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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

this is what happened last night

74 replies

booyhoo · 25/09/2010 11:53

a mums for dinner, getting ready to go. it was 9pm.

ME: ds1 put your jacket on, we're ready to go now.
DS1: no
ME: come on, jacket on, it's very cold outside and you have no jumper.
DS1: noooo, i don't want to put it on.
My MUM: stop shouting at him, he doesn't want to put it on. (there was no shouting, just me saying what i said in a no-nonsense tone)
ME: I'm not shouting, i am telling him to put his coat on
MUM: well, he's alright, he doesn't have to pu it on if he doesn't want to.
DS1: granny says i don't have to.
ME: alright then granny can sort you out from now on, there's no point me saying anything because i just get undermined everytime i open my mouth.

she rolls eyes. now the thing that pissed me off was that she nows how hard i have been working with ds since EXP left last month. ds seems to think that now dad's not here he can say no as many times as he likes and there won't be any consequences (there are now, but before, EXp would have been more stern than I) Mum knows he has been acting out and pushing the boundaries, she knows i am trying very hard to let him know that i am the end of the line when it comes to discipline and there will be no leeway.

so was she or I UR?

OP posts:
nomedoit · 25/09/2010 12:25

Well there are two separate issues here...

  1. The Bloody Coat. Life is tough for you right now, Booyhoo Pick your battles. Decide what is really important to you, five or so things, and concentrate on them. Let him freeze.
  1. You mother undermining you. YANBU. My DH and I agreed that we would back the other up even if we thought that person was wrong. It works. If we disagree, we do it in private. Our DD is 3 and our lives would be even more hellish if she could play one off against the other.

You are right to set boundaries with your son. It is a tough time, I've been there, sounds like you are doing a really good job.

nancydrewrocked · 25/09/2010 12:28

How old is your DS?

If you are getting ready to take him out at 9pm then presumably he is older and quite capable of making a decision as to whether or not he wants to wear a coat.

In which case you were being unreasonable to get into a debate with him about it and it was fair enough for granny to intervene.

colditz · 25/09/2010 12:33

I have a rule about coats - wear it or carry it.

they soon put it on.

Original poster
booyhoo · 25/09/2010 12:37

he is 5. and he will freeze the next time Grin he only reason it was so late when we were leaving is because my mum didn't get home from work til afetr 7 pm, we eat together and by the time we had eaten, tidied up and she had spent a bit of time with them it was 9pm.

OP posts:
SandStorm · 25/09/2010 13:04

At 5 it's not unreasonable to expect your child to do what you ask of him. It's also not unreasonable to expect your mother to back you up.

But you've now said it was only as far as the car? How far away was the car? Surely he wouldn't freeze between the house and the car?

Agree with those who say pick your battles.

Original poster
booyhoo · 25/09/2010 13:31

the car was only outside their house, i was thinking more of siting in the car being cold until it had heated up enough to switch the heater on. anyway, lesson leaned he can freeze in future. it wasn't the coat issue that bothered me, just he fact that she interfered and undermined me. I just don't want ds to get into the way of thinking, I'm alright cause granny will always let me do what i want. at 5 it isn't such a big deal but when he is older he will get better at playing us off against each other. i don't want it to be like that. i want to be able to get support off my mum when i my teens are giving me trouble but it looks like i won't be getting it.

OP posts:
nancydrewrocked · 25/09/2010 17:44

Oh ok I assumed we were talking 10+ due to timing, 5 does make it a bit different.

I can see that it was irritating that she intervened but I probably would have just left it as soon as she said "he's ok".

The pick your battles argument applies to both son and mother.

dbss · 25/09/2010 17:50

She was interfering, OP over-reacted in the way snapping at the granny. All very human, really.

I almost never make mine wear their coats if they are that reluctant, choose your battles and all that.

DetectivePotato · 25/09/2010 18:28

She was BU. She was completely undermining you and now your DS knows it.

thesecondcoming · 25/09/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhillipeVonRumple · 25/09/2010 19:24

LOL secondcoming. I totally agree. What a terrible lesson:
Whine and tantrum that you don't want to wear coat.
Mum gives in a lets you out without a coat.
Mum carries your coat (like servant) for you.
When YOU want to wear it, there is is produced by devoted mother.

Gosh, you really learned them proper there luv.

PinkieMinx · 25/09/2010 20:11

snarfle Phillipe Grin

Tortington · 25/09/2010 20:14

yeah if they dont want to wear it they carry it - i agree.

cupcakesandbunting · 25/09/2010 20:25

Oh op we must share a mother...

PlumBumMum · 25/09/2010 20:29

YANBU,
you weren't having an arguement with your ds you had told him twice to put on his coat and your mum interupted

I would have been raging too, but I always just say well
"granny isn't your mummy is she?"

And it was freezing last night

tangerinecat · 25/09/2010 20:47

YANBU. And you were right to insist that your DS put his coat on. You are the adult, he is the child.

Blimey, you lot are soft on your kids.

If I tell my DSs to do something, then they will do it. Argue, and they lose priveleges. I am not their friend, I am their parent.

AgentZigzag · 25/09/2010 20:51

Agree with that tangerine, I'm not sure I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment of 'picking your battles' with a 5 year old, that says there are times when they don't have to do as they're asked.

Do they get to pick those times, ie they kick off, you back down.

Pah, I don't think so.

zapostrophe · 25/09/2010 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

heresiarch · 25/09/2010 21:07

YANBU to be annoyed at your mum intefering in your parenting decisions.

YABU to say "there's no point me saying anything because i just get undermined everytime i open my mouth." That's just throwing your toys out of the pram. If you expect your mum to treat you like a capable adult then you should act like one.

Original poster
booyhoo · 26/09/2010 01:35

i did throw my toys out of the pram. i know i did, and i know i shouldn't have. it was frustration at the situation but i have learnt from this thread. still not sure anything will cahnge with my mum but it will with ds. granny's comments will be ignored. i am the last port on the discipline boat. like it or be cold.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 26/09/2010 02:05

Dont beat yourself up...at 5 I would have put the coat on... no arguement..ignore ignore ignore imo..and yes your mum butting in does not help ...bet she would hate it if she had someone undermining her when she was raising you..don't even acknowledge your mother's presence when speaking to your children...I know its hard...but at the end of the day you are his mum..

Mumcentreplus · 26/09/2010 02:09

I explain ...I'm responsible for you and as you mother who has lived x amount of years I can say as a factnight-time outside and cars are cold...put it on..no buts..

MaMoTTaT · 26/09/2010 02:12

am I the only one then that have children stubborn enough not to put their jackets on even when they're shivering, cold and wet - having previously refusing to put them on "because they were fine"????

Mumcentreplus · 26/09/2010 02:23

LOL...no you are not MaMo..my DD1 is a master of dodgy explaination and childish reasoning..but I explain the reason you are shivering..cold and wet is because you dont have a jacket on..put it on..put it no buts!! its my job to make you put it on..lol..if you are not cold wet and shivering then we can talk..Wink

gtamom · 26/09/2010 04:22

Yanbu. If she had to butt into the conversation at all, she should of said something like "Listen to your mother dear".