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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with Grandad, who gave 1st born a fat £2500 cheque and 3rd born a cheapo £6 outfit from Tesco, not even wrapped !!

74 replies

OnEdge · 02/10/2010 00:35

My husband is estranged from his Dad with good reason - too long to go into now, but havnt spoke for 17 years.

When we had our first baby, he sent her a cheque for £2500. I said to husband that we can't just cash it and ignore him. So I saw it as an olive branch, and got in touch opening the door for him to get to know his Grandaughter. My husband and his sister, who is also not speaking to her dad were synical and said he was buying his way into her life.

Then when our son was born, he gave him a couple of gifts, all wrapped up and a cheque for £25.

We had our 3rd recently and he came round and gave her an outfit, not wrapped up
with price tag left on and was £6 from tesco.

I am not bothered about them having "things" but a bit upset that he has treated them so differently, and now I do think that maybe he was buying his contact with his grandaughter.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 02/10/2010 15:49

TSC, we're not missing the point we are suggesting that maybe the money was not for the baby personally but for the couple-becoming-a-family to help them with the big one-off expenses, and was therefore a one-off gift.

brassband · 02/10/2010 18:39

You should just be very grateful for the eldest child's £2500 not whinging about not getting it for the others!

FlyingInTheCLouds · 02/10/2010 18:53

tsc - that'spretty normal. my gps gave us £100 bwith ds1 and cards for the other 2 as they wanted to help us.

ds1 got presents galore.

dd2 got a few

dd1 got some cards and some gratefully recived hand me downs tis the way it goes.

ilovehens · 02/10/2010 19:01

You set yourself up for this when you accepted the cheque.

annapolly · 02/10/2010 19:11

I think he probably did buy contact. Luckily your DCs are too young to know.

I can understand why you are upset. My Mil was the same with my 3 DCs, and I told her I don't care what she gives them, but she will give them all the same or nothing.

Your FIL, probably gave the money as an olive branch, he gave as much as he could afford, not thinking about what would happen in the future.

As long as he treats them all the same in the future, I would not worry about it.

A1980 · 02/10/2010 19:11

I haven't read the whole thread, i don't have time, so sorry if it's already been asked.

But how old is the grandad? Is he retired? If your DH hsan't had much contact with him for years, how do you know what his finances are like. Perhaps he can't afford £2500 per child or even a few hundred pounds per child.

I feel a bit sorry for him. He still came to see her and he still brought her a present. It's the thought that counts. Perhaps he isnt well. I would never throw a gift back in a relatives face or be upset by it particularly if they have given me £2500 for my first child.

I'm sure everyone's heard of the term precious first born. It's usually the case that the PFB gets showered with bigger presents as by the time you've got to DC3 you've got everything. You already have a cot, a pram, lots of clothes etc.

IUsedToBeFab · 02/10/2010 19:14

This happened with us. We got things for our first from various people but these same people either sent less or nothing. It happens.

IUsedToBeFab · 02/10/2010 19:19

My childrens great grandfather had a thing about sons but when he wrote his will I was pregnant having had a boy and a girl and he left 3/16th for ds1 and dd. We just asked the bank to split in 3 and put it in each account and the new baby that was born 3 months after he died. We are convinced it was 3/16ths for a reason..

MissBeehiving · 02/10/2010 19:43

YABU in judging the quality of a relationship in terms of the material things that are given. I'd much rather make that judgement based on the kind of grandparent he is. If he's crap then money is a very poor substitute, if he's great - why are you worrying about money?

pointydog · 02/10/2010 19:56

I sorta know how you feel. It's not so much to do with the money but to do with treating each child as if they were all equally important.

Your fil probably does not see it the same way as you. Split the £2500 between three accounts, one for each child, and move on.

Heracles · 03/10/2010 03:42

Perhaps if he knew in advance you were going to have three kids he'd have been less generous with the first...

Coralanne · 03/10/2010 04:41

That's true Heracles. When DD had her first they said that they were only going to have one.

Seven years later they have had to buy a new house because they are expecting their 5th on Valentine's day.

When DD1 was born I admit I did go a bit crazy and spent quite a lot of money on her.

Now I can't afford to buy everything times 4 so where I used to spend 20 pound on one item of clothing for DD1, I now get 4 items for the same price.

Coralanne · 03/10/2010 04:45

I'm also a lot wiser now. Instead of buying material things, I usually pay a terms swimming fees or school fees for the term or buy new school shoes etc, when needed.

That leaves DD and her DH more spare cash to treat the DCs occasionally

diddl · 03/10/2010 07:38

Unless FIL is very well off, would you really expect 2500GBP per child?

Gifts, or lack of aside, how much interest has he shown in the children?

