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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with Grandad, who gave 1st born a fat £2500 cheque and 3rd born a cheapo £6 outfit from Tesco, not even wrapped !!

74 replies

OnEdge · 02/10/2010 00:35

My husband is estranged from his Dad with good reason - too long to go into now, but havnt spoke for 17 years.

When we had our first baby, he sent her a cheque for £2500. I said to husband that we can't just cash it and ignore him. So I saw it as an olive branch, and got in touch opening the door for him to get to know his Grandaughter. My husband and his sister, who is also not speaking to her dad were synical and said he was buying his way into her life.

Then when our son was born, he gave him a couple of gifts, all wrapped up and a cheque for £25.

We had our 3rd recently and he came round and gave her an outfit, not wrapped up
with price tag left on and was £6 from tesco.

I am not bothered about them having "things" but a bit upset that he has treated them so differently, and now I do think that maybe he was buying his contact with his grandaughter.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 02/10/2010 00:40

Yes,. he was buying contact with his grandaughter.

FIL did exactly this when he gave DS1 a pair of cheepo trousers for Christmas, but gave his then only other grand child a TV and DVD player. Funnily enough they hadn't been in contact for 4 years.

larks35 · 02/10/2010 00:40

Sounds like he was, but how sad that he had to! What has he done that means your DH and his sis dislike him so much?

CaptainNancy · 02/10/2010 00:41

Why did you accept the first cheque? If your DH was estranged from his father, I would have destroyed the cheque tbh.

ApocalypseCheese · 02/10/2010 00:45

I feel a bit Sad for the grandfather tbh.

Money talks hey Hmm

scottishmummy · 02/10/2010 00:49

he bought contact,you accepted price
so had he turned up with £2500 for grandchild3 would you complain?is it the cash remuneration or him that irks

chandra · 02/10/2010 00:56

What if he has gone into financial difficulty? People tend to go above the board for first borns ( I disagree that he may have tried to buy his way in). But they often cannot continue to offer the same to other children as by then they may have realised they overspent/can't afford it.

I guess the grandad would feel mortified if he knew you think that of such generous present. In any case, if you felt like that... why did you accept the money??? you know, it is ok to say, thank you for that, it is very generous of you but we can accept such amount of money, why don't you come on x day to meet her and don't worry about gifts?

Condensedmilkaddict · 02/10/2010 04:26

YABU.

Condensedmilkaddict · 02/10/2010 04:26

And greedy.

onimolap · 02/10/2010 04:51

YABU.

Presents are not rights; it is completely up to the donor to give according to their means and inclination at the time of the event, or to choose to not give at all.

Did your earlier re-establishment if contact lead to changes in DH's relationship with his father?

If he is still estranged, and you now wish to be too, then you could always achieve this by returning all the gifts made to all your children. This would be a nuclear option, though.

MaMoTTaT · 02/10/2010 05:12

I think you're all being a bit harsh on the OP.

She had a baby with her DH, the enstranged father sent a cheque for the baby. Probably in a hormone, sleep deprived state she thought that (perhaps naively) it was an opprtunity to creat contact between her (then PFB) child and it's grandfather. She currently has a 4/5/6 (?) week old - so sleep deprived and hormonal again I should imagine

She's said she doesn't care about "things" - (though naturally one would hope that ones children are treated equally by family).

She's just had a light bulb moment that her DH and her SIL were right and that yes - he was probably buying his way into his granddaughters life.

Goblinchild · 02/10/2010 06:48

Tell him he purchased access to one child for a limited amount of time and needs to renew his subscription.

You don't mention what sort of grandparent he has been to your first child, or what the renewed relationship is like between you.
Just the quality of his gifts.
If it bothers you, regard the 2,500 as a one of payment and divide it into three. Each child gets 900 from their grandfather at a time in their lives when it means something, say at 16 or 18. Then you can be fair when he is not.
YANBU to be pissed off, but he sounds an unpredictable and so unreliaable man.

proudnglad · 02/10/2010 07:37

I think you're being harsh to OP too. This is quite a confusing situation and is about the emotions, not the dosh. I'd split it like Goblin said and also, as she said, consider him unpredictable and unreliable and keep him at arm's length (to protect your children from geting hurt).

