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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be the type of person who harbours (very) long grudges against people?

53 replies

Mowiol · 30/09/2010 22:29

I know I probably am ....... but:

I was thinking about this with regard to another thread and I realised that I am, indeed, someone who harbours actual hate in my heart for:

The swimming instructor who mocked my real fear of water

The horrible bitchy girls who made fun of me at secondary school because I was "clever", tall, skinny and didn't have "fashionable" clothes,

The boys I encountered at school who also made fun of me (because I was tall, skinny, didn't have "fashionable" clothes)

The absolute c..t of a supervisor I used to work with whose sole purpose in life was to undermine everyone myself included

In fact anyone who made my life hell and who made me feel awful.

I am old enough (i.e. nearly 50!) to be able to rationalise all of this but I still hate them and consequently feel I am belittled by that hate.

OP posts:

MistsAndMellow · 30/09/2010 23:19

Oh MD, how fucking awfully terrible

Judge Freeman is a cock.

Tortington · 30/09/2010 23:21

oh so you were one?! an undercover agent?

i don't hate anyone.

i really dislike ex sil

apart from that, bullies at school - meh i'm over it

ffamily doing shitty things - meh im over it

MoralDefective · 30/09/2010 23:22

Judge Freeman is a cock.....THANKYOU....yes he is!!!!

MistsAndMellow · 30/09/2010 23:39

No need to thank me.

I think most Judges are cocks to be honest. You don't get to be a Judge from a council estate and grammar school, oh no.

These fuckers have no idea.

MoralDefective · 30/09/2010 23:53

MistsAndMellow.....i say thankyou because i never tell anyone else these things....it's all too complicated (embarrassing)and people judge without knowing the facts.......just hearing someone saying that Judges aren't always right is heartening.

MistsAndMellow · 01/10/2010 00:20

They most certainly are not.

Glad my post was heartening

PM me if you like, click on the little envelope at the very top of the screen.

MissWormwood · 01/10/2010 00:25

Mowiol, some people are quite hateful, imo. Tell yourself they were despicable to you and you therefore despise them for that.

But they might regret their behaviour now - you don't really know. Maybe it would be better to assume that they have regrets for their actions as children/immature adults and give them the benefit of the doubt. Then you can move on and forget them.

The CBT sounds like a good idea, if it trains you to redirect your thoughts when they are going down that negative route. You know you cannot change what happened in the past, and rehashing your painful memories over and over won't do you any favours. Let it go, don't bother about it any more - you cannot gain anything positive by brooding on it.

MoralDefective · 01/10/2010 02:02

Your post was heartening..........too much hurt howevever......from courts and Judges and people who were allowed to say their piece without even being present...six years on and i still cannot believe that it was accepted in court that people who would not show their faces would have their word taken as the truth

Heracles · 01/10/2010 02:39

Blimey, all that inside you is unhealthy. Let it go, for pity's sake, you're the only loser in this deal...

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/10/2010 07:46

I have death fantasies.

When someone has 'wronged' me - and this can be anything from the kids who bullied me so badly in school that I tried to kill myself - to the bloke who drove up my bumper when I was going 30 in a 30, then overtook me dangerously and the passenger stuck his hand out of the window and made a rude gesture at me.

I want them to die. I picture things - eg the car guys.. rounding the corner and seeing them crashed into a ditch, bleeding and dying and I slow down and yell "serves you right" and drive off.

I picture people who have done something to me dying and the last thing they see is my face and they know I did it.

I feel a hot burning in my chest whenever I feel someone has done something to me and I can be angry for hours and play out really complicated fantasies that always end with them dying horribly with my face being the last thing they see.

This part of me disturbs me greatly and at times I fear it means I am a psychopath but it's there. And I can't get rid of the burning until I have played out their death in my mind.

Fizzywinelover · 01/10/2010 08:41

some judges are complee and utter cocks.

I will never forgive the judge who was working on the divorce case of a friend of ours. He had been working overseas. His wife had been having an affair, removed all their money from joint accounts and closed them and fucked off. We bought his ticket online and sent him money so he could come back to the UK. The judge said at the outset that the hearing 'had better' be over by noon because he 'had a lunch appointment'. Heard half an hour of it, said that it was clearly a comlicated hearing and he would therefore adjourn it until September... some 4 months hence. My friend returned to our house in tears.

Arrogant fucker.

Hecate, I think what you desrcibe is fairly normal too.

I think if people really really wrong you, it is normal to harbour a grudge. But, it is not normal to harbur grudges like a former friend of mine who when she saw DH and I at the pub with someone SHE had fallen out with, and so left an abusive message on our machine saying we had betrayed her and has never spoken to us again. THAT is a bit pathetic really.

melikalikimaka · 01/10/2010 08:52

Why is it that good people always have shit luck with their health, but the evil ones lives long way after they should.
I could name two people, I would cheer if they croaked it. They are so evil, charming, scheming and yet they get away with it all.

