to be pissed off with Grandad, who gave 1st born a fat £2500 cheque and 3rd born a cheapo £6 outfit from Tesco, not even wrapped !!

[OnEdge]

My husband is estranged from his Dad with good reason - too long to go into now, but havnt spoke for 17 years.

When we had our first baby, he sent her a cheque for £2500. I said to husband that we can't just cash it and ignore him. So I saw it as an olive branch, and got in touch opening the door for him to get to know his Grandaughter. My husband and his sister, who is also not speaking to her dad were synical and said he was buying his way into her life.

Then when our son was born, he gave him a couple of gifts, all wrapped up and a cheque for £25.

We had our 3rd recently and he came round and gave her an outfit, not wrapped up
with price tag left on and was £6 from tesco.

I am not bothered about them having "things" but a bit upset that he has treated them so differently, and now I do think that maybe he was buying his contact with his grandaughter.

I agree, mayor. I am scratching my head here in disbelief.

He was such a bad father that his DS hasn't spoken to him for 17yrs and yet you are expecting a wonderfully fair grandad!
There seems to be 2 choices

1. You want to continue the relationship and the DCs to have a grandad.
2. You accept that DH was right to sever contact and don't have anything to do with him.

I would go for choice number 1 , but accept that he isn't gong to be the 'ideal' grandad and that you just take him as you find him, with no big expectations.

Other than gifts, does he have any relationship with the grandchildren?

There is the possibility that he simply cannot afford lavish gifts any more?
I would try and base your relationship with him more on the relationship part, not the material part.

I don´t understand.

Husband is estranged from his father-"with good reason".

Cheque turns up-why doesn´t it just get sent back?

Perhaps he was acting on guilt with the cheque? Would put the money to one side for the kids in the future. Send him a thank you card & photo of his grandchildren.

YABU how do you know what his financial situation is? Maybe he no longer has that amount of money to spend on presents? It's the thought that counts, not the amount of money. Be grateful for everything, and never expect more.

Am with diddl.

Dh is estranged from his father and we had received a cheque of any amount it would of been returned with a terse no thank you.

None of us can really know if you are BU without a few more facts which you may or may not feel like gving.
But :
a. Did you establish any contact after the first cheque?
b. If not why would you expect any more money?
c. Why did you cash it anyway if the gulf between you all is so wide?
d. Do you notify him of the arrival of your other children? Card or anything?
e. If there is no contact, why on earth would you expect him to still be sending £££?

I am with diddl.

Thesecondcoming, I think you are allowed to comment on it but why judging? Maybe granny did not think about the fact you would have more children and has not got enough money to give tha same to all? Maybe she thought that something she had put effort in it would be more precious to you/your Ds than money? Maybe she just forgot what she had given to your first born?

There could be so many reasons.

TBH I find these situations very as it shows money is more iportant than family to some.

I would have sent the cheque back and said that contact didnt need paying for and that of course he could see his grandchild.

I think YABU, you say its not about the money but why mention it otherwise.

YANBU, it's not about the other two not getting money, it's about them being treated totally different. Far better to give them all £6 outfits. ALthough, the FIL may have given that cheque for a first child to help with cot/pram etc. which wouldn't be needed with 2nd/3rd. Or he did a common thing which is just not be as WOW with 2nd , 3rd grandchildren (the amount of cards I got dropped with each child for example). Or, he has bought his way in. I really don't know, but I wouildn't dismiss the third as I got nothing for my birthday from my mum but she has been running around looking for antique opal jewelery for my ssters birthday this month and my sister disowned my mum and refuses to see/talk to her.

My parents are extremely generous types. When DD was born they gave us £1000 and my mother joked that it was only £50 for any subsequent children. What she meant was, this is because it's the expensive first one, lots to buy, this will help. Don't expect it for the others, doesn't mean we'll think any less of them.

Now obviously that's a different situation to thesecondcoming's MIL who sounds bonkers and the op where there are other issues. But it doesn't necessarily reflect the interest in the child.

I think it all has to depend on how he has been as a grandparent since you gave him his chance.
Has he been to see kids regularly?
Or has he done what my dad did and tried to buy them with gifts without actually spending any time with them?

I don't think it has to be about the money, or whatever else he 'gives' as 'gifts'.
But his actions.
If he has been an ok grandad since the £2500 then the cheque has the sae moral value as the clothing.
If he has not, then I would be comparing the two.

I would take the £2500 as the huge first gesture (perhaps the only way he knows - not always right or a good way to do it, but money talks and he maybe can't say what he wants to say?) and the £6 suit with just as uch value IF he has made the commitments elsewhere. But ONLY if he he has.

You may well have valid issues with your FIL

Unfortunately you and your DH have allowed yourseves both in RL and on here to link his relationship with his grandchild with financial return.

You couch your complaints about him totally in terms of the money he has spent, not in terms of visits, or affection or care.

You are therefore slightly hampered in having any moral cause for complaint.

I agree with those who say that often money for firstborn is to buy stuff that will then last for all children, not a present for the baby itself.
Also his financial circumstances may have changed.
I tend to give more for a first baby to friends/ relatives as you need more when first baby born.

I think the £2500 was to help towards the cost of starting a family rather than just for the first child. If you don't view it in this way it could be argued that you where greedily expecting £2500 for each child!

yabu

How can you expect 2.5k for each child

You sound very grasping
Shame on you

Can you just split the money between each childs accounts?

My XP's parents gave DS £1k when he was born (they had won a small amount of money) but they didn't equal it when we had DD. I'm going to look at the dc's accounts in a couple of years and maybe split the money between them just to even it up a bit.

If you are estranged, why would you accept the money?

I would have seen that money as 'starting a family' money that all the subsequent DCs would also benefit from - cot/nappies/furniture/toys etc etc.
I gave my brother and his GF quite a bit of money for their first. They've not had another baby - but if they do I won't give that much again.

you just have to accept what has happened,a lot of grandparents go overboard with 1st GC it happened in my family and caused a lot of upset but it's not worth a fall out .My MIL one Xmas gave one GS a £90 gokart and my son got a £1 brush and comb set.I also have a friend who adopted her two DCs and her parents have never given them a gift for birthday or Xmas as they are no relation to them,so think on

hmmm.... I do think it's importnat that grandchildren are be treated equally. If he wanted to give an amount of money to the op's daughter (i.e, money for when she's older) he should give the same amount to any other grandchildren, OR say 'this money is for my grandaughter and to be split between any future grandchildren.'

If the money was for baby things, however, I think it's totally fair to assume that the money is to buy things that can be used again, as another poster has mentioned. My MIL bought a pram for my SIL's first baby but not for the second child- they could either reuse it or buy their own. She's already said she'll buy one for our baby (I'm currently pregnant) so it's fair