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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be the type of person who harbours (very) long grudges against people?

53 replies

Mowiol · 30/09/2010 22:29

I know I probably am ....... but:

I was thinking about this with regard to another thread and I realised that I am, indeed, someone who harbours actual hate in my heart for:

The swimming instructor who mocked my real fear of water

The horrible bitchy girls who made fun of me at secondary school because I was "clever", tall, skinny and didn't have "fashionable" clothes,

The boys I encountered at school who also made fun of me (because I was tall, skinny, didn't have "fashionable" clothes)

The absolute c..t of a supervisor I used to work with whose sole purpose in life was to undermine everyone myself included

In fact anyone who made my life hell and who made me feel awful.

I am old enough (i.e. nearly 50!) to be able to rationalise all of this but I still hate them and consequently feel I am belittled by that hate.

OP posts:
loopyloops · 30/09/2010 22:30

hate? really?

BeerTricksPotter · 30/09/2010 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 30/09/2010 22:32

I'm not sure I'd like to call it a grudge, but if you find out someone's a wanker it's hard to flip the switch in your head that says actually they're a Really Nice Person.

ilovehens · 30/09/2010 22:33

It's happening because you are running the memories through your mind and that, in turn, arouses the emotions that you felt at the time when it all happened.

You can stop this from happening and CBT is supposed to be very good for this.

I have the same problem and have to keep distracting myself and forcefully stopping the thoughts before they make me feel upset.

I hope you manage to find a way of tackling the problem.

Appletrees · 30/09/2010 22:33

I bear grudges too, but I don't hate the people. For me there's a friend who let me down badly and some people I had a business connection with.

They simply don't exist for me. I should turn the other cheek, forgive, but I can't, unless they apologise. I just wiped them off my brain and I never feel the need to tell them what for, or clear the air, or acknowledge them in any way. So there've been attempts at "moving on" from the other parties but without a profoundly grovelling apology it's just not an option for me. I have no interest.

Original poster
Mowiol · 30/09/2010 22:39

loopyloops - that's my worry actually, there are 3-4 people who made my life hell at one stage or another and I don't like the word "hate" but I actually do hate them.

Not proud of that at all.

And AgentZigZag - I must have a "hate/grudge" gene. I'm probably the most awful grudge-ridden person I know.

It worries me that I can hate people.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 30/09/2010 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Appletrees · 30/09/2010 22:41

I think Ilovehens made some good points, about stopping the train of thought.

The best revenge is living well. Smile and win.

2shoes · 30/09/2010 22:41

yanbu
it took me a long time to get over school stuff, and it was only by a chance comment from some one I got back in touch with on friends reunited that finally got me over it.
but you need to let it go and look at yourself now, bet you are a better person than any of them.

Original poster
Mowiol · 30/09/2010 22:49

Well, the 3-4 people I had real problems with (and I mean long term, particularly at school) made me miserable.

I have moved on in life, I can view it all clinically, objectively........... but every now and then it pops up into my head because I know it knocked me down and affected how I developed.

I think I would just love a big time-machine so I could go back and tear strips off them all (in a devastatingly witty and erudite way of course) so that they really saw me as a person and not someone to be bullied/made fun of etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mowiol · 30/09/2010 22:54

2shoes - I like to think I'm a better person than them - but when I think I hate them then I know I'm not IYSWIM.

Hmm ..... I overthink/analyse way too much. Just brings old memories back - never a good thing!!

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 30/09/2010 22:54

I have three people who i actually wish ill.....they were so bad that i will never forgive or forget.....i hope they die in pain and wish that they would remember me on their death beds.......this sounds evil but....i can't even say what an awful affect these people had on my familys/childrens life......they made us homeless....they lied in court and they were believed..............six years later,and we are now(just) on our feet again ......I HATE THEM

pointydog · 30/09/2010 22:57

yabu.

I don't harbour grudges. Reading your list of grudges, I realised what a complete bastard it must be to still harbour all those murky twisty thoughts.

2shoes · 30/09/2010 22:57

Mowiol you are a good person cos you don't like your feelings, but imo they are natural.
the trouble is unfinished business, not getting the chance to tell them how well you have done.
but you know.

southeastastra · 30/09/2010 22:59

you have to learn not to give a shit

Original poster
Mowiol · 30/09/2010 22:59

Oh MoralDefective - that sounds like you have had an awful time.
I hope things are continuing to improve for you.

Sending you best wishes.

X

OP posts:
MistsAndMellow · 30/09/2010 23:02

My sister is a selfish and ferocious cunt who is rapidly bringing about the demise of both my beloved parents.

I'll hold a grudge until she is gone, yes.

snoozathon · 30/09/2010 23:04

I cut people off too. If they hurt me, I don't trust them any more. I don't have many close friends and most of the time I'm happy just me and DH. He's quite antisocial too so we get on ok Grin

I'm not sure if it's the same as grudges, but I do tend to judge people pretty quickly and negatively - she's attractive, she's obviously a cow, she's unattractive, she's obviously no fun, etc. To pass the snooze test, you have to be pretty patient and people think of me as aloof.

God I'm a bitch Sad

Original poster
Mowiol · 30/09/2010 23:05

Pointydog - I don't harbour these thoughts constantly (not really murky or twisty anyway - I openly admitted I plain hate 3-4 people from my past) but it just so happens tonight I realised I do think about these people on and off and have bad thoughts about them.
And it made me stop in my tracks so to speak.

OP posts:
MistsAndMellow · 30/09/2010 23:08

But for everyone else I am very forgiving really! I have had horrific things done to me by outsiders and strangers but you expect that when the people who were supposed to guard you didn't give a toss.

To have had awful and horrific things done to you by trusted relatives is something else.

I keep helping them though, I feel sorry for them.

Moral Defective that sounds terrible Sad

pointydog · 30/09/2010 23:11

I just think if I had those thoughts, they would make me feel murky and twisty. I wouldn't like it.

southeastastra · 30/09/2010 23:13

the moldies harboured a grudge against me

MoralDefective · 30/09/2010 23:15

Thanks,yes they are....but it's taken years and we're not getting any younger...our children were made homeless because these people lied and lied......DD (22)now lives away,yes she's grown up now but we couldn't house her properly when we were first homeless(she and DS1 had to share a room)....she was 18 years old and DS1 was 16.......i don't want to get too teary about it all but they were so spiteful.....we lived in a privately owned close in a HA house and the neighbours were prejudiced from the start........they made us homeless,including our(then)12 year old son............and i might add........Judge Freeman in Bournemouth court....didn't give a damn

Tortington · 30/09/2010 23:16

they did SEA? why?

they never liked me Grin

southeastastra · 30/09/2010 23:18

i gave someone else my password and let them look Grin

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