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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH should tell me he loves me on the phone

73 replies

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 14:33

DH and I had to come to a compromise over this years ago - I wanted him to tell me he loved me at the end of every phone call (I always wonder 'what if it's the last time we speak, I'd feel so awful that I didn't tell him), he (quite rightly I had to concede) didn't think it looked professional at work. When he is at work, he is there to do a job, not be fawning over his wife so business line or mobile, he didn't feel comfortable saying it.

But the longer this agreement goes on, the less he seems to say it. He's so used to not telling me he loves me that he forgets when he's not in work too.

Today, I rang him at lunch. He was in the pub. Drinking beer. His workmates were there but obviously this wasn't an overly professional situation. I jokingly said "You can tell me you love me because you're not at work" He said "bye"

AIBU to be a little bit hurt that he's embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his workmates? Even when not in the office? I'm not unwilling or embarrassed about loving him and used to tell him when I was at work - figuring no-one was listening to me anyway/I was at lunch or on a break.

I am rather sleep deprived and possibly a little hormonal so it's likely I might be a little bit U. What do you think?

OP posts:

Morloth · 04/10/2010 14:38

You end all interaction with him with the words Love You?

Its a bit weird IMO. If he doesn't want to say it he isn't gonna.

Yeeehaa · 04/10/2010 14:38

Sorry, I think YABabitU

You don't need to be told to know that it's true.
If he feels uncomfortable for whatever reason to say it over the phone (and in front of mates, I can imagine how dh would feel) don't force the issue, it'll only cause resentment when there's no need.

carocaro · 04/10/2010 14:39

YABU - but not really, if you see what I mean, I think it was the worst of situations for him to say he loved you. Does he have to say it in public? How about when he leaves the house and returns instead? I totally understand your need to be told.

I sobbed this morning about life and worry about DS1 and money and feeling low and possibly having to move and I got literally FUCK ALL from my husband who was standing right in front of me. Not a single word of encouragement or support; I felt this morning like I was hanging off a cliff by my fingernails and when I lost it and sobbed it felt like he just stood on my fingers and I dropped off the edge. Sorry to hijack your post, but I hope you don't mind. Am going to put on some large glasses and go collect my eldest from school and avoid everyone as I think I might just sob again.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 04/10/2010 14:39

Although I can see your reason, I don;t think you can dictate to him how he ends his phone calls to you.

Personally I feel if the other person is saying it just because they have been asked to it feels meaningless anyway.

My dp doesn't say it very often, but when he does he so obviously means it that it gives me (very nice) shivers.

Sidge · 04/10/2010 14:41

YABU. They're just words.

If you make him say it then it has little meaning. Far better that he says it to you when he's comfortable and says it with intent.

Fluffypoms · 04/10/2010 14:41

yabu..

and a bit soppy (sorry) they are just words.

nickelbabe · 04/10/2010 14:42

I have to side with you OP - my ex never, ever used to say he loved me - especially on the phone. Fair enough when he was at work, but he'd refuse to say it if he was in the company of others too.

I'm a bit biased with this problem, though.

Tiredmumno1 · 04/10/2010 14:44

Why dont you compromise again so if he is at work, when you say to him i love you then he can reply with you too or ditto, then he doesnt have to actually say it in front of work mates.

or come up with a different saying for it that only you both understand.

nocake · 04/10/2010 14:48

You're pressurising him to tell you that he loves you? If my DW did that to me I'd make a point of not saying it... although she never would. She knows that I love her and, I hope, she's secure enough to not require me to say it all the time.

Deliaskis · 04/10/2010 14:50

I think YABU, DH and I say it a lot (in fact loads compared with some couples), but never because we have to, it's always unprompted, and I wouldn't expect him to say it on the phone in any situ he was remotely uncomfortable with, whether he's stood in Sainsbury's, at the pub, at work, or walking down the street being sniggered at by a bunch of yoofs.

If you make him say it, it's actually pretty meaningless IMO.

MmeLindt · 04/10/2010 14:51

YABU

I know that my DH loves me and don't have to pressure him into saying all the time. If he were to do this to me, I would resent it.

