to think that MIL gave DS2 desert when I told him no...

[Julezboo]

Long standing history with my MIL. We tolerate each other.

We went round for lunch yesterday, first annoyance she cooked DS2 a whole different meal, now when i do a roast dinner I will do him sausages rather than chicken but he still gets veg etc on his plate.

He ate ONE smiley face. I told him he will not get any afters if he didnt finish his dinner. MIL kept asking me over and over and over if he could have his afters, making up excuses as to why he didnt eat his dinner. I stood firm, kept saying no, he needs to learn, he's 3yrs old now. And a fussy eater so its a lot of trouble to get him to eat anything but cereal most of the time but i percevere and will not give him anything else or different to what we eat.

Little while later MIL and the two boys are in the bedroom, it all goes quiet, when they walk back into the living room MIL rushes over to wipe DS2 mouth.

DS2 pipes up "i eated something" I asked him what he had and he said a yogurt.

So I said, "right come on kids we are going, she obviously doesnt want to listen to me as the boys parents and I wont stick around and be lied to"

She denied it of course, but a 3 yr old imo doesnt know how to lie. She has done this a few times before, if i say no to them she will wait till I am out of sight and give in.

We left to come home and I still didnt get the whole truth but even her asking me over and over again if he could have a cake is imo undermining me. So add into that DS2 told me he had a yogurt and she rushed to wipe his face before i saw it. I was bloody annoyed. DH stood ground with her too.

I am pissed off with her encouraging my boys to lie to me.

So was IBU to snap and say what I did, or should i have kept schtum!

YAbothBVU to make such big issue around food .

A family sunday meal should be a good memory for the children not a battle over control. You are both giving wrong messages to the children.

I´d be more concerned that she does a different meal of crap than the yoghurt tbh.

And if she asks again & again, just tell her that you already said no & that´s it.

But it´s not really worth stressing over.

Also, depending on portion sizes & what the pudding is, should children really be encouraged to eat everything first?

YANBU it sounds to me like you're pissed off at being undermined rather than the eating issue.

But what is a smiley face?

I sympathise as my ds is also a shite eater and I loathe those sort of battles.

Perhaps you could call her and tell her to totally back off and that you don't appreciate her undermining you. I wouldn't get into excuses eg we're trying to get him to eat properly. Doesn't matter what you are trying to do, what matters to you is that she doesn't undermine you.

The food isnt really the issue here, that was an example.

diddl - I never ever make them clear their plates before they get desert. But I do like thm to have more than a mouthful before declaring they have finished.

It was the fact she went behind my back and gave him something after I'd said no. AND she kept asking me if he could have something, because the smiley faces were cooked diferently, or he was tired or some other reason she made up out of thin air, all this was done in front of both boys. And I constantly have to battle with them when I say no, they ask over and over again and her doing it as an adult is telling them its okay to go behind mums back or keep asking and she'll give in.

The yogurt wasnt the issue, the smiley facs were because he does expect a different meal to everyone else.

YANBU Julezboo, she sounds like a nightmare

it's the sort of dripfeeding negativity that makes you want to scream

I sympathise

With my mil the best route is for the boys to spend time with her without us adults around as she does the same undermining of our authority.

If we all visit together then it is easiest if it is for a short time. A chat after lunch is good. We live next door so that is easy.

What helps is seeing her do the exact same thing to other mothers and children when they visit her. I think it is her wish to act as mother in place of any real one.

I gave up on discussing it calmly some years ago! Long term strategic planning is best I think, focus on what works ie help when you feel ill, help for her with stuff you know helps her and reduce the time in those awkward situations.

YANBU - sounds like she created the fuss over dinner. Your response was a little daft but hink you accept that. Sounds like it was the result of a all the things she did 'wrong' not just the yoghurt. Agree with whoever said mealtimes should be nice nit a big deal, encourages fussy eaters to fuss more.

milou - thats exactly what we do. I very rarely spend time over the tbh, Even when we go for dinner we leave shortly afterwards. When we left yesterday we were getting ready to leave anyway.

We have been through all this with DS1 with her, so I dont know why she thinks it okay to do with DS2. God forbid she tries it with DS3 when he arrives lol!

I am a bit calmer now. The boys ate all their dinner AND got afters today Homemade chips and burgers :)

I'm not a fan of the "eat all your dinner before you get pudding" approach and I don't think it does anything to help fussy eaters. It gives the message that the meal is not nice if they need a bribe to eat it. It wouldn't be an approach I would use myself but if a friend and their child were eating at our house and this was the mothers way of doing things I wouldn't be giving sly yoghurts as it would be completely undermining the mother who has the right to parent in her own way. I also expect other people to respect my choices as a mother.
As for lying about it afterwards and encouraging your DS to lie she is behaving like one of his peers rather than a responsible adult.

Just read your last post. TBH I wouldn't battle with her over your choices. When she starts arguing with you next time just tell her "this is what we are doing and if you don't stop banging on we're going home because you're irritating the hell out of me". Either that or after saying no a few times I would just go deaf - she is ignoring you so do the same back.

*disclaimer - I would actually be too much of a wuss to do either of these things but I can dream.

yanbu about the lying but jesus are you going to create a fussy eater.

how am i flying?

i know where OP is coming from except my own folks did this twice over the past few weeks to which i've had to say something and DH also defended me.

it is clearly undermining your authority if your MIL goes against your wishes like this. you need to be upfront with her and say why you don't want your DS to have afters.

I was furious when my folks did this past couple of times and couldn't take any more so had to let off steam and tell them why I didn't want DS to have chocolate.

