Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to not feel guilty about beating someone up?

78 replies

Notyetamummy · 01/10/2010 14:21

My brother, who is 355 days younger than me, was very ill when he was young. He had severe asthma & excema (had to be wet-wrapped & creamed all over every night), had callipers on both of his legs due to Perthes disease, was behind in school as he was always in the hospital and was very small for his age.

I was healthy and average size, therefore always bigger/faster etc. than my brother.

When I was about 8 and my brother was about 7 I caught this lad in my brother's class (so one year younger than me) who had cornered my brother behind the school bins & was whipping him with tree branches & saying horrible things to him.

I punched him in the face, bloodying his nose, & my best & I friend put him in the big bin.

His mother got called in, took him to the doctors' about his face (his nose was quite badly damaged) & we got in big trouble about bullying younger children. We were never cruel to younger children, this was a one-off offence but as it was 'serious' we were in big trouble.

Anyway, when I left primary I didn't see this chap again for a very very long time until last week when I went out with some of DH's friends & he was a friend of DH's friend and was there. He is huge now! I didn't recognise him but he told me who he was. He was very pleasant and we got on OK but then he said "Do you remember that time that you and ... ganged up on me & broke my nose?" Attempting to make me feel guilty.

Am I unreasonable to still, now that I am older and wiser, not feel guilty?

I suppose I would tell children now to tell a teacher & not use violence, but I can still picture my poor little brother being so upset - he was regularly bullied by this boy and I think he deserved the beating.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notyetamummy · 01/10/2010 14:59

I said

"From what I remember, you deserved it"

he said

"How does anyone deserve a broken nose?"

I said

"because you were an evil little git who picked on 'bro's name'"

he said

"Nah, I was pals with your bro - we all teased each other. It's what lads do"

I must have looked like I was getting angry at that point as DH stepped in and changed the conversation.

He was sooo horrible to my brother that my mum considered us changing schools! The school didn't do anything about it.

Now I come to think of it, it is a little funny now - he is a huge, broad shouldered builder & I am 5ft3 and not particularly strong.

OP posts:

Kathyjelly · 01/10/2010 15:00

YANBU. He got what he deserved and should have got over it by now. I hope you told him so....in a smiley "time to forgive & forget" way.

Acanthus · 01/10/2010 15:02

That's interesting. He has probably convinced himself of that over the years. Is that what all bullies do, I wonder, to live with themselves?

Original poster

Notyetamummy · 01/10/2010 15:05

The reason that I have asked on here is because I told my friend about it and she said "That's awful, I hope that your parents told you off to teach you that violence is never the answer."

I said that actually my Nan had said that she was pleased with us which my friend found shocking.

I gave her a long list of things he'd done to my brother and she said:

"but violence is never the answer and you (An eight year old) should have gone through the proper channels."

She got quite frustrated that I wouldn't agree with her & admit my guilt.

OP posts:

Lovecat · 01/10/2010 15:19

YADNBU and your friend sounds like a bit of a wally (if not the model for Viz's Modern Parents)

Lauriefairycake · 01/10/2010 15:20

I wouldn't condemn you - I've attacked 2 people since I've been an adult for doing something similar

One was a group of girls who were spitting on one much younger (girls were about 14/15/16 - the younger one was about 10) - I yelled at them "what the hell are you doing?" and the little darlings turned on me so I wacked the lead girl with my handbag and acted all nuts and they ran off.

Once was when I was a student (17) and this huge bloke was beating his girlfriend in the street - everyone was standing around vaguely shouting about calling the police (student area, everyone was scared) - I immediately ran over and rugby tackled him (at the time I was 7st and I'm only 5ft tall) to the ground and started yelling like a lunatic. This then caused others to intervene and the rozzers turned up.

I have absolutely no sense of personal safety.

nickelbabe · 01/10/2010 15:22

obviously, we would say that violence is never an answer, but to your 8-year-old self, I would say "good on you" You protected your brother against a nasty bully, and he obviously doesn't feel bad about that, as he has now maintained, as an adult (who should know better), that he is not sorry for being an evil git who picked on your brother.

For that comment alone I would say you should do it again.

I never condone violence, but I think you did the best for your brother and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

nickelbabe · 01/10/2010 15:24

and when we were kids, if someone bullied us, our parents would advise us to hit the bully, because usually it stopped it.

Original poster

Notyetamummy · 01/10/2010 15:32

Just out of interest - what would you all say to your children now, if the school called you as they had done exactly what I had done?

