Friend drinking and smoking whilst pregnant...

[Mae34]

Ok - I know everyone makes their own choices and judges the risk etc themselves and I dont think I'm a hugely judgemental or interfering person but...my dear, close friend has just found out she's pregnant - about 8 weeks. She smokes and usually drinks quite a bit - around a bottle of wine every couple of nights and is in a high pressure job. Since finding out she has cut down her smoking a lot but is still having a couple a day and is still drinking several glasses (large ones) of wine in the evening. She seems uncomfortable about this but has said "its ok isnt it -its only if youre a heavy drinker its a problem?" - I guess she's looking for reassurance...

Should I say something, or just butt out...

I haven't read all of the posts... I hate the "It's her body her choice" ones.

My daughter has feotal alcohol syndrome. It's crap and there's no cure. She will live her whole life with learning difficulties, poor impulse control and epilepsy.

Her birth mum thought it was ok to drink beer... wine is stronger.

Not worth the risk in my opinion ( and I love wine)... it's only a few short months.

Haven't read all posts disclaimer.
Your 'dear,close friend... said 'it's ok isn't it?' - er, NO it's NOT. Why be gentle with a dear & close friend.
What shockers said. She's being a total idiot- there's no excuse for it in this day & age.

She is a heavy drinker esp. when pg.

She may be faced with a child who has FAS. It's a real possibility. Does she know anything about the risks? Perhas she doesn't.

Ask her if she wants to know. If she says she doesn't, then leave it. If she does, then be prepared with information. Don't lecture. Just give her facts.

She is of course being a total tit drinking so much and smoking but it's up to her.

I hate the 'it's up to her' thing though - if she won't care for her child now - at its most vunerable- she does not deserve a child.
I'd drop her like a stone cold turd if she didn't wise up. Behaviour should be accountable!

i wouldn't comment on someone who has a glass of wine a week while pregnant, but your friend is drinking alot.

so i would give her some info about alchol while pregnant and hope she does the right thing.

I don't like the it's up to her either but it is up to her.

The baby is very abstract for pg women though isn't it so it doesn't automatically mean she won't care for it when it's born.

I don't think she really gets the risks she's taking with several large glasses of wine. I reckon OP should say something informative.

I get annoyed at the amount of blanket type advice thrown at pg women.

But I have a different view on the drinking thing due to all the fostercare/adoption training I had to do.

We had a fanstastic paediatrician giving us talkds. She was very pragmatic and balanced. She has seen it all in her years as paed for children in care.

But she is pretty firm on drinking whilst pg. Because its a lottery. If you drink a lot whilst pg the chances are very high that your child will suffer. You may not realise this until the child is of school age or your baby could be born with a huge amount of complex difficulties.

The trouble is that if you drink at the wrong time during pg, even a fairly small amount, you may be very unlucky. You baby could be born with problems ranging from very mild to severe.

I was inclined to listen to this woman. She didnt strike me as a sensationalist or someone who wanted to control pregnant women.

Saying all that, if I knew someone who was having a glass of wine once in a while whilst pg i wouldnt give it much thought. But drinking as much as described in OP cannot be good. Smoking is crap too. Why?

Seems like she is asking for your input so why not give it to her?

Another vote for saying something to her.

I'd just add though, don't wait, speak to her tomorrow. At this early stage a foetus is at it's most vunerable so every day of that level of alcohol exposure counts.

Just say you've done some research since your last conversation and you wanted her to know what you've found out.

Good luck

Say something! Be tactful & don't preach.
Don't want to be in your shoes though...

thefirstMrsDeVere, what kind of problems? And name of paed? I'd like to find out more.

OP, your friend sounds like she's drinking a lot even without being pg. Is she happy to be pg?

Whole range of problems including ADHD type behaviours, learning difficulties, problems during later childhood, too many to remember.

Dont really want to post her name on here because it could lead to confidentiality issues with my DS (she works for a particular LA) but if you want to find out more there is loads of stuff on FAS on the internet. Adoption and fostering sites often have a lot of information because so many children in care are affected by parental substance misuse.

The things she said really stuck with me. She did talk a lot about street drugs as well but alchohol seemed to be one of the most toxic and problematic.

It is a difficult area though. Lots of drug addicts are also problem drinkers and lots of problem drinkers use street drugs.

