this is what happened last night

[booyhoo]

a mums for dinner, getting ready to go. it was 9pm.

ME: ds1 put your jacket on, we're ready to go now.
DS1: no
ME: come on, jacket on, it's very cold outside and you have no jumper.
DS1: noooo, i don't want to put it on.
My MUM: stop shouting at him, he doesn't want to put it on. (there was no shouting, just me saying what i said in a no-nonsense tone)
ME: I'm not shouting, i am telling him to put his coat on
MUM: well, he's alright, he doesn't have to pu it on if he doesn't want to.
DS1: granny says i don't have to.
ME: alright then granny can sort you out from now on, there's no point me saying anything because i just get undermined everytime i open my mouth.

she rolls eyes. now the thing that pissed me off was that she nows how hard i have been working with ds since EXP left last month. ds seems to think that now dad's not here he can say no as many times as he likes and there won't be any consequences (there are now, but before, EXp would have been more stern than I) Mum knows he has been acting out and pushing the boundaries, she knows i am trying very hard to let him know that i am the end of the line when it comes to discipline and there will be no leeway.

so was she or I UR?

She WBU and should but out TBH

You were both being unreasonable - and you were being passive aggressive.

She is being unreasonable. If your DS is already trying to ndermine you she should be quietly backing you up.

Hmmm.

I do NOT think you were being unreasonable. She should not at all be undermining you. But, was she saying in a really crap way to you, go easy on yourself, if he gets cold it is his problem? Trying to make it easier for you, IYKWIM?

Mind you, there is no excuse for eye rolling.

i was prepared to hear that lifeina. i knew when i said that to ds i shouldn't have but i was just so pissed off with trying so hard only for her to come and undo it all, especially over something so fecking unimportant.

She is BU.

BUT I have a 7 year old ds and when he says No to me about things like coats I say "fine" but take the coat and see how long before he comes to ask for it. He soon learns. Didn't need to be a row here. Enough to be rowing about I find without stuff like that.

she was unreasonable to undermine you. that was unacceptable.

you were unreasonable to get into an argument with your child about his coat.

If they won't put their coat on - you say "fine." you then carry the coat and wait for them to whine that they're cold if they don't complain then they go coatless.

If they are cold they will complain.

I think it's the best way to deal with them.

Don't want your coat on? fine, you're the one who freeze, not me.

Refuse to eat your dinner? fine, you're the one who'll be hungry, not me.

The 'No Skin Off My Nose' style of parenting.

i honestly don't think so anya, she has always thought i was too hard on him (except the times when she thinks i don't discipline him enough )

Exactly OP. Very unimportant, so don't get into it with him, let him shiver a bit and then ask for it, I can almost guarantee it wouldn't happen again as he will have learned from getting cold last time.

Neither of you, she shouldn't undermine you, especially in front of your DS.

But is it possible she's being 'soft' on your DS and trying to be 'on his side' because she thinks his dad not being there has affected him and she wants to help by, she thinks, showing him she loves him in this way?

You are being over-sensitive here. If you had just let the kid walk outside with no coat on, he would have got cold and put in on anyway!

Yes your mum should back you up, but there are more important things to worry about than falling out over something so bloody petty.

spot on Hecate. I see with subscribe to a similar method of parenting.

we not with.

tbh i think if she hadn't buted in at that point the next line out of my mouth would have been, fine get in the car and don't complain when you are cold. i agree, there was no need for a row wih him, and there was no row with him. it was literally, "put it on" "no" "put it on" "noooo" (shortened down version) and then she interfered.

Yanbu. She is.

Is she trying to be the "popular" one by going against you do you think? Because this would piss me off as well. It is given short shrift by me when my MIL tries it. I don't acknowledge what she is saying and just carry on doing what I am doing.

it is hard to get tone across when typing but it really wasn't an argument with ds.

shimmery.

do you follow it up by reminding them?

"Listen, I don't know why you are moaning. You are the one who refused to wear it / you are the one who refused to eat / wasn't it you who said... / it was your choice to..."

Because otherwise they tend to 'forget' that bit

you see shimmery, the boys other granny is very much a cuddly affectionate spoiling type of granny, i think my mum tries to compete with it because she generally isn't a huggy, tell you she loves you sort of person.

Oh yes, you have to really hammer the point home, all part of The Method.

YANBU As if it's not hard enough on your own! I know she probably meant well in that spoiling way grannie's have, but it does undermine you. YOu, who has the major careing role.

I think you should be firm re the jacket, cold or not. It's about getting young children to do what they're told first time. If they can't do that, they really will struggle at school.

I would have a word, explain I know she is trying to make my life easier but, long term, that won't help.

perfumed i have asked her in the past to leave the parenting stuff up to me but she defends her position by saying, that i am too hard and that grannies are supposed to spoil ther Gkids.

Personally, I hate the excuse that grannies are meant to spoil..... it makes mummy out to be a monster.

Have no other helpful comments, sorry.

exactly fizzy. i felt like the big meany again, and ds, once again knew he had gotten his own way over me. he went out skipping.