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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being flabbergasted about what the sure start worker said to my friend?

119 replies

superv1xen · 28/09/2010 20:30

she was at a stay and play session with her DC (18 months) and she got TOLD OFF for talking to her friends and not playing with her DS enough Confused wtf!!

since when do they think they can dictate who is and isnt interacting with their kids enough?

i go there so my kids can run and play in a safe enviromnment and i can have a chat with my friends, if any of the santimonious fuckers workers had have said that to me i would have told them where to shove their opinions.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 28/09/2010 21:50

So keep away then ..simple really ,go find a nice playgroup in a nice area Smile

clemetteattlee · 28/09/2010 21:50

It is a free group, if you don't like the approach, don't go. Sure start stay and plays are about playing with your child - about sitting down and doing something interactive with your toddler. If you don't want to do that/want to go somewhere for a chat then go somewhere else. It is a little ridiculous to complain about a free resource which is set up for people who need the help and encouragement SS provides.
Do you go to Church toddler groups and then get uppity when they mention God??

intravenouscoffee · 28/09/2010 21:50

Sorry, replying to Anenome - just took a bit of time to post.

Anenome · 28/09/2010 21:51

I never said money was directly linked to parenting...it's a fact that there are more cases of neglect in low income areas...it's due to many complex socio economic factors.

I know I won't catch poor....I grew up poor but in a wonderful and loving family...it's in me forever as is my innate understanding of communities where child neglect is common.

I'm well qualified to speak about it as my community was full of it.

Anenome · 28/09/2010 21:54

My last comment was for Usualsuspect

I know Cupcakes...I suspect that the people who are so keen to stand up for the poor are about as far removed from being poor as possible. But that might be the huge "poor" chip on my shoulder. Grin the one that makes me a bit Hyacinth!

usualsuspect · 28/09/2010 21:55

Oh yes I'm a millionaire really Hmm

Anenome · 28/09/2010 21:57

Intravenouscoffe

But my local church playgroup is all about supporting parents and fostering socil skills in toddlers...so is the one in my local leisure centre...there are posters about it all over the walls! But they don't attempt to teach any of the parents.

I still think Surestart obviously need to explain their aims more clearly...or it's education by stealth.

Anenome · 28/09/2010 21:58

Gaah! SOCIAL skills..not SOCIL!

cupcakesandbunting · 28/09/2010 21:58

Oh don't worry Anenome. There's usually one who thinks they're the Billy Bragg of MN Grin

usualsuspect · 28/09/2010 21:58

Everyone knows what surestart is about,some people just like the cheap activities

moomaa · 28/09/2010 21:59

The staff at my one tell people off readily and I think this is a good thing as they will quickly deal with the annoying people who let their kids run riot. I have been on the recieving end a couple of times, once because DS didn't say thank you for his snack, and the other time I can't remember and it did bristle but it is a good reminder that we can all do better.

I like their tips and advice, the ones that are obvious I just go 'hmmm, yes, that's a good idea' and then move the conversation on.

Anenome · 28/09/2010 22:00

Gaah! I wanted to be Billy!

BubsMaw · 28/09/2010 22:03

I encountered some surestart folks at our baby clinic, couldn't decide whether the whole surestart organisation was helpful or sinister!

I didn't get past filling in the registration forms because I was uncomfortable with the intrusive questions.

I think I'd be on edge the whole time if I did attend one of the groups, as if I was under watch, being scored or something, with the possibility of a referral to social services if I got it all 'wrong'. Of course I may have misunderstood it all...

My SIL got some free baby stairgates out of them. I was surprised at the time as I'd thought surestart was aimed at helping poorer people, her family is most def. not poor. I think surestart must have widened their remit since their early days.

Can't help feeling that surestart is all about social engineering, plus state nosey parkering. It is patronising to presume that poorer people are likely to be deficient parents, and to then go meddling with their family interactions.

intravenouscoffee · 28/09/2010 22:03

Yes, but your local church group is not paying childcare staff to encourage that. And it's not about supporting parents, it's about developing positive relationships between children and their carers through play which is why the OP's friend was asked to play with her child and not chat with her friend.

Sorry - horrible long sentence but I'm too tired to change it. Got to go and feed DS so I'll bow out now.

ChilledChick2 · 28/09/2010 22:04

Superv1xen You and your friend could try speaking to your HV about being refered to Homestart. A friend of mine goes to the local Family Group and she is well chuffed with it. Like yourself, she went to SureStart and hated every minute (lived just around the corner). She was berated for not taking enough interest in her DC (she needed sleep and anyone could've seen that she was trying her hardest to stay awake). I suggested asking her HV to refer her to Homestart and she's never looked back.

msyikes · 28/09/2010 22:05

Being told you could be parenting better always rankles, but there's no harm in it, and no one is above a bit of sound advice, especially from someone who is qualified to comment.

