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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH should tell me he loves me on the phone

73 replies

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 14:33

DH and I had to come to a compromise over this years ago - I wanted him to tell me he loved me at the end of every phone call (I always wonder 'what if it's the last time we speak, I'd feel so awful that I didn't tell him), he (quite rightly I had to concede) didn't think it looked professional at work. When he is at work, he is there to do a job, not be fawning over his wife so business line or mobile, he didn't feel comfortable saying it.

But the longer this agreement goes on, the less he seems to say it. He's so used to not telling me he loves me that he forgets when he's not in work too.

Today, I rang him at lunch. He was in the pub. Drinking beer. His workmates were there but obviously this wasn't an overly professional situation. I jokingly said "You can tell me you love me because you're not at work" He said "bye"

AIBU to be a little bit hurt that he's embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his workmates? Even when not in the office? I'm not unwilling or embarrassed about loving him and used to tell him when I was at work - figuring no-one was listening to me anyway/I was at lunch or on a break.

I am rather sleep deprived and possibly a little hormonal so it's likely I might be a little bit U. What do you think?

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 04/10/2010 17:14

"I read something somewhere which said that basically your childhood is in the past and if it was crap, you just need to get over it and not let it affect your adult life. Saying "oh but my Dad hit me" is boring and blame passing. I need to take responsibilty for my own actions now I am an adult."

i'd say that's a lot easier said than done. :(

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 04/10/2010 17:14

YABU. I am on kind of your dh side of the fence here.
DH is quite needy in that department and if i'm honest I find it stifling at times.
I know what his issues behind it are but it is stifling none the less.

I love my DH it is why I married him, it is why i'm still married to him and like others have said it is just 3 words that at the end of the day I could walk up to the next person I meet and say but they would be utterly meaningless it is other things day to day that show someone you love them.

DH will send me a text with something practical and mundane in it and more often than not it will end with I love you. I reply to the mndane content of the text and there have been times where he has asked why I rarely reply I love him too.
And honestly???? It appears so often in texts I barely notice it anymore, that may sound harsh, it isn't meant to be in any way but it has become as mundane as the text content.
I prefer to tell him spontaniously and show him my love in other ways.

Conflugenglugen · 04/10/2010 17:29

Your DH "should" tell you that he loves you? Really? When does anyone have to do anything for someone else - especially in order to make them feel secure?

If something is given freely and without expectation, then it is genuine. Otherwise it is forced and meaningless.

YABU.

mumeeee · 04/10/2010 17:35

YABU. Yes your DH should tell you that he loves you but not at the end of every phone call or becuase you asked him to.

Conflugenglugen · 04/10/2010 17:38

Okay, now I've read the rest of the posts ...

I think you're expecting your husband to become the father you didn't have. My experience is that the more you push, the more resistance you receive.

You said that therapy doesn't fix all the broken bits. You're right. Maybe the broken bits aren't meant to be fixed. Rather, they are there to be accepted as broken. "This is what happened to me. This is who I am."

I think that can often be a starting point for moving on.

Original poster

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 18:04

"You said that therapy doesn't fix all the broken bits. You're right. Maybe the broken bits aren't meant to be fixed. Rather, they are there to be accepted as broken. "This is what happened to me. This is who I am."

Ah yes, but it seems to be universally agreed that my neediness is unattractive and someone even said grounds for divorce so I need to fix at least this bit.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 18:13

yabu to expect/demand a specific response.needy.and bitty controlling to demand he meet your needs in any given social circumstance.

have some social savvy! out for drink wi boys and whispering Loooooooooooove you too snukkie or some such is a huge cue for a piss take

Conflugenglugen · 04/10/2010 18:27

Blatherskite - What about the possibility that you can only fix it by first accepting it? If you don't own something, i.e. you don't hold it, then how do you work with it to change anything?

Neediness is unnattractive. But we all have unnattractive parts of us. It is when we make someone else responsible for those parts that we run into trouble.

Original poster

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 19:39

Ah, I missed your meaning Conflugenglugen I hope I am now owning it. Owning it so that I can change it. I've spent too long living in the shadow of my childhood.

I've not mentioned it since he's been home. As far as he's concerned, he said "bye" in the pub and that was the end of it.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/10/2010 19:48

that should be the end of it.overall is he a good dh,good man.if so dont rip his knitting about icky widdle phrases

lighten up, and maybe he will surprise you with some spontaneity

womblingfree · 04/10/2010 20:19

Blatherskite - have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy? I found that v. helpful.

The original issue aside I just wanted to urge you to persevere with getting to grips with your past and wish you the best of luck.

