Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for being flabbergasted about what the sure start worker said to my friend?

119 replies

superv1xen · 28/09/2010 20:30

she was at a stay and play session with her DC (18 months) and she got TOLD OFF for talking to her friends and not playing with her DS enough Confused wtf!!

since when do they think they can dictate who is and isnt interacting with their kids enough?

i go there so my kids can run and play in a safe enviromnment and i can have a chat with my friends, if any of the santimonious fuckers workers had have said that to me i would have told them where to shove their opinions.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 29/09/2010 10:00

You don't need oodles of training to recognise that somethings not right. The one hour of training is just to remind you that you have to follow your instincts and report anything that might be a concern, and outline your obligations. Could you miss something? Yes, of course you could.

And that was what made me so uncomfortable :( Both that something vital could be missed because I don't have the necessary training and also following my instincts, who is to say my instincts have any basis at all.
It just felt very wrong, these 30 unqualified women in a room getting all excited about going into a home to basically judge the quality of somebody's parenting.

I don't care what anyone says if you thought you were being made the subject of a report of any kind, be it sat on the line managers desk or in the waste paper basket you'd feel critisised, anyone would.

Oblomov · 29/09/2010 10:05

acusing someone of abusing a child is a very serious allegation.

mamatomany · 29/09/2010 10:10

Maybe I am wording this badly but what I am trying to say is that when a social worker knocks your door and ask to come into the house you've a good idea what they are there for, what they are concerned about and what you need to tell them to reassure them or confess to get it resolved for the good of the child and parents.
If a nice middle aged "mum" type figure comes into your house to play with the children whilst you have a lie down, help you with the shopping, make you a meal which is what home start is meant to do, you are not expecting that person to go away and make a report about you and your interaction with your children.
I have seen the surestart leaflets and the home start registration packs and whilst it might be in the small print it certainly isn't clear that the person visiting you is every bit as official as the social worker. But with less training.

gorionine · 29/09/2010 10:11

I started running a toddler group a few years ago and TBH I do it as much for the mums to socialise as for the children to play create and make friends.

After DD1 was born I got very depresed and even toddler groups did not help meeting new people. When we moved to a different place I decided to have a fresh start and to have a toddler group where mums are actually encouraged to talk to eachother as well as keeping an eye on their children. It sounds really sad but to some new mums, it is the only time in the week they can actually have a conversation with a grown up they are not married to/the DP of.

The place toddler groups are held are usualluy safe enought to allow parents to have a chat wihout having to feel guilty. Interraction with child is really great but when it is what you do all day long it is also nice to be able to talk to someone of your own generation.

gorionine · 29/09/2010 10:12

Blush Just realised I missed reading a few pages and that the conversation had moved on, sorry.

Oblomov · 29/09/2010 10:28

Agree with gori.

HSMM: "Obviously there are some adults who just ignore their children and use it as a social event, but not too many, fortunately."

Oh thats what I thought toddler group was. a social for me. i thought i was there to have a cup of tea and a chat. whilst my son played in safety. I keep an eye. make sure he doesn't push, snatch, or anything else. but largely i want him to go off and play. i don't want to inter-act with him, thanks very much. i thought he was supposed to be interacting with others, whilst i had a break, and a chat.

Must have got the wrong end of the stick/ wrong idea about the whole objective, then Wink

arses · 29/09/2010 10:40

Again, this is not about "alleging abuse". It's about reporting anything that makes you uncomfortable or uneasy to a senior member of staff and following guidance and procedures. In our case, that would involve discussing all the details that made you uncomfortably with a very highly trained Safeguarding person (usually a very senior nurse) who would advise on next steps. It's not about going in and willy nilly accusing people of abuse. In the first instance, for example, that might just be saying to the mum with the dirty house week in and week out if they are finding it a struggle to get things done, asking a few questions about what support they get etc.. giving them a chance to talk and details of any other services which might be of help e.g. it might come out in the conversation that they were having money troubles and you might tell them you would find out some information for them. What do you need a load of training for that for? Really? It's not about 'getting social services in' to 'check them out'.

Also, if you are going to get social services in, as a person working with a child you have to discuss the referral with the parent, which you would support from a senior member of staff to do. The first time I ever did it, a manager came with me.

Everyone who works with children is expected to know and act in this way. Everyone, regardless of what their official remit is, or their qualifications, or how supportive or otherwise they are expected to be. It is just the way children's services work, and yes, it is serious, and yes, people do miss things.. but what you are suggesting is that "unqualified" people shouldn't come into contact with families, which is the alternative. In which case a lot of services which do a lot of good wouldn't be able to run..

