to not want dh to go to NYC and to hate him at this moment

[lecce]

DH has been invited to NYC for 4 days next February to celebrate a friend's 40th. He is a sahd, I am a teacher and I have just gone back to work after a year's mat leave for ds2. Dh used to do regular, temporary work that mostly fitted in with the school holidays and was well paid. However, this all fell through just as my mat leave started and he has not worked since (Though obviously, he does now as a sahd).

As a result, we built up quite a bit of debt while I was off which we are now paying back with our tax credits. We got no extra last year when we needed it but get it now for last year because it is paid a year behind. We have a tiny mortgage, and we did have savings though we had to use them last year, and no other debts so we are fairly comfortable and should be debt free by early next year.

However, we certainly don't have money to waste and we want a bigger house in about 3 year's time so want to over-pay on the mortgage as much as we can once debt is cleared.

Fwiw, dh has already been to NYC twice, once with a friend and we got married there so not once-in-a-lifetime chance.

So aibu in thinking dh should not have even considered this trip, which would have to be paid for on a credit card just as it would otherwise be paid off? The friend in question is a good friend to dh in that they are in a band together, but not close in an emotional way, iyswim.

DH said HE knows it's not ideal but wanted me to think about it by tomorrow and then he'd agree with whatever I say. WE HAVE HAD a huge row as I say he's beng manipulative and passive-aggressive and will blame and resent me.

He then said he's not going and is too pissed off to talk but will be ok tomorrow. Meanwhile, ds2 has woken with a cold and I've brought him down, dh has just gone to sleep despite knowing I have work tomorrow and will now get no rest. He is clearly sulking and this will go on tomorrow as well.

AIBU in thinking he should never have mentioned the fucking trip as we can't afford it?

Sorry this is so badly written, ds is wriggling all over me and I'm a tad worked up.

Ha ha, no ponytail, thank god . Tbh, he has been a bit of a peter pan but has been great since being a sahd. He has friends who don't have careers, are in bands, whose wives work full-time and whose kids are in nursery .

In contrast, he does a great job with the boys and most of the housework. Just wish he would be a bit more grounded sometimes.

sorry, i am useless with apostrophes.

Really not drip-feeding. I thought the op was already too long and waffly, sometimes it's through discussion that you realise what's relevant. Ms isn't terminal, and so far and thank god his is very mild. There is no real reason to think he should rush into going as a last chance thing.

Seriously, he has MS. It's a degenerative condition. Maybe you should be putting aside for a treat fund for stuff that you can budget for now - even if using credit - because if he's disabled later on how much of a comfort will a healthy bank account be?

I'm by no means advocating credit as a means of funding a lifestyle, but these do seem to be special circumstances...

Cross posts. It's not terminal, but it is degenerative, and unpleasant, and scary. Good reason to live in the moment - no?

I do take your point, PerArdua, but we have lived with his condition, though so far there's not been that much to live with, for 7 years now. His prognosis is good, though obviously we have to accept he could be disabled in the future.

We have thought about this a lot, obviously, and not just in the context of this trip. We have a comfortable life but, actually, if he did become seriously disabled a healthy bank balance would be a huge comfort, yes. Sorry if that sounds hard but we have two children and if dh was unable to care for them or, once they are at school, if he was unable to resume his career, financial security would be a huge comfort.

Obviously, I'm not saying he shouldn't have treats - we do - plenty, but we do need to be practical as well.

have you decided then? Have things (children) calmed down a bit?

Yes thank you, think I may feel calm enough to lie down next to him without kicking him! I still don't think he should go, and don't really think he does either - think he wanted me to blame.

It's been good to talk it through though.

Yes, to a degree you have to live in the moment. I have severe RA, diagnosed 7 years ago when I was 33. It didn't really change things for ages, other than me being ridiculously tired al the time. Then it took a leap, and these days I have to choose where to put my energy.
A trip to NY to me wouldn't be my first choice - expensive, exhausting, and it would take me a week or more to recover.
I'm a contractor so time off is unpaid, and I only do it for things we do as a family - my choice. It matters more to me that we have a steady income/ some security.
oP - let him get over his sulk, and see how things are. In his shoes, I wouldn't go but I'd be feeling huffty and hard done to even though I'd know it was the only real choice.

