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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should tell me he loves me on the phone

73 replies

Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 14:33

DH and I had to come to a compromise over this years ago - I wanted him to tell me he loved me at the end of every phone call (I always wonder 'what if it's the last time we speak, I'd feel so awful that I didn't tell him), he (quite rightly I had to concede) didn't think it looked professional at work. When he is at work, he is there to do a job, not be fawning over his wife so business line or mobile, he didn't feel comfortable saying it.

But the longer this agreement goes on, the less he seems to say it. He's so used to not telling me he loves me that he forgets when he's not in work too.

Today, I rang him at lunch. He was in the pub. Drinking beer. His workmates were there but obviously this wasn't an overly professional situation. I jokingly said "You can tell me you love me because you're not at work" He said "bye" Sad

AIBU to be a little bit hurt that he's embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his workmates? Even when not in the office? I'm not unwilling or embarrassed about loving him and used to tell him when I was at work - figuring no-one was listening to me anyway/I was at lunch or on a break.

I am rather sleep deprived and possibly a little hormonal so it's likely I might be a little bit U. What do you think?

OP posts:
Laquitar · 04/10/2010 15:29

Angry and Sad at your father's comment.

ColdComfortFarm · 04/10/2010 15:30

lol at telling the bank you love them! I call random people 'darling' because so used to saying it to kids Blush

mayorquimby · 04/10/2010 15:33

you're welcome

Original poster
Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 15:35

So you think he should divorce me Bucharest Shock

I don't ask him to "make an arse" of himself at the end of every phone call. I ask if he would tell his wife that he loves her and only when he's not at work!! You'd think it was something to be ashamed of!

I tell him that I love him because I do and because I miss him while he's out of the house for 12 hours every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 15:36

If I were trying to embarrass him, I would ring him constantly and make him say it.

I am not doing that.

He was in the pub not a client meeting

OP posts:
spikeycow · 04/10/2010 15:38

You can't force him to say it in front of his mates, it's embarrassing. You are a grown woman presumably and should know the way things work by now.

ColdComfortFarm · 04/10/2010 15:38

you are needy blatherskite, understandably given how you were brought up, but needy all the same. All the same your husband definitely won't love you more if you insist he says 'I love you' in circumstances that embarasses him or will get him teased by his mates. Allow him his privacy and dignity on this issue. How he behaves towards you is more important than saying a set phrase.

Hullygully · 04/10/2010 15:41

I am with you, my dh and I have to say "Love you love lucky horseshoe" at the end of every call just in case. We might get the odd funny look...but imagine if we hadn't said it and something happened?

upahill · 04/10/2010 15:41

You sound clingy and needy.

Actions speak louder than words in my book tbh.

I have never said 'love you' to Dh when I've been at work or when he has been at work.
Sometimes we go for ages wiht out saying it but everything else is great so it doesn't even cross our minds.

Sometimes we say it in a daft way to each other (cue the kids rolling their eyes at us!!)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/10/2010 15:42

You have made him self-conscious and weird about it by insisting on it.

I can understand you being needy because of how your father treated you, but that actually isn't your husband's issue to 'fix'.

Have you thought about having some therapy?

nickelbabe · 04/10/2010 15:47

I don't see why it's embarrassing to say it in front of his mates!!!

when they got married, he stood in front of everyone he knew and told her that he would have sex with her!! and love her forever. that's got to be more soppy than saying "i love you" in front of his mates!

does he know that about your sperm donor father? maybe you shouldtell him about that.

I have got another idea, though - someone said earlier he could say "ditto" or "me too".
DH and I do something similar - one of us says "'allo" and the other says "view". people hearing only one side wouldn't know what we are saying, but we can hear "i love you" (try it and see). That could be like a code that you do...
then either of you can start it.

upahill · 04/10/2010 15:50

How long have you been together?

I thought you sounded clingy before but with you saying that you miss him because he is out of the house for 12 hours sounds like a love sick teenager who fawns over the latest love of her live rather than an adult getting on with hers.

rpickett · 04/10/2010 15:56

I dont think YABU, I'd be upset too x

upahill · 04/10/2010 15:59

What's up with mardy women today - getting upset because they are not told often enough they are loved.