So, take your pick: hear no evil/see no evil/speak no evil or support for vulnerable families that involves an awareness that you need to discuss things that concern you with senior members of staff and may need to report uncomfortable things.

arses · 29/09/2010 10:41

uncomfortable, sorry.

Oblomov · 29/09/2010 10:57

arses, what you write is very idealistic. obviously this ideal does not happen in the real world.

superv1xen · 29/09/2010 11:16

well this thread has moved on a bit since last night! :o

some posters have said that people should be keeping an eye on their kids, which i of course agree with (and although i wasnt there with my friend, i am sure she would have been) but there is no need to be breathing down their kids necks if they are happily, and safely, playing on their own or with other children.

and quite a few people said that (along the lines of) they had been patronised or treated like they are morons at SS centres, i couldnt agree more, i remember during a conversation with a worker there i mentioned i had been to university and the look on her face was priceless. unless perhaps i look thick! :o

i went to a church type group the other morning with my youngest and i found it much more relaxed and laid back than SS centres.

OP posts:
arses · 29/09/2010 14:07

Oblomov, what's your alternative? No safeguarding training for people working in the home? Responsibilit for safeguarding to rest only with "professionals" when they may have less frequent and shorter contact with those professionals (reducing the opportunity for disclosures etc). The "ideal" would be that no one would be able to go into a home with obvious signs of drug abuse, meaning they really wouldn't need to be alleging anything. That ideal does not match the real world.

And to be fair, I have seen many, many families go through safeguarding who have accessed services as a result that have been necessary and, frequently in the case of families who are vulnerable because of mental health or disability, positive to the point of being life-saving. Some good things do happen in the real world.

blueshoes · 29/09/2010 19:56

mamatomany, I understand your reservations. I will stay away from homestart too.

kelly2525 · 29/09/2010 22:26

I have my midwife appointments at a surestart place, never heard of them before i got pregnant, last time there were nine members of staff, not including the midwife, and i was the only other person there.

They all just seemed to be wandering around, doing not very much but trying to look busy

superv1xen · 30/09/2010 09:29

they all just seemed to be wandering around, doing not very much but trying to look busy

yes kelly thats exactly what they do :o apart from when there are parents around for them to patronise Wink

OP posts:
RoundAndAround · 30/09/2010 11:29

That hasn't been my experience superv1xen - the stay and play sessions I went to were really well attended with up to around 20 parents plus children.

Only one or two workers were in the room at any one time, and they had a lot to do in terms of setting up messy play activities, organising snack time, and leading story and song sessions.

They had to clear up the room afterwards too, often with tight turnarounds for another session taking place in that room.

superv1xen · 30/09/2010 17:38

really? your group must be loads better than the ones i have been to.

and the ones i went to had 3 or 4 playworkers to maybe 15 - 20 parents, too many as there were more to hassle you lol :o

OP posts:
RoundAndAround · 30/09/2010 18:13

From these and other accounts I've read on here the centres do seem to vary in terms of what they offer and how good they are. Also in how well attended they are.

It's a difficult brief they have to fill I think. I mean who's going to want to go somewhere which is branded as 'for the disadvantaged' or 'for crap parents who need to learn how to do things properly'. Yet if they welcome everyone they get accused of being over-run with 'middle class mummies'.

On the whole I think it is far better to be inclusive to the whole community so the centres DON'T get stigmatised. As I mentioned before I don't think family problems are about class anyway, good and bad parents come from all walks of life, and people who need support aren't always obvious from first impressions.

Their brief is to help families, yet they have to be very sensitive or they risk coming across as bossy and interfering. Very difficult I should imagine. The workers I have seen do manage it very well on the whole. The centre is definitely a huge asset to our community. (I don't have a political axe to grind, or work for them by the way!).

superv1xen · 01/10/2010 09:03

yes you are right there roundandround and i definitely agree that the centres should be inclusive of everyone, i must admit, when i first went to one i had no idea they were aimed at the "disadvantaged" i do not see my self as disadvantaged just because of where i live (council / HA estate).

OP posts:
abr1de · 01/10/2010 09:12

I'm sure the good centres are excellent (and I have read some very positive reports about them) but at its worst SureStart is the perfect New Labour exemplar: lots of bossiness by people who don't necessarily know as much as they think. Lots of people checking up on other people.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread