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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend drinking and smoking whilst pregnant...

74 replies

Mae34 · 27/09/2010 16:43

Ok - I know everyone makes their own choices and judges the risk etc themselves and I dont think I'm a hugely judgemental or interfering person but...my dear, close friend has just found out she's pregnant - about 8 weeks. She smokes and usually drinks quite a bit - around a bottle of wine every couple of nights and is in a high pressure job. Since finding out she has cut down her smoking a lot but is still having a couple a day and is still drinking several glasses (large ones) of wine in the evening. She seems uncomfortable about this but has said "its ok isnt it -its only if youre a heavy drinker its a problem?" - I guess she's looking for reassurance...

Should I say something, or just butt out...Confused

OP posts:
cupcakesandbunting · 27/09/2010 16:46

YANBU to be concerned but I wouldn't get involved. Unless she's a total dingbat then she'll know the risks already and disregarded them as they do not fit in with her agenda.

Very selfish of her but what can you do?

lal123 · 27/09/2010 16:46

just butt out

ShadeofViolet · 27/09/2010 16:46

Butt out...

And get you hardhat on!

TakeLovingChances · 27/09/2010 16:47

She's asking you/others because she's unsure. Tell her that it isn't healthy for her or baby.

Tell her nicely, but don't mince your words.

darcymum · 27/09/2010 16:48

Do you think she could be a problem drinker though? It almost sounds like she's asking for help to me.

StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2010 16:48

lots of people will say butt out but if she is looking for your reassurance then I'd say that's an invitation to butt right in and suggest she is drinking too much, and offer any suggestions

BikeRunSki · 27/09/2010 16:49

Ultimately she knows it's a risk, but - her baby, her choice.

Original poster
Mae34 · 27/09/2010 16:49

Oh god - I knew I shouldnt have posted in here - am scared now...maybe I should have stuck it in relationships...Blush

We're really close and I love her to bits - I'm not making a judgement, just want to canvas opinion as to whether I should speak up or if its none of my business! (runs and hides)....

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 27/09/2010 16:49

Wait until the next time you're asked the 'is it a problem?' question and tell her 'yes it is'. Quite honestly, I'm sure she knows it already and is simply reluctant to change her lifestyle ... hence the discomfort.

Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 16:50

If she asks I would offer advise by saying as far as I understand it no its not ok- the guidelines are X. The leave it at that, its her choice, her baby. Agree with cupcakesandbunting, she probably knows already and is looking for reassurance. Whereas I wouldnt flame her, I wouldnt re-assure her either.

lulabellarama · 27/09/2010 16:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

minipie · 27/09/2010 16:51

I think since she's asked you if it's ok then it's all right for you to express a view.

How about saying "you know what, I don't actually know what the advice is these days, I'll check into it for you..."

And then send her links to the advice that says no more than a glass a week and talks about the risks like this

that might be a reasonably non-judgey way of responding? it does sound like she genuinely doesn't know the advice, it's not that she knows it and has chosen to ignore it.

Squitten · 27/09/2010 16:51

I know that if it was one of my friends, I would probably say something unchallening along the lines of "Hey, you might want to take it easy, etc, etc" but my friendships are such that we would be comfortable saying things like that to each other.

In your case, if she is asking you outright, then I would just say that actually the government guidelines are x, y and z and point her in the direction of the relevant website. Then she can decide for herself.

Alouiseg · 27/09/2010 16:52

I'd tell her straight. I cannot and do not believe that anybody in 2010 is seriously unaware of the damage that heavy drinking and smoking does to an unborn baby.

If she persisted with her behaviour I would drop her like a stone.

Chil1234 · 27/09/2010 16:52

If you were marching up to her enjoying a solitary sherry at a party and giving her a hard time then you'd be interfering. It's quite a different thing if someone admits to behaving a particular way and then goes on to ask your opinion.... then you're absolutely entitled to answer honestly.

StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2010 16:53

Whitethorn, I don't think the risks can be compared to eating brie!

dizietsma · 27/09/2010 16:53

Sorry, but gotta send you to this.

OK she should stop drinking, and honestly I don't know how she can, I had two glasses of wine my whole pregnancy and each time they made me hideously nauseous. And yeah, quitting the fags is really recommended. But it's her body and her choice ultimately. If she's visiting a midwife then they will have already made her aware of the dangers if she is totally unaware of them already, and I can't honestly see how she could be.

It is selfish, but maybe she's really freaked out about the pregnancy or in denial about it? Ask her how she's feeling about the pregnancy and how she's coping in general if you're really concerned about her. Offer support.

sethstarkaddersmum · 27/09/2010 16:53

None of your business unless she asks you, but she has asked you.
Several large glasses every day=heavy drinking.

She's done really well to cut down her smoking, which suggests she wants to do the right thing.

FWIW I am pretty unconvinced by the evidence that a tiny amount of alcohol will harm the baby, but several glasses of wine a day is actually quite a lot.

StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2010 16:53

completely agree with Chil
and OP I assume you couldn't reassure her anyway - no way I could lie like that

Original poster
Mae34 · 27/09/2010 16:54

Hmm - no I guess not - probably because its my perception/ belief based on what I have read, that the risks arent quite the same...but I take your point that we all have different feelings/ beliefs about whats an acceptable level of "risk"...

Will adopt a low key approach if asked again...

OP posts:
lulabellarama · 27/09/2010 16:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Mae34 · 27/09/2010 16:56

Sorry that was in reply to the brie comment...and no I didnt reassure her, I just said in a low level fashion that I thought it was best avoided in first trimester as far as I knew and then 1 or 2 glasses once or twice a week used to be the advice, now, officially its none...

OP posts:
Whitethorn · 27/09/2010 16:57

StealthPolarBear I think you mixed me up with someone else. I wouldnt compare them at all, drinking heavily while pregnant is imo disgraceful. And sitting her in my 4 months pregnant state after a booze free weekend, I can tell you its not brie I crave!

Original poster
Mae34 · 27/09/2010 16:59

Sure lulabellarama - I take your point - guess one isnt always that consistent or all knowing about ones opinions - so do you think I should just not say anything at all?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2010 16:59

I don't know this (happy to be told I'm wrong) but the risks of damage to yout unborn baby by drinking or smoking are much higher than the risks of death from eating brie i think