How are things with FIL and husband?

annec555 · 03/10/2010 08:56

I agree entirely with Happymummyofone. We actually had this exact situation with my father - I have been largely estranged from him for 19 years and completely estranged for over 10 years. When we contacted him via my godfather to tell him about his grandson he was delighted and sent a large cheque.
After much discussion it was returned with a nice letter saying that we were uncomfortable with accepting such a large amount of money but instead offering to come and see him (he lives at the other end of the country) and asking him to simply buy a toy or similar if he wanted to give anything. We have established a very basic grandparental relationship that he seems happy with and we are all far more comfortable than we would have been if the contact had been established after accepting money - it would always have felt like we had sold him contact rights.
If you want your children to know their grandfather then that is the main issue and has to be dealt with completely separately from any issue of money.
As regards the apparent disparity, I would think that an awful lot of people experience this. A first child is something symbolic, over and above the joy of the child itself. I think a lot of grandparents might give a generous financial gift that cannot be repeated with subsequent children. I don't suppose most grandparents would be thinking ahead to whether they could "match" the gift for any other children who might or might not come along in the future.
To the OP - I think he has effectively "bought" contact. If you were to withdraw it now because of concerns about disparity between the grandchildren then I doubt you will ever feel comfortable about your decision to accept that money.

Original poster

OnEdge · 04/10/2010 22:38

When 1st was born and the cheque arrived, I said to DH how generous it was. He said that if I wanted to cash the cheque and thank him, therefore make contact, that it was fine with him, but he still would not want anything to do with him. So I sent the Grandad a photo album of pictures of GD and contacted him. I thanked him on DD behalf for the money and started taking her round to see him once a week. We have maintained the weekly visits and she is now 3. I really am not bothered regarding the money, we are in our 40`s and not strapped for cash. The Grandad is also well off financially and in very good health. He is 64 I think.

I just thought it was a bit rotten for my son and second daughter to be treated so differently.

We have of course split the money between the 3 of them.

I don't think I am being greedy. And why should I have refused the cheque? It isn't really mine , it is my daughter's - for her not me.

So what have I actually done that is wrong? Once again, MNers have confused me and made me feel like a bit of a c**t and I really don't know what I did wrong but try and do the right thing by my children and give their Grandad a chance to have a relationship with them against the odds.

OP posts:

MangoTango · 05/10/2010 00:19

Tell him he can still see dc1, but if he wants to see dc2 and 3 he needs to send a cheque for £5000.

Whocantakeasunrise · 05/10/2010 07:31

OnEdge - as a grandparent you can't possibly know whether your children are going to have 1 or 10 kids.

As other posters have said I do believe the gift from grandparents especially for the first born, is not intended to go straight into a bank account and sit there until they are eighteen. It is normally to assist the family in the expensive time of purchasing all the gear for a baby. Hence why when it is a subsequent child less is given, as the grandparents presume that the equipment will be reused.

But the key thing here - and dependent on why your dh and his dad aren't talking - I would hazard a guess that it is lack of communication. Did you discuss at any point before the other children came along with the grandparent, is this for equipment or savings account, or did you presume that it was for savings account? If that is what you presumed I'd say that is where the problem lies and why your expectation is unfair.

Going forward to stop any bitterness from developing change your thought on the money say to yourself it was for equipment. Otherwise it is going to be another generation in this family who have a grudge against this man.

MmeLindt · 05/10/2010 07:38

I agree with Balloonsayer.

View the money as a "Setting up the Nursery" present rather than a gift to your first born.

I don't think you are being greedy, just upset that your new baby isn't being treated the same as your first baby.

annec555 · 05/10/2010 08:06

OP - I don't think anyone is suggesting that there is a right or wrong answer, but others have been in similar situations - after all, money and family is not exactly an uncommon dilemma - and shared their experiences and viewpoints.
I find it a little bizarre when someone asks the question "am I being unreasonable" and then has a go at the people who respond, some of whom, myself included, took the time to write substantial replies.
Some people think you should not have accepted the cheque, some think that you should change your thinking about the subsequent gifts, some think you are quite right to feel as you do and some think it is about money. This is a fairly predictable range of responses - you weren't surely expecting a long row of "YANBU"?

nickschick · 05/10/2010 08:13

I think you are being unreasonable.

The money/suit/teddy or cardi was given as 'gifts' to welcome new babies ......its not always about money.

In our house it was v different .....ds1 got the obligatory outfits and baby toys of his Nanna then Ds2 got a new pram/swinging cradle/cot/milk warmer etc etc.

Original poster

OnEdge · 05/10/2010 14:27

annec555 how patronising !

of course I don't expect a row of YANBU.

its a discussion, i am responding to my replies, surely you did not expect me to roll over and piss like a submissive puppy.

I wanted to thrash this out on MN, and i am grateful for the responses

if you're gonna get all precious regarding yours then don't bother, AIBU is not for the feint hearted !

OP posts:

annec555 · 05/10/2010 16:21

You have responded to your replies by saying that "once again MNers have confused me and made me feel like a bit of a c**t", not by actually engaging in discussion or indicating whether or not you take anyone's points on board. People have different opinions - there is no point posting in a section which is about canvassing opinions if you are then going to complain about being confused and made to feel bad.
Presumably the only way that you would not have felt this way is if everyone had agreed that you were right to feel the way you do.
To be honest, I don't particularly care whether or not you accept my opinion or not - I chose to spend the time typing it because your question struck a chord with me. I don't get any benefit from you agreeing or any disadvantage from you disagreeing. But I find it odd that people ask for opinions in this section then complain about the responses.

OrmRenewed · 05/10/2010 16:31

Well looking at it from a positive POV perhaps it was meant as a contribution to your family as a whole when your first child was born. Not to be repeated each time.

And doesn't 'gave her an outfit, not wrapped up with price tag left on and was £6 from tesco' suggest quite clearly that it is at least partly about money?

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