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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on friend with seriously ill child

51 replies

wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 21:33

Long story short...

Our relatives live next to one another and we have been really close friends in our own right the last few years. We do not live close by but used to see one another reguarly.

She discovered her young son had cancer early this year. I tried calling her as soon as i heard but she did not answer so i left a message and followed it up with a text but no reply.

We saw each other by chance a few weeks after, we had a good chat and she said he would be starting chemo and radiotherapy. She also said they were setting up accounts for fund-raising etc and i said to give me the details and i would do everything i could to help.

That was six months ago and I text every few weeks and never get a reply and she does not answer the phone.

I hear he is responding well from other people.

At what point do you give up trying. I dont want to stop and for her to think that I dont care but at the same time I'm thinking there might be a hint there somewhere, especially since, if she is fundraising she would probably want everyone she can helping out.

OP posts:

Serendippy · 26/09/2010 21:36

Why not a card saying 'I know things are hard now and that you probably need space and time with your family. When you are ready, give me a ring and I will be here for a chat'. Open offer for her to call, don't let it upset you, carry on with your life. She may get back to you and things can carry on as before. Just a suggestion, sounds like you are trying to be a good friend.

Skyrg · 26/09/2010 21:37

I wouldn't 'give up', I'd leave it to her. She has a lot to deal with right now, and calling someone probably just doesn't seem important. Her focus will all be on her son. Make her aware you'll always be there if she needs you, then give her some space.

She may also not want sympathy from someone who's close to her, she may just be holding herself together.

SwanseaSlapper · 26/09/2010 21:39

Don't give up. She's going through an unimaginable amount of stress. You're bottom of her list of priorities-which is hardly surprising considering what she is dealing with.

Send her one last text message saying "I understand you have a lot on your plate I'm here if you need me. I wont text again until I hear from you. Love x"

ScaredOne · 26/09/2010 21:40

Maybe she is just so busy that she doesn't get back to people?

I have once been to a talk given by someone with depression and she told us that sometimes she was just not able to reply but she needed people to continue contacting her to know she is not forgotten. And she said the once that stuck around are now the most important people in her life because hearing from the outside world was so important to her.

It is good to hear that he is responding well to chemo and I really hope he will be better soon.

Maybe you can also send her an email or something telling her what is happening in your life? My dad died of cancer and it was the only thing we talked about all the time when I was there or with any family member on his side (divorced parents). It really did my head in somehow, without trying to sound mean. There just didn't seem to be any other topic and I was relieved when back home so I could talk about something else.
Maybe she would appreciate a little distraction from her worries? Not that she could ever forget but listening to something else can be a huge help.

Pennies · 26/09/2010 21:40

As someone who has spent the best part of this year going through chemo and radiotherapy the only thing I can think of that would be worse is one of my DC going through it. I have been most fortunate to receive a huge amount of good wishes from many many people, so many that it's been impossible to respond to each one. I'm sure she's finding the same thing.

I'd send her son a small gift with a card for mum saying that you've heard treatment is going well and you're here if she needs you for anything and leave it at that. She'll be in touch when she can.

Pennies · 26/09/2010 21:42

BTW - I felt bad about not acknowledging stuff so sent out a round robin email to people to say thanks and apologise. It took me 6 months to do it though. Everyone seemed to understand.

DirtyMartini · 26/09/2010 21:42

It sounds likely she just doesn't have room in her head to maintain most of her friendships any more -- perhaps that's the safest assumption, rather than that she is deliberately ignoring you or hinting anything.

If you care about her (it sounds like you do), don't "give up" -- maybe just keep putting out the little non-pressurizing feelers (a text, email or whatever) now and again, but not judge her for not replying. And make sure they are not in any way possible for her to interpret as you getting arsey that she hasn't been replying to you (I am sure you wouldn't be, but if she is struggling to stay in touch with people because her son is ill, she may be extra-sensitive to any suggestion of that).

I haven't been in her shoes, but I think I would struggle to get round to replying to texts and whatnot in that situation; and then once you've not replied for ages, you feel like you will have to wait until you have time to send a longer reply, which you never do, so ... etc.

DirtyMartini · 26/09/2010 21:42

Yeah actually, xpost with everyone, ignore me -- their advice is much better :)

Original poster

wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 21:42

I think that is fantastic advice. All i ever text is "how are you all" type texts.

OP posts:

Serendippy · 26/09/2010 21:43

I would send a card rather than calling/a text because if she's anything like me she gets a text, reads it and thinks 'I must reply to that' then forgets about it, same with answermachine messages. Cards go up on the windowsill/wherever and get looked at every day. A reminder that you are there for her.

MrsGravy · 26/09/2010 21:44

Sorry but I think you would be very unreasonable to 'give up' on her. You should have no expectations of her whatsoever at this time. Keep on texting/sending cards or whatever so she knows you are thinking of her. Keep offering to help. There is no 'hint' - I wouldn't of thought she has space in her head to be trying to give you hints.

Original poster

wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 21:47

Pennies hope your treatment is going well also xxx

Thank you, I miss her so much but I feel quite close to her kids too. My DD is the same age as her son and it's torture not knowing how he is.

OP posts:

A1980 · 26/09/2010 21:48

Send her a card telling her that you are thiking of her. A "how are you" text is too general and too easy to ignore. I've ignored them myself as I've been busy.

If you don't hear anything from that, the next thing you should do is send her a really nice Christmas card and a gift for the child and tell her that you've been thinking of her again and wish them a Merry Christmas.

She's been to hell with her child's illness. I'm sure you'll hear from her at some point.

Alouiseg · 26/09/2010 21:49

When ds had leukaemia I completely shut everyone out, it's a defence mechanism. I also fell out with people at the drop of a hat, I just couldn't be bothered with anything that caused me any extra anxiety. Drug regimes for cancer are exhausting, so is going into hospital at the hint of a temperature.

Even being invited to a dinner party would cause me no end of stress because the variables for something going wrong were so high. Even now, 5 years after the end of treatment I hate making plans and appointments.

Cut your friend some slack, keep up with Christmas and birthday cards and just wait till she has room in her life.

Firawla · 26/09/2010 21:50

agree with mrs gravy, i think you are a bit unreasonable to be even thinking of this tbh. her son has cancer, i dont think you can expect to be @ the forefront of her mind, clearly she is going to be focusing pretty much everything on her son. it must be awful for her. i think you need to continue to keep in touch as you feel appropriate, not bombard her with msg or anything as she will be busy but don't cut her off or "stop trying", you need to be more understanding here. it sounds like you resent her not being in contact but you should overlook it, she is in a incredibly difficult situation. it's not really going to do you any harm to keep putting in a bit of effort just to contact now and then so she knows you are thinking of her

ScaredOne · 26/09/2010 21:50

Pennies, I also hope you are doing well! The best of luck to you and your family.

Wubbzy, it must be quite hard when you don't know what's going on. Can you ask your relatives for updates? She might just not manage to do it.

I quite like the idea of sending a small present. She might not respond to that either though as she is so busy/just can not do it.

TrinityRhino · 26/09/2010 21:52

please dont give up on her
I would have lost some friends of they had done that in the last year

sometimes you just cant do it all anymore

and phoning friends falls away from the priorities

Original poster

wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 21:54

Hi, done pressie and card thing.

Other people are in contact and although his situation is quite serious, he is responding well to treatment.

Thank you all for your comments as it really puts things into perspective for me.

OP posts:

DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 21:55

Pls dont give up.She will be extremely stressed that her sons going through this.Been through it with dbro,wouldnt wish it on anyone.Its so hard when it's a child,they should be out having fun,not going through pain,chemo etc.Its hard enough seeing an adult go through it

TrinityRhino · 26/09/2010 21:56

that didn't sound right
I dont know how to say it
its not that I didn't care its just that I wanted to just pause everything
I couldn't keep up with life or anything

I just hoped they would be there waiting when I came back to life
and they were

Meglet · 26/09/2010 21:56

Stick with it and keep in touch. My cousin's DD was diagnosed with leukaemia last year and while they are in the States I know it has been a non-stop round of hospitals / medication / worry and stress (to put it mildy). I also know she doesn't update people all the time but appreciates everyone keeping in touch.

proudnglad · 26/09/2010 21:56

Why would you 'give up' sending texts or leaving voicemails that take up about 0.01% of your time? I don't get it.

If you're really asking is my friend being ungracious/ungrateful/rude/dismissive. Then no she's not, you are way down the list of her priorities.

But I bet she is always glad to hear from you and appreciates your messages, even if she doesn't reply.

DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 21:59

Most of the parents time is taken up being hospital.

DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:07

Im glad hes responding well.Sadly dbro didn't.Upsets me hearing other peoples kid's going through it :(

autodidact · 26/09/2010 22:08

I find all this taking definite decisions to 'give up' on friends or not really bizarre, tbh. Can't you just play it by ear? Keep texting every now and then, send cards in the post saying you're thinking of her and her boy, see how things go, if she approaches you- be there, if she doesn't don't take it personally.

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