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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend drinking and smoking whilst pregnant...

74 replies

Mae34 · 27/09/2010 16:43

Ok - I know everyone makes their own choices and judges the risk etc themselves and I dont think I'm a hugely judgemental or interfering person but...my dear, close friend has just found out she's pregnant - about 8 weeks. She smokes and usually drinks quite a bit - around a bottle of wine every couple of nights and is in a high pressure job. Since finding out she has cut down her smoking a lot but is still having a couple a day and is still drinking several glasses (large ones) of wine in the evening. She seems uncomfortable about this but has said "its ok isnt it -its only if youre a heavy drinker its a problem?" - I guess she's looking for reassurance...

Should I say something, or just butt out...

OP posts:

lulabellarama · 27/09/2010 17:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

fatlazymummy · 27/09/2010 17:02

Personally I would be more concerned about the drinking. As far as I know [and I'm sorry I can't provide any links here] but 1 or 2 cigarettes/day are not that harmful.However I get the feeling that she is not very 'drink aware', ie when you say 'several large glasses of wine per day ,this may actually mean 9 or 10 units each day, ie 60-70 units/week [assuming she is drinking every evening].
Perhaps you could refer your friend to 'foetal alcohol syndrome'.
I am not passing a moral judgment here, it's just that I don't think many people in our society are fully aware or knowledgeable about the full effects of alcohol as a drug.

StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2010 17:03

aargh you two are confusing me - yes I did Whitethorne, sorry, this is what happens when you grate carrot while MNing!

Original poster

Mae34 · 27/09/2010 17:03

I'm not saying one should always "obey" the official guidance, or not question it or not be "allowed" to make up ones own mind - its just she genuinely seemed unaware that the level she was drinking at carried a level of risk I would imagine (and yes I could be wrong) she would not want to take (as I know her well)

OP posts:

rubbersoul · 27/09/2010 17:05

I would have to say something. I have seen the effects of a woman drinking whilst pregnant and the severe impact it can have on a child's development. Because of this I would not feel comfortable keeping my mouth shut- and as you say she was almost seeking reassurance- don't give it to her.

Original poster

Mae34 · 27/09/2010 17:06

Ok - sorry - genuinely got to go - DD has just started bellowing...will return later...

OP posts:

slowshow · 27/09/2010 17:09

I don't think "Butt out" is the correct response here - that is a dangerous amount of alcohol, if she is indeed drinking that much every night. She needs to know about foetal alcohol syndrome.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 27/09/2010 17:11

I too would have to say something.

I have a 'friend' who is 30 weeks pregnant and still smoking and drinking. I saw her for the first time in months on Saturday and she was alost bragging about it. I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier that she isn't taking the safety and health of her baby seriously.

I didn't say anything then, but I must have given her a glare or an eye roll or something as she quickly changed the subject but if I see her again before her baby is born I will tell her that she could be seriously harming her child.

anonymousbird · 27/09/2010 17:13

It depends how honest you feel you can be with her... if she is looking for reassurance that it is ok, clearly you cannot give that, so maybe you just have to say very little and sit tight.

Tread carefully!!!! I would.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/09/2010 17:16

Well, she's asked you what you think, so arm yourself with research to share with her and offer her your support if she indicates that she'd like to stop smoking and drinking.

OTTMummA · 27/09/2010 17:16

bragging!
I think i would of vomitted at such a vile display of selfishness, ughhh.
Good God whats wrong with some people????

gomummy · 27/09/2010 17:17

One more vote for definitely saying something.

Be direct and clear. She has asked, though sounds like she obviously already knows that it's wrong.

Good luck.

OTTMummA · 27/09/2010 17:19

why don't you take your friend to see some children with FAS, or severely asthmatic children, show her the real possibilities, that might be enough to hit home.

Some people just don't understand what the actual long term effects will be etc.
they just hear a word/scentence that holds little weight to someone not aware of such things.
seeing the reality makes a difference IME.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 27/09/2010 18:05

I know OTT it made me so angry.

Definitely say something OP, there is more than one way to do it. Nicely, explaining the risks gently or a bit more rudely. Entirely up to how much you respect each others' friendship and opinion.

lowrib · 27/09/2010 18:13

If a friend of mine was drinking and smoking while pregnant, and said " "its ok isnt it -its only if youre a heavy drinker its a problem?"" then I would answer sensitively - but totally honestly with what I thought.

To be anything less than frank is not being a friend IMO.

MoonUnitAlpha · 27/09/2010 18:22

It would be none of you business if she hadn't asked for your opinion, but she seems uncomfortable and has asked.

Sounds like she's asking for help to me - tell her you think it's too much, and support her in stopping.

fuschiagroan · 27/09/2010 18:25

She has asked so I would say, well you know it's bad for the baby. Everyone does.

2-3 big glasses of wine every night is a lot even for someone who isn't pregnant.

But ultimately it's her baby that has increased likelihood of birth defects or death and not yours, so try not to let it stress you too much

ChippingIn · 27/09/2010 18:49

She made it your business - she asked you for your opinion, so you should give it to her - neither are OK - has she ever seen a baby with FAS?

Tell her she has done well to cut down, but not she needs to STOP smoking & drinking.

Theincrediblesulk1 · 27/09/2010 19:03

kidshealth.org/parent/medical/brain/fas.html

www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,5854,00.html

Give her the information and say no more xxxx

atswimtwolengths · 27/09/2010 19:21

Who is standing up for the child, if you're on the sidelines? What do you think the child would want you to do?

I'm not saying go in, all guns blazing, but if she's a friend of yours and if, presumably this child will be a friend of yours over the foreseeable future, you have a duty of care to both of them to sit her down and have a serious conversation with her.

Theincrediblesulk1 · 27/09/2010 19:29

atswimtwolengths, i agree. However the less judgemental the op is, the more confident her friend will feel. She needs education and to see the cold hard facts of her actions. But telling her this will not help, giving her the tools to research the effects for herself would be a far better option i think.

atswimtwolengths · 27/09/2010 19:36

But I didn't say "be judgemental". I said she should sit her down and have a serious conversation about it.

Her friend will know that she's drinking more than the recommended weekly amount for a non-drinker - everyone knows where they're up to with that. It's obvious that she knows you're not meant to drink very much when pregnant.

Maybe suggesting other ways to unwind, if she's got a stressful job, would be good - going swimming with her in the evenings, etc. She will certainly need those tools if she has a child with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Mumcentreplus · 27/09/2010 19:41

Be kind and honest with her..maybe buy her a bottle of low alcohol wine...seriously its so shit she may be motivated to pack it in for a bit..I agree with sulk if you give her information she can make the decision for herself..

Theincrediblesulk1 · 27/09/2010 19:42

I didn't say you did! I was simply saying being judgemental would not be appropriate!

And like i said telling her yourself wouldn't get the right reaction, i don't think, giving her information would be a better option.

People really don't realise the implications of fags and booze on a baby. i had a conversation on netmums recently about it and i learnt a lot too, and i thought i was very well educated on the subject.

Original poster

Mae34 · 27/09/2010 21:32

Thanks guys - plenty of sensible and balanced advice - just didnt want to approach the issue in a clumsy or OTT way but think next time she mentions it will gently provide some info. and offer support if she wants to make some changes...

OP posts:

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