a sahd, I am a teacher and I have just gone back to work after a year's mat leave for ds2. Dh used to do regular, temporary work that mostly fitted in with the school holidays and was well paid. However, this all fell through just as my mat leave started and he has not worked since (Though obviously, he does now as a sahd).

As a result, we built up quite a bit of debt while I was off which we are now paying back with our tax credits. We got no extra last year when we needed it but get it now for last year because it is paid a year behind. We have a tiny mortgage, and we did have savings though we had to use them last year, and no other debts so we are fairly comfortable and should be debt free by early next year.

However, we certainly don't have money to waste and we want a bigger house in about 3 year's time so want to over-pay on the mortgage as much as we can once debt is cleared.

Fwiw, dh has already been to NYC twice, once with a friend and we got married there so not once-in-a-lifetime chance.

So aibu in thinking dh should not have even considered this trip, which would have to be paid for on a credit card just as it would otherwise be paid off? The friend in question is a good friend to dh in that they are in a band together, but not close in an emotional way, iyswim.

DH said HE knows it's not ideal but wanted me to think about it by tomorrow and then he'd agree with whatever I say. WE HAVE HAD a huge row as I say he's beng manipulative and passive-aggressive and will blame and resent me.

He then said he's not going and is too pissed off to talk but will be ok tomorrow. Meanwhile, ds2 has woken with a cold and I've brought him down, dh has just gone to sleep despite knowing I have work tomorrow and will now get no rest. He is clearly sulking and this will go on tomorrow as well.

AIBU in thinking he should never have mentioned the fucking trip as we can't afford it?

Sorry this is so badly written, ds is wriggling all over me and I'm a tad worked up.

Would people really recommend a jolly for just one member of the family above paying off debts, a treat for ALL the family or even moving house sooner? I am just not sure a trip for one is the biggest priority.

As I said, it depends how much it effects those goals.

Yes, sadly we are nowhere near being mortgage free; when I said debt-free I was only referring to cc.

This thread has made me think a bit about his illness and grabbing chances etc, though Mumi makes a good point abut the whole family being severely limited if/when he becomes very ill or disabled. We would no way get, or even want, charity funding, as he is not at all disabled or otherwise affected as of yet so it would be funding a fit man to have a long-haul piss-up!

If he went we would not suffer financial hardship, though it would delay our moving plans and we really do need the extra space.

I must admit I do feel a bit 'why should he? and 'it's not fair' which I suppose are not honourable sentiments. I would not go away for 4 days until ds2 is a lot older, and even then probably wouldn't because of working mother guilt blah blah,but dh obviously sees a lot more of them both than I do. I guess I do feel some resentment about the amount of free-time he has compared to me and the time he gets with dc, though it's just the nature of my job and not his fault.

Don;t know what to think...

have you spoken to him again about it ?

is he still sulking ?

tbh, the sulks would make me dig my heels in even more

I know that doesn't make sense, but acting like a teenager (I have teenagers) just paints him badly, tbh

No, no more sulking now. He said last night that he would be alright about it today but I didn't believe him. However, he's been fine, it's wierd there's no atmosphere at all, he's not even a tiny bit tense.

It's like when he gave up smoking 5 years ago and just went cold-turkey and never mentioned it and I wanted to encourage him but was scared to bring it up unless he did. He said nothing until about 4 weeks in and then said, "wow, I've done it!" or words to that effect. I feel we ought to talk about it, if only because he may use it against me in the future, but don't want a row now, and honestly seems silly to raise it as I can't say I've changed my mind.

I feel a bit guilty now, don't know if that's his intention...

aww, don't try to read his mind

just talk about it

Sometimes these fun weekends away aren't as good as they're made out to be.

Maybe he isn't too let down about it.

What about planning something else less expensive (also without DCs) for you both.

yanbu

"We would no way get, or even want, charity funding, as he is not at all disabled or otherwise affected as of yet so it would be funding a fit man to have a long-haul piss-up!"

I meant funding for the family holiday!

Sounds like you can't afford the trip.

Sounds like he's putting all the pressure and grown up decisions on your head as a way to justify things (so you're the one being "unreasonable" etc)

sly!