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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on friend with seriously ill child

51 replies

wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 21:33

Long story short...

Our relatives live next to one another and we have been really close friends in our own right the last few years. We do not live close by but used to see one another reguarly.

She discovered her young son had cancer early this year. I tried calling her as soon as i heard but she did not answer so i left a message and followed it up with a text but no reply.

We saw each other by chance a few weeks after, we had a good chat and she said he would be starting chemo and radiotherapy. She also said they were setting up accounts for fund-raising etc and i said to give me the details and i would do everything i could to help.

That was six months ago and I text every few weeks and never get a reply and she does not answer the phone.

I hear he is responding well from other people.

At what point do you give up trying. I dont want to stop and for her to think that I dont care but at the same time I'm thinking there might be a hint there somewhere, especially since, if she is fundraising she would probably want everyone she can helping out.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:12

Alouiseg I know what you mean with temp.Dbro caught a cold same day he came out of hosp,had to go straight back in

AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 22:12

no, no, no

don't "give up"

your expectations are too high

keep up the intermittent contact, scale it down a bit if you need to

but never "give up"

this thread has upset me, dunno why, but I work with sick kids and I know that parents of these children only have so much emotional energy to use outside of willing their kids to get better

Original poster
wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 22:16

Daisy sorry to hear about your dbro Sad

It's not that i want to give up, thats the last thing I want to do. And if she ever contacts me I will be there in an instance.

I guess I was just thinking that maybe after 6 months do I accept that she doesn't want to talk and stop trying for contact or do I just keep texting. I def do not want to upset her further either way and having never gone through this myself I just dont know what she would want me to do.

I'm glad I asked this question now as I worry all the time about him.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:19

Yep af parents will for them to get better,sadly a few don't.They ask if they are going die.what can you say.It's so bloody hard.it's so sad.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 22:23

wubbz, sorry, slightly knee-jerk reaction from me and attributing more selfish attitudes towards you that are possibly warranted

you sound very caring x

DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:28

They go through so much pain.You can tell this is still very raw for me.Ive never got over it,will always feel a part of me is missing sadly.I think all you can do is be there for her.She probaly wont feel like talking to anyone not until hes out of the woods.Just let her know that when she's up to talking that you'll be there to listen.send her a few texts now and then tell her your thinking of her and her ds

misdee · 26/09/2010 22:28

when dh was seriously ill (heart transplant) it was very hard to maintain friendships. i know the ones that didnt give up on me, and remained in contact, and allowed me to 'pick' tings up once things had settled are the friends i want in my life iyswim. i think if people didnt understand the situation at the time, then maybe i didnt ened them? is that too harsh?

i have some friends who i dont speak to for months but know that they are always there. as i am for them as well.

Original poster
wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 22:29

I am sory that I upset and bought up some sad memories for some of you.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:34

Dont worry.not your Fault.just feel the pain of it still.Hes in a better place.free from pain.im glad he's not experiencing it anymore.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 22:35

don't be sorry, wubbz

is best to ask if your reaction is right or not...these situations are soooo difficult for everyone

but never so difficult as those closest to the sick child

Claw3 · 26/09/2010 22:37

I have a ds with SN's (nothing as serious as your friend) but i just wanted to say that i have let lots of my old friendships go. Simply because i just dont have the time/energy that i used to.

Fighting to get him help, weekly medical appointments, dealing with behaviour and sleeping whenever i can. Doesnt leave much time for friends. Its not any reflection on them at all.

Perhaps once your friends situation calms down a bit, she will have a bit more time/energy. Dont give up.

arses · 26/09/2010 22:38

I understand. I had a close friend who had a sudden, tragic bereavement a number of years ago. I called and texted, texted and called.. and after a while, I worried that I was being overly intrusive, really.. I wanted to 'give up' but not because I felt that she should be doing anything for me, but because I worried that the contact (which was much more regular than before the tragedy - as she was a uni friend) might be a bit much in the circumstances...

I think people are picking up on the idea of 'giving up on' the friendship vs 'giving up' this contact, which you may worry is not welcome/upsetting/an additional burden on your friend at a difficult time?

AnyFucker · 26/09/2010 22:38

daisy, so sorry x

purpleduck · 26/09/2010 22:41

Don't give up!! texting takes so little of your time, and it may come at just the right time for a little pick me up.

