Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that MIL gave DS2 desert when I told him no...

61 replies

Julezboo · 04/10/2010 14:01

Long standing history with my MIL. We tolerate each other.

We went round for lunch yesterday, first annoyance she cooked DS2 a whole different meal, now when i do a roast dinner I will do him sausages rather than chicken but he still gets veg etc on his plate.

He ate ONE smiley face. I told him he will not get any afters if he didnt finish his dinner. MIL kept asking me over and over and over if he could have his afters, making up excuses as to why he didnt eat his dinner. I stood firm, kept saying no, he needs to learn, he's 3yrs old now. And a fussy eater so its a lot of trouble to get him to eat anything but cereal most of the time but i percevere and will not give him anything else or different to what we eat.

Little while later MIL and the two boys are in the bedroom, it all goes quiet, when they walk back into the living room MIL rushes over to wipe DS2 mouth.

DS2 pipes up "i eated something" I asked him what he had and he said a yogurt.

So I said, "right come on kids we are going, she obviously doesnt want to listen to me as the boys parents and I wont stick around and be lied to"

She denied it of course, but a 3 yr old imo doesnt know how to lie. She has done this a few times before, if i say no to them she will wait till I am out of sight and give in.

We left to come home and I still didnt get the whole truth but even her asking me over and over again if he could have a cake is imo undermining me. So add into that DS2 told me he had a yogurt and she rushed to wipe his face before i saw it. I was bloody annoyed. DH stood ground with her too.

I am pissed off with her encouraging my boys to lie to me.

So was IBU to snap and say what I did, or should i have kept schtum!

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 04/10/2010 14:03

She's a granny....what do you expect? You say 'no sweets' and they sneak them some under the table when you're not looking. It's been going on for centuries.

zapostrophe · 04/10/2010 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Trubert · 04/10/2010 14:05

You are giving yourself two options, snap or keep schtum.

You need to try the third option, which is keeping your temper and discussing things with your MIL like an adult.

I appreciate this is much easier to type than to do. But if you really want to know what to do in this situation, then my advice is: calmly ask MIL what has happened, and explain to her how her behaviour is undermining your parenting. Make it clear to her that if she continues to undermine you you will regretfully have to stop visiting her.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/10/2010 14:05

yanbu as they are your kids i spose but gosh you need to unclench a little, hes three! lots of three year old are buggers with their food, my own included, but its really not such a big deal to let granny indulge a little surely? isnt it what grandparents do?

crisproll2 · 04/10/2010 14:06

Also it was a yogurt which is, IMO, a lot more nutritious that a smiley face.

It isn't good to be undermined though.

Anenome · 04/10/2010 14:06

Grin at "afters" haven't heard that for ages! But you are being U to be honest...One yogurt wont hurt him...not as if she gave him a dish of trifle.

At 3 years he will understand that he gets an easy time at Gran's house.

5inthebed · 04/10/2010 14:07

I think you're overreacting slightly.

Yes it is very annoying when granny does this (my own MIL does this as well), but part of the appeal of grandparents is that they let you do things your parents told you you couldn't do.

PortBlacksand · 04/10/2010 14:07

Was it a yoghurt or was it sweets? tbh getting my DS1 to eat a yoghurt for his lunch would have been a goal in my house 7 years ago (when he was 3).

Yes to unclenching and letting it float over you serenely. That'll wind her up even more if she's doing it to annoy you...

Original poster
Julezboo · 04/10/2010 14:10

its not just a one off though, it happens ALL the time, this was just a recent example, normally I say nothing but we have been having a horrid time of it with 3yr old lately re: his behaviour. And she knows it, she is our only close family nearby so its not like they only see her once in a bloom moon, its quite regular.

He wont eat at home and often half way through a meal he will kick off and ask for something else. We know why now, she will give in and make him a whole other meal after cooking one meal for him to turn his nose up half way through.

I have bitten my tongue ALOT with her if im honest and even DH thanked me for putting up with her last night :)

OP posts:
Morloth · 04/10/2010 14:11

YANB(totally)U, but really does it matter what he eats at a family get together? I have a no bullshit approach to food but don't worry about it when we are doing something "different".

She shouldn't have undermined you, but you might want to just chill out a bit about it all.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/10/2010 14:14

If its really such a problem why do you eat there? you could visit with out eating there surely? especially if she is very close, or eat at yours by your rules?

Still dont see the problem with a yoghurt even if he didnt eat the cardboard smiley anyway tbh.

Tippychoocks · 04/10/2010 14:16

Blimey, I don't think you're being U at all (apart from allowing the smiley faces Grin). It doesn't matter what she gave him, she waited till the OP was out of the room and snuck/sneaked/snooked him something that they had all clearly heard the OP say no to. Not on. Then she encouraged the children to lie and lied herself.

YANBU Smile

Firawla · 04/10/2010 14:17

i think overreacting although yanbu to be annoyed but right boys come on we are leaving etc, was ott

Greensleeves · 04/10/2010 14:18

I think whether or not we agree with your approach to his eating, you MIL's behaviour is wrong

she is undermining you and encouraging your children to see you as the enemy, and to lie to you

and it is bloody stressful enough having a child with dysfuntional eating habits

she's being a cow. Can't your dh read her the riot act?