OP posts:

jameelaq · 01/10/2010 15:35

You put him in a bin! Lucky he wasn't a cat! You'd have been hounded out of town for that nowadays by all the icky sicky animal lovers

nickelbabe · 01/10/2010 15:36

Notyetamummy - I would ask why my child had done such a thing, and if it transpired that it was punishing a bully, i would congratulate them, and then state afterwards that they should not do that again, but tell a teacher.

prozacfairy · 01/10/2010 15:40

It's only "harmless teasing" when you are the harmless teaser. Otherwise it isn't harmless at all.

And last time I checked harmless teasing didn't involve whipping someone. sounds like he needs to see a doctor as his memory is clearly failing on him. Maybe coz he got shoved in a bin?

jinglesticks · 01/10/2010 15:41

yanbu - I did a similar thing, hitting a girl who was bullying my little sister. I do feel guilty though because I don't really think she deserved it. My sis was a wuss and it wasn't serious bullying. In your case sounds like the little shit deserved it.

xstitch · 01/10/2010 15:45

YANBU ( opened this thread to tell you you were . I would have added "teasing?, Is that what beating a disabled child with a branch is called?"

I also agree with prozac, when you are the victim its not harmless at all.

DirtyMartini · 01/10/2010 15:46

Your goody-two-shoes friend is showing a serious lack of empathy IMO. I support your lack of guilt.

Lauriefairycake, you sound awesome too :)

thefirstmrsDeVere · 01/10/2010 15:46

I have a disabled child and if someone was hitting him with sticks I would expect his elder brother to defend him.

It would depend on how much older the sibling was than the bully though. If it was a 15 year old mashing up a 6 year old I would be mortified.

In your case i would have given you extra Angel Delight at tea time

That bloke knows what he did. That is why he bought it up in the way that he did. Why else would a great big bloke admit he had his arse kicked by a little girl?

It had to be 'you ganged up on me and...'

I have seen quite a few chat shows on bullies. American ones where the bullied (now adult) child wants to confront their bully. Unfortunately they usually do it wearing spandex and hooker shoes and have huge breast implants. They have worked towards this for years 'look at me now, I am so hot and you made my life hell!'

In most cases the bully doesnt even remember them, let alone acknowledge what they did. Its really sad.

bintofbohemia · 01/10/2010 15:47

Laurie, you sound fucking ace!

I totally didn't expect to come on here and say YANBU but that's my verdict.

With nickelbabe on the explanation to the child.

taintedpaint · 01/10/2010 15:51

OMG, you are soooooooo NBU!!!! You shouldn't have had to resort to what you did, but it's not as if you chose to give the little shit a good kicking is it? And he sounds like a complete asshole even now.

Well done you for calling him out on it. Hopefully it's given him food for thought.

PaulineCampbellJones · 01/10/2010 15:52

Love the bit about the bin!
YANBU
The most sad thing is that he has no idea of the impact it had on your brother.

2blessed2bstressed · 01/10/2010 15:54

YANBU, at all! Your friend sounds like a bit of a dafty - and bloke in question sounds like he hasn't improved much with age. Laurie, I bow before your awesomeness

prozacfairy · 01/10/2010 15:57

Ofcourse violence isn't the answer. But try telling pretty much anyone that when someone they love and care about is suffering at the hands of others.

My sister was always there to stand up for me when someone picked on me (she was loads bigger than midget little me) and I'd happily batter 10 shades of shit out of anyone who bullied her. If she ever needed me too. Which she doesn't as she can fight her own battles

I hate it when bullying is written off as harmless teasing. Teasing is something you do to one another. Bullying is totally one sided. If you're "teasing" someone and they don't "tease" back you're a bully. Plain and simple.

prozacfairy · 01/10/2010 15:58

And your friend is totally wet btw.

mrsunreasonable · 01/10/2010 16:35

seems like you got in just right. My dad always told me if you are ever in the position where you feel you have to hit someone eg being attacked/defending someone etc make sure you do it right. There is no point hitting someone if they aren't going to remember it in the future. Well done to you!

Kathyjelly · 01/10/2010 16:36

Notyet, I beg to differ with your friend.

I was bullied by one specific boy from the day I started senior school until the last day of the third summer term. He just wouldn't let up. I put up with him for three years, I ignored him, I tried to rise above it and then, finally on that day I'd had enough and I thumped him on the train going home. Not just one punch, I did a really thorough job. He never told anyone (he'd have had to admit a girl beat him up) and he never hassled me again.

So while I wouldn't recommend it to my DCs, it solved the problem. And I should add, it's the only time I ever hit anyone except my little sister.

colditz · 01/10/2010 16:42

When I was ten I pinned a smaller 10 year old boy up against a wall and pounded on him for being horrible to my 5 year old brother.

Genetics can be odd.

Flip

1 2 3 4