You are coming over as really clutching.

minibmw2010 · 04/10/2010 16:01

I don't think you can force a person to say something like that, regardless of where you are, where they are, who they are with, etc. Plus why would you want to hear words you have had to ask someone to tell you, that aren't said spontaneously? My DH doesn't do large PDAs except holding my hand when we're out, that's fine by me, I know how he feels about it so I'm not going to force him to do more than he is comfortable with. We all have different limits for these things.

If its more to do with the fact that your husband doesn't seem to want to say those words ever, at any time, then that's another problem and something that has to be dealt with as a couple.

Original poster
Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 16:06

I've had therapy +Alibabaandthe40nappies* Lots and lots of therapy. Problem is, while they can teach you to deal with the past, they can't fix all the broken bits.

I realise I have issues with relationships which is why I asked if I was BU. I guess I am.

I shall attempt to get over myself before he comes home.

We've been together for almost 7 years

OP posts:
Fimbo · 04/10/2010 16:14

Sometimes I will say i love you to dh at the end of phone calls , if he is in a room on his own he will say it back if not he will say "me too". Can't you come up with something like that if it's bothering you so much. Dh would never say it in a pub full of blokes.

upahill · 04/10/2010 16:18

I hope you learn to become comfortable with yourself Blatherskite.

It does sound like you have had it rough and it can be difficult to shake off old feelings.

I stand by what I said before about sounding needy and it is not an attractive quality but I understand your reasons.

OrmRenewed · 04/10/2010 16:18

YABU. I don't say 'love you' to DH when I'm at work or even with work colleagues. I'm not particularly inhibited but it would feel wrong.

jamaisjedors · 04/10/2010 16:24

I could NEVER say that at work and would be totally embarrassed saying it "in public".

I certainly would not say it in the pub with my friends/workmates.

In fact I wouldn't want to speak to him at ALL then and would be embarrassed.

It doesn't mean I don't love DH.

Do you feel a bit left out that he is out of the house, at the pub, at work etc. and you are home with the kids?

I remember watching the door when I was on maternity leave, waiting for DH to come home.

jamaisjedors · 04/10/2010 16:25

Actually I find it embarrassing when I hear OTHER people having lovey-dovey conversations in public, I feel like I'm intruding on their privacy and that I'm in the way.

I wouldn't want to make someone else feel that way.

FabIsGettingOnWithLife · 04/10/2010 16:34

Do you feel he loves you? Does he show it?

minipie · 04/10/2010 16:41

Hmm..

Him not saying it on the phone is understandable. (I wouldn't say "I love you" down the phone if I was at work or in the pub with mates, not unless I was feeling particularly drunk soppy anyway)

Him not saying it when he's at home with you is more of an issue.

Have you explained to him that you need more reassurance than might be usual, you're working on feeling more secure, but in the meantime could he please be very outwardly loving as it helps you feel secure?

If so what does he say to that?

Schroeder · 04/10/2010 16:44

What happened to carocaro? I hope her day is getting better.
Some times people don't say anything because they haven't a clue what to say.

Blatherskite you sound really strong to meSmile. I can see that your dh might be starting to feel pressured to say it all the time and that can't be good. Maybe a code word would do; something personal that means something to you both.

Original poster
Blatherskite · 04/10/2010 16:50

Thanks upahill I know the neediness isn't an attractive quality and is more likely to drive DH away rather than anything else which is why I'm trying to learn how to be different.

I read something somewhere which said that basically your childhood is in the past and if it was crap, you just need to get over it and not let it affect your adult life. Saying "oh but my Dad hit me" is boring and blame passing. I need to take responsibilty for my own actions now I am an adult.

I'm trying but it's like speaking French when you've never had any lessons. I was never taught to like myself or trust others to like me and trying to learn how to do it as an adult is a lot harder.

But we have 2 DC's now and I am determined that they will have the best childhoods I can possibly give them so I need to learn how to do it so I can show them. I am going to break this chain.

I think you have a point too jamaisjedors DD is 9 months now and is an awful sleeper so we're spending a lot of time at home during the day so that I can make sure she has her naps at the right time in an attempt to get some better sleep at night - so I guess I am feeling a bit stuck at home. A few of the friends we used to see a lot during the week have recently had new babies too so we're all struggling to find time for one another with DC1's at different pre-schools at different times and DC2's being so small and needy. Maybe I need some more nights out once DD is asleep so we can get together without the children? Maybe even a date with DH if I can wangle a babysitter??

Thank you everyone for your help today. Will try to be a little less "bat shit" in future Grin

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