YANBU

Not sure what FITC is getting at but I wouldn't coax with the offer of a pudding or try and get kids to eat a few more mouthfuls as I think they end up fussing for the attention. If you put food in front of a hungry child they will generally eat.
DD gets a pudding after her tea whether she cleans her plate or doesn't touch a thing and it is always fruit. If she leaves a meal she can snack on veggie sticks til her next meal but, like you, I don't offer an alternative meal but as I say we all do things differently and it's not really the issue here anyway - the issue is that MIL undermined you which she shouldn't have done whether she agreed with your methods or not.

My view on this is as follows.

Your MIL is bang out of order. She undermined you and created an "us and them" culture where it wasn't needed or warranted. It shoudln't really matter to her so much that your son gets pudding - or whatever you call it - its not as if she slaved over that yogurt for hours is it!

Your interactions with her and your children should be parent/child between you and your kids, adult/adult between you and her, and adult/child between her and your kids, or, if appropriate, parent/child if you are on the same wavelength.

She reverted to child/child between her and your kids, and parents/child to you (where at first, she was the parent and you the child, and then she the child and you the parent)

At no point was she adult/adult with you. Which makes it hard to address her as an adult yourself. It sort of forces you into either being childish with her, or feeling shrewish and bossy towards her (parent)

There are various ways you can deal with it. Take the "power" away from her by agreeing with everything she wants on the basis that you are not there often. (If you are there weekly or more, this may not work). Then, whatever happens, there is no conflict and she has no power. Then, regardless of what your child eats, there can be no issue between you and her and no "damage" can occur with the relationship or be picked up on with your kids.

If its a more regular thing, you could tackle it. You could argue the point of this depending how often it happens. It will make you look more shrewish and petty though (even though its your will and important to you) which is to a point playing into her hands and giving her more power.

You could argue she wants you to play this game - she depends on this to have some fodder to hate you for. Do you want to hand it to her on a plate?

You could also argue your approach to food with your kids but that's not what you were asking so I wont go there in this thread.

In essence, though, YANBU

It's probably just an unfortunate selection of your DS's diet but:

Chips, sausage, smiley faces, burger v yogurt

A lot of people would view yogurt as the healthiest option.

lol was waiting for that cumfy.

we wont be going for dinner there for a while.

eventide - there was no coaxing, normally if he doesnt eat his dinner, thats that, it doesnt turn into a huge fuss. MIL turned it into a big fuss imo. We leave his plate for a while on the side in the kitchen, if he asks for it again I will heat it up. I dont reward them with desert, they often dont even get that, but it was sunday dinner. It was an example of her undermining me, of which she does A LOT.

Sloanypony - thankyou for your post, it was a big help to me. Made it clearer on how I will deal with this.

FITC - I dont see how I am creating a fussy eater. I feed him what we all eat. If he doesnt eat it, we dont make a fuss, if he gets hungry later on he gets fruit.

I did exactly the same with DS1 and with the exception of marmite and curry he will eat anything and try most things.

Animula - thankyou for your posts too, the cruel mother comment came during a row after I had pulled her up about undermining me again. DS1 was doing the whole delayed bedtime routine, he'd had a drink, he was fed, he was just asking for a drink over and over. I had gone to bed myself, she took him in a drink. He came and told me. I said nothing, until the next day when she kicked off at me because I wouldnt leave him with her. It completely blew up and tbh I felt sorry for DH, she tried to make him choos between the two of us, told me I was a crap mum and I need to listen to her because she knows whats shes doing. I told her, I have done okay with DS1 so far (he was 3 when I met DH) and I would like to make my own mistakes just like most parents do. Thats when she told me I was a cruel mother who will drive my kids away. She told DH she would have nothing more to do with the grandchildren.

I admit, i was OTT about how I reacted on Sunday, but there is only so much you can take and I am hormonal, id spent the day throwing up and I snapped. It doesnt happen often.

He´s surely already fussy if he expects & gets different to everyone else?

why are you cooking him separate sausages instead of giving him roast chicken?

Food should be completely divorced from reward/punishment. If you decide to have a main course and pudding, then serve it, no matter what's been finished. Or don't have a pudding at all if you'd rather.

Having x because you've finished y -- that way madness lies.

I'd say your MIL has the right idea. Food is fun, it's tasty, whether it's veg or yoghurt. Just stick to your guns and only serve/have in the house what you're happy to eat as a whole family

So DS2 is a fussy eater but when he does eat something vaguely healthy (yoghurt) you blow up and storm out in a huff.
Way to go.

Are you jealous that he will eat at MIL's but not at yours? If food is such a big battle why do you visit at mealtimes?

Plus kids aren't stupid and form their own relationships with different people. Your MIL was probably bonding with her grandson in that way they do (conspiratorially) and although annoying I don't actually think it undermines your way of doing things. Because he lives with you and has a different relationship with you. And (forgive me) from what you've said on here, your way of doing things is creating, not curing, a fussy eater.

I've read the OP again and I would be narked that she'd cook him a separate meal. Why do people cook kids separate meals? Why? They can eat what you eat. The only thing my 23 month old can't tolerate is sizchuan peppercorns and very very hot dried chillies (so I add them at the table)

Cooking fussy kids separate meals is hindering them, not helping them.

TBH if he only ate one "smiley face" I would have taken that as an opportunity to give him some of the meal that everyone else was eating, or disposed of his different meal straight away & given him the same as everyone else.

If he has the same as everyone else at home them he can elsewhere.

what is a smiley face? Sounds nasty!