Is there something else you can do (if you are a DOING person)...maybe take her other kids on a day out with yours (if appropriate ages/ if there are other kids) - maybe get them a magazine subscription for them or their son (to help while away the time), arrange for dinner for them once a month, or maybe just go and do her laundry!!!

DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:43

Aww thanx af.It is a cruel world sometimes.just hope my ds never gets it.I do worry bout it,because of the kind of cancer it was.

purpleduck · 26/09/2010 22:43

Oh, and maybe send her a card and tell her she doesn't have to reply - not replying may be making her feel bad and adding to her worries :)

Tavvy · 26/09/2010 22:45

Don't give up. I've been a nanny to a family where one member suddenly developed a life threatening illness and it was touch and go for months.

I was horrifed at how a lot of my mb's so called friends never once texted, called or offered any kind of support to her. They would blank her, myself and all the children if we saw them. It was awful.

It drains all your emotional resources like others have said. My mb could barely string a coherent sentence together and would lose it over the smallest things.

She needs to know people are there and they care even if she doesn't have the time or energy to be openly appreciative

ShinyAndNew · 26/09/2010 22:46

SIL had loads to do when DN had cancer. Appointments/fund raising/holidays that might be the last/huge birthdays that might be the last/more appointments/hospital stays etc.

Funnily enogh replying to texts was the last thing or her mind. Her friends and family stepped in to do all of that for her. If you are not part of her close circle then it's probably that whoever is giving the updates on her behalf just doesn't know you.

SIL certainly didn't invite every single person she knew to her fundraising events. Again her closest family and friends spread the word for her. All of her time and energy was taken up with DN. Any free time she had was spent just her, her husband and her dc. Phones OFF.

But she did read and appreciate all the well wishes. Please don't give up your friend. Now is when she needs you most.

Original poster
wubbzy1981 · 26/09/2010 22:47

You try to be jokey....but then worry it's not approriate
You try to be caring...but worry it's will bring them down
You try to be vague...then worry that it sounds like you dont care
You try to be helpful....then worry you are smothering them.
You send a shall we meet up soon text....ten realise how utterly pathetic that is when they have so much on.

I just send how are you texts which do not seem too thoughtful but I dont know what else to say.

Sometimes you spend so long agonising over what to write that in the end you dont end up writing anything.

Thanks to you all I will make sure that does not happen with my friend.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 26/09/2010 22:52

Oh my mum and dad made jokes with dbro.they needed it tbh.

misdee · 26/09/2010 22:54

jokey texts were the best. we all need laughter in our lives, more so at times of stress

or the ones just saying 'hello, thinking of you x'

mumeeee · 26/09/2010 23:10

Don't give up. Our friends eldest son died of cancer last month he had been. He had been very ill for some time. we and all thier other friends just kept sending themmessages, They didn't have time to respond but I know they appreciated everyones support.

Scuttlebutter · 26/09/2010 23:19

When I had cancer, I really appreciated all the messages and cards, even though I couldn't respond to them all at the time. Please send a little card - it's so nice to have something come through the door that is not a bill, and then to have it up on the shelf, looking pretty - I really liked that.

Your friend will be struggling with not enough hours in the day, not only to look after her sick child but also to keep the rest of the family going - there's still laundry and shopping and mowing the lawn, and doing the ironing. Plus her ill child may need special food, drugs, appointments, tests, it just seems to take so much time to organise and keep on top of. Please offer to do something concrete for the family - maybe like clean the car, or mow the lawn or take them a casserole once a week. Or why not offer to take the other children for a playdate/night out? It must be very tough on them too.

Careybliss · 27/09/2010 06:14

DaisyDaresYou - so sorry to hear about your brother, I think it must be even harder to bear for the siblings.

When my son was very ill in hospital I know I was exhausted running to and from the hospital and in the "spare" time having to shop for essentials and look after my other child. She'll get back in touch when things settle down (could take a while though). Send a supportive text saying you'll be there and catch up when she has time but you for her should she need it and that you understand that it could be a while.

frenchfancy · 27/09/2010 06:43

I think perhaps we rely too much on texts these days as a way of communicating. After all you have no way of knowing if she has lost her phone, or her charger, or is simply not turning it on because she can't bear all the "hope things are ok" texts.

Send a card, or flowers. Much more personal and shows you really care.

I have in the past received texts with quite important personal news on them, including the death of my grandma. I really don't think this is an appropriate way to communicate.

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