to think that MIL gave DS2 desert when I told him no...

[Julezboo]

Long standing history with my MIL. We tolerate each other.

We went round for lunch yesterday, first annoyance she cooked DS2 a whole different meal, now when i do a roast dinner I will do him sausages rather than chicken but he still gets veg etc on his plate.

He ate ONE smiley face. I told him he will not get any afters if he didnt finish his dinner. MIL kept asking me over and over and over if he could have his afters, making up excuses as to why he didnt eat his dinner. I stood firm, kept saying no, he needs to learn, he's 3yrs old now. And a fussy eater so its a lot of trouble to get him to eat anything but cereal most of the time but i percevere and will not give him anything else or different to what we eat.

Little while later MIL and the two boys are in the bedroom, it all goes quiet, when they walk back into the living room MIL rushes over to wipe DS2 mouth.

DS2 pipes up "i eated something" I asked him what he had and he said a yogurt.

So I said, "right come on kids we are going, she obviously doesnt want to listen to me as the boys parents and I wont stick around and be lied to"

She denied it of course, but a 3 yr old imo doesnt know how to lie. She has done this a few times before, if i say no to them she will wait till I am out of sight and give in.

We left to come home and I still didnt get the whole truth but even her asking me over and over again if he could have a cake is imo undermining me. So add into that DS2 told me he had a yogurt and she rushed to wipe his face before i saw it. I was bloody annoyed. DH stood ground with her too.

I am pissed off with her encouraging my boys to lie to me.

So was IBU to snap and say what I did, or should i have kept schtum!

YA BOTH BU

she should definitely not have gone behind you back.

you should not be telling her what to do in her own house.

I would be very pissed off by what she had done, but the answer is NOT to keep telling her what to do. It will do your kids no harm to have more relaxed 'food rules' for occasional visits to their grandparents.

I mean FFS is it really worth getting this wound up over a yogurt? Yes she should not have overruled you, but you should not have put her in that position. If you fight her over the little stuff then she is less likely to take your views into account for the stuff that really matters.

I think the bigger lesson your kid learned was that you overreacted and had words with your mother when you (as he saw it) didn't get your way.

That's the kind of stuff kids pick up on and model their behaviour on. The stuff they're not supposed to see!

I stopped reading at 'he ate one smiley face' - she cooked a roast dinner for the family & smiley faces for DS? MIL is being VU.

I stopped reading at 'he ate one smiley face' - she cooked a roast dinner for the family & smiley faces for DS? MIL is being VU.

i think not unreasonable at all.

my children have to eat at least a major part of their main course to get pudding. if there is a nice pudding they will just stop as soon as they see it and try for seconds. so i say well if you eat your dinner you can have X. if not, there are apples if you don't like this. (my children are tremendous eaters so i have to encourage them in what to eat rather than eating generally).

my father is always trying to give my children chocolate and they feed us once a week. the rules are they can have it if they eat their dinner (which is the same as the rest of us).

i would have tried 'well little johnny you can have the yoghurt if you eat your vegetables,you can leave the rest, this is a special treat since we are at granny's house' (and if she hasn't given him any veg i would be very clear that he needs some!)

i am horrified she encouraged them to lie to you. not even my father does that, and he is terrible for doing things i don't want!

you have my sympathy. avoid going at mealtimes and develop allergies to anything you don't want them to have!

Yanbu in being annoyed at her going behind your back but giving your MIL mixed messages won't help.

By mixed messages I mean:

• Cooking sausages rather than giving ds the chicken that you're all eating

• Accepting her cooking him a separate dinner

It also would have been far better to have spoken to her out of the earshot of your DSs but I think you've said you know that.

My inlaws have completely different views to me (and dh to a lesser extent) on raising children but they know we have firm boundaries on a few things (food, manners and not hurting people/animals) and know there's no flexibility there at all. That makes it far clearer for them to know what's acceptable. Eg they believe children should have free access to sweets and fizzy drinks whereas we don't let DS have them at all so they know not to offer them to him.

Looking back at the OP, unless the yoghurt was the intended "afters" then I can´t really see a problem tbh.

We use the rule "what happen's regarding food at nanny's house doesn't happen at home, my children see grandparent once a week for an hour or two and certainly get their fair share of treats, in our home it's back to our rules...plus my parents have been waiting to play the fun softy grandparents after having to be the responsible parents for so long!

Am i the only one who doesn't regard yoghurt as a 'treat'?

It is a pot of yoghurt, not a kilo of sweets.

Sometimes i leave it on the table and my dcs might have it after the meal or they might mix it with the food (!), dd likes it with peas.
Or sometimes they have it before the meal (they dip veg in it while i'm preparing the meal if we are running late).

Mil gives them 'tzatziki' (yoghurt, cucumber, mint).

It is full of calcium isn't it?

YABU. Your MIL was cooking lunch. Grannys soil their Grandchildren. She gave him a yoghurt not sweets and a yoghurt is actually betterthan smiley faces. But i do agree with you she souldn't encourage them to lie to you

Hmm but was it a natural yoghurt or a petit filous? It makes all the difference
I don't hold with all this "grannys spoil the grandkids - it's what they do" nonsense. Some do and some don't. I hope if I get to be a granny I will have some consideration for how my behaviour can make life more difficult for the parents.