Expressions of love should be freely given, not said by rote as they have more meaning then.

BigBadMummy · 04/10/2010 14:51

Surely it means more for it to be spontaneous? And they are just three little words at the end of the day. Actions speak louder than words.

My DH has only said that he loves me a handful of times in seven years but I KNOW he loves me. He shows me in different ways and cares about me, and my children

If he said it after every phone call it would lose the sentiment.

Lighten up and stop dictating how he behaves.

annapolly · 04/10/2010 14:53

My DH and I always end a phone call with "love you".

It has become such an automatic thing it is meaning less.

Case proven when I phoned the bank and said "bye love you."

frikonastick · 04/10/2010 14:55

DH always ends a phone conversation with 'love you' but he didnt used to when he was at work.

i asked him how come and he said he would feel weird about it. i asked him how being open about loving his wife could be construed as weird.

he now says love you on the phone to me when he is at work too. to my knowledge no one has ever commented on it.

so i didnt tell him how to end his conversations with me, but i did ask him to think about WHY he wasnt saying something that he would otherwise.

if that makes sense.

frankly, i think more men being openly loving towards their wives in EVERY part of their day working or otherwise can only be a good thing. no downsides that i can see :)

mayorquimby · 04/10/2010 14:55

YABU and completely bat-shit crazy

alarkaspree · 04/10/2010 14:57

I wouldn't tell dh I loved him on the phone, unless he was away for some days or said something extraordinarily charming (unlikely if he was at work). Our daytime calls are practical in nature.

BrandyAlexander · 04/10/2010 14:59

DH doesn't tell me he loves me as much as he used to (when we first fell in love), however, it means that when he does say it, of his own accord, it means so much more and always brings a huge grin to my face. Don't see the point of trying to force him to tell you he loves you. YABU.

Ladyanonymous · 04/10/2010 15:01

OH always tells me he loves me at the end of every phonecall but hes in the Navy so therefore we spend a lot of time apart.

He just phoned me from work to indeed tell me that he loves me - however I think because of the nature of his work this is not uncommon with all the men so therefore he would not have the piss ripped out of him.

YABU to expect it at the end of every phonecall if its something hes not comfortable to do - and makes it a bit pointless>

If it was when you were making love you may have a point.

Original poster

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 15:13

Tiredmumno1 - that is exactly what we do. I say "I love you", he says "bye" I am fine with that when he is at work.

We had a very similar conversation to frikonastick and her DH. My DH came to the conclusion though that it was still weird so he still refuses to say it.

I get what everyone is saying about it being meaningless if it is automatic rather than felt. TBH, he says it very little these days which is maybe why I'm so fed up.

My sperm donor father used to tell me that people only loved me because they didn't know me well enough to hate me yet so I guess I do need a little more reassurance than most.

mayorquimby thanks, that was helpful

OP posts:

Laquitar · 04/10/2010 15:14

Does he say it when you are together? Spontaneously? I wouldn't like someone to say it every single time in a dull robot-style.

If a partner asked me all the time to say it i would think he is needy.

Ladyanonymous · 04/10/2010 15:16

Oooohhhh stealth

Laquitar · 04/10/2010 15:18

Sorry op, x post.

Original poster

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 15:23

Yeah, I guess that should have been in the original post. Sorry

OP posts:

Bucharest · 04/10/2010 15:24

I always remember the great maxim....people who tell you they love you all the time probably don't love you nearly as much as the people who don't.

Also, (sorry) but if I were your husband, and you were obviously so emotionally needy that I had to make an arse of myself at the end of every phonecall, I'd be running for 'dem 'dere hills.

MQ is spot on.

KurriKurri · 04/10/2010 15:26

YABU - it sounds a bit as if you are trying to embarrass him. You can't dictate to people how and when they should express their emotions.

IMO, - constantly repeating 'I love you' as a sign off makes it lose all meaning. Any one can say it, - you show it by your actions and behaviour, if he does that then he's doing OK isn't he?

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