Often you do see kids who are just craving attention from their parents, or parents totally oblivious to the nutty behaviour of their child. (Often it's me!) Why can't an educated nursery nurse point this out? Yes, it's really infuriating to be corrected, or patronised - or feel that you are- I can't stand it. But surely in a Sure Start centre, a bit of parenting advice comes with the territory? And why not? None of us are above it, and some of us really need it!

Anenome · 28/09/2010 22:05

Usualsuspect

It's a pound at all the playgroups I go to...that includes crafts and snacks. Cheap and with no helpful advice.

bumder · 28/09/2010 22:06

How weird. No-one at my SS playgroup plays with their kids. We keep an eye on them to make sure they're not belting each other but other than that we let them play. DD can make towers with me at home so it is nice for her to be able to do things like that with friends once a week.
I'm not desperately poor but I go to the SS centre because the group is better. It is free and they have more stimulating activities than other playgroups and a sensory room. They get a healthy snack - fruit/cheese with milk rather than the juice and a biscuit you get in most playgroups.
I have nicked some good play ideas from there too and learnt to make playdough and stuff -much more helpful than someone saying "go and play with your kids".

VivaLeBeaver · 28/09/2010 22:17

I'm currently studying for a masters and have just accepted a job in a Sure Start Children's Centre. I don't feel short changed at all.

pigletmania · 28/09/2010 22:36

YANBU at all, how rude, none of her bloody business! Like adults, children also like their own space to explore and foster their social skills, not mother or whoever breathing down their necks. Surely anyone knows this, thats why I avoid them its not a relaxing atmosphere at all.

bumpsnowjustplump · 28/09/2010 22:40

I went to a ss playgroup for under 1's. There was a HV there who you can discuss any problems with and staff that do sensory play with the tots and there are mats etc all around for you to sit on.. i had dd who was 2 and a ds who was 9 months with me one day. Everyone looked at DD as if she had two heads when we walked in.. She wasn't running around just sat with me. I went to get ds weighed and discuss his feeding habits. HV told me that i shouldn't be bf ds and that government advice was only up to six months. Told me I should be giving him everything we were eating even though i told her we were told to allergy wean him as he had severe reflux.. and if I chose to continue to breast feed I must give him vitamin drops as I couldn't accommodate his needs...........

I came on MN got some good advice and have never set foot in the door again..

BlackBess · 28/09/2010 22:40

I'm a bit ignorant of what Sure Start involves tbh but in the town nearest to me there is a 'Family Centre'. A lady I met in M&T's told me that this Centre has a nice outdoor area with toys and it's FREE (!!) though I thought I'd give it a go as there is not much to do in the sticks.

Went there and was busy chatting to some other mums when woman who I assume was attached to the centre came up and asked me to do a survey. I duly completed the survey which appeared to be some sort of Basic Skills assessment and she excitedly told me that I had 'promise' and 'potential' (yey!)

She then proceeded to yabber on for about an hour about opportunities in the local college which basicly seemed to involve getting me on various NVQ Level 2 courses.

It seemed a bit churlish to mention that I had two degrees a MA and a PhD.

It was nice to know that in her opinion I still had a future though Smile

vess · 28/09/2010 22:47

My local surestart centre is a lot nicer than that, and I hope it doesn't change!
I chat to people and read when I get the chance, and haven't been told off yet, or patronised in any way. Mind you, DD2 is very hard to ignore - she's clingy and glued to me most of the time.

But honestly, I thought those places are for young children to learn to interact and socialise with other people!
And give the mums a break, obviously.
At least that's the impression I got from my local one.

blueshoes · 28/09/2010 22:50

OP's friend's experience was not nice but also agree with posters who say it goes with the govt-funded surestart initiative.

I found my HV too preachy and avoided her too!

clemetteattlee · 28/09/2010 23:00

Vess, they are the exact opposite of that; they are to teach parents how to play with their children. It might be difficult for people to understand but there is a significant portion of parents who switch the TV on in the morning and don't really talk tot heir toddlers at all. They don't go to the park, they don't make stuff, they don't play. These groups are to teach those who don't have these skills for whatever reason the benefit of interaction. Yet many won't go because of the increasing number of people who treat it as yet another social occasion. Sadly many of these people are judgemental and consider themselves to be "better" parents.