or is DH? I'm sure it's him :D

[cupcakesandbunting]

Right... DS goes to a pre-school which is attached to the C of E school that I would like him to attend.

I am christened cathlolic (father is a RC italian but mother is C of E) but consider myself more C of E as don't necessarily like a lot of catholicisms teachings. DH is not christened nor does he follow any faith, in fact he is fairly atheist. It's never been a problem before. I am not a "practicing" churchgoer although I do take DS at the "important" times i.e harvest festival, easter, christmas etc etc. DH opts not to attend, that's up to him.

Now, we both chose the C of E school for our DS, probably for different reasons. I do want DS to benefit from the moral guidance aspect of a C of E school (this is not to slate none faith schools, just personal preference) and I would like DS to be involved in a lot of the groups for the school children run by the church. They're very community-minded and I think it's a good thing.

Now, the very petty crux of this is that this sunday, the church are holding a harvest festival for one hour on sunday morning. I am unable to take DS as am away for the weekend but DH is here. I have asked him if he would go along with DS and take some food for the local food bank. DH doesn't want to go. I've pointed out that it is reasonable to expect DS to attend stuff like this if he is attending the schoolm attached to the church. DH says "well yes but we agreed that you would deal with that part of it" It's a one-off. I think he's being a hypocrite. So the faith school is good enough for your son but the faith that comes with it is not? He's using various excuses but they all boil down to he CBA.

AIBU or is he?

Take no notice of that. Think it varies between dioceses.

Also OP if your DS's admittance to the school is dependent on some type of commitment to the church ahould you not be attending more regularly with him? Surely if you were going every week with him, then missing an occasional service when you are away (even if it is a biggie) should not be a big deal. You are the one that the religion element is important to so you should be the one stepping up.

Oh I see your DS is at pre-school and doesn't yet have a place at the school? For me that would change things (I guess I'm one of those school place hypocrites) and I'd want DH to take the DC, if it would help secure a place.

Luckily with our local CofE school admissions is just by proximity, religion isn't looked into.

Tell your DH it's essential!

As an aside, my DD came home from school asking what "amen" means, DH told her it's like the "over and out" at the end of a walkie talkie conversation!

I think my DD could do with a bit of religious education generally. I'm not sure how best to go about that.

BlueFergie I do take him to one service a month (they have a special family service geared towards kids) which isn't a massive commitment, I know but the three other times I tried to take DS to a normal sunday service, I ended up leaving early because he would not STFU keep still

I have considered making a donation anyway if DH really won't go and letting DS take it in. I didn't want to just rely on there being so many people there that our absence would go unnoticed. I wanted DS to go to be involved :(

You don't have to be religious to send your children to a church school. Our village school is 100 yards away and happens to be Cof E (but not rabidly so).

We're all atheist/agnostic, but send ds there simply as the nearest other school was a 12 mile round trip, and we'd paid for this one through our council tax etc. DS soon learned to ignore the sillier aspects of religion.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to expect an atheist to go to church.

Couldn't one of the other families from this wonderful church community pick up your son on the way and take him, if it's so important?

You do get measured on your involvement in the church at our school, Mumblechum. It all boils down to a) siblings already in the school b) those who show some degree of commitment to the church then c) proximity. The school is very popular and since DS has no siblings or a hugely active involvement in the church, it will come down to proximity. There are lots of folks closer than us.

I think Heathens idea of someone else taking him sounds good. You can't always make it to school events so he would get to go to the Harvest Festival and your dh gets to stay at home.

It's not about religion per se. It's as much an informal social occasion for your child/locale.

I very much doubt that a vicar will grab him, dunk him in a font and baptise him against his will.

I'm happy to attend a Hindu wedding, a pagan hand fest, an aethiest funeral; but then I think it's better to be open minded about religious differences or indeed no religion at all.

Growing up in Northern Ireland gave me a perspective on what fixed positions mean in human terms.

"Couldn't one of the other families from this wonderful church community pick up your son on the way and take him, if it's so important?"