I do know that it put me off touching anything whilst pg with my last two babies. Not saying I didnt crave a nice cold lager though

stuff not being judgmental, there are times when we SHOULD be judgmental!

she is putting her child at high risk. would you stand by while she gave her 2 year old wine every evening and say 'her child, her choice'?

fast forward to when the baby is born. if it had an alcohol-related birth defect, will you still be happy with your choice if you choose to say nothing? that's what it might boil down to.

Yanbu but not alot you can do.It took me ages to concieve my 2 and to see woman do this to thier babies made me angry.Still does.Does it really take that much effort to stop.If baby was planned you quit before you concieve.

Hmmm - later posters seem to be saying I should be more forceful about it. I guess I'm concerned about how she will react - I know telling people what to do rarely works - but hopefully providing information could help her think it through more...I am really uncomfortable with the situation to be honest and yes, in response to a couple of posts, this baby is unplanned and she has said quite clearly she is feeling ambivalent about being pregnant, though definitely has decided to keep the baby.

lots of women smoke though out pregnancy.

She may have some addiction issues with the wine - and might need some support in cutting that out. Not everyone will just STOP. Though most 'drinking' women I know (even a couple with major addiction issues) found they went right off the booze on becoming pregnant.

Of maybe your friend has been watching too much Mad Men & is thinking if the women in the 60's got away with it she will too?

She asked your opinion so YANBU to give it & pass on some appropriate information to her too. I think drinking several large glasses a day is heavy drinking for a woman & she needs to wise up to that - but I'd also say several large glasses nightly = more than a bottle every 2 days, which you said she was on before cutting back? So maybe you don't know all about her drinking at all? But at the end of the day its her call.

She asked your advice so give it. She is your good friend and she needs your help.

Maybe she really does not know the recommendations on drinking in pregnancy.

And maybe suggest she asks midwife's help with cutting down smoking. She may be scared of being told off but they are usually very sympathetic and helpful. M y SIL found it very hard to cut out smoking in pregnancy and in the end her midwife advised her not to try to stop completely but cut down as far as possible as the stress of trying to give up was actually worse for the baby.

She - and her baby - need you to help her. You need to have a frank and honest conversation with her and you need to have it today. Please.

My DS has a communication impairment. I drank heavily in my first trimester (did NOT know I was pregnant). I hate myself every day because I believe his problems are my fault. You do not want your friend to feel like me. Trust me. This is worth an awkward / difficult conversation - it's two lives we're talking about here.

I would be bluntly honest with her. 2-3 large glasses EVERY evening is excessive even without baby...and smoking during pregnancy is pretty inexcusable when you think about it practically and logically - I say this as a occasional/social smoker.

I'm a mere 6 weeks gone and I cut out the tabs and demon drink the moment I suspected I could be up the spout again. It's just commmon sense.

I still worry a little as I was drinking quite excessively during the couple of weeks after conception (I was on holiday you see) but I know deep down there is no point beating myself up over this.

Perhaps people are right and your friend is almost crying out for help of some sort...whatever her motives for asking your opinion I think you need to voice your concerns about her and her unborn childs wellbeing in a calm but frank manner. Please remind her that you are speaking to her AS A FRIEND and maybe ask her if she feels she needs professional help...if you feel comfortable in broaching this of course.

Good luck.

She's your friend, she's asked, 'Is it ok?' so I think your responsibility is to tell her what you think and/or like others have said direct her to some objective sources of information.

But, I think, like most people say - be nice about it! and if she carries on doing the same after you tell her what you think, don't go on about it. It's her life, not yours.

Th question is - how good a friend is she? If it was a good friend of mine and she asked, I'd risk a fight to let her know what might/might not happen.

You're clearly worried about it, go with your instinct (even if you have to tame it a bit!)

I agree that you would be justified in saying something. I would be inclined to make it clear that there is no clear evidence of modest alcohol intake causing problems, but that what she is drinking is about as far from "modest" alcohol intake as you can get.

Winkywinkola makes a good point about the baby being very abstract in the early days. Instead of just saying "it can cause problems", it might be worth actually outlining the problems that could result, and what that would mean for her - ie how a severely disabled child would change her life. Perhaps she might be more motivated to change if she is faced with a very real consequence for HER rather than for her anonymous unborn child.