If the roles were reversed and he was the breadwinner and you were the SAHP, he'd be fuh-lamed.

The holiday should be a joint decision. You're right, you're not his mother. Nor do you own him because he's not earning. So you shouldn't get to make all the financial decisions. If he got a part-time job, surely that should go back into the joint finances too, and go towards paying off your joint debt. You make it sound like a child getting a paper route so he can buy toys or something.

And he probably is disappointed and doesn't want to speak to you. I think I would be too. And if that's how he deals with it, you shouldn't be controlling about that either.

Having said that, I don't believe in getting into debt for non-essentials and I certainly would never borrow money to go on a holiday.

Did wonder about the role reversal thing to, but more whether OP would feel differently if he was the one going out to work or if she was the one with the chance of the trip.

Still think that, if you genuinely can't afford it, then he shouldn't go. He should be mature be enough to see this himself though.

Thinking about role-reversal here is a red herring

If he would have to borrow on a credit card to fund a non-essential trip (not a wedding, not even a family thing) then he should not go. My feelings would be the same if this was a SAHM, WOHM, WAHD bla bla bla

I think the MS is a red herring too

If it were my DH, I'd let him go. I take all your financial concerns on board, but with the prospect of having paid off your mortgage (even though you want to upgrade), your situation doesn't sound that dire and a trip to NY doesn't cost that much. Let him have his fun.

You only get one shot at life and you can't take money with you when you go.

So a trip to NYC will go on a credit card. And? It's four days not four weeks, the debts will be paid by early next year, the household isn't on it's knees financially and it doesn't sound like the credit card bill would be impossible to pay back so what's the big deal?

The poor man has MS, sadly there probably will come the day when he can't go to New York, as opposed to being for whatever reason prevented from going.

Grab your chances with both hands, life's short. We tend to regret most the things we didn't do.

Well I agree that you can either afford it or you can´t.

Is there enough time to save for it between now & Feb?

Can it go on credit card but be paid off without paying interest?

Is there anything he can give up to fund it?

Is there something that your husband could give up?

lol at the people who think £500 is enough for a few days in NY - the flights alone will be that much.

It would be £1000 minimum.

If you've both agreed previously that short term pain is worth the long term gain then he's being unreasonable expecting to go.

Save the money and go on a family holiday when you are in a better financial position.

I don't know anyone who goes on weekends away just for a friends birthday - seems a little excessive.

Yes, was wondering why I've never been to NY if thats all it costs..

I agree, Malificence and I speak from experience as my XP (DS's dad) has MS.
If it's all about life being too short, DH should be thinking of way to budget for the good times he can have with his family.

It's not just about him being unable to go later - it's also about OP not being able to because she'll be looking after him and the children therefore having no-one to take them either (sorry to be blunt about all this, Lecce, but I'm sure you know how it is).

It's all very well saying that it'll be alright as long as the rest of the family won't go without in terms of food and a roof over their head, but they will in terms of the times they could have had with DH.
It builds up resentment, especially of that income is not at all disposable.

Lecce - have you looked into charity funding to help with the cost?

You are a long time dead.

Went to NY this year and last. As things stand lights are VERY expensive to the US. I cant see him getting lights, accomodation, food and drink, and US travel costs for £500.

The lowest we managed to get over a year ago, in the sale too, for NY was over £300 per person.

Tjose saying the poor man needs to enjoy and ggo regardless - would it not betterm when finances are already stretched, to save p and enjoy a treat away TOGETHER?

i dont know, if i really wanted to go somewhere id go even if it hurt a bit financially. He probebly wants a bit of break from the children for a while, which wed all like if you can afford him it then why not.

However if its the difference between losing your home or not eating then obvioulsy not

I'd say yes, go; then I get whatever amount it costs you to go do/ buy something i want, sometime in the next year or so.

You say
"we are fairly comfortable and should be debt free by early next year.

However, we certainly don't have money to waste and we want a bigger house in about 3 year's time so want to over-pay on the mortgage as much as we can once debt is cleared.
"

So him going is not going to cause you immediate hardship, even if it is on a credit card (though missing out on an over payment might be cheaper).

So the only relevant question is how much does the trip to New York put off getting a bigger house?

One month? Six months? A year?

If you look at it in these terms you might be able to agree.