Whocantakeasunrise · 02/10/2010 07:47

If you have seen him regularly by this I mean anything from once a week to twice a year, all are regularly and healthy depending on logistical matters (distance for example), and other commitments (work for example), since the birth of the first grandchild.

Then I would say YABU.

If you have not had any contact in between each birth due to the grandfather not wanting it not your DH being difficult and then grandfather swans in with gift then YANBU.

BalloonSlayer · 02/10/2010 07:50

I think lots of people go overboard when their children have their "first born" and don't continue it for subsequent children.

I know that these days it's quite common for parents to buy a new buggy for each child but back in the day when you had your first baby you bought: a cot, a pram, a car seat etc which you used for all your children.

Maybe you see the money as a gift to go in your DC's bank account, but he saw it as a gift to the family to buy stuff with.

Realistically, would you have expected to have received £7500 from him by now for your children?

I can imagine it's a pain but I would split it between the DCs.

Whocantakeasunrise · 02/10/2010 07:52

Very good point balloonslayer.

Goblinchild · 02/10/2010 07:54

A new buggy and stuff for Each Child?
Really?
No wonder modern parenting is so expensive.

MmeBlueberry · 02/10/2010 08:01

We received a lot of money (iro £1000) from each set of grandparents when DS1 was born, and then really just an outfit for all the others.

We bought a cot, pram etc for the first, which were then handed down to all the others. I don't see any injustice on their behalf - we were just glad to get the help when we really couldn't afford much ourselves. Our pram and cot did last through all six children, btw.

Nothing to do with newborns, but my FIL gives a cheque to all his children every Christmas, and sometimes it is four a few thousand and other times just a few hundred. It all depends on how his stocks and dividends are doing. He has to make sure that he first has enough to support himself in his retirement before giving anything away.

Whocantakeasunrise · 02/10/2010 08:03

And of course MmmeBlueberry that is rightly so.

MmeBlueberry · 02/10/2010 08:04

BTW, access to his grandchildren shouldn't have a price tag. It is a very sad situation if this is the case. It is not your FIL's fault but your DH's.

piscesmoon · 02/10/2010 08:09

It is sad but you just have to accept it. I would share the 1st cheque 3 ways.

(I am amazed that people have new equipment for each DC-I had second hand in the first place. A baby is one time when you can get away with it-they can't complain and they really don't care what type of buggy they have!)

rantyknickers · 02/10/2010 08:13

My FIL does this a little. Not maliciously but he just forgets that he gave DS1 much more. So ds1 would get a £500 cheque for Christmas and now they both get £100. I dont have a problem with this but I make sure there is an equal amount in each Ctf by topping it up myself.

He bought ds1 a steiff bear when he was born but not Ds2. I did ask him if he could buy one for DS2's first Christmas instead as I felt that was something that they would both know grandad had bought them itswim.

In your situation though I would judge it on what he's like now, not the total of his gifts.

Does he have good relationship?

rantyknickers · 02/10/2010 08:15

Also, why would you have new equipment for each baby?

ChewbaccaDefense · 02/10/2010 08:22

Share the cheque 3 ways.
What kind of Grandad is he I think is more pertinent then how much money did he spend. If he's a lousy father but a good grandad then there shouldn't really be a problem. If he's an awful grandad too then maybe you need to cut your losses.

mayorquimby · 02/10/2010 08:22

seems like he can't win. Gives a lot of money and he's "buying a relationship" doesn't give much and he's not paying enough.

puddlepuss · 02/10/2010 08:23

I'm with proudnglad on this. There's obviously a lot of bad feeling surrounding the whole situation and the FIL obviously has 'previous' for his children to feel that way about him. I don't think the amount of money is the issue, I think it's how he's acted as a person and what he's done to make up for whatever went on between him and his children that counts. If that has been lacking then no gifts will come across well no matter how well intentioned.