My mum is fab in many ways but is very emotionally dependent (for different reasons - your statement about 'what if this is the last time we speak' rang major bells). This has had a knock on effect on my life over the years and stopped me doing certain things I should have done. I don't blame her as such - I should have grown a pair and done my own thing anyway, but if you can deal with your problems before your children are old enough for them to have an impact it will mean a much brighter future for all of you.

As far as the op goes - I'd settle for my 'd'h telling me he loves me at all...

Conflugenglugen · 04/10/2010 20:35

Blatherskite, you can definitely create magic. Just look at your cakes. :)

Original poster

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 21:11

womblingfree I haven't tried that. IS that something you have to find yourself or can a doctor refer you?

My children's childhood are as different as I know how to make it. There is no hitting, no put downs, no favouritism, no fear but there are some things I just don't know how to do. In the main, I try to take DH's lead but then there are times, like today when I come at situations from completely the wrong perspective. I don't want them ever to feel like I did so I need to change it.

I want them to be happy and secure.

Sorry to hear you're having problems with those 3 little words too

Thank you Conflugenlugen Hopefully they'll become part of my children's happy childhood memories. I'm already planning the one for DD's first birthday :)

OP posts:

BudaisintheZONE · 04/10/2010 21:28

Well as others have already pointed out (some more tactfully than others!) YABU. But you do have reason. However I would suggest you try hard to find a way past this. It's not really fair to put this pressure on him to do something he feels uncomfortable about. And saying it in a pub with his mates would be very uncomfortable!

Remember actions speak louder than words. My DH very rarely tells me he loves me. Sort of mumbles something back at me if I say it. But he does lots for me that shows me he loves me. I am sure your dh does too so maybe try and remember that.

A suggestion though. Maybe ask him to text you 'x' sometimes. You will know he is thinking of you. Nobody else has to know. And it can be spontaneous rather than a duty.

warthog · 04/10/2010 21:32

i understand where you're coming from.

but i'm one of these people who hardly ever says 'i love you' and it would KILL me to utter those words on a daily basis. please try and respect your dh's needs. maybe he'll surprise you occasionally.

because the unprompted 'i love you's are the best, because they're really meant.

PhishFoodAddiction · 04/10/2010 21:38

I agree with warthog I think it means more when you get a spontaneous 'I love you'. I think YABU to try and make DH say it to you, but I totally sympathise with you, it's hard growing up in the kind of home you did, and I'm so glad you're doing all you can to make your DCs childhoods better than your own.

Hope your DH can reassure you of his love. With mine I don't mind if he doesn't say I love you all the time, he shows me he does in loads of little ways every day. Means more to me than words.

Sorry, waffled on a bit.

upahill · 04/10/2010 21:52

Blatherskite.
I have just looked at your pictures.

I looked at the cakes first - WOW!

and then the kids - double WOW!!!!

upahill · 04/10/2010 21:52

Oh I forgot to put the one in!!

Original poster

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 22:04

I do get what you mean about saying it spontaneously meaning a lot more than being prompted. I guess I just wish he would say it spontaneously a bit more often.

I guess all I can do is make sure I tell him that I love him often and hope he fells the same and follows suit :)

And thank you for the "Wow"s upahill They are beautiful children in more ways than a picture can show and I am immensley proud of both of them.

OP posts:

womblingfree · 04/10/2010 22:25

Hi again Blatherskite!

My Doctor referred me although I'm going back over 10 years. It was basically to get over some issues I had with my ex and with my Mum.

They kind of 'force you' to come to your own conclusions but doing nothing, which sounds really weird and useless but I'd laready had 3 lots of 'genreal' counsellign which hadn't done the trick and CBT worked - am still not quite sure why but hey ho

BeenBeta · 04/10/2010 22:39

Blatherskite - I never felt comfortable telling DW I loved her on the phone when I worked in an office. I stil dont when with other people around. Its a private thing in my view. In tat sense I am agreeing with your husband.

However, I tell DW I love her when I am in private and I really mean it. I dont think you should push DH as long as he tells you he loves you sometimes and he shows it of course.

I know you have a lot of other issues going on but TBH this is a fairly common thing for women to get upset about and men to not really understand why or even want to deal with.

Curiousmama · 05/10/2010 08:27

Wow at your cakes!!

And your dcs are gorgeous

Original poster

Blatherskite · 05/10/2010 09:50

Thank you curiousmama

And thank you too BeenBeta It's nice to have a male point of view.

DH came and gave me a kiss and told me he loved me before he left for work this morning which was lovely - and spontaneous :)

OP posts:

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