MmeLindt · 04/10/2010 14:18

How often to you eat at her house? If it is only one every week or so then I would let it go.

She should not undermine you, but you need to let it go and not make food too much of a battle ground. At least when you eat out.

I did smile at your "once in a bloom moon". Sweet.

Original poster
Julezboo · 04/10/2010 14:21

Thankyou Tippy.

The yogurt is not the point, she is teaching my boys that its okay to go behind my back when i tell them they cant do anything. She always does it. She actaully admitted to giving him cereal an hour before dinner and the reason he wasnt eating the smiley faces was because they wre cooked with the roasties and not the usual way Hmm

Tbh I probably am BalittleU because it is a small petty thing to get wound up over. She doesnt respect me as a parent at all and when pg with DS2 she told me I was a mean and cruel mother who will drive my kids away. Add into the fact that when we told her DC3 is a boy she said "ahh well never mind, we will love it just the same"

Normally I let it all slide since the big huge blow up a few years ago but she is now closely involved with the boys because I am pg and struggling with severe sickness and backpain so imo she needs to listen to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Julezboo · 04/10/2010 14:24

Mmelindt - its normally every sunday at the mo. Im not overly strict on food, they even eat macdonalds Grin but weekdays are busy and stressy enough, we dont get in the door till 6pm, so cooking a different meal for one person would be a nightmare, especially as in a few months time we will have a newborn into the mix.

Maybe my hormones are on overdrive. But this came after I had put DS2 on the floor after he was repeatedly banging his head on the wall and jumping on the sofa, he was crying she shouted at me to leave him to it"

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 04/10/2010 14:25

Ok, after your last post, I am withdrawing my YABU and changing it to YANBU

She sounds like a nasty, negative person who makes you feel bad. I am sorry you have to put up with her.

Good on you and your DH for sticking up for her.

MmeLindt · 04/10/2010 14:25

Sticking up to her, not for her. Obviously.

rpickett · 04/10/2010 14:29

YANBU I can't stand being undermined there is no excuse for it, especially going behind your back and acting sneaky about it.
My MIL is the same and TBH our relationship would be a lot better if I wasn't undermined all the time, it's a respect thing IMO.

animula · 04/10/2010 14:30

if you're going to have a chat about undermining, etc., and you're going to keep it reasonable, it might be good to flag up how nice it is that she feeds you all once a week, just as a way of balancing appreciation and suggestions for change.

As someone whose fil is a bit of a monster (broke contact with dh and ds for several years because ds was "insufficiently polite" and didn't have table manners), but have to keep things going because it would upset dh if we didn't, I would suggest compromise, a recognition of the good things she does, and a bit of tongue-biting occasionally.

animula · 04/10/2010 14:36

Did she really say you were a mean and cruel mother who will drive your children away?

Why?

That's a bit harsh!!!!

I'm sure you're not.

It sounds like you might want to set out some clearer boundaries. That's a very intimate thing to say to somebody. It's the sort of thing my mother would say to me (and does, actually. Bless her.) But never my mil.

Perhaps the going for a meal once a week is too intimate? Or its "meaning" needs re-negotiation?

Where's your dh when all this goes on? What's his take? Have you tried asking him to discuss over-intimacy, between you and his mother, with his mother?

And, be honest, are there things you are doing that encourage this over-intimacy from her? If there are, perhaps draw back.

Original poster
Julezboo · 04/10/2010 14:36

I see what you are saying animula. I have bitten my tongue for 4 years (that being the last huge row we had) I have honestly snapped twice at her in four years, normally poor DH just gets me whinging at him lol.

First time she was favouring her real grandchild over DS1 (who is from a previous relationship) I wasnt nasty about it, I told her after sh had told DS1 off for something DS2 did (throwing a stone at DS1) and I had punish DS2 for. I said you either treat them both the same or not at all. Before DS2 was born she doted on DS1!

Second time was yesterday after her harsh comments arlier in the week and telling me off.

We do an awful lot for her too but I wont go into all that, she is in her 60's and foreign so needs a lot of hlp with her pensions/benefits/banks/housing etc. and because DH works full time. It falls to me, which I dont mind I just want her to respect me as the boys parent!

OP posts:
Original poster
Julezboo · 04/10/2010 14:39

I have to go do school run

Animula - DH is quite harsh with her tbh, sometimes it makes me cringe. Endless conversations with her over rules with the boys go ignored. I have limited time they spend there now but with her being our only close by family (mine are all 200+ miles) away, childcare does fall down to her if I am taken into hospital as DH's work are not very reasonable!

Be back soon :)

OP posts:
animula · 04/10/2010 14:57

Julez - I think you probably are going to be OK with this, in the long run. But you have to see it as a protracted campaign, with quite a few skirmishes on the way.

Some of those, you may feel, push everything backwards, but generally, I suspect it'll go forwards in general terms.

Sounds to me as though, on the big issues, she already respects you, and that you've stated your lines, and had them acknowledged. that's very important.

Tbh, she sounds a bit like my mother, ie. not innately gifted with a sense of other people's boundaries. I just regard it all as a long-term thing, and try to remain very reasonable. Though I must admit, I don't always manage it, and often end up simmering, being quite cutting, and having long, protracted "conversations" about (what to an outside observer) would seem utter trivia (but it's symbolic trivia, dammit!).