Not sure what the bitchiness is about but no. I don't know anyone well enough to ask them to take DS. We are relatively new to the area.

That's what I think too, Penelope. DH is always moaning that his mates are half an hour drive away. Perhaps if he made a bit more effort, he might meet some new people. I think that he thinks that everyone going to church is a demented bible-basher with an agenda.

As long as your DH is willing to run the risk that your DS does not get into the C of E school, because he has not gone to church enough, then he is not being unreasonable.

If he wants DS to go to the C of E school then he is BU.

(On the other hand I am vehemently against school entry being dependent on church attendance... but that's another debate and one that's been done many times).

I am all for attending such events myself, but I wouldn't make my husband go if he definitely didn't want to. It won't make a difference to any application you make, you are simply asked if you agree with the principles on which they run the school and supportive of the religious side of things, they don't usually monitor actual attendance (mine didn't, anyway). Even if they did, it's your regular presence which they are interested in, not whether your husband begrudgingly turned up once to a Harvest festival.

I would say 'I'd really like you to go along' but then if he didn't want to, his choice as he's the child-carer for that morning. You can't make him want to go, or join the community if he doesn't want to, and I can't see what making him go will achieve, TBH.

Mine do actively manage attendance, they get ministers to sign a fecking sheet to say they see you in church regularly and you hand it in with your applucation form.

Also, where should DH draw the line when we get invited to church weddings? Because he's all too willing to sit in a church when there's a piss up involved afterwards...

If you take DS to all the family ceremonies its not going to make any difference if he misses one. People go away all the time so not being there every now and again is normal. If you want to increase the commitment to the church its up to you to do this not to pressure your DH to. Can you not attend church every week without your son if he can't sit through a service? Can you become involved in volunteering at the church? I am surprised to hear that you have had to leave because he won't sit still. My DH takes our two to mass in an area with a very elderly population, when they are often the only kids and has never felt the need to remove them. They move around a bit, play with toys, talk, usual kid stuff and noboby has ever said anything. It seems if the Church is as community orientated as you say they would have no issue with active children being at services.

Oh I'm sure that the church were fine with DS not appreciating the service. It was me that couldn't cope with wrestling with a very strong toddler in a crammed pew!

I wouldn't do it.

I think YABU, not him. Take your DS to the normal service next week instead. I can't help thinking that just going to the Big Celebrations will be enough to secure your DS a place anyway.

I have sympathy with your DH as like I said I am in similiar situation. I have no issues going to weddings/funerals/christenings as they are the choices of the people involved and I respect them and their choices. However as I understand it you and your husband had a deal similiar to mine and my DH. You want your DS to have be involved in an organised religion and you agreed to take the responsibility for this. This was your choice as a couple. Now you are going back on your part of the deal. If my DH asked me to do something similiar I would not be happy about it as I have always been clear about my feelings. I may agree to do it as a one off but to be honest I probably wouldn't and I can understand why your husband won't.

I understand why making an atheist go to a church serviec would be unreasonable, but it's more about the double standards at play here. Am I really BU because I want DH involved in something relating to a decision we both made?

I wouldn't want to go if I was your DH.

I don't do religion, but thankfully neither does my DH. I can't imagine missing one thing will really hamper him getting in to the school. The minister won't recognise your DH anyway so he probably wouldn't get 'credit' for showing up!

If you really want your son to go to this can't you move whatever it is you're going away for?

OK maybe I am being a little bit U.

I can't move my plans for this weekend. It's a girly weekend away in another city with my preggers best friend who wants one last weekend with her mates before little 'un comes along. She would kill me if I cancelled.

I also agree with your DH.

As a devout atheist I am able to attend church weddings without it offending my religious views. However, if I attend a church service I do not participate (pray, sing hymns etc) as it is not my faith. I think it would be difficult to attend with a small child who was wondering why I wasnt joining in and therefore I would prefer not to attend.

If it is so important that your son goes to this church do and may not get into school if he doesn't go surely you can cancel your girly weekend if you are that worried about it?