I can honestly understand 'getting out a contract'! [Tho I wouldn't have the nerve]

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 08:59

YABU. Think of the energy you expend doing all that hating. The people you hate have probably forgotten all about it.

I have a tendency to forget all about things almost immediately. Having a crap memory has it's advantages.

Mum is quite lacking in self-confidence. She used to be bullied by Dad's bitch of a sister and he didn't stand up for her - he was terrified of her too. Everyone was. Years after my aunt died she is still talking about it and how dreadful dad was not to stand up for her. He keeps apologising. Dad cracked one day and said 'After all our happy years together why do you only remember the bad times?'. Mum's reply was 'well those are the things that still hurt so I remember them better'. TBH if that is the way her memory works I am bloody glad mine is useless.

Let it gooooo! It will feel so much better.

newwave · 01/10/2010 09:19

This is a subject dear to my heart, If holding a grudge was an Olympic sport I would be a shoe in for gold.

Stuff all this turning the other cheek, forgive and forget, you do me a wrong and you better apologise very very quickly otherwise I WILL do you harm or damage. It may be superglue in your front door lock or stirring up trouble for you but I will, if I can hurt you as much as possible.

Treat me as you wish to be treated and we will get along fine and you will find me a helpful person, do me a bad turn and you had better keep looking over your shoulder.

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 09:33

But why newwave? I don't understand what benefit is has for you.

TheRealChopin · 01/10/2010 09:53

I can relate to this. I hate both my parents and wish I could get away with torturing them slowly to death. Why? Because of the horrific abuse they inflicted on me for years and years. They have never admitted to what they did, never apologised. I have cut them out of my life, and at times, when a painful childhood memory gets triggered, I feel a powerful rage against them, so powerful and energising that if they were stood in front of me then, I could easily kill them with my bare hands.

I'm not ashamed of how I feel. It is a normal reaction to being made to suffer by those who were supposed to love and protect me. If anybody should feel ashamed, it's my parents, but they have no conscience so will never feel remorse or shame.

Thankyou for this thread, it feels good to be able to admit to theses thoughts.

newwave · 01/10/2010 09:55

Orm, self respect for one, dislike of being taken for a mug. The warm feeling when an "enemy" get his/her comeuppance and even better when they know I was responsible for it.

I can/am be a great friend, I will support you when required and help when I can, just treat me as you wish to be treated.

A "supposed" friend slagged me off to a group of mutual friends she is now ostrasised as i told them every snide or dispariging comment she had made about then including calling one persons DH an idiot for marrying her and another that she had called her DS a brat (all true comments from her)

OrmRenewed · 01/10/2010 09:58

Oh well maybe I don't have any enemies then. Or I'm too thick-skinned to notice

I'm not that good at friendships TBH so maybe what people say or do doesn't impact on me.

Morloth · 01/10/2010 09:58

Thing is, the only person being affected by it is you.

So what's the point, they probably don't even remember that you exist and here you are still letting them effect you. Just let it go.

TheRealChopin · 01/10/2010 09:59

New wave, yes me too. I don't give people many chances, 2 strikes and they're out of my life. There are 6 billion people on this planet, there is no need to tolerate being treated badly by anyone, if you are, ditch them and look for a better person to have in your life. And there are plenty of kind, considerate, generous and caring people in this world, there really is NO need to put up with the arseholes.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2010 10:07

Hmm. If your list of people you wish to be revenged on is growing every day, it might be worth asking yourself whether the reason so many people 'wrong' you is beause you are an insane vindictive arsehole that no one wants to be friends with.
I tend to favour the condescending smirk as a way of dealing with people who have done undesirable things to me. If they acted with actual malice, it will infuriate them that I remain unharmed, if they acted out of stupidity, they won;t notice but I will feel better for mocking them to myself.

TiggyD · 01/10/2010 10:10

I've learned to accept that there are some people out there who just aren't very nice. I believe hate for people who treat me badly is an understandable reaction, but if I let it get to me I'll be the loser in the long run.

However, if anybody wants to know about a nursery near Hook who know little about childcare, ignore parents' wishes about sleep and then lie to them, and bullied me until I ran away in tears, message me!

newwave · 01/10/2010 10:17

SGB, no it's not growing every day and I have a few very close friends and others I get on well with.

How each of us deals with those who try to do us harm is up to the individual, if mocking them to yourself floats your boat then so be it.

Trat others as you want to be treated isnt a bad philosiphy. What goes around comes around is fine as well.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2010 10:29

Newwave: I wasn't aiming that post at anyone in particular. However, if anyone I had just met told me that they were a good friend as long as they got their own way but otherwise they would superglue my door and try to hurt me, I would decide they were nuts and get the hell away from them.

AnneTwacky · 01/10/2010 10:30

YABU...

...to yourself. Let the grudges go or you're just continuing to let these people make you feel awful even though they're long since gone out your of life.

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