or is DH? I'm sure it's him :D

[cupcakesandbunting]

Right... DS goes to a pre-school which is attached to the C of E school that I would like him to attend.

I am christened cathlolic (father is a RC italian but mother is C of E) but consider myself more C of E as don't necessarily like a lot of catholicisms teachings. DH is not christened nor does he follow any faith, in fact he is fairly atheist. It's never been a problem before. I am not a "practicing" churchgoer although I do take DS at the "important" times i.e harvest festival, easter, christmas etc etc. DH opts not to attend, that's up to him.

Now, we both chose the C of E school for our DS, probably for different reasons. I do want DS to benefit from the moral guidance aspect of a C of E school (this is not to slate none faith schools, just personal preference) and I would like DS to be involved in a lot of the groups for the school children run by the church. They're very community-minded and I think it's a good thing.

Now, the very petty crux of this is that this sunday, the church are holding a harvest festival for one hour on sunday morning. I am unable to take DS as am away for the weekend but DH is here. I have asked him if he would go along with DS and take some food for the local food bank. DH doesn't want to go. I've pointed out that it is reasonable to expect DS to attend stuff like this if he is attending the schoolm attached to the church. DH says "well yes but we agreed that you would deal with that part of it" It's a one-off. I think he's being a hypocrite. So the faith school is good enough for your son but the faith that comes with it is not? He's using various excuses but they all boil down to he CBA.

AIBU or is he?

He is.

I suppose if he is the one at home this weekend then it is up to him to decide what he is doing and not you. He knows you would like him to go but you can't force him. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but just have different ideas about what is a priority. BTW it would annoy me too but I would just live with it.

Yanbu your dh is BU. If is something that is being organised by your son's school, the school that both you and your dh have agreed that your son goes to, so he should just bloody get on with it, and take the child along.

No one is asking him to renounce his atheism, just to take his own child to an event that the child should be a part of..

Is he normally this arsey?

As an extra point: Festivals for Harvests (Harvest Festivals) are not necessarily tied with Religion.

He isn't normally this arsey, he is usually the more reasonable and flexible of the two of us He just has a problem with religion and he has to make a big song and dance about showing his distaste for it. It does my nut in tbh. I don't expect him to love it but I dread a christening or wedding in a church coming up because he whines about it for weeks beforehand.

I'd understand if our church shoved it down your throat but tbh the emphasis is more on community and children than bible-bashing IYSWIM? It's very informal and pleasant. It would not be a hardship, for ONE hour...

Agreed caramel .
He is being a bit of a twonk tbh - you said yourself he is fairly atheist so not rabidly anti. He should be taking the opportunity to show DS how to act with dignity and with respect to other's beliefs.
Are you sure it doesn't clash with rugby/F1/football/America's next top model?

My DP and I are a mixed faith couple.

He always went to school events associated with my faith/DD's schooling (even Mass).

As He put it; he wanted to be involved/share in our DD's life; not just be a by-stander.

Perhaps it should be pointed out that it's not all about Him.

Exactly, caramel. I've pointed out to DH that this festival is to help the food bank, which ought to appeal to the side of him that is charitable to the point of piousness!

Good point, Tippichooks. Will check TV schedules for F1

Being harsh my guess is that your DH has avoided thinking of himself as a hippocrite (sending ds to a faith school even though he is atheist) becasuse he can say that he is just doing what you want. Magic he gets a good education for his son and does not have to compromise his atheist principles. Now something has emerged which means he has to take a stand and he does not like it.

Oh I'm not sure he is being that arsey, maybe he just thinks its really hypocritical of him to go. We are catholics and dd goes to catholic school, my husband doesn't practice at all, I take the kids to mass. If I were away for the weekend I wouldn't ask husband to take her, they would just miss it. The event is taking place at the church not the school, could you not drop food into the church on a different day?

wiggles I probably should have mentioned in my OP that DS's admission into the school depends on (amongst other things) showing some degree of commitment to the church, which is understandable.

Hmmm... I think I may be one of the few who thinks YABU. If he's uncomfortable with religion and church then it's up to him not to go. Your DS doesn't need to be there?

My DC go to a CofE school as it's our local school, it's a good school, but we're not religious. I don't mind her being taught Christianity, or morals, etc. etc. We just don't do religion as a family.

I see what you're saying BubsMaw but my argument is that if he has a big enough problem with faith to show his fisog in church for one hour in his life, then surely that problem should extend to influencing our choice of school for DS? He is very keen that DS gets into this school (which is over-subscribed, BTW) yet isn't willing to do things that may ensure his entry?

I don't think your dh is being unreasonable tbh. It's up to him what he does with your ds when he's in charge, and going to church is clearly something he doesn't want to do.

I doubt that your ds will be refused entry to the school because he missed harvest festival, unless there's some sort of clocking in device which he has to activate every time he crosses the church threshold

I actually agree with your husband. My DH is RC, I am not at all religious and have major issues with organised religion of all types, however because it was important to him I got married in church and agreed to have the children christened. These were major compromises as far as I was concerned, and as far as I was prepared to go. I regard the childrens religious education and instruction as his responsibility. He takes them to mass and when the time comes he will organise the communions and confirmations. I will not become involved with promoting religion to my children and I have been clear that as soon as they want to stop attending mass they will be allowed to. Nor will they be forced to make communion/ confirmation if they don't wish to.
If your DH as issues with religion then I think you are asking him to be a hypocrite by attending the service with your son. He is not the person to be providing your child with religious guidance.
As for the school I think that is a bit of a red herring to be honest. No school choice is ideal, we all pick the one that suits best not thats a perfect fit. One of your reasons was the religious aspect. Your DH's reasons for preferring this school were obviously different.

I understand that, but surely both parents don't need to be of the same faith. And I'm probably being really naive but how would they know if you weren't there or could you not fib and say you are all away if you are that worried about it.

Sorry, but I'm on your DH's side here. Clearly events like this make him feel very uncomfortable and while it would be nice for your DS to attend, he doesn't actually go to the school yet and I think you are expecting him to respect your views without showing any respect for his. Would you have prefered it if he was against your DS attending a C of R school at all?

Could you take your DS to the church during the week to leave a donation for the food bank, or do you have family who could take him on the day?

YABU I too would feel very uncomfortable doing this.

I think it's a bit odd that he's agreed to your child going to a church school btw.

Hmm dunno about the BU bit but I can assure you that Harvest Festivals are so packed that NO ONE will notice whether your DS is there or not.

However I thought Harvest Festival was on a set day each year. We had ours last Sunday.

I agree with your husband.

I think it is up the DH - if he doesn't want to then you can take him next year - no big deal. If he is only preschool DS is hardly likely to care much one way or the other (or understand much about it.

Don't bother fighting over it.

Oops, meant C of E.

I went to a CofE school and I don't come from a religious family. It was just our local school and that is where we all went.

I don't think he is BU. It isn't compulsory, he has no interest in attending church, he is in charge of parenting for that morning. If you want your DS to take part in harvest festival decorate a paper carrier bag with him, fill it with goodies, explain what it is all about, and let hi hand it in